Hell Hath Definitely Frozen Over- Part 1

P served so so with separation papers. It’s a long, messy tale. Basically, after going back to her as she asked him to do, doing everything and anything in his power to repair his broken marriage and keep his family intact for the last 11 months without any significant improvement? He knew something wasn’t right as they still have not been intimate (it’s been 3 1/2 years now) beyond a few kisses and some rubbing.  She just kept saying she needs time. Well she has been having an affair for almost a year and has had other brief affairs in the past. He saw her passcode and found nude photos, texts, and evidence that she even paid for the hotel and bought this guy gifts!!

I honestly think he would’ve forgiven all of this as he had an affair too.  But she has said such horrible, disgusting and demeaning things about him over and over to the point that his Mom read them and was completely horrified and shocked.  It’s become completely obvious that she hates P and has for a long time.  She is a sick and evil woman and I feel so sorry for their kids.  The way she ridiculed his attempts to be sweet to her are just so completely mean and nasty.

She constantly laughs at him, calls him her bitch and says he will never leave her!!!  For their 20th Anniversary, he took her to a broadway show and bought her a Michael Kors purse, perfume and a card.  She laughed when telling her OM how she got him nothing, not even a card and how she returned the really nice purse just to upset him.

He says he was finally ready to get out but knew he was and is addicted to the narcissistic cycle of abuse he has endured for over 20 years.  He has told his Mom and sisters because he knew it would be like an insurance policy. After all these years, he doesn’t trust himself and needs to ensure that he cannot go back to her.

So in true narcissistic fashion, she is feverishly hoovering, trying to be sweet and saying what’s the rush? She has NOT called the attorney/mediator to schedule an appointment as she has promised to do for the last few days. She says she’s worried about the kids. Bullshit!! She’s worried that she will have to actually BE a Mother and spend extended periods of time with her own children rather than at the gym and with the om.  But I believe P is still by far her biggest source of narcissistic supply. I don’t see her giving that up willingly or easily.  She likes to see him miserable and lonely. He has allowed her to make him feel worthless and that’s just sad.

While we all want to hear good things about ourselves from family and friends, we value them even when it’s not forthcoming. Many of us have even learned to appreciate those who tactfully share with us negative feedback. This is certainly not the case with Narcissists. They ONLY value those who feed their craving for something called “narcissistic supply.” Children–especially young ones–are good sources of supply, along with other family members and friends they can control and dominate.

I am just really glad that he and his family have finally seen exactly who she is. But rest assured, I cannot be involved in any of this crazy circus.  I have not forgiven him for the way he has treated me and for choosing to stay miserable and unloved.

After all the years he’s wasted? After decades of narcissistic abuse? I feel sorry for him but I know he is his own worst enemy. He always has been. And while it breaks my heart to know how broken he is, I have seen nothing yet to make me want to see him or allow him back in my life.

One Way Ticket to Crazy Town!

I honestly feel so happy and content today. It’s nice not to feel that crazy need to contact. I don’t know how long this wonderful feeling will last but I’m grateful to feel good. I like having a life with little to no drama. I am most definitely not one of those women who seem to be followed around by drama.

When I first started blogging here, I became very close with a fellow blogger who had also been in a somewhat similar situation and heartbreak as the one I was currently trying to navigate my way through. Unlike P, he dumped her AFTER his divorce mediation was DONE!!! Just wrote her a letter and cleared all his stuff out of her house while she was at work. Went back to wife VOLUNTARILY and told her he had been having a 2 year affair!! Then cut off all contact with her. She KEPT contacting him, went to his work, went to the coffee shop that he always went to. As far as I am concerned, she stalked the guy and now she has the nerve to pretend that HE PURSUED HER?!? She feels somewhat responsible??? He said he wanted to work on his marriage and then she hounded him.

Now you may ask why this particular story freaked me out SOOO much. It affected me deeply because I was really afraid I would jump off that cliff and act as shameful and pathetically weak as she did too. I mean it REALLY scared me how she seemed so sane and then POOF crazy town. I told her she was screwed up and I said I couldn’t respect the choices she had made anymore, but I respected her right to make them. The sad part is she is not at all the mature, I have it together, I will just take a backseat and see, success story she pretends to be. Picture her attached to his leg begging and pleading, as he’s desperately trying to walk away. Unfortunately, that’s much closer to the truth.

He asked her to give him time to work on his marriage, just like P asked me. The difference is that he DID NOT want to see her. She sought him out at work, she went to the coffee shop he frequents, etc and so forth!! Then she has the sheer AUDACITY to talk about his estranged wife stalking her?!?!?! Are you fucking kidding me, he was the gazelle and she was the friggin lioness! I have just truly had enough of people who were lucky enough not to know the extremely ugly truth buying this crap any longer.

That’s when I had to separate myself. I figured she seemed pretty sane before this, maybe a little full of herself and deluded but nice. I didn’t want to end up jumping off the cliff. It scared the crap out of me. Yes she has him. But at what price??? And she got an abortion for him, but somehow now they act like the baby died of natural causes!!! It’s batshit crazy. I can’t even deal with it. That’s why this is the first time I am posting what really happened, THE TRUTH . I have a bullshit threshold limit and by actually trying to paint HERSELF as the victim in this very sad situation, she has crossed it.

She is delusional and more screwed up in the head than this man’s poor wife could ever be. Quite frankly, I think this woman has shown remarkable restraint. I might not like and respect so so, but the only victims in our soap opera was their kids. I own my mistakes, for better or worse, and do not want to repeat them. Having an affair was selfish and wrong. But at the end of the day, at least I still have my dignity.

No Longer In the Driver’s Seat

NO, THIS IS NOT ME don’t worry!!! LOL

So yeah, remember when I thought I could handle being in contact with P? Turns out that was a little ambitious and premature.  But hey you live, you learn right?

This time I told him that I would not contact him again.  And I would only accept contact from him if there was a MAJOR life change.  It’s been 10 months and hardly anything has changed.  That’s fine for him, but I think it’s absolutely ridiculous and sad.

He got all upset when we last spoke, almost like he was having a panic attack. I told him that it wasn’t goodbye forever, just for a while. That seemed to calm him down and he said ok, that he could handle. (FYI- I am not overly concerned with what he can or cannot handle at the moment, forgive me lol.)  He has a twitch in his eye and his lip.  This man is STRESSED to the max!  And I think we both realized we were just torturing each other having contact.  It’s not like we were lovey dovey at all! He kept asking me to see him but understood why I couldn’t do that.  I refuse to end up in the same situation, lying and cheating.  No thanks!  We both were very uncomfortable lying and sneaking around. And whenever we’re together, all rational thought tends to go out the window because he’s so damn sexy lol. So I resisted.  Do I regret it?  I’d be lying if I said never but I know it was the intelligent decision for both of us.

I honestly do not know how to describe it.  But unfortunately for me, calling or texting him became like an OCD compulsion that I felt completely helpless to stop. The really insane part is it rarely, if ever, even made me feel better!!!  Crazy right?? I have never had OCD but WOW, it must really suck to be a slave to certain behaviors.  I cannot even imagine the hell people go through.

I have to decide what I am doing with my marriage, but thankfully I don’t have to make that decision yet. Because of a family issue (his Mom needed us and she never ever needs us so we were happy to help), we had to postpone our first appointment. And because I work days and my husband works nights, it’s been difficult. But he is taking off next week for our first appointment and I cannot wait.  I just want to get on with all this already.  I went from not wanting to go to I can’t wait to go.  Go figure lol!

How Many Chances?

 

never let u go

I know some people would rather I never mention a certain person EVER AGAIN lol. If that is the case, skip this post and come back tomorrow lol. Please let me be 100% clear.  This was how I felt IN THE PAST.  It is NOT how I feel anymore. I just wasn’t ready to let him go for so long.  I had so much love for him and hope that he would find his way back to me.  

Don’t you just love an eternal optimist? Well that’s definitely me!  I was so hurt, betrayed and angry but underneath it all was hope.  False hope is such a bitch!  Even more than Karma lol! It keeps you loving and missing someone long after they should be but a memory.  I was never as strong as everyone thinks I am.  I missed him so much, some days I didn’t know how I would make it through.

But somewhere along the way, I went from loving him to needing him.  It became unhealthy, like an addiction.  I kept needing more and more to satisfy me. I know now that it was my subconscious way of knowing that I was skating on thin ice and was about to fall through to the murky, icy waters below.  He wasn’t ready to build a life with me, even though he told me he was.  I guess deep down inside somewhere, I knew that.  That’s why I was so insecure.  When someone leaves you, it makes you feel insecure!

I realize now that it was extremely foolish and naive to think a relationship could’ve possibly worked out, especially back in November when his family threatened to disown him if he left so n so for me. We all need love and support from our family and friends. That’s what life is all about. Family, friends, love, laughter, relationships, and joy. His kids are the most important thing in his life, as they should be, and it’s stressful enough knowing your parents live separate lives.  To throw me in the mix would’ve hurt them and I never wanted that.  Kids don’t ask to be born and they deserve every chance for a happy, secure life.

An affair is, despite how you may feel while you are in it, an extra relationship. While mine wasn’t a secret from my hubby, I wasn’t open with him about it. Sometimes, it was like he was in a prison and I was stuck in there with him.  The insane part is that I was there through my own choice! At the time, I just wasn’t ready to face up to the big problem in my marriage, a lack of physical intimacy.

 All I know is he was able to put my love in a fuckin box!!!!  Wow, really dude?!?!  Well, if you are able to just stick my love in a box, then it couldn’t have meant that much to you in the first place.  Why are guys so much better than women at compartmentalizing?  It’s such a nifty ability when you want to lie to yourself and keep things separate in your head.  Just probably not the healthiest way to go through life. I think it’s a blessing in disguise I found out how damaged and addicted he was before I made any major changes in my life.

Why did I give him a few chances?!?!?!  When someone shows you who they really are, BELIEVE THEM!!!  But that’s the thing. Despite the fact that he hurt me, can I truly fault him for trying to save his marriage and family? Even though so n so’s a narcissist, they have still been married 19 years. Just another lesson. Affairs suck n cause everyone a lot of pain, even the cheater. That is one of the many lessons I have learned over the last 2 years.  I guess that was what this was all about. Teaching me lessons that I needed to learn.  And I absolutely have, whether I wanted to or not.

So how many chances do we give those we love before it’s enough??  How many chances before we must let go and wish them well?  And how many before it goes from loving someone to being a doormat?

more-chances-disrespecting-you-8w5t

Holding On vs. Letting Go

I let him go

I have never been a woman that takes long to get over relationships. It shocks me that it has taken 8 months to finally let go of P and be at peace with shutting that door for good.  I just kept holding on because I was so certain he was my future. That he could be strong enough to break free from the cycle of narcissistic abuse.  That he would figure it out before it was too late.  He wasn’t and he didn’t.  And that’s okay because it doesn’t mean we didn’t love one another very much.  It just means he’s not ready to leave his prison of loneliness and dysfunction. I am still angry sometimes but I guess I will take anger over sadness lol.

why we hold on

This is so friggin true!! Do you want to know why I held on so tightly for so long and refused to let go?  Because most of the time it was amazing. Our love was special in a way I had never known. I have never felt that way about anyone before in my whole life.  Believe me, he wasn’t perfect at all lol! That man has more issues and baggage than an airport terminal. He was just perfect for me and I thought that I was perfect for him.  We used to marvel at how his crazy fit my crazy.  But he’s so afraid of making changes or mistakes. A lot of that is his generalized anxiety disorder.  And that’s okay because it’s his choice.  My choice is to move on without him in my life anymore.

I gave him 2 years and that was plenty of time to get his shit together.  Like DaVinci said “A life without love is no life at all.” He just thinks he’s wasted 8 years, what’s a few more months?

Well a few months was the difference between my holding on and my letting go.  We all make choices.  He’s made his to stay unhappy and unloved and I’ve made mine to cut him out of my life completely and irrevocably.  I think he really just thought I would happily wait til he was finally ready. Obviously I guess he never truly understood me.  Patience has always been a struggle for me and I admit that.  I know how short life is and I don’t intend to waste mine pining for anyone!

movingon

This quote makes me laugh because it was exactly how I felt those first few days.  It’s still hard to look back and realize just how much pain I was in.  Thankfully, I am living, finally moving on and I am happy.  I had to realize that I don’t actually NEED anyone to live, even P. I do believe there was a purpose to all of this. Unlike P, I learn from my mistakes and pain so that I don’t repeat them.  I will make new ones 😉

Go where the love and great sex is my friends!

There Is NO Us vs Them

I have never glorified affairs or being the other woman. It is personal and definitely not something I am proud of or I would have my photo on my blog.

My blog is about more than one topic. It was about the end of an affair. But it’s also about depression, marriage, inspiration, narcissism, abuse and laughter.

I was a betrayed spouse long before I was ever the OW. It was the most painful situation I had ever experienced before the loss of my Mom.

That being said, I do NOT understand why so many betrayed spouses continue to hate and focus on the ow instead of placing the majority of the blame on their own husbands! When my H cheated, I didn’t like her and yes I thought she was trash. But I didn’t hate her and blame her more than him. She wasn’t my problem, HE was.

If you are focusing on, blaming and getting revenge on the woman, you are not focused on your husband, your marriage or your damaged relationship. In a way, you are letting your husbands off the hook.

What possible good comes from people making assumptions and projecting their own hurt, betrayal and anger onto strangers?

A betrayed spouse wrote this a while back. I think it’s about me.
I have been reading a blog by a married woman who was betrayed by her husband. A couple of years later she subsequently went out and had an affair of her own and has recently been caught and disclosed.
Actually I voluntarily told my H and P told his W. No one was caught.

The justification she uses for her adulterous ways confound me. Having been on the receiving end of lies told by my first husband to others in order to justify his affair, I may be projecting. I’m very sorry this woman was lied to, but she most definitely is projecting. There is no justification for an affair and hindsight is 20/20. I was in a very loving yet sexless marriage for 3 years. If it happened today would I walk away? Absolutely! But I was naive and foolish. My adulterous ways?? Um you are barking up the wrong tree there lol.

Here are some thoughts from me on the matter of this OW’s blog.

Why are you bestowing guilt on the wife who had zero knowledge of your relationship with her husband? She’s not guilty of our affair. She’s only guilty of being a fake frigid narcissist and a crappy Mother (daughter’s therapist’s opinion, but I agree).

You actually believe what your AP told you about her? If it was true, you had no business knowing any of that information – her husband breached his wife’s trust the first time he ever said anything about his marriage to you. Well if I believe him and he’s telling the truth (his Mom verified), it still doesn’t matter cause we cheated. So doesn’t matter what the truth is because you have already judged me as guilty and wrong.

The sad truth is you don’t know me and the fact that your husband hurt, lied, betrayed and cheated on you is not and never will be my fault. It’s easy to paint me as the harlot and her as the victim. Well guess what? The victim’s own family has since seen the truth since her mask is gone. His parents and sisters won’t even be in the same room with the “victim” anymore. That has absolutely nothing to do with me and everything to do with her.

Regardless of the facts, life is NOT always black and white. Affairs suck and cause pain. They are not romantic or sexy. But the only people I feel bad for hurting is my husband and his kids. His kids are the only innocents in this whole mess. I deeply regret hurting them and also my H.

Whatever my reasons and justifications were, they are mine and NO ONE has the right to judge me except God. I am not the whore, temptress, or bunny boiler that slept with any of your husbands. We are not one size fits all just as BS are not all the same.

Stop hating and judging! When it happened to me, I took a long deep look at myself. I wasn’t to blame for his affair but I wasn’t blameless for issues in our marriage. Focus on your own lives and the good, loving women you are. Please don’t judge all of us ow as evil whores. We aren’t all shitty people but we are human.

I was a good woman in a bad situation who made a stupid decision and hurt others and myself. But I will not pay for the crimes of others. Do not confuse my kindness and compassion with weakness. It would be a mistake.

Sexless? No Thanks I Need Sex

I just read an article that stated that 1 in every 5 marriages is sexless! They define sexless as having sex less that 4 times a year. Um 4 times a year seems like an improvement to our stats the previous 5 years lol.

Seriously who doesn’t like sex???

I have always been a huge fan of sex. For me it was always an important part of a relationship. Granted I have had relatively fewer partners than most women my age (6). But in a loving, committed relationship I felt free to explore and I enjoy trying new things. I enjoy exploring multiple times a day lol.

So to have no sex for a few years? I’m probably lucky I didn’t end up in a padded room. I was so unhappy and felt completely ugly and constantly rejected.

It also helps with my depression and is necessary to my happiness.

Even though we are currently having sex, it’s still not as easy as it was with P. He and I could discuss anything and everything without being awkward or uncomfortable. There’s a distance there with H that while improving slowly, still very much exists. I have no idea why. Since I am open and honest, it must be coming from hubby.

Sometimes I think he got used to using porn and jerking off for so many years before we even met. But we dated for 4 years before we got married and the sex was great! I wouldn’t have said yes if it wasn’t.

I’ve been looking for a good sex therapist in our area and will make some calls tomorrow. He has to be ready, willing and able. He says he is, so hopefully this will help.

It does not nor will it ever excuse cheating. But it’s a sad fact that life isn’t black and white. I know now that an affair wasn’t the answer for me. I also know that as stupid and naive as it seems, we fell deeply in love. It’s not easy to find everything you need in one person. I really thought I had but obviously that wasn’t enough.

I will continue to work to have the marriage I need to be happy but I will never again go months or years without physical love and intimacy. No matter how much I love someone. Life is too short not to be happy, enjoyed and loved.

A new day, a new withdrawal

'I know it's hard, ma'am, but the worst is over. The vomiting and severe shakes are nearly gone...'

Oh my god does this suck!!!  Uggh!! Withdrawal symptoms are back with a vengeance today. I am sad, weepy, disappointed and pissed off at P and myself all at once!  So I blocked him on Facebook, not because he will contact but to help myself keep the hell away from something that only ends up hurting me in the end.  Now I remember why they say NO CONTACT at all!  Thanks, P!  Seriously, I know as an addict I must take responsibility for my own actions. I did this to myself.  But just like his brain is damaged and addicted from years of mental abuse conditioning by so so, mine is conditioned to miss him and want him. Just like a drug addict needs a fix and an alcoholic needs a drink, I want to hear his voice or see his face.  It is that simple.

I have been great and happy,  totally good right?  No problem.  Said goodbye and went back to my life.  I had a great relaxing, uneventful weekend with hubby, which was way past due lol.  We have had parties (Holy Communions, Graduations, Memorial Celebrations, etc.) every single weekend for the last 2 months.  Now I realize what a blessing that was. Not only did I have a heck of a lot of fun with hubby, family and friends but I had something to occupy my time and help me forget P.

I guess I just feel like a fool for still caring about him after all he has said and done over the last 7 months.  I honestly don’t know how in love with him I am anymore.  Back then I adored him and just wanted to spend time with him.  He made me truly enjoy life and all the simplest pleasures it has to offer.  We had so many adventures and always met the funniest, most interesting people on our journeys.  I have to start doing that with my H again.  It might never be quite as magical because of the way my heart bonded with his, but it also won’t hurt like hell either.

Thankfully this is just a small blip in a very happy and joyful life.  I’m not gonna lie or bs anyone that is experiencing heartbreak, the end of an affair or the loss of any important relationship. 7 months ago the pain was so unbearable and intense, there were days when I didn’t think I would make it or if I even wanted to.  But I have to believe that every experience teaches us something on our journey of life.  What this taught me besides DON’T HAVE AN AFFAIR, I am still figuring out lol.

While I regret so much, I simply cannot regret meeting and loving P.  It changed me in so many ways and hopefully for the better.  He made me want to do better, to be a better person.  Not many people have inspired me like that just through their love for me.  I would like to believe that I made him a better person and in the end, changed his life for the better.  It opened my eyes to living again after my Mom died.  And the kissing for hours and amazing sex that just kept getting better was pretty damn wonderful. We could literally talk about anything and everything, no subject was too weird, taboo or awkward.  I have never had that with anyone else in my lifetime (although my Mom and H come close).  Why was that?  I guess I will never know the significance.  I was in a cocoon and P helped me emerge a beautiful butterfly. I think maybe now it’s just time for me to finally fly away.

We all make choices and decisions in life, for one reason or another.  Whether it’s because of love, fear, anger, sadness, jealousy or because it feels safe and comfortable, I don’t know.  But those choices have consequences and we have to live with them until we have the courage to CHANGE. Narcissists cannot change what they are but the rest of us that do not have some sort of personality disorder can.  So even when we feel weak, stuck or unworthy, we must remember we are not only worthy of love, we deserve it.  We need good healthy love in our life in some way.

I know I will be happy in my life, no matter what happens.  I also know that I have to take my own advice.  I have to Go Where the Love Is!  Not where my heart wants to be but where I am loved, appreciated and cared for.  I am going to focus all my energy on letting go and moving on this summer.  No more looking back, it is time to turn the page and start a new chapter.  Now I’m feeling excited and smiling, not crying and sad 🙂

“For what it’s worth: It’s never too late to be whoever you want to be. I hope you live a life you’re proud of, and if you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start over.”
— F. Scott Fitzgerald

Houston, We Have Contact.

Uggh!  Why did I pick up that stupid phone?  He had emailed, called my work, my home and my cell.  I was good and ignored, but he wouldn’t let it go until he spoke to me.  Told me he has been miserable and is getting separated.  He misses me and could we just meet for dinner?  I laughed and said NO WAY!  I said it twenty different ways over the next 2 days.  But we did talk and laughed for about an hour.  And that’s all it took for my addicted brain to get rehooked!!!

Then we spoke the next day and he told me he was really upset because his son who never cries, cried all night when he found out about the separation.  He is scared to hurt the kids and now she wants to try (I guess the last 7 months were just practice?) because it upset her too.

I understand that this is extremely difficult and whatever he decides he feels he’s doing something wrong.  If he stays, she will never be anything more than a really nice roommate.  She hasn’t shown him love and affection in 20 years, she won’t start now.  If he goes, he feels like he failed, broke up his family and hurt his kids for his own happiness.  It’s a no win situation.  And I want no part of it.

So the best thing I can do for myself and for him is to take myself out of the equation.  Time is what he needs and time is what he shall get.  I choose NOT to be in his life, now or in the future.  I’ve thought about this long and hard.  I needed to be really honest with myself.

I don’t want to be with him for a lot of reasons.  I don’t trust him anymore and I don’t think I would ever be willing to take the chance necessary to make a successful relationship.  How could I ever be happy with someone that continues to make such shitty choices?  Most importantly, I would always feel like second choice to a frigid narcissist and that just wouldn’t make me happy.  Life is way too short to put up with such bullshit lol.

It’s funny, all his health problems, anxiety disorder, quirky fussiness, etc. never diminished my love for him.  But the fact that he could hurt me so much and be okay with himself?  Like there’s something wrong with me for having been so shattered? That says a lot about a person. That kind of made me finally admit that he’s not the man I thought he was.  He should stay with so so and pretend he’s happy for the rest of his life.

My choice is my H, who has never ever made me feel like second choice and who has never left me, even when things were rough.

Goodbye P and good luck.  I don’t need to know how your story ends because I know it won’t be with me. For the first time in 7 months knowing that doesn’t hurt, it makes me happy.

I actually told him to go where the love is lol. For me that is a bright and happy future with my husband. I am finally at peace. He needs to find his own.

If They Love You

 

Man walking at sunset

 

Love is more black and white than we like to tell ourselves. Don’t allow anyone to keep you trapped in the “promise” of the gray area. The bottom line is: If they love you, TRULY love you, they’ll do whatever it takes to be with you. There won’t be excuses or doubts or fears or hesitation. Love is ACTION. Everything else is just words.
~Mandy Hale – The Single Woman

This is what I have to keep reminding myself.  No, we cannot choose who we fall in love with.  But we can choose to keep going back to those that break us down with empty words and unfulfilled promises OR we can love ourselves enough to realize we don’t need anyone to be happy.  We think we cannot live without them, but we can.  We just have to accept what we can’t change.

P keeps calling me, at home and at work and on my cell.  I have blocked him as much as I can, but at work I just don’t answer private calls.  He says he’s getting separated.  I will believe that when I see it lol.  But even so, it still has nothing to do with me.

As for me, I am going to continue to go where the love is.

Out of the Fire and into the Frying Pan

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He emailed me Thursday and I didn’t see it until Saturday.  Nothing much, just about kids, how he doesn’t go on facebook or text and email much anymore, and then he wrote “I really hope from the bottom of my heart that things are better for you.” What the hell does that even mean?!?

I will never truly understand how he went from saying he had me “securely in his mind, heart and soul” and wanting a life with me to days later he was going to stay and go to counseling.  He asked her for 7 years to go n she only agreed after he said he wanted a divorce. It just hurts n makes me feel sad. It will always feel like he chose her over me. I know it’s not that simple. He adores his kids and he has anxiety disorder n MS. He’s fine and you would never know he has it but it’s still there and effects his daily life.  His kids are 17 n 13. They know nothing of a real loving relationship because they don’t see one. She sleeps on the couch most nights and he takes care of the kids.  And that’s fine.  She also knew about me almost from the very beginning. A few months ago she even asked why he couldn’t just keep using porn like he’s always done all these years (instead of sex)!!

It just wasn’t the normal “affair” relationship at all.  I even spoke to his Mom after we broke up because she asked to speak to me. Said she wanted to talk to the woman her son was so in love with.  But that’s a story for another time LOL.

We actually fought more than we did with our spouses lol.  I didn’t let him get away with stuff and he didn’t let me.  We also had totally different communication styles (mine is extensive while his was non-existent lol) and it took us a while to meet somewhere in the middle.  We supported one another and I would like to think that we fulfilled one another, at least until the end.

Do I sometimes wish things had been different, that he had been braver and had more faith in himself and us?  Of course I do.  He was very special to me for almost 2 years.  We made one another happier than I ever knew was even possible, but it was definitely NOT that oh this affair is all fantasy and not real life kind of happy lol.  I got him to go back into pain management for his back pain.  I helped him refinance his mortgage.  

So and so and her brother-in-law used to compliment him on how sickly toned and taut his legs are. I realized that his legs weren’t just really strong and cut, it is a common symptom of the MS and NOT a good thing!!! Spasticity is a state of increased tone of a muscle (and an increase in the deep tendon reflexes). For example, with spasticity of the legs (spastic paraplegia) there is an increase in tone of the leg muscles so they feel tight and rigid, like they are about to snap.  It can be be very painful if not treated.  He went on baclofen and it helps him a lot. All she cared about was that they looked good!! Wtf?!?

People say oh an Affair is just fantasy, there’s no real life distractions, issues, or problems.   Yes maybe for most but that was most definitely NOT our experience!  If it was supposed to be like a fantasy, with just sex and room service, then I really want a refund. LOL

I am happy to not have to deal with all the dysfunctional bullshit in his life and being treated like an emotional yo-yo. In the end, he was a cake eater.  He wanted to keep me as his love and her as his marriage/parenting partner.  And in the end he has lost us both.  She might be there in body, but that’s all.  In 20 years she’s never truly loved him, why start now?

I will not email him back because there’s nothing more to say. In many ways, the man I loved and adored is gone and there is a stranger in his place. Not the man who called me his soulmate and the love of his life.  I don’t know this person and because of his choices, I have no reason to.

Our story is over and our time is up. I just wish my heart would get the message and finally let go. His gave up a long time ago.

Into The Fire

walking into fire

 

Today is P’s birthday.  The addict in me wants to unblock him and make contact.  My brain actually tries to come up with valid reasons and excuses! Thankfully, I know it is full of crap lol.  And really, to what end?  It would just do more harm to both of us, especially me.  So instead of doing something I would absolutely regret, I am blogging about it.

I almost cannot believe it has been 6 months since we have seen one another.  I saw him almost every single week, sometimes twice.  He took me to Radio City Music Hall for a concert for my birthday last year and we went away for 3 days together for his last spring.   We met 2 years ago this week. And while I still miss him so much it hurts sometimes, I do not miss the chaos and dysfunction that permeates his life. I do not miss the addictive way I craved his love.

I really thought he was someone who treasured my heart. Someone who would never abuse my trust and who cherished me. Ultimately, he couldn’t overcome all his fears and anxiety.   The simple fact is that he could and did hurt me and himself.  Nothing can change that and while I have forgiven him, I cannot forget the broken promises and how easily he was controlled and bullied into submission.  Definitely not attractive in a person.

Now I don’t know what would’ve happened.  Maybe I would’ve been miserable dealing with all his problems and issues.  I guess we will never know.  It wasn’t my choice but I have had to come to terms and accept it.  We were always able to tackle any problem together, so I had faith.  He taught me how much joy and fun life has to offer and he says I taught him how to love.  That he never knew how much peace and happiness you could feel just sitting on a bench holding hands and watching the planes fly by.  My heart is almost healed and I am taking it day by day.

I think the one element that has been bothering me is this.  If he had any kind of loving, caring wife who genuinely cared about him and wanted to fix their marriage, I would be hurt but I would understand that decision.  But that is NOT what he has nor what he will ever have.  So so is not a very good person but she is a master at faking it as she has been doing it all her life.  She is a frigid, fake narcissist who uses fear, threats, lies and intimidation to manipulate, bully and control.  She lacks any real empathy and this will not change.  This codependent, dysfunctional relationship obviously works for them and they are welcome to it.  Not good enough to be happy but not terrible enough to leave.  A kind of permanent purgatory.

For me, life is too short not to be happy.

I know now he is back to a sex life consisting solely of porn on his Kindle and his hand.  I saw this cartoon and I could not help but think of him 😉

cartoon marriage funny

Can’t Explain It

Did you ever have one of those weeks where nothing really bad happened but you just felt sad, exhausted and just yucky?  I haven’t been sleeping a lot which is probably the main reason. 

I just feel kind of defeated and wondering why? I really hope it’s temporary but I definitely need a vacation just to relax and recharge.

This little community of bloggers have made me feel safe, understood and given me a lot of inspiration.  But like anywhere else, there’s always people that feed off drama and conflict.

I should be grateful actually. As a result, I now know better who matters and who doesn’t. But it always hurts to realize you only matter to someone if you agree with their choices. I honestly hope people that care about me would stop me before I dive off a cliff. I identified with this woman very much and seeing her take 10 steps back scares me. Will that happen to me? Will I just allow someone to hurt n betray me over n over again and keep going back for more? I really truly hope not. But how do I know? I never thought she would but she has.

If your love or even your communication has to be hidden from others, it’s probably NOT a true and lasting love. And the person you will end up hurting most is yourself.  Yes you can’t choose who you fall in love with. But you can choose to either stand up and declare your love, live in the open or pretend it’s true love in secret and watch it wither and die. 

Life is too short for all these secret affairs that do nothing but waste years of your life. Please take it from someone who was in one and never ever expected to be.

Someone I thought was a friend turned out not to be because I told her what everyone else is thinking. Her ex-AP now has a blog (no biggie freedom of speech right?) But now this twit is everywhere I go and making the most hypocritical comments imaginable!! He actually had the audacity to lecture another blogger about how not sharing all the info is lying. This from a man who is currently talking to his ex-mistress and his poor wife has absolutely no idea!

So if she hadn’t crawled back n begged him to talk to her, then told him about her blog, the rest of us wouldn’t have to be affected by her dirty laundry. I guess that also upset me more than I realized.

Between that n my sicko stalker still harassing me, I just haven’t been my happy go lucky, smartass self lol.

But getting it all out always makes me feel so much better. I’m feeling better and stronger already.

Thank you to my fellow bloggers who always show love and support. Please feel free to kick my ass if I go cliffdiving k? 🙂

The Door Swings Both Ways

I opened the door to P a few weeks ago via FB messenger and at first it was a good thing I THOUGHT. I got closure and it helped to know he had also suffered. But since then it has been very difficult to keep the door closed. I take responsibility for allowing myself to get sucked back in. Not even as an affair because there has been nothing like that. Last week we left off with him saying he will call me when he is separated. But that’s crap. He has stayed in an unhealthy abusive relationship with a frigid, phony narcissist for way too long. As a result, both of his kids have issues.

His daughter’s therapist said this is the first time she has not only NOT met a child’s Mother but that Mom hasn’t even called to see how her daughter is doing! She said it’s great P cares but her Mom needs to be a lot more involved in her daughter’s life and therapy. Where does this vapid narcissist choose to spend her time? No, not with her kids. At the gym 7 days a week for the last 4 months.

I realized if he really was a good father, he would see the destruction her complete lack of empathy has caused both his kids, especially his daughter and he would have done something. She is a 13 year-old nasty, rude, manipulating, compulsive liar and a bully that no one wants to be around. If it was a hormonal phase, fine I get it but this has been going on n getting much worse for almost 4 years (I met P 2 years ago). By doing nothing to change the situation, he enables it and makes it okay. So she keeps getting worse. Because she learned years ago, negative attention from her Mom is better than no attention. He has had to ask his Mom and sisters to spend time with her! But whenever there’s a photo op, there so so is with a big, fake smile. It hurts my heart and I just have to forget about it because there is nothing I can do.

As much as we loved one another, do I really want a man capable of such deep denial? No I don’t. If he could ignore what school officials have been telling him for years, that his daughter needs a tremendous amount of help, there’s little hope. She is only in counseling as a condition of her probation to getting into a catholic high school next year.

So after thinking all this through, yesterday I told him no he couldn’t call me. I said good luck but NOT to contact me if or when he ever gets the balls to stop being a doormat and leaves. Then I blocked him via phone, FB and all social media sites.

Yes I am a love addict and I need to have absolutely no contact with him at all. I wish him well but now it’s done.

I am going to a picnic and spending the rest of the weekend with my husband and family. I’m going where the love is and I am happy.

Kicking the Habit- Dealing with Affair Withdrawal

I found this article online

After ending an affair, one can expect to have intense withdrawal symptoms for about three weeks, and you may continue to feel some symptoms for up to six months, but they should gradually diminish in intensity and frequency over this time period.

During this time, you are in a vulnerable position. Like an addict, you might be tempted to use your favorite drug again. You might be tempted to contact your affair partner again to help calm the force of your withdrawal symptoms.

Doing so is a little bit like a heroin addict in recovery who says they are “just going to do a little hit to make the pain go away.” This is clearly a terrible idea. If you do this, it is likely you will be tempted to start using again, end up back in the affair, and undo all the difficult work you have done up to this point.

Do not attempt to contact your affair partner as this will destroy your relationship. Instead, reinvest in repairing your relationship.  This is liable to be difficult as well, particularly if you have just informed your partner about the affair.

If you are talking to your spouse at all, it is likely that your communication is negative and difficult. It is unlikely that you will be getting a great deal of positive feedback from him/her at this point and this is bound to make you feel emotionally disconnected. This could worsen your withdrawal symptoms.

Remember that you are going through this painful time for a reason: you want to heal your relationship. You can look at this difficult period as a necessary step to straightening out the mess you have made of your relationship. Like an addict, there may be a period of time in which you suffer.

Going through that is the first step to putting your life and relationship back on the right course. Keep in mind that when you maintain the course of recovery through this rough period of getting over an affair, the reward can be a relationship that is better than you ever dreamed.

I can honestly say now that my marriage is getting better with each passing day.  Today for the first time in a very long time, I actually felt that high talking to M, my husband!!  It was after I had the intense craving to contact P.  Hearing how happy M was to talk to me and how much he was looking forward to spending the weekend together gave me that feeling I have been missing for so long.  

There have been so many days where I thought we couldn’t possibly make it and I didn’t want to.  I know that there will be more and that’s okay.  As long as there are good days too, we can get through anything.  

Go where the love is.

Does It Really Matter?

A friend of mine was upset because she thinks her ex doesn’t care about her anymore. She also thinks she’s stupid for missing him.  I tried to explain to her that feelings are neither right nor wrong, they just are.  Trying to stop feeling something is like trying to stop the rain, virtually impossible. But it started me thinking and here’s my question to all those getting over a broken heart.

Does it really matter what he or she thinks of you now? I know in the beginning, when the heartache is fresh, it absolutely does.  But as you start to heal your heart and get stronger, who cares what the idiot that wasn’t smart enough to hold onto you thinks?

P doesn’t believe I’m better and happy. WTF?!? He actually thinks because we were so much in love that I’m just saying that! Which tells me two things:

  1. He never knew me as well as I thought he did because I really don’t lie about how I feel, good or bad. In fact the other day, a few things he said made me sad and I cried. But that was for just a few minutes.  Like my Mom, I feel things deeper than most.  This can be a blessing and a curse 🙂
  2. He wants to believe I am still pining for him because then we are in the same boat. In his very warped mind, there is still hope for us if he ever leaves. I did everything possible to explain to him that while the love we shared was something rare and special and I was absolutely ready to share a life with him, it no longer exists. And guess what?  I just don’t care if he doesn’t get it.

I’m sorry that doesn’t jive with where he is, but who the fuck cares? Where was he in December, January and February when I was on the edge of the fucking cliff? That’s right, he was kissing her frigid ass and being stalked by his really crazy Mom.

So let him KEEP kissing her ass and stay the fuck away from mine!

I’m good and strong and hopeful. Not every single day but most lately.

And for someone with Depression, that is all you can ask for. I am really happy about that.

Ok, I wrote this a few days ago and unfortunately I have taken a few steps backwards. But I am back to no contact and am going to beat my addiction by taking it one day at a time.  Thank you for not throwing tomatoes, eggs or anything.  Is is greatly appreciated 🙂

If You Care aka Ten Steps Forward and One Step Back

If You Care About Someone, Remember It Every Day

This is so serious. If you care about someone, really care about them, remember it every day. Remember it on bad days especially. Remember it in fights. Remember it when you’re happy. Appreciate it. Love it. Be it. Live it. Feel it. Because you have no idea when it will be gone. There are only so many chances. And if you do forget and you do something stupid. You’d better fight for it. Fight as hard as you can. As hard as you can doesn’t mean until it is a detriment to you, but until you’re sure it won’t be. True love will always be true love and if you lose it, you’re going to regret it. 

~Brigitte Nicole

Okay, so I cried a little last night. I think I was mourning the loss of a dream that will never ever be.  Although my head has known this for months and I think I have fully accepted this reality, I now realize my heart still held a glimmer of hope.  It really was the most beautiful dream.  A dream full of love, joy, happiness, understanding, acceptance and obviously lots of yummy sex lol.  But it was not meant to be, not with P.

Love is everything. But love is also about the choices we make. I fought for us and he thinks he did too but he didn’t, that’s total crap. And that’s okay. I loved with my whole heart and soul, maybe for the first time ever. I think that’s why I’m getting better and he’s getting worse. I have no regrets for following my heart.   The only thing I regret is the hurt it caused my husband.

After speaking to P, I have forgiven him. I just do not have the luxury of forgetting all the pain and heartbreak I went through because of HIS choice to change his mind and remain alone and unloved.  I understand he thought he was doing what was best for his kids and I respect his decision. But he said he is also enjoying knowing he did everything she asked and nothing has changed.  I told him he is a Martyr.  A man who sacrificed true love to keep his dysfunctional family together.  I couldn’t refrain from telling him he needs to get a big wooden cross and when he feels unloved and unappreciated, he can get up and nail himself to it!!

I most likely wouldn’t survive another go round with him and that’s the truth. I am generally not a self-destructive person. Then there is P and a good friend of mine. They do the same thing over and over again and honestly expect different results!! That is insanity, and I am not insane.

The best thing I can do for EVERYONE (especially myself), the ONLY option that won’t lead to more heartache is to NOT initiate any contact (via any means including but not limited to talking, texting, messaging, emailing, facebook, skywriting, carrier pigeon, pony express, and to ignore him if he initiates.

I think it’s good that he has been going to counseling every week (usually by himself, but hey not my business right?) What struck me was the fact that he has spent far more time changing his outside.  He has lost 35 lbs. as well as learned how to cook, do laundry and basically become a FANTASTIC 45 year old houseboy LOL.  I only wish he was working as diligently on his inside.  I mean his anxiety, non-existent self-esteem, his complete lack of independence and figuring out why he repeatedly chooses a frigid narcissist who has admitted she doesn’t do affection, doesn’t want sex and thinks of him as a friend.

I am ready to put all of this in the past and focus on my future.  I have to find a sex therapist for us to go to.  For someone with a pretty high sex drive, I seriously NEVER thought I would ever be saying that.  But I love my husband very much and I know he loves me.  He can drive me nuts and I know I am a huge pain in the ass sometimes.  We are not perfect, nor should we be. He has always chosen me, no matter what. He picks me up when I fall and he has the biggest heart and the best sense of humor.  We both owe it to one another to see if we can meet somewhere in the middle.  And we will do it without anyone waiting in the wings or in my heart.

It will be a different dream, but hopefully one just as wonderful.  Actually it will be better because it will be REAL 🙂

Why NC is necessary!

Wow I just found this in my drafts. I wrote this last month. I was so delusional to ever think talking to him would do anything but bring me down. I am so much happier without all the crazy bullshit!

I don’t even know where to begin. I was fine with the way P and I left things on Tuesday. I got answers and closure. Basically he said he is now experiencing the horrible sadness, loneliness and pain that I did when we broke up. Except while mine got better, his is getting worse.

Wednesday I honestly wish I had just ignored him. I hadn’t slept much the night before and was not expecting further contact.  I think he was embarrassed for crying the day before because he was weird.  He kept alternating between asking me if we could ever be together and trying to make me think I still wanted to be with him because I love him so much.  When I said I used to love him past tense, he said he’s not ready to leave and he has hope she can change and be affectionate.  It took me back to November and I actually started crying.

The most important part is that I have to find a way to tell my husband that I spoke to P.  Knowing that I was getting prepared to leave him back in November devastated him. His greatest fear is that I will go back to P and leave.  I see now how completely selfish and disrespectful it was to speak to him.

I will continue to go where the love is.

Oh Crap

So my day was going great. The sun was shining this morning and I love the people I work with. We are a family and we take care of one another. We also get on each other’s nerves sometimes but hey that’s what family does lol.

Then I got this really bad feeling that P was struggling. I have always known things that I have no way of knowing. It’s happened throughout my life and my family lovingly refers to me sometimes as the good witch. It’s only people I’m close to but it is a little bizarre, freaky and completely out of my control. And yes I’m still waiting for winning Powerball numbers lol.

So I sent P a message just asking if he was ok. He asked if he could call and after a little while I agreed. I know I’m an idiot and he did not deserve my compassion but I am who I am.

Basically, like me, he’s been trying to repair his broken marriage. He’s been going to counseling and sometimes she even goes with him. Unlike me, he’s miserable and struggling. He’s married to a frigid narcissist and last week she told him she’s not in love with him and thinks of him as a friend.

He said he regrets staying but he felt it was his only choice. He said he misses me everyday and his love for me hasn’t diminished. I told him that after all the pain he caused my love for him had.

He apologized for hurting me and for being a selfish ahole. He cried. I told him I never really understood how damaged he is and that I hope he keeps going to counseling. The psychologist thinks he needs to come twice a week.

The only positive news was that his daughter has started counseling. It is required if she wants to go to the only high school that would take her next year. I know that deep down underneath all that attitude, lying and manipulating, she is a terribly unhappy little girl that has put up so many walls to protect herself. For anyone thinking it has anything to do with me, her problems started 2 years before he even met me.

I told him about my blog and how much it has helped me to heal my heart. He asked if he could read it. I told him I would need to think about it.

Well I have thought about it and my answer is NO. Hell no! I wish him well and hope he finds peace and happiness someday. But my blog is mine. Even my H understands it is my outlet and has not asked to read it.

Which brings me to the most important part,  my husband. He is not perfect but he is a good, kind and loving man. I am truly lucky that he has stuck by my side through everything as I have stuck by his. He says I am his soulmate, not P and I am starting to believe that again.

Control, Fear and Mistakes

This post is raw, brutal and honest.

I can only control what I think and feel. I’m so sorry you were too scared to take a chance on us. Because we will never know just how special and wonderful it could’ve been.

Life is about choices and you were a complete coward. I wasn’t wrong for believing in you and us. I took a leap of faith and I will never regret that.  The only regrets in life are the chances we didn’t take.

That’s what I have been struggling with. Thinking I made a mistake. But I didn’t. The mistake was YOURS for not believing in yourself and in us. Your family would’ve gotten over it or they wouldn’t.

You just were too damaged to choose the life you were meant to have INSTEAD of the life THEY chose for you.

You haven’t forgotten me. If anything, you can’t forget me and its only gotten harder to stay away. I was the light in your life.

The one purely good loving relationship you have ever had or ever will have. The only person who loved you unconditionally (like your mother should’ve but doesn’t). Who loved you with all your flaws, weaknesses and huge laundry list of issues both physical and mental.

But because your Mother never made you feel good enough, you chose a frigid, emotionally and physically withholding, narcissistic wife for whom you will NEVER be good enough.

And the truly sick part is you had a chance to escape the hell you live in!!! But no, you chose to stay and continue to beg and scrape for a few crumbs of affection.

It’s truly horrific and pathetic. You had a chance to be happy and to be better. But nope not for you. U enjoy making everything harder and more difficult.

It’s totally exhausting and completely unnecessary. It’s why people shun you and don’t want to be around you. But unlike everyone else, I listened to you. I supported and comforted you more times than I can count.  You were there for me too and I will cherish all our many adventures.

I am your soulmate and you are mine. You showed me that. But sometimes soulmates are not meant to spend their lives together.  I understand that now.  Maybe you will do better in your next life. Because in this one I just could never trust or believe in us the way I need to. The way I used to.

For us there will be no fairytale ending. You showed me the kind of man you truly are. A weak man easily controlled and dominated by others who would rather live alone, full of sadness and regret, than risk losing people that care nothing about his happiness.

I stood up to your Mother for you in a way NO ONE EVER HAS. Even after all you had done and the pain you caused, I had enough courage and loyalty to defend you like no one ever had before or ever will again.

So you don’t get another chance for my love.

I may not have closure but at least I have no regrets. You get to live every single day wondering if things could have been different, been better.  I think a life filled with love, support and acceptance is always worth fighting for.

You had 3 affairs over 7 years.  Just because I’m the only one you fell in love with doesn’t negate the others. Whatever made you think you had a marriage worth saving?? For your kids?!? They are both completely fucked up because they see a horribly screwed up relationship AND THINK THAT’S WHAT MARRIAGE IS!?! 2 people who don’t like one another and show little to no affection or love!!!! Yeah great job Dad!

The saddest part of all is that you sacrificed your life for NOTHING! Just to fuck up your kids worse than if you had left the marriage, been happy and still been there for them everyday.  I never once in all the time we were together failed to put them first.  They are the most important people in your life and I’m sorry she threatened to turn them against you.

Your son is a kind person.  But he’s also 17 going on 10.  You keep him as stifled and bound as your parents kept you. And your daughter has all the characteristics of a sociopath. Teachers and even her principal have told you she needs psychological help and you refuse to listen.  Because then people would know and the frigid one cares more about what people think than getting her daughter the help she so desperately needs. You must be so proud.

I’m so tired of caring and worrying about someone that just doesn’t matter. I mean if the people who have known you all your life think you’re a chooch, they must know something I don’t right?

I have never in all my 40 years ever heard of a mother who chooses someone over their own son! That’s disgusting so either she’s completely fucked up or you are. I think it’s both.

I can only imagine the years of disappointment and complete dysfunction you saved me from. I wouldn’t wish that pack of jackals on my worst enemy.

But I would’ve been kind to them anyway because I loved you. I only wanted us to be happy together. I guess because you don’t love yourself enough, you never really believed I loved you.  They said I would leave you to scare you but you believed it.  Control through fear, bullying, intimidation and lies IS NOT LOVE.

This journal is my closure. I’m sorry you’re so weak and sick. I hope you get better and it’s getting easier and easier to forget you and the love we once shared.

Soon the only memory of it (for me, not you) will be on these pages.

You chose a person who you can barely stand. A woman completely opposite of me. Not loving, sweet, giving or kind. You truly are batshit crazy and I don’t miss all the bullshit you live with and create.  We used to laugh and marvel at the fact that your crazy fit my crazy lol.

Mine is a life of love, light, kindness, authenticity and laughter. While yours is all lies, smoke, mirrors, acting and pretend.

Your marriage will end or you will cheat again. It’s who you are and what you do. You go as long as you can without even basic human affection (as well as sex).  Then you crack and bam another affair.

Most people learn from their mistakes. But you are either too stubborn or stupid. You do the same things over and over and over again, always expecting different results. That’s insanity but that’s you. Always has been and I guess it always will be.

Affairs aren’t the answer and 1 was enough to show me that.  Anything that has to be done in secret isn’t worth doing.