Withdrawal & Love Addiction

It’s a rainy day here in NY. I am enjoying it with my hubby. We are snuggled up watching old game shows from the 70s n 80’s. Now we’re watching the original Annie. You know a man truly loves you if he will happily watch Annie for the first time just to spend time with you! LOL I’m going where the love is!!!

This is a great article that I thought might help a few of my friends. Hugs n love to you all!

Withdrawal: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

Withdrawal makes love addiction different from codependency. Like any other addict, a love addict wants a fix — in this case, the object of his or her obsession. That could be a particular person, or a relationship in general. So what happens when that “substance” goes away?

There are two ways a love addict enters withdrawal: They’ve ended the relationship or tried to. Or his or her partner has left the relationship — explicitly, or by becoming obsessed with his or her own addictive behavior. As soon as the love addict feels the other person’s absence, it will trigger feelings of loss.

For most people, loss evokes emotions such as sadness. Healthy adults know how to manage these emotions. But for love addicts, in addition to normal feelings of loneliness, grief, anger, and fear, all their childhood trauma issues are triggered, too. Any unresolved childhood issues around abandonment, fear, anger, jealousy, insecurity, guilt, shame, and loss are going to combine with the current adult experience to create one perfect storm. It’s intense, devastating, and overwhelming, and often the love addict feels out of control in the face of it.

If withdrawal occurs because the addict’s partner left, you can add to this unexpected and unplanned shocks. The addict might face economic changes, having to move, the impact on any children, and dealing with a possible affair or other addiction fallout. It is difficult to describe the totality of the impact.

Love addicts, to get into recovery, need to be able to endure these intense emotions. Doing so long enough will help them face the fact of their addiction; begin to heal their childhood issues; take responsibility for themselves; and begin a new path that includes healthy relating. They will need a lot of support to get through this phase.

Here are some of the things love addicts may be tempted to do while they are experiencing withdrawal:

  • Go back to the relationship. It is possible to heal a love addiction without ending a relationship, but it requires putting the relationship on hold for a significant amount of time. You can’t be in an actively dysfunctional relationship and try to heal your addiction.
  • Contact the old partner. If the relationship is over, a love addict is going to be tempted to reestablish contact. This will lead to an attempt to go back to the relationship.
  • Stalk the old partner. Rage and jealousy can become intense. If there is a third party involved (or if one is suspected), the addict may be tempted to stalk their old partner. Once withdrawal takes over, the brain isn’t in any place to be logical or rational. It’s being run by intense emotions that go back to childhood. There’s a raging and scared child at the wheel and all kinds of things make sense to a child that don’t make sense to adults.
  • Get even. If you’ve got a raging and scared child in charge, then that child might also devise all kinds of ways to get even. Have an affair of your own. Spend all the money. Show up at the partner’s office and make a scene. Ruin something important or valuable. Say anything and everything in order to cause pain.

Remember, the addict’s brain has been hijacked by addiction withdrawal. There is no logical reasoning going on here. The primary goal of the brain in withdrawal is to get the addictive substance back and stop all the pain. So love addicts in withdrawal hear messages in their heads that sound something like:

  • I can’t live without him or her. I need him or her.
  • I can still make this work. It has to work. I need to give it one more chance.
  • He or she is supposed to be with me. We were supposed to be together. We were meant for each other.
  • It wasn’t supposed to be like this. It was supposed to work out. I didn’t want it to be like this. Why is it like this?

It’s important to understand how addiction works. Get help and support to get through this phase. Because it does pass. Remember, as my therapist reminds me: these terrifying and overwhelming emotions are just neurons firing in grooves that were formed in and informed by pain long before this relationship started.

Our job in recovery is to form new grooves formed in and informed by love, acceptance, compassion, and patience. If we can tolerate the pain without acting on it, we are already forming new grooves. That’s the beginning of progress.

But it’s not enough to simply stand there in pain and do nothing. Get yourself to a 12-step meeting. Call a friend who gets it — someone who will completely support you, not just take your side, tell you what you want to hear, or start telling you what you need to do.

Write in your journal. Get those feelings out of you and somewhere else. Process them somehow. Yell at a tree. Throw eggs at the ground. Cry. If you’re like me, sob. Get it out. Be comfortable with your intensity and recognize that you’re not dying, nothing bad is happening, you’re not going back to your old behaviors. That’s when you’ll know you’re making progress.

Every now and then, something seemingly innocuous, like an empty pizza box, can trigger intense feelings of withdrawal for me. I’m always caught off guard when that happens. But I’m learning that every time it does, I can just allow those feelings to pass through me and out.

I can cry, shake, yell, rant, pace, whatever, and as long as I don’t pick up the phone to call, text, email, or do anything that..
To read the rest of this article go to http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2014/08/07/withdrawal-the-good-the-bad-and-the-ugly/

Love Addiction Withdrawal & NC

This was a post from a while ago, probably about 9 months ago. It helped me during some very dark days. Hope it can help someone else too.

The Process of Love Addiction Withdrawal By Alexandra Katehakis, MFT, CST, CSAT

It is well established that when a person becomes addicted to drugs or alcohol, they can experience physical and psychological withdrawal symptoms. Less is documented about the reality of physical and emotional withdrawal symptoms from love and sex addiction, yet they are no less real.

I see clients who are in withdrawal from love addiction and are struggling with symptoms indicative of a very real physical and emotional experience.

Symptoms can include insomnia and sleeplessness, flu-like symptoms, vomiting and other stomach ailments, as well as deep depression and grief states. These symptoms require a detoxification process much like drugs and alcohol do and working with a skilled therapist in addition to attending SLAA (Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous) 12-step meetings can be very helpful, if not crucial, for getting through this painful process.

Sometimes love addicts elect to go through this process when they reach the depth of despair about the state of their lives and addiction. This is a painful yet necessary step in the recovery process. Sometimes love addicts have to face withdrawal following the abandonment by a partner, often a love-avoidant one.

The love-avoidant person always has severe abandonment issues and desires unconditional positive regard from another adult, similar to what they received or did not receive in childhood from a parent. The problem with this is that no adult can provide the ongoing unconditional positive regard the love addict seeks. This can cause the love addict to cycle through a series of highs and lows that are quite intense and ultimately lead to incredible disappointment and devastation.

Love addicts often have a deep sense of discomfort and rarely experience a sense of peace or calm, due to the highs and lows of their intense relationships. Responsibilities relating to work, self-care and even parenting fall to the side in their pursuit of unhealthy relationships. Interestingly, while these relationships tend to be very intense, they seldom provide any real intimacy. What they do provide is a fantasy that does not reflect the reality of the object of their affections.

Some love addicts are in such extreme states of depression that they require antidepressant medication while they are working through core childhood issues with a therapist. Such medications can be helpful toward the love addict gaining some sense of stability while working through the pain that led to love addiction. Journaling, talking about childhood experiences, and grieving the initial abandonment by a parent in the family of origin under the care of a skilled therapist familiar with love addiction can be an important part of healing.

Love addicts have a deep need to bond with another person and become emotionally connected. Oftentimes, the choices they make in partnerships take them further away from getting the love they crave.

I want to be completely honest folks, I am an addict and P is my drug of choice. Even after we “broke up” right after Thanksgiving, we spoke like 3 times a day for 2 months. The withdrawal was complete agony. He was all I wanted. I craved him like I craved oxygen and water. But while I definitely did miss him and love him, that was not the reason for my physical symptoms.

I craved the high I got seeing him, talking with him, texting, even emailing with him. When I broke NC, I definitely set myself back on my road to recovery and happiness. Because then he asked could he call me and then he asked to talk the next day, etc. We are both smarter now and realized we were backsliding very quickly. So we said goodbye again with him telling me he finally understands the agony and pain I experienced back months ago. He said that is what he is experiencing now. But I think that is because he remains lonely and unloved despite all his efforts. It takes 2 people to save and rebuild a marriage.

The only bright side is that my trauma from certain events that occurred (him changing his cell # and not giving me a heads up as promised is just one example) has finally started to heal. I better understand that I was loved very much and still am. It was comforting to know that he still cries when he hears our song and a few others that remind him of me and all we shared. It’s so easy to believe we are the only ones suffering the loss and the withdrawal. We aren’t.

I just cannot go back on the emotional roller-coaster that our relationship had become at the end. I choose to be happy, healthy and at peace. NO CONTACT means I will not have to doubt a man’s love or commitment to me. It also means I will never again share a man’s heart. I deserve better, we all do. It’s not sexy or exciting but for addicts like us, it’s the only way. For some, maybe not forever. But at least until we get to a point that we do not care AT ALL. And that takes a pretty long time for most.

So while I was at 93 days NC, now I have to start over one day at a time.

DON’T WORRY. The above was all written many, many months ago. I’m doing really great now. Happy and finally at peace. I’ve learned to let go. He was obviously a lesson I needed to learn. Wow 93 days NC! I can’t wait to get there again ASAP 🙂

if you have a choice


one day

once in lifetime



The “Addictive” Trauma Bond-Learning What It Is And How To Help Yourself Heal

Source: The “Addictive” Trauma Bond-Learning What It Is And How To Help Yourself Heal

The “Addictive” Trauma Bond-Learning What It Is And How To Help Yourself Heal

     The following gives an accurate description of the highly ‘addictive’ quality of traumatic relationships with the disordered. The following is by Dr. Patrick Carnes and from his book, “The Betrayal Bond”. This is an excellent resource for your recovery:

Trauma Bonds by Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D., CAS
Abandonment and trauma are at the core of addictions. Abandonment causes deep shame. Abandonment by betrayal is worse than mindless neglect. Betrayal is purposeful and self-serving. If severe enough, it is traumatic. What moves betrayal into the realm of trauma is fear and terror. If the wound is deep enough and the terror big enough, the body alters. The system elevates into an alarm state, never safe. Waiting for the hurt again. In that state of readiness the client doesn’t notice that part of them has died. The client is grieving.

What we see is highly addictive attachment to the persons who have hurt the clients. The clients may even blame themselves, their defects, their failed efforts. The clients strive to do better as their lives slip away amongst all the intensity. These attachments cause the clients to distrust their own judgment, to distort their own realities so much, the clients can place themselves at more risk. The clients are bracing themselves against further hurt. Taking precautions which almost guarantee more pain. These attachments have a name. They are called trauma bonds.

Exploitive relationships create trauma bonds. These occur when a victim bonds
with someone who is destructive to them. Similarly, adult survivors of abusive
and dysfunctional families struggle with bonds that are rooted in their own
trauma experiences. To be loyal to that which does not work – or worse, to a
person who is toxic, exploitive, or destructive to the client, is a form of insanity.

There is a universal stumbling block that I have noticed with survivors, as well as from time to time within myself, that I’ve given much thought too. A survivor was in distress about this the other day because her mind kept gravitating toward her ex. She has been out of the relationship about two years, just as I have been.
She explained her circumstances and I shared that I would ponder…then I had an “aha!” moment!

The more I think about these relationships, along with similar but not always exact patterns I see with survivors, it is becoming crystal clear to me how the ‘addictive’ component plays out and how compelling it truly is.


The psychopath was our drug. We had chemical changes in the brain when due to the intense cognitive dissonance in the relationship. This means moving goal posts in our realities with him. He’s nice one minute, but utterly cruel the next. He can go a week and it is peaceful, but then we find out he’s cheating. Many scenarios can play out…so is he good, or is he bad? This cycle sets up the trauma bond, or rather the addictive element due to the severity of the insidiousness of the abuse.

So, let me ask you this:  Have you had another addiction you’ve struggled with? There are many, addictions to substances is only one area of addiction. We have addictions to food,  to sex,  to spending, to hoarding…anything can be addictive.
When we give it up we are in pain  from withdrawal. Our brains were wired through trauma and so we are literally re-wiring it  to do something else.

When you are recovering from addiction, when do you think it is most likely that you will have cravings? During times of stress maybe? When you’re lonely? Another trigger?

This is why you think of him. This is why.

It’s not ‘missing’ of him in the sense that you miss an abusive and dangerous predator, it’s that you miss the addiction to the cycles he created. When we remove any addiction, we must stay away from any sources or individuals that are likely to trigger a craving that leads to cognitive dissonance, that could lead us to contact. The craving is what causes a relapse. WE WANT A HIT OF OUR DRUG. The idea is to get enough TIME away from it to heal our brains, and to fill the huge void he left behind.

So what do we do when we are addicted to something and are in recovery or trying to do something different?

Note: This article also applies to men who are survivors of psychopathic and narcissistic women.

Giving Up The Need For Closure

By Zari Ballard

For a victim to recover from narcissist abuse, he or she must be ready and willing to give up the need for closure because it is never going to happen. When we receive the inevitable Discard (after an eternity of being Devalued), it is often our longing for closure that keeps us hanging on and incapable of moving forward.

As a victim, we become so accustomed to living with uncomfortable feelings and anxiety that we’re willing to endure for however long it takes to get the ending that we think we want. But the ending never comes. For everything we did for the narcissist and for all the tears we cried, we’re left with nothing. For all the months and years that we wasted, we naturally (and rightfully!) want some type of closure (no matter what it is) we’ll even make ourselves crazier than we already are trying to devise a way to make it happen!

That’s right – closure! It’s spelled C-L-O-S-U-R-E, damn it! And by God, I’m going to stay in my miserable relationship, letting that narcissist treat me like shit until I get it! Yeah, that’s right…what do you ya think about that!! Oh, you’ll see… I’ll hang in there ’till I’m nothing and she destroys me. I’ll stay in this fucked up mess as long as it takes to get the closure that I want…you can count on that!

Oh yes…victims of narcissistic abuse can be as stubborn as the N when it comes to getting what they want. Unfortunately, there’s exists a very huge problem. Victims conveniently forget that the narcissist likes it when we suffer. In fact, our suffering is the most important part of the narcissist’s relationship agenda. Therefore, giving us closure so that we feel all warm and fuzzy as she walks away is not going to be an option – ever.

What? You don’t care about my closure?? Oh yeah, well…well, go ahead and don’t care! See if I care that you don’t care about caring about me who cares about you! We’ll see who doesn’t care! I want my closure and you’re gonna give it to me if it’s the last thing you do…I’ll hang in there till the bitter end!

The more we whine and cry about not being given a proper good-by, the more the N pushes the envelope. She simply doesn’t care about ever making us happy and she’ll always get the last word (even if that means she leaves without saying any words at all!). As we know, the narcissist is the only human on earth who can make a silent treatment sound like all hell breaking loose. Her entire life is a show of smoke and mirrors and she can play the Pretender to five targets at once if she has to.  All the letters, all the tears, all the begging and pleading……if it hasn’t worked up until this point, what the hell are we thinking?? It’s time to let go of the narcissist and walk away. It’s time to realize that we really don’t know what the word closure even means. I believe that, when it ends…when we receive the final discard…the only closure that we really want involves the narcissist hoovering her way back…and if that’s not going to happen, then the closure we want involves some bad-ass, fucking revenge!

I want my closure!! Give me my closure! You can’t leave me without closure! How can you do that? I hate you! I love you! Don’t leave me…no, go ahead and go…see if I care…I’ll be right here waiting when you’re done, cheat on me all you want, see if I care…when you get done, I’ll be right here waiting for my closure….because it’s coming..oh yeah, it’s coming..and you’re gonna give it to me…aren’t you? Don’t you love me? Hey, don’t turn your back on me…I haven’t got my closure yet…When I get  my closure, I can rest in peace. But then I’ll be sad. Hey, are you listening to me???

(the scene fades to black…and then repeats itself…again and again and again)

You will make yourself crazy pretending to seek a closure that truly doesn’t exist. The article series Anybody Seen My Closure, Part 1, and Part 2 will help you to understand what it is that you really want when you suffer over the lack of closure. When we’re involved with a narcissistic partner, the fact that we feel this horrible void at the point of break-up is very deliberate. The narcissist manages down our relationship expectations so low that we’d rather suffer in the emptiness and wait for her return than accept the fact that she only returns to ensure our unhappiness.

The time is now to find your way out of the rabbit hole and giving up closure is the first and most important step in the journey back.

Stay strong!!!

4 facts about trauma-bonding in abusive relationships

Such a powerful article!

“When we do summon up the strength to leave, the trauma-bond manifests itself as an intense longing for our abusive ex. Sometimes we return to them because we genuinely feel we love them, we need them, and we miss them (I did, many times).

However, this is an illusion. It is the trauma-bond speaking to us. Those that have lived with domestic abuse are often more resilient, strong, resourceful and intelligent than their abuser allows them to believe. We are certainly stronger than our abuser: just look at everything we have done just to survive!”

Source: 4 facts about trauma-bonding in abusive relationships

Addicted To A Narcissist- How to Break Free

What It Means To Be Addicted To A Narcissist – And How To Break Free From It

Written by Melanie Tonia Evans

Feeling “addicted” to the narcissist is one of the most horrible and powerless things about suffering the trauma of narcissistic abuse.

And it truly does defy all logical explanation.

People standing on the side-lines can’t comprehend it.

It would seem obvious that you would want nothing to do with someone who continually hurts you.

It seems incredulous that you’re not able to logically define that this person is no longer worth one scrap of your energy, and that you can’t simply stop thinking about them and move on.

But – narcissistic abuse is anything but simple.

Your friends and family may be incredibly frustrated seeing you go back to a horrendous abuser over and over again.

Or that you can’t stop talking about the abuser and what they did.

Logically to them it is SO obvious – “Stop going over and over it and get on with your life!”

But these people are not chemically cellularly hooked – they’re not addicted, and there is no way they could understand the crippling pulls that are so overwhelming that it feels like you will actually die if you don’t reconnect in some way with the narcissist – even if only by thoughts.

In this article I want to take you on the deep and truthful journey of addiction – what it is, how it plays out and how to break free from it.

What Does Addiction to the Narcissist Mean?

If we are addicted to the narcissist, fundamentally what it means is that we can’t stop thinking about him or her.

The narcissist is front and centre in our mind to such an extent that we are finding it hard to have focus, energy or “space” for other things in our life.

In this state it is incredibly hard to create a new life away from this person, and maybe we haven’t even got to any remote belief that leaving or moving on could be possible.

We may be fruitlessly hanging on … trying to force this person to see what they are doing and change so that our anxiety can lessen. This takes the level of addiction and anxiety to another level – generally one of great despair and powerlessness, and as a result it may be nearly impossible to even perform basic self-care for ourselves.

Or maybe, even though we are holding No Contact, it is like this person is still living inside us – and not in a nice way. The mental torment may be unbearable with the triggers of everyday life setting off yet another thought about this person.

Thoughts about … what they did, how could they do that, why did they do that, how they should not have done that, how we could have done that, if only this had happened instead, and why didn’t I try that.

And … what is going to continue to happen. We are terrorised about the past, feeling extreme anxiety in the present and completely disturbed about the future.

You may be amazed how months, years or even decades later – even after the actual abuse has ended – how this person is still living inside you and your energy is being sucked dry trying to cope with that.

You may not have laid eyes on the narcissist or even heard his or her voice for decades – yet you are still addicted to thinking about the narcissist.

You may not have ever thought about this as an addiction – but I promise you it is.

As you read this article, you will start to understand why.

From my personal experience and having worked with many others, I have to say that addiction to narcissists is right up there amongst the toughest of addictions – I have had hard drug addicts tell me that heroin was nothing compared to beating narcissistic abuse addiction.

I don’t want to tell you that to scare you – and make you think your situation is hopeless. I really want to tell you so you have the awareness to understand this is an addiction.

And it’s serious …

The Symptoms of Addiction

Whether we are in contact with the narcissist or not, our eating and sleeping patterns may have become completely dysfunctional – we may be using all sorts of ways to try to ease the pain caused by the obsession and reoccurring triggers … such as cigarettes, food, alcohol, gambling, shopping, filling our life with social media and distractions …or trying to source comfort from other people in unhealthy ways.

It is likely, within these choices of unconscious attempts to get relief, we are not connected to healthy strategies to look after ourselves and heal the addiction.

Maybe we can’t even get out of bed the level of pain and despair is so bad.

Maybe in utter self-disgust you have started behaving in ways that you never thought you would. Maybe you are incensed and angry and lashing out because people don’t seem to understand what you are dealing with in regard to the narcissist. Maybe you are lying about and hiding the fact that you are still in communication or seeing the narcissist.

Maybe you are suffering alone because you no longer have the trust and support of those who could help you.

Maybe things in your life are falling apart because you are falling apart. Maybe it has become impossible to hold down your job, and maybe friends, family and key people in your life are turning away.

Maybe things have got so bad that you are virtually selling your soul for ANY bit of attention from the narcissist (good or bad) … akin to a drug addict licking the crumbs of powder off the floor regardless of the kicks to your self-esteem and life in order to get them.

That level of addiction is horrible … to anything … not just narcissists.

Addiction can kill people at this level – and narcissist addiction is no different.

I remember all of this …

I was there … the addict from hell, falling deeper and deeper into a devastating addiction.

It got so bad that I thought the only way out was to end my life. I believed I couldn’t live without him, and I was totally aware that living with him was killing me.

It seemed I was doomed either way – and death would be the only release.

Thank goodness I didn’t make that choice and I found the way to free myself … otherwise I wouldn’t be here writing this article to share what I learnt.

What I do know is this: it is vital to admit you are addicted.

If you are going through what I have described – I promise you in order to take your power back you need to stop pointing the finger at the narcissist and the crazy stuff he or she is doing – and you need to admit YOU ARE NOT WELL.

Yes – you ARE addicted.

And you need to stop putting the future of your sanity and life in the hands of what the narcissist is or isn’t doing – and take full responsibility to learn about your addiction, understand what is really going on and start healing it.

I can assure you … if you wait for the narcissist to fix it for you, you are never going to get well, and your life could end up being destroyed.

Because THAT is what addictions do.

You may have been told by those who advocate victimisation that you are suffering C-PTSD and that this is normal after the level of abuse and trauma that you experienced.

I promise you there is a much greater truth than this – and later in this article I am going to explain to you how “addiction” is the symptom, and how C-PTSD is the follow on symptom of your addiction – and this goes for you even if you have been able to hold No Contact and your symptoms persist.

Your symptoms are NOT because of what the narcissist did or does to you – it’s the ongoing addiction cycle that you are not breaking that is causing your deterioration.

I want you to understand and start looking at this in a very different way than most abuse forums would have you think about it.

They want you to think that you have C-PTSD and that this will be with you for a very long time (if not for ever) because of the absolute horrendous behaviour of narcissists.

No … I disagree entirely, and I have personally lived and facilitated a different truth thousands of times over.

I want you to understand you are suffering an addiction and this addiction can be cured.

And this means you will NOT have or suffer the ongoing symptoms of abuse.

What Makes Us Susceptible To Being Addicted To Narcissists?

Overcoming addictions, truly for me, was the hardest thing about my self-development – until I really understood the truth about them.

I had always had incredibly addictive tendencies.

Originally it was alcohol, then cigarettes, then being a workaholic, then narcissistic partners.

Absolutely “love addiction” was huge for me.

I was a classic co-dependent.

The profile being: highly intelligent, hard-working, capable … able to make most things in my life work.

Yet, I was prone to seeking outside validation, and I was terrified about rocking the boat (feared abandonment, criticism or punishment if I spoke up) … and I had grave difficulty in trusting my intuition and my emotions. And rather than have the ability to solidly self-soothe I would go into overdrive trying to “fix things more” whenever I felt anxiety.

My motto was – “Make sure everything gets done, dot the i’s and cross the t’s and work harder to ensure no disaster can strike.”

In short I was often suffering guilt about what “I should be doing”, I had severe anxiety about my ability to survive and feel safe in the world … and I felt I was unworthy and unlovable without putting massive effort in to secure these things.

When I couldn’t “do something” with workaholism and obsessive compulsive behaviour to relieve anxiety, I would use a relationship or another addiction to take up the slack – using those choices as an attempt to burn off the anxious feelings.

People who don’t suffer these “co-dependencies” (trying to get peace within “self” from outside of “self”) have a greater ability to be emotionally solid and self-soothe (much to do with early childhood programming) and are not as susceptible to making choices that will undermine their self-worth and value.

They find it much easier to say “No” in the first place.

These people are not apt to purposefully get drunk, smoke a cigarette, take drugs, binge on sugar laden foods, work 20 hour days or punish themselves by staying in an abusive relationship.

And … they are not defined by others … such as: “I HAVE TO get your approval in order to feel loved and worthy.”

I promise you I am not saying any of this to belittle you or shame you.

I am saying this because this is the truth for most people who have been narcissistically abused.

It was certainly my inner emotional life – 100% percent, and I had to take a great deal of personal responsibility to heal this, in order to live, survive and then thrive … which today I gloriously do.

Mostly, I am explaining all of this from the inside out to educate you with a deeper understanding of what your urges REALLY are about – and how to not just hope to merely manage them (which can be excruciatingly difficult) but rather clean up the real reason they’re there in the first place.

So that you are not just attempting to deal with the symptom (the addiction), but rather so that you can work at healing the real cause.

This is the difference between merely surviving and truly thriving.

Powerlessness With Addiction

The hugest thing to understand about the addiction is to know it is a “symptom” of trying to get the panic, fear or emptiness inside us soothed.

(I’m going to grant an example of exactly what THAT panic, fear and emptiness is about with my story soon.)

When we are trying to get relief from outside of ourselves and are making choices from an inner state of “disconnection and anxiety”, the choices made will ALWAYS make the panic, fear and emptiness WORSE.

This is the horrible cycle of addiction.

It’s this … initial inner anxiety causing person to go for unhealthy choice as an attempt for relief … which then leads to increased anxiety.

The “bizarre” thing about addiction that does NOT make logical sense is the relief channel (choice of addiction) is NOT effective.

Let’s say someone has an addiction to sugar – which contributes greatly to obesity, existing fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue symptoms, self-disgust, lack of self-esteem and all sorts of issues … and even after KNOWING that, the person CRAVES more of it.

The short term fix is relief from anxiety, yet like an itch than can’t be scratched, soon more and more sugar is needed.

Immediate short term fix gets less and less, and requires more and more sugar to be experienced … and short, medium and long term damage gets more and more pronounced.

(This occurs chemically, within our bodies, with all addictions.)

The cellular body, chemically, is literally screaming out more and more “needily” for the compound sugar that is destroying it.

So … why does our nervous, chemical and cellular system want MORE of what is obviously destroying it – and why is this spiral so powerfully compelling and why does it have such a deadly grip.

How on earth is that LOGICAL?

It’s not logical … and we are kidding ourselves if we think it is … and we are kidding ourselves if we think that we can SOLVE it at a logical level.

Because this is NOT the level where all of this is taking place.

How many people have tried to beat addictions with mere willpower?

If THAT was possible TRULY addictions would not exist!

Many, many people with addictions admit they would like to stop, but don’t.

How many of us wished we had never picked up a cigarette? How many of us wish we didn’t drink again and behave the way we did? How many of us wish we had not made that sexual choice? How many of us wish we could JUST LEAVE an abusive person and NEVER look back?

If we desperately want to stop an addiction and CAN’T – we need to admit we are POWERLESS over the addiction.

Because we are! Science proves to us that we are!

At the level of the cognitive mind we have a mere 5% power at our disposal as opposed to the 95% power of our emotional subconscious which is driving us to pick up the addiction of choice.

It’s like trying to beat an elephant stampeded with an ant.

So … back to “why” we crave more of what is destroying us.

Forget logic – throw that out the window, because what I am about to explain has NOTHING to do with logic, and it has nothing to do with how intelligent you are.

In fact the more intelligent you are, the less you will be operating from a centre of emotional intelligence, and the more you are prone to suffer from emotional addictions that you are trying to control logically.

The most addicted, hooked people I have ever worked with (including myself) are the most intelligent for this reason – they are the people that are trying to work at their life cognitively instead of being emotionally connected to themselves.

I’ll use this example first …

Imagine you eat a slice of chocolate cake that you were previously denying yourself.

Now you feel an incredible surge of guilt – and maybe even self-disgust. You had promised yourself you weren’t going to eat it. You caved in … you had NO self-control and now you’re back to square one.

You’ve just blown your calorie count.

So … you beat yourself up … pretty severely.

Then half an hour later – you have an even greater urge to go for another slice of chocolate cake.


Now you are manically wrestling with yourself again – and your mind is giving you all sorts of reasons to give in.

Such as: “I’ve already blown it – I’ll start my diet again tomorrow.”

“I’ll work harder at the gym this week to make it up.”

Or maybe you are just so self-disgusted you say to yourself, “You fat pig … go on gorge yourself. Why not … you’re unlovable anyway! You may as well eat, be fat and at least be happy!”

Why have you had this terrible downslide after telling yourself how horribly disappointed you were with your own behaviour after the first slice.

Surely that would DETER you from doing it again!

You cutting the second slice after that makes NO logical sense!!!!

Okay – like I said – please throw away the logic because until you are willing to understand Life and yourself at a Quantum, energetic, emotional level you are nowhere near the truth.

(Like I wasn’t for years.)

And this is NOT some New Age woohoo (as some people like to accuse me and others of) … it is actual science.

If you do the research on the work of Dr. Joe Dispenza and Dr. Bruce Lipton (and others) you will discover how true and proven this information is.

But really life should show you … absorb this information and then look at every aspect of your Life and you can’t deny that the irrefutable truth is all around you.

Smacking you over the head.

The reason that you went for a second slice of chocolate cake is because everything that you focus a lot of emotional energy on (good or bad it makes no difference) means you are saying a whooping great “Yes” to that thing.

You have just cemented “that which you focused on” into your life as “your reality” and you have called forth “more of it”.

Your huge energetic reaction to “having the slice of chocolate cake” completely and utterly set up the urges to create “having a slice of chocolate cake again”.

Now … if you had made a decision to not have chocolate cake that was calm and solid WITHOUT the emotional beatups, traumas and chemical peptides being manufactured in your hypothalamus and being secreted through your bloodstream and absorbed by the cells of your body … then you would have been able to NOT have another slice of chocolate cake.

It was your huge emotional reaction which set off a chemical chain of events – and what that was about was your unresolved self-judgements and self-loathing – that caused you to take actions that would cause MORE self-judgements and self-loathing.

Because the cells of your body (addictive entities they are) would not have started chasing the massive chemical rush that you supplied them with 30 minutes ago.

The high of the “trauma” of eating the first slice of chocolate cake was so “high” – that the “low” was a withdrawal, and the cells wanted the “high” to get out of that “low”.

Ugly isn’t it that your cells interpret “trauma” as a “high?”

Your cells interpret any BIG chemical / emotional rush as a “high”.

Please understand this … your cells are totally unconditional.

Energy is energy – good or bad it makes no difference.

Think about this ….

I know when anyone complains to me about bad drivers or not getting car parks (especially when they have a BIG emotional charge wrapped up in their complaints) … that they suffer bad drivers REGULARLY and DON’T get carparks.

I know that people who believe they are victims are CONTINUALLY victimised.

I know that people who are not willing to look at life at a chemical level and are struggling with logic to try to change their life are fighting an uphill battle – especially if they are continually perceiving and relaying negative states of victimisation, anxiety, depression, powerlessness and trauma.

Now here is the thing …

They are addicted to these states, and unconsciously making choices that add to them.

Let’s go back to the chocolate cake.

The second slice came about because of the chemicals of trauma as a result of eating the first slice.

So what do we think happens when we are stuck in the manufacturing of trauma regarding what the narcissist did to us?

Be very aware … these traumas are MASSIVE rushes of emotions / chemicals to our cells.

MASSIVE spikes … huge “highs”.

I’ll tell you what happens – our cells chase more of it.

So we continually think about what happened to us. And … we come up with all sorts of twisted excuses to make contact and touch the stove repeatedly that is burning us.

We literally cannot let go of the very source of our trauma …

Yep! The narcissist – even if that just means thoughts of the narcissist.

I PROMISE you with all my heart – if I believed and knew that banging on about the narcissist and sharing war stories was helping us heal – I would be ALL for it!

But it doesn’t … all it does is spread the poison, and create more peptide addiction and more abuse victimisation throughout people’s systems.

It causes people to remain hooked, obsessing, going back, lining themselves up to be abused, and teaching their children how to be victims as well.

Setting up future generations of more of the same.

It does NOT break the horrible cycle, any more than repeatedly beating yourself up over eating chocolate cake does.

It is the very epitome of cementing powerlessness and the addiction to pain and abuse even deeper.

This is why RECOVERY is all about getting OUT of the addiction.

People sharing war stories in abuse forums are deep in the addiction and are repeating the same stories years later… and they experience the same pain every day … even years later.

They are literally addicted to the chemicals of grief, victimhood, despair, powerlessness, helplessness, anger and resentment.

Take note, because if you are a victim of narcissistic abuse this is likely to be your orientation – until you realise what you thought could help you is NOT helping at all!

Then … this is called “C-PTSD” and blamed on the narcissist mostly … and I understand this because I had C-PTSD, adrenal malfunction and agoraphobia through the roof at levels that I was told were medically impossible to heal and could only ever hope to be managed with permanent anti-psychotics.

The truth – I discovered – bared no resemblance to any of that.

When I cleaned up my addictions that were fuelling and feeding my trauma, and cleaned up the reason for the generation of trauma in my life … I was trauma free and on a trajectory of a completely different life.

Then all of these symptoms vanished – completely – and I opened up to the organic state of radiance that we all ARE without these faulty states of living.

Narcissistic abuse – and all that went with that – was then Not My Reality.

And it does not need to be yours.

Addiction is the Symptom
So … we have looked at addiction to the narcissist (or anything) and how we are powerless to beat it at a logical level.
In fact we are powerless to heal any addiction (and maybe can only ever hope to precariously manage the horrendous pulls and triggers) until we look at the true reason we are reaching for an addiction.
The addiction is ONLY the symptom.
There is a deeper CAUSE.
The deeper cause is anxiety and emptiness being caused by an emotional wound – a young, precarious underdeveloped part of ourselves that feels unsafe and fearful. A part of ourselves that feels it needs something outside of ourselves to take away the pain.
If we find and address this part of ourselves – there is NO addiction.
At this point – I’ll share my story about breaking my addiction to cigarettes, because it’s an easy to understand example.
I was a cigarette smoker since 15 years of age. A heavy smoker, and that addiction continued on even after narcissistic abuse recovery.
Of course I wanted to not smoke, but I figured that was pretty much impossible – because apart from when I was pregnant (when smoking made me physically ill) I had only ever been able to stop for three weeks, and that had been excruciatingly difficult.
That was until I remembered what I had learnt about recovery from my addiction to narcissists.
I remembered the absolute truth: Cigarettes had NOTHING to do with my addiction to cigarettes!
Cigarette smoking was only the symptom of how I was trying to get relief from the true cause.
Therefore, all I had to do was find the true cause and heal that, and no longer would I be compelled to put a cigarette in my mouth when I really didn’t want to.
Just like the narcissists, smoking was a horrible self-destructive choice attempting to self-medicate inner fear, pain and emptiness.
So the answer to giving up cigarettes?
Simple … stop the self-medication choice (smoking cigarettes) and fully be with, find, meet and up-level the wounds with Quanta Freedom Healing. 
So … once the light went on, and I realised cigarettes had nothing to do with it, I put the remaining cigarettes in my packet under a tap, threw them in the bin – and then sat with myself waiting for the anxiety to hit … now that the self-medicating drug had been removed.
The anxiety came up …
I was ready.
Diligently I dug into myself, deeply into my subconscious, and found significant wounds that were to do with loneliness, wanting connection, companionship and conjoining.
These young, sad, depressed, “separated” parts of myself were craving connection and going for connection with cigarettes … something to “light up and connect to” … something to “keep me company” when these terrible feelings of deeply unconscious loneliness would hit.
These wounds were so deeply unconscious that I didn’t even realise they were emotionally controlling me … (we usually don’t realise until we get in contact with our subconscious).
So one-by-one I shifted every young wound of loneliness out of my body that I could find, and brought in the glorious warmth, love and connection with my Higher Power. I then passed this through to and filled up my Inner Child, and I integrated with her, and then conjoined with all of Life as “One”.
These True Self feelings then became my emotional truth.
I had re-programmed my subconscious.
I promise you this … even in the midst of untangling and healing this stuff, (it took about three days) I did NOT have one craving for a cigarette – ever.
I wasn’t even thinking about cigarettes – because they had become totally irrelevant – for the first time in 3 decades!!
Cigarettes were done, because I was FULLY focused on nailing and healing the TRUE reason why I ever tried them or craved them in the first place.
Now do you understand the truth about addictions?

My Journey With Detoxifying the Addiction to Narcissists

The first narcissist in my life was a horrendous addiction process that took years.

The reason being was because I was trying to work at it from a victimised logical level, with no Quantum understanding or tools.

Even personality disorder recovery specialists had no understanding of the chemical addiction and horrendous chemical withdrawal process that my body was going through.

There was no information or processes available to deal with this, and believe me I searched far and wide.

Looking back, I know I was undergoing withdrawal symptoms that made living sometimes a matter of survival minute to minute, which contributed to me breaking No Contact over a dozen times, and ended in my complete psychotic and physical breakdown which was so severe it almost ended my life.

My life was going to end anyway the way I was headed – either through a self-destructive choice, terminal illness or an accident. There was no other way it could have gone because my addiction had spiralled completely out of control.

Thank goodness I had my awakening and started seeking the real answers to recover – or I never would have.

Second narcissist was a walk in the park regarding breaking the addiction to him.

Straight away when I decided to end it for ever – I knew he was ONLY the symptom of deep inner wounds I needed to find and heal – and THAT was my full focus.

The most significant wound regarding second narc was my total terror of abandonment. He had targeted a 3 year old wound that had been alive in my body since that age – an emotional unconscious fear that I would be annihilated if abandoned (which is exactly the emotional decision / terror I had experienced as a 3 year old).

That narc played on it – and would belt and trigger that wound continually.

I didn’t have to be an “Energetic Einstein” to work out this wound. It had played out horribly more times than I could count in that relationship.

I knew the drill … use Quanta freedom Healing … look at what hurt, feel it in my body, track it, release it and up–level it (re-program it).

Absolutely I went through days and weeks of deep healing, wailing out wounds and up-levelling them purposefully in order to detox the trauma and heal myself as quickly and as powerfully and directly as possible.

Yet … NOT ONCE did I consider contacting him – want to contact him – or have ANY illusions that he was HEALTHY or desired in my life.

I had ZERO attraction left.

There was obsessional thoughts regarding the usual assortment of narcissistic lies, betrayals, adultery and obscene acts, which I needed to release from myself cellularly and liberate myself emotionally from … but not once did I wish that he was in my life.

This made matters so much easier to heal than first narc – because this time right from the onset it had nothing to do with him it was all about healing me.

Second narc fallout was minimal; smearing and ongoing rubbish was non-existent and there was zero stalking, antics and drama.

I know this is because I had changed so much; I wasn’t hooked, I wasn’t feeding it – I was disconnecting so fast, and I was claiming back my energy and my life so much more effectively than first time around.

Before too long, I could go to any memory and it felt totally “benign” in my body – no emotional charge – because I had done such a great job of releasing it and healing it from my cells.

Detox accomplished!

Yes, I did have practical and financial loses again … but this time I was able to release and heal the regret so much faster – rather than being stuck in the victimhood and despair that I had suffered and regurgitated so much in the past with narc number one – which had delayed my recovery so much.

My mission second time around was: no more peptide addiction to states that I FIRMLY did not want to experience or have in my life anymore – and that was never going to happen unless I released the poison and raised my consciousness to a level where they were Not My Reality.

There was no other orientation to have if I wanted to break free and get well.

The Three Choices With Addiction

With narcissistic abuse you have three choices.

1) Remain hooked (even if just with ongoing obsession) and get further destroyed by accumulating more panic and emptiness and an even greater addiction that will never be soothed, and will need greater and greater doses of the pain to try to get any sort of relief. It’s a spiral into a bottomless pit.

2) Try to get away and stay away (even from just obsession) without reprogramming the very reasons why you are trying to unconsciously self-medicate with the narcissist … which is agonizingly terrible and feels like you are going to die … or

3) Make it all about yourself and all about reprogramming your subconscious so that you can break free from the horrible cycle once and for all. Then you will no longer be merely attempting to manage ongoing symptoms, but rather will heal at the real level that caused these symptoms. The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program is your absolute solution to achieve option number 3.

Choosing to Touch the Previous Addiction

It’s really important to not be fooled and think “If I just heal the reasons why I go for the addiction then I won’t be addicted and I can continue seeing the narcissist.”

I no longer have any urge for cigarettes, but this doesn’t mean that I choose to still occasionally smoke. They’re toxic; they’re poison. They have no place in my orientation of loving, respecting and caring for myself now.

Someone asked not long ago what to do if they ran into the ex-narcissist – and shouldn’t they be the bigger person and say “Hello?”

This is just a function of our ego – wanting to “appear a certain way”.

My answer was this: “If I ran into an ex narcissist there would be nothing from me, no acknowledgement, no words, no energy. Nothing … not a thing. Even if they acknowledged me there would be nothing.”

The reason being: narcissists are Not My Reality.

They don’t get any energy from me – ever.

I know if I connect, even with a glance or an acknowledgment, I’m buying into an energetic, chemical, emotional dark void of games, manipulation, agendas, nastiness, undermining and ego …

… that’s always unhealthy, unsavoury, soul-destroying and toxic.

I wouldn’t pick up a heroin needle, or a crack pipe … so why would I pick up a narcissist again?

In Closing

I hope this article helps – a lot …

It’s a lot to take it.

Self-reflect this information and apply it to what you know about your life … and really think about and feel into how these states have played out in your life … and do the research about bodily chemical addictions – at a scientific level – if you want to understand more.

Addiction is serious, it’s deadly and it’s excruciating when it’s got hold of you

That’s NOT living, and it is NOT the organic life of wellbeing that is our birthright to experience – when we take the path back to the truth.

I want to help you achieve this – because it’s my life mission to help as many people liberate themselves from narcissistic abuse as possible.

– See more at: http://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/what-it-means-to-be-addicted-to-a-narcissist-and-how-to-break-free-from-it/#sthash.ZDbAbq46.dpuf

Betrayal is A Real Bitch!


Betrayal. A breach of trust. Fear. What you thought was true-counted on to be true- was not.  It was just smoke and mirrors, outright deceit and lies.  Sometimes it was hard to tell because there was just enough truth to make everything seem okay.  Even a little truth with just the right spin can cover the outrageous.  Worse there are the times of seeming sincerity and care that effectively obscure what you know to be true.  It was exploitation, not love.  You were used.  Everything in you wants to believe you weren’t.  Please make it not be true, you pray.  Yet enough proof has emerged.  Facts that can no longer be denied.

Betrayal.  You can’t explain it away anymore.  A pattern exists and you know that now.  You can no longer return to the way it was (which was never really as it seemed).  That would be unbearable.  But to move forward means certain pain.  No escape and no in-between.  Choices have to be made today, not tomorrow.  The usual ways you numb yourself will not work.  The reality is too great, too relentless.

Betrayal is a form of abandonment.  But I haven’t been abandoned, my wife or husband is still here, you tell yourself.  Often abandonment is difficult to see because the betrayer can still be close, even intimate.  Yet YOUR interests, YOUR well-being is continually sacrificed.

Abandonment is at the core of addictions.  Abandonment causes deep shame but abandonment by betrayal is so much worse than mindless neglect.  Betrayal is purposeful, self-serving and traumatic.

But that is not the worst part.  The worst part is a mind-numbing, highly addictive and strong attachment to the person who has hurt you!  You may even try to explain and help them understand what they are doing- convert them into non-abusers.  You will probably blame yourself, your defects and your failed efforts.  You strive to do better as your life and any shred of happiness slips further and further away. 

These attachments cause you to not trust your judgment, distort your own realities and memories and place yourself at even greater risk.  The great irony?  You are bracing yourself against further hurt.  The result? A guarantee of more pain!!

These attachments have a name.  They are called traumatic bonds or betrayal bonds.  Exploitative relationships like that with an overt or covert narcissist, create these bonds. These occur when a victim bonds with someone who is destructive to him or her.  Thus the hostage becomes the champion of the hostage-taker and the victim becomes the champion of their abuser.

A new day, a new withdrawal

'I know it's hard, ma'am, but the worst is over. The vomiting and severe shakes are nearly gone...'

Oh my god does this suck!!!  Uggh!! Withdrawal symptoms are back with a vengeance today. I am sad, weepy, disappointed and pissed off at P and myself all at once!  So I blocked him on Facebook, not because he will contact but to help myself keep the hell away from something that only ends up hurting me in the end.  Now I remember why they say NO CONTACT at all!  Thanks, P!  Seriously, I know as an addict I must take responsibility for my own actions. I did this to myself.  But just like his brain is damaged and addicted from years of mental abuse conditioning by so so, mine is conditioned to miss him and want him. Just like a drug addict needs a fix and an alcoholic needs a drink, I want to hear his voice or see his face.  It is that simple.

I have been great and happy,  totally good right?  No problem.  Said goodbye and went back to my life.  I had a great relaxing, uneventful weekend with hubby, which was way past due lol.  We have had parties (Holy Communions, Graduations, Memorial Celebrations, etc.) every single weekend for the last 2 months.  Now I realize what a blessing that was. Not only did I have a heck of a lot of fun with hubby, family and friends but I had something to occupy my time and help me forget P.

I guess I just feel like a fool for still caring about him after all he has said and done over the last 7 months.  I honestly don’t know how in love with him I am anymore.  Back then I adored him and just wanted to spend time with him.  He made me truly enjoy life and all the simplest pleasures it has to offer.  We had so many adventures and always met the funniest, most interesting people on our journeys.  I have to start doing that with my H again.  It might never be quite as magical because of the way my heart bonded with his, but it also won’t hurt like hell either.

Thankfully this is just a small blip in a very happy and joyful life.  I’m not gonna lie or bs anyone that is experiencing heartbreak, the end of an affair or the loss of any important relationship. 7 months ago the pain was so unbearable and intense, there were days when I didn’t think I would make it or if I even wanted to.  But I have to believe that every experience teaches us something on our journey of life.  What this taught me besides DON’T HAVE AN AFFAIR, I am still figuring out lol.

While I regret so much, I simply cannot regret meeting and loving P.  It changed me in so many ways and hopefully for the better.  He made me want to do better, to be a better person.  Not many people have inspired me like that just through their love for me.  I would like to believe that I made him a better person and in the end, changed his life for the better.  It opened my eyes to living again after my Mom died.  And the kissing for hours and amazing sex that just kept getting better was pretty damn wonderful. We could literally talk about anything and everything, no subject was too weird, taboo or awkward.  I have never had that with anyone else in my lifetime (although my Mom and H come close).  Why was that?  I guess I will never know the significance.  I was in a cocoon and P helped me emerge a beautiful butterfly. I think maybe now it’s just time for me to finally fly away.

We all make choices and decisions in life, for one reason or another.  Whether it’s because of love, fear, anger, sadness, jealousy or because it feels safe and comfortable, I don’t know.  But those choices have consequences and we have to live with them until we have the courage to CHANGE. Narcissists cannot change what they are but the rest of us that do not have some sort of personality disorder can.  So even when we feel weak, stuck or unworthy, we must remember we are not only worthy of love, we deserve it.  We need good healthy love in our life in some way.

I know I will be happy in my life, no matter what happens.  I also know that I have to take my own advice.  I have to Go Where the Love Is!  Not where my heart wants to be but where I am loved, appreciated and cared for.  I am going to focus all my energy on letting go and moving on this summer.  No more looking back, it is time to turn the page and start a new chapter.  Now I’m feeling excited and smiling, not crying and sad 🙂

“For what it’s worth: It’s never too late to be whoever you want to be. I hope you live a life you’re proud of, and if you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start over.”
— F. Scott Fitzgerald

What abusers hope we never learn about trauma bonding

I never knew that it was not only possible but common for someone to be so closely bonded and addicted to their narcissist spouse. It happens without them even realizing it. It is why so many choose to stay trapped, feeling alone, miserable and unloved for years, even decades.
It is not your fault but there is a way out. You can break free of the cycle of abuse and learn to love yourself again. But the first step is to see the truth and stop being in denial. The overt and/or covert narcissist will not change and things will never get better as long as you stay with them.

Avalanche of the soul

Do you think you can’t leave your abusive partner? Do you feel hopeless when you return to a relationship filled with pain? Or, do you dwell on your toxic ex and struggle to stay away? Then you may be caught in a carefully crafted trauma bond – but you don’t need to be Houdini to escape.

Photo by Clearly Ambiguous Photo by Clearly Ambiguous

Traumatic bonding is a hit with abusers, because it helps him to maintain much-needed control. It helps him keep you where he wants you: tethered to him and his soul-destroying behaviour. But, the bond isn’t as iron-clad as he imagines. Here’s FIVE things he hopes you don’t know about traumatic-bonding, and how to shake off the shackles.

1. What is trauma bonding?

Traumatic-bonding is an intense attachment to your abuser. It happens when you feel emotionally and physically dependent upon a dominant partner – who dishes out abuse and rewards…

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If They Love You


Man walking at sunset


Love is more black and white than we like to tell ourselves. Don’t allow anyone to keep you trapped in the “promise” of the gray area. The bottom line is: If they love you, TRULY love you, they’ll do whatever it takes to be with you. There won’t be excuses or doubts or fears or hesitation. Love is ACTION. Everything else is just words.
~Mandy Hale – The Single Woman

This is what I have to keep reminding myself.  No, we cannot choose who we fall in love with.  But we can choose to keep going back to those that break us down with empty words and unfulfilled promises OR we can love ourselves enough to realize we don’t need anyone to be happy.  We think we cannot live without them, but we can.  We just have to accept what we can’t change.

P keeps calling me, at home and at work and on my cell.  I have blocked him as much as I can, but at work I just don’t answer private calls.  He says he’s getting separated.  I will believe that when I see it lol.  But even so, it still has nothing to do with me.

As for me, I am going to continue to go where the love is.

Into The Fire

walking into fire


Today is P’s birthday.  The addict in me wants to unblock him and make contact.  My brain actually tries to come up with valid reasons and excuses! Thankfully, I know it is full of crap lol.  And really, to what end?  It would just do more harm to both of us, especially me.  So instead of doing something I would absolutely regret, I am blogging about it.

I almost cannot believe it has been 6 months since we have seen one another.  I saw him almost every single week, sometimes twice.  He took me to Radio City Music Hall for a concert for my birthday last year and we went away for 3 days together for his last spring.   We met 2 years ago this week. And while I still miss him so much it hurts sometimes, I do not miss the chaos and dysfunction that permeates his life. I do not miss the addictive way I craved his love.

I really thought he was someone who treasured my heart. Someone who would never abuse my trust and who cherished me. Ultimately, he couldn’t overcome all his fears and anxiety.   The simple fact is that he could and did hurt me and himself.  Nothing can change that and while I have forgiven him, I cannot forget the broken promises and how easily he was controlled and bullied into submission.  Definitely not attractive in a person.

Now I don’t know what would’ve happened.  Maybe I would’ve been miserable dealing with all his problems and issues.  I guess we will never know.  It wasn’t my choice but I have had to come to terms and accept it.  We were always able to tackle any problem together, so I had faith.  He taught me how much joy and fun life has to offer and he says I taught him how to love.  That he never knew how much peace and happiness you could feel just sitting on a bench holding hands and watching the planes fly by.  My heart is almost healed and I am taking it day by day.

I think the one element that has been bothering me is this.  If he had any kind of loving, caring wife who genuinely cared about him and wanted to fix their marriage, I would be hurt but I would understand that decision.  But that is NOT what he has nor what he will ever have.  So so is not a very good person but she is a master at faking it as she has been doing it all her life.  She is a frigid, fake narcissist who uses fear, threats, lies and intimidation to manipulate, bully and control.  She lacks any real empathy and this will not change.  This codependent, dysfunctional relationship obviously works for them and they are welcome to it.  Not good enough to be happy but not terrible enough to leave.  A kind of permanent purgatory.

For me, life is too short not to be happy.

I know now he is back to a sex life consisting solely of porn on his Kindle and his hand.  I saw this cartoon and I could not help but think of him 😉

cartoon marriage funny

Painful to Say Goodbye

by Brigitte
It’s really painful to say goodbye to someone that you don’t want to let go of, but it’s even more painful to hold on to them if they never wanted to stay in the first place. If someone doesn’t show you the same love that you show them, and acts as if you are unimportant most of the time, this may be a big clue as to the fact that you don’t need them in your life either. The only people you truly need in your life are those who respect you and want you to be in theirs.

For me, this has been one of the lessons I have had the most trouble adhering to.  It’s so simple and true.  But yet, my heart just kept trying.  I’m a pretty intelligent person who has never taken crap from any guy.  So why did I try so hard to hold on to our relationship? He made me believe in him and us.  But it wasn’t reality. It was self-destructive to have any contact with him at all.  Why do I keep letting him back in my life and in my heart?  What was it about him that I responded so deeply to?  It scares me that I gave my heart and soul to someone who was so wonderful, who said he felt the same and then showed the opposite.

I honestly became addicted to him and his love, needing more and more to feel good.  

One of the hardest things for love addicts experiencing a break up is breaking their denial. Denial is the PRIMARY psychological symptom of addiction. Denial is one of the reasons that recovery from love addiction isn’t effective. You cannot overcome a problem unless you come to fully accept that it exists. Denial comes in the form of:

-Ignoring how unhealthy the relationship actually was

-Believing getting back the relationship will solve the problems.

-Convincing yourself, it will “be different” next time.

-Not accepting the relationship is over.

-Believing the avoidant partner can be someone different from he or she is.

-Holding on to the fantasy you created from the beginning of the relationship.

-False hope that you can fix things.
I have to accept my powerlessness over my love addiction and the chaos and unmanageability it has brought into my life.

I know P is not a bad man, he’s actually pretty sweet.  He’s just not good for me and that’s what matters.



To Cry or Not to Cry

I have hardly cried at all this week.  Now to most people, this seems like it should be the status quo.  But for me this is a HUGE win lol.  It seems like all I have done since December is cry.  Between the depression and getting over P, I feel like I have cried enough tears for a lifetime.  Yes I know it is cleansing, healthy and good for the soul. It also is exhausting, ruins my contacts and just makes me feel like a big cry baby lol.

So Monday started blah but the rest of the week flew by, especially at work.  Today was absolute chaos and I am only just now coming up for air.   Which is a good thing because it keeps my mind busy and away from destructive things.  Sometimes I realize just how far I have come on this journey and how much happier I am becoming.  It feels good and healthy.

I will say that just a little while ago, I got this intense urge to message P.  It snuck up on me and it was just so strong!  My addicted brain tried to trick me saying, “what’s the harm in just saying hi, have a nice weekend”.  Yeah right!?!?!  Instead I teared up (but no tears were actually shed) and talked myself through it.  How crappy I would feel no matter what he said and how hard it would be to not keep talking.  Then I texted my addiction “sponsor” (another blogger who is also dealing with love addiction) and a friend letting them know.   And after that?  I called my HUSBAND, who of course picked up the phone and was really happy to hear from me.   I was so glad I hadn’t done anything to hurt him further or hinder all the progress we’ve been making together.

As much as I LOVE romantic letters, cards, etc., I have come to realize that love is in actions.  It’s what you do that matters even more than what you say.  And I realized that in the 14 years since I first met my husband, he has never once in all those years broken up with me or left me.  Never once.  So all I can do is take it one day at a time and keep choosing the people that have chosen me and love those that love me.  

Go where the love is my friends. 

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