Surgery

My Dad had surgery on his badly broken foot last night.  The surgery went well and took almost 5 hours.  They put a few pins in and 2 plates. He didn’t get out of recovery until midnight, so I ended up not going to the hospital last night.  I get up at 6 am for work and I have just been exhausted lately.  My brother and sister-in-law were up there with my Dad’s girlfriend. He will have months of recovery and can’t put any weight on the left foot for 2 months.

So can someone please tell me why I feel so friggin guilty? Probably because I’m the girl and I’ve just always been the one who does ALL the caretaking. I guess I’m just having a rough week and I’m extra sensitive.  Doesn’t help that he was in the same hospital that my Mother-in-law was in having her hip surgery a month before she died 5 months ago. I don’t need a psychology degree to realize I’m avoiding certain feelings regarding grief and the eventuality of losing him some day.

He’s always been my rock and I need him more than I’d like to admit. We have been there for one another through everything.  That first year after my Mom died and he didn’t leave the house some days? He always called only me just to say he was still alive and so I didn’t worry.

Growing up when someone asked are you a Mommy’s girl or a Daddy’s girl? I never hesitated to say “BOTH!” LOL. I have always been close to both my parents and kept very few secrets from either of them.  I’ll never forget when I was about 5 and he took me to lunch so my Mom could clean the house on a Saturday. My brothers had gone to the movies with their friends. My Mom figured we’d go to McDonalds or something similar. But technically she didn’t specify lol. We went to this fancy and expensive restaurant with cloth napkins which is known for great steaks and lobster. Boy was she pissed when we got home and she had just finished eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich! Not that he had taken me there, but that we hadn’t brought her home any lobster 🙂

Well he was discharged a little while ago and I am going to the drugstore after work to pick up his prescriptions and then meeting them at his house.  I’m sure he is going to have some smart ass remark/joke about me not going to hospital last night lol. And that’s okay. I know he just feels more secure when I’m around as I do when he’s around. We’ve been through a lot together, more than most. My cancer, my Mom’s, the time I got roofied the night before Thanksgiving and stopped breathing on the way to the hospital with only he and I in the car and ended up on a respirator for 3 days. Oh and then the time when I was underage and got literally thrown out of a bar face first (not because I was underage because we all were but because I had given the bouncer a fake number a few weeks earlier). He thought he could do whatever he wanted because we were all underage and I guess they figured we’d never tell our parents. But like I said, I didn’t keep secrets from my parents. My Dad and brother made me take them right back while my friends waited at our house and point him out. The music stopped, the lights went on, and the bouncer tried to hide lol. He was a pretty big guy, over 6 feet, and my Dad just grabbed him by the neck, lifted him off the ground and made him apologize to me. My brother knew the bar owner and the rest of the bouncers/bartenders, so everyone hung back and just let him get what he deserved.

We’re family, always there for one another through thick and thin.  Yes, we drive one another nuts but we’re still there when it matters, no questions asked. And I think that’s what family means. More than simply a blood relation, it’s shared history and shared experiences. Family, friends, love, and laughter mean the most in life.  If you’re rich in those things, I think you’re pretty damn lucky.

 

 

 

 

My Grandma

My Grandma was always such a character, even from my earliest memories.  She never really did things that other Grandmothers did.  Instead of baking cookies, she made fried bologna sandwiches.  She was married 3 times, the second time being to my Grandfather. Then 40 years later, she had a brief marriage to his identical twin brother, my Great Uncle!!  Can you say ewww, creepy????

She was obsessed with visiting cemeteries where her loved ones were buried.  At age 5, Grandma and I went on an adventure alone to the cemetery.  Before we went, she stopped at Roy Rogers and got me a hamburger and fries so I was a happy camper.  By the time we got to the cemetery, it was late afternoon.  I had no idea what time cemeteries closed at that age and Grandma certainly wasn’t deterred by the late hour.

She took me all over to 3 different gravestones and told me stories about my ancestors.  It was actually pretty interesting and before we knew it, it was dark out.  Well I know now that most cemeteries close pretty early, and it was definitely past closing time.  So we were locked in and our car was outside the gates.

Grandma looked around and then found an exit with a cement wall rather than those black ominous looking spikes that were everywhere else.  I remember getting scared and that I started to cry.  She said don’t cry Emma you can jump it.  C’mon, I will help you!  And that’s exactly what she did lol. She helped me get over the fence and then she did the same.  I was so proud of my accomplishment and excited by our adventure that I failed to notice my Mom’s abject horror at the thought of her little girl scaling over a cemetery wall.  After a few other misadventures with Grandma, I noticed we pretty much stopped going places with her alone for a number of years lol.

She moved down to Florida after my Holy Communion in the 80’s and she never set foot back in New York again until she got Alzheimer’s at age 83 and we brought her up to live with us for the last 2 years of her life. Grandma might have had a stroke and couldn’t remember where she was but she NEVER lost her spirit. One night following dinner, shortly after she arrived, she said, “This is great! I have everything I need. Except I need a man.”  My Mom had gone up to change her clothes, so it was just my Dad and I at the table with her. My Dad spit out his coffee he was laughing so hard and I just said, “Grandma, you were married 3 times! I think you’ve had enough men lol”. She said, “I was? Wow, that’s a lot huh?”

Then there was the Sunday morning I woke up to my Mom’s shrieks and ran downstairs like a bat out of hell without even thinking. Sitting in the middle of the foyer on the floor was my Grandma, completely covered head to toe in her own poop.  It was already so caked on she looked like a brown clay person. Little known fact. Poop doesn’t really smell when it’s dried like clay lol. To make matters worse, she had left a trail from one end of the very large downstairs of the house to the other! Did I mention we had white carpet in the formal dining room n living room? My Mom called my Dad who was working and he calmed her down a little.  I got my Mom a cup of coffee and asked her did she want to take the house or Grandma? One of us would have to clean the house and the other would have to clean Grandma. Since I wasn’t looking forward to either task, I thoughtfully let her choose. She said she would take the house, so upstairs I took Grandma to put her in the tub. It took over an hour and a half to get her totally clean and the whole time she just kept saying over and over, “I didn’t do it, I didn’t do it!” which I found pretty hysterical because come on! LOL So as I was toweling her off and putting a new set of clothes on her, she said “You’re a good girl, I want you to have the house.” I said this house (knowing my parents in fact owned it and always had)? She said yes. I said thanks and we all got a chuckle out of it when I told the rest of the family. Well about a week later I was stopping Grandma from throwing chicken bones out on the front lawn when she said, I don’t like you, get away from me! My Mom, the original smart ass (see I come by it honestly), turned to me and said, “Oh well, guess you’re not getting the house!” LOL!!!!

It was difficult taking care of her at the end, even with all of us pitching in. But I’m so glad that we did. In her lucid moments, I really got to know her more than I ever had before. And I treasure those memories, good and bad. When my Mom got sick, we had already worked as a team, my Dad, Mom and I, all those years ago. It made it much easier to work together again to help get her well and then at the end to keep her comfortable. I know many things happen for a reason and I’m glad my Mom couldn’t just put her Mom in a home. She showed me that even things that seem way too difficult can be good for us and that we should always take care of the people we love.

Appreciate Your Loved Ones Before It’s Too Late

This is exactly what I have been trying to incorporate into my daily life.  It takes some practice and some days it’s easier than others.  It’s just that life is so friggin short and I want all my family and friends to know how much they mean to me.  This includes my blogging friends who have shown me the most amazing love and support these last 9 months.  Thanks you so very much for making my life so much richer!  I love you  and have a wonderful weekend. Hugs xoxo!

Tomorrow is never promised. So today… I want all my friends and family to know how thankful I am that all of you are in my life.

Source: Appreciate Your Loved Ones Before It’s Too Late

Really Good Weekend!

Friday night I spent with my family celebrating my nephew’s 10th birthday. After the last few difficult weeks, it was really nice to just hang out with them, laugh, make fun of one another like we always do and just have a great time.  At one point, I was actually sitting in between my 2 brothers, which NEVER happens lol.  We don’t get to do it often enough lately with everyone busy with their own lives. So I really enjoyed myself and later realized how very much I needed to just BE with all of them.  They make me laugh, they bust my chops, they always manage to surprise me and rejuvenate my spirit. Like my one brother, who told me that my Mom has been speaking to him for a few years now!  My other brother and I just gawked at him open-mouthed, as he is a very black and white person and has NEVER ever said anything about this before lol.  I didn’t get to push him on the topic, as we were in a crowd of people, but you can be sure I will 🙂

Then Saturday I got my hair colored and blown out. It sucks getting older as you start getting gray streaks lol. I can’t really complain as I still look pretty young but that’s mostly genetics. I started to get a chest cold that afternoon but I ignored it as I had a friend’s 40th birthday bash to go to. My H wasn’t in the mood, which I totally understood. But he did drive me and pick me up so I could have a few cocktails, which I appreciated. Party was great and I had a lot of fun catching up with some friends. Mostly like a girl’s night as no one brought their hubbies lol.

Sunday I was in bed with my cold and slept a lot. Which actually was the best thing I could’ve done because it never went to bronchitis, which is usually what happens to me. So I just ate some ice cream and chicken soup for my throat and drank ginger ale. Very boring but definitely necessary.

Then today we went over to my MIL’s house to start getting ready for the huge estate/contents of house sale we are having in 2 weeks. Had a few antique dealers over to buy some things first. I did some research and between that and husband’s knowledge, we did pretty well. Everyone left happy and wanting more. I guess that’s a good thing. I know I was a lot more emotionally invested when it was my Mom’s stuff we were selling. But they have a lot of stuff and H has taken all the things that have meaning to him already. He handled it really well and I was proud of him. Then we had a fight over the new tv because we need to get an HDTV cable box and he didn’t listen to me when I told him. Just thought he could hook it up and then worry about it. but nope not going to work without an updated cable box hun lol. So we had to hook the old tv back up until we can get the new cable box this week. Oh well, at least it allowed us to pull the tv out and then I was able to clean the dust bunnies lurking back there.

Sometimes I forget to look at the bright side and be grateful for all the many blessings in my life.  I am truly fortunate and even though I’m still missing passion in my life, I know that either that changes in the very near future or difficult decisions will have to be made.  I refuse to live a life without great sex and passion any longer, no matter what.  Maybe it’s not important to some people but it is to me.  I have been patient for far longer than I should have.  But we have been through so much together and there is so much love between us.  If I could have the passion, joy and great sex with H that I had with P, I really don’t think I could ask for anything more.

Family, Grief and Strength

family isn't always blood

It’s been 2 1/2 weeks since my Mother-in-law died very suddenly and unexpectedly.  In a week she went from being completely healthy to dying of stage 4 ovarian cancer.  The only blessing is she never really knew she was sick.  By the time we knew it was cancer, she was already in hospice.

I’ve just been exhausted physically and emotionally. We’re all Catholic so the wake was Friday day n night. Then Sat morning was the funeral mass at church then the burial. Then we had a lunch at a restaurant. We rented the whole place so it was nice.

Neither of my husband’s brothers or sister are really spiritual (I have lovingly called them heathens for years n my Mother in law used to laugh lol) so I planned the funeral mass. It was beautiful and sweet. Just what she would’ve wanted. No hypocritical church bullshit lol. The priest looked like and sounded exactly like the actor from those old 7 up commercials. My H said his Mom would’ve really liked him.  I thought so too.

I was sitting there in the front on the aisle because I had to do a reading because my brother-in-law changed his mind which I understood.  It really hit me right them, standing near her covered casket and I started crying silently, the tears pouring down my face.  My H took my hand and squeezed while putting his arm around me.  Then of course I felt horrible that he had to comfort me because it was his Mom we lost. But just when I felt so weak and broken, I turned around and looked back at the church.  There a few rows back was my family!!   I knew they would all come to the wake. But I was so surprised and happy to see my Dad, his girlfriend, my brothers n sis in laws, even my cousin at the church. My Mom would’ve wanted that but I was so grateful and it gave me so much comfort and strength.  I know they are all very busy, except my Dad who’s retired, so the fact that they were all there for me?  It helped my heart tremendously and lifted my spirit more than words can ever say.  That’s why even if we drive each other nuts or piss each other off, it doesn’t matter.  When push comes to shove, we are always there for each other and that will never change.  I know how truly blessed and lucky I am to have them in my life.  I’m going to my brother’s house later for a birthday party for my nephew.  They will all be there and I will definitely tell them since I don’t tell them nearly enough how much they mean to me lol.

Life is so short! All that matters is love, family, friends, laughter, joy n yes passion n great sex lol. I know everything does happen for a reason and I am so grateful that I was here for my H when he needed me most. I will continue to be here for him.  But if January comes and there’s still not improvement in the sexless part of our marriage? I will not be living without love, sex and passion and that is non-negotiable.

Love is Stronger than Death

 

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I cannot believe I am writing this a week after she got sick. My Mother-in-law passed away last night. All 4 of her children had been there throughout the day n night. Her daughter, my sis-in-law, was with her. And my husband, who we lovingly joke is horrible with hospitals, had just left her bedside not 5 minutes before she took her last breath.

I am so proud of him. He is extremely uncomfortable and visibly shaken in hospitals but he stayed alone with her Friday and Saturday night in the hospital. And has been there all day into the night since.

He called me around 6:30pm. I had gone home after work, exhausted physically and emotionally. He said he was tired n might leave. I told him to stay with her, his brothers, sister and his uncle. I said please trust me, I have been here before. You need to be there. He said you’re right, I will stay a few more hours. He called me from outside the elevator because no cell reception in parking garage. It was 11:12 and he had just left her and his sister. The others had left about an hour before. She died at 11:16 pm. Like his sister said, she knew her son and waited until he had gone.  That was her, thoughtful and kind.

She is at peace and she has been reunited with her husband of 51 years.

Feeling the Love

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Thank you for all the kind words, support, love, prayers and encouragement. It means the world to me and helps my spirit more than I can ever express.

I’m glad my Mom-in-law and I have gotten so close over the past few years. She’s German and strong, so she can seem cold but she’s not. She’s loving and kind. I have definitely made her more affectionate with all my kisses, hugs and I love yous lol.

Until we get the pathology report back, we won’t know for sure but they think it’s lymphoma that is also in liver and chest. Her 4 kids are all hoping it’s stage 3 not stage 4, which anyone who has been through this before or has medical training knows is the difference between curable n terminal. I remember having the same hope. So while I am 99.9% certain it’s stage 4, I am not saying that to anyone except my family and friends.

For me, the biggest problem is the medical care she is receiving. She is in the hospital where my sis-in-law is a nurse. It is a decent heart hospital but personally I wouldn’t send anyone there, especially not my Mom. And they are not experts in cancer or pain. The nurses care but they are not equipped to handle severe cancer pain.

My Mom’s cancer went from her lungs to her liver, brain then bones. She had a huge brain tumor, pneumonia, pulmonary embolism, shingles and a bunch of other complications during the almost 2 years she was sick. In all that time, she was never made to suffer in the amount of pain my MIL suffered last night. I never allowed it to happen. I was there day and night because that’s how she was and how she raised me.

Finally at 2 am, after twice having to witness her screaming in pain and waiting almost an hour for pain meds, I stood over the nurse while she got the dr on the phone. I apologized, grabbed the phone and got him to agree to switch from oxycodone pill every 6 hours as needed to morphine via iv every 4 hours. I made him promise they would not wait til the pain got so bad that she was screaming. He apologized and said of course, he would take care of it. I was just happy I didn’t need to threaten hospital staff and get thrown out.

Today, she was sleeping and not in pain. My husband is staying tonight and hopefully Monday they will have answers for us when pathology report comes back. I would have moved her to a better facility today if she were my Mom.

But it’s not my call and after last night, I am relaxing tonight. She has 4 children and they all have to step up and be there for her. It sucks that they have no time to adapt but our lives are not important right now. She matters most right now.

Thank you again for all the love and well wishes. Hugs to all.

Smoke em if you got em

My mother-in-law and father-in-law worked out 5 days a week, eat right, don’t smoke and rarely drink. They did everything we are told by doctors, the news and society that we should do to live a long, healthy and happy life.  My father-in-law died 2 years ago at age 79, just 26 days after being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.  He was the same weight that he had been since high school and in better physical condition than even my husband.

Since then my mother-in-law has obviously struggled, as she had just retired less than a year before.  They had 3 trips already booked when he was diagnosed.  But she is a strong, independent woman and she would not just give up and wither away.  She took a month off and then started working out again 5 days a week.  She joined a bereavement support group and got elected to her local library board.  I can only imagine how hard it has been since she lost her husband of 52 years.

In late July she walked around on a broken hip for 2 weeks before going to the orthopedist because she thought it was a pulled groin muscle from working out too hard.  My father-in-law used to say she didn’t work out hard enough, but he was a hard ass lol. She had hip replacement surgery a month ago and was healing beautifully. She exceeded all expectations and was looking forward to getting back to her life. Until last Thursday when she began to feel weak and exhausted. By Saturday she could barely get out of bed and she had aged 10 years seemingly overnight.  My husband and I were there all day Saturday and Sunday.  I made her soup as she had no appetite and didn’t even have the energy to leave her bed.  Sunday morning my sister-in-law came over, thought my MIL was in a depression and said she was taking her to the hospital.  My MIL refused and said she needed rest. Well even the difference between 9pm Saturday night and noon on Sunday was dramatic.  Her speech was slurred and her motor functions were affected as well.  I thought she might have had a stroke.  So I talked to her throughout the day and got her to agree to go to the hospital the next morning.  I said “T you are slurring your words like a drunk!  You are not depressed, there is something medically wrong and we need to figure it out so you can get well.”

When she went to the hospital Monday morning she had only half the blood volume we normally do and her liver enzymes were high.  They gave her a bag of blood and there was no increase in her volume.  After a colonoscopy and an endoscopy came back clean, we were extremely worried. Today they did a liver biopsy, an MRI of the liver and a Pet scan.  While we won’t know definitively until we get back the pathology report, there are masses in the liver.  They don’t think it originated there, so almost certainly it’s stage iv.  I am leaving work and spending the night with her in the hospital.  No one else was available tonight and like I said before, I’m a pro.  I can count on both hands the amount of people I would sleep in a hospital recliner chair for and my MIL is one of them.

So I am not in a very hopeful and joyous mood right now.  I am bitter and so angry at so many things I feel like my head is going to explode.  I have 30 minutes to get myself together, quit blubbering and paste on a smile.  She’s a very intelligent woman and she doesn’t know anything yet.  Please say prayers and thank you.

Can It Really Be Over?

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Of course, I am talking about SUMMER! Heehee

This summer has definitely gone much faster for me than the last few summers. I actually had a really good summer.  We didn’t do as much as we usually do (like Mets/Yankees games and concerts) but I still had a great time.  Went to the beach club a bunch of times and spent a lot of time with friends and family.  That always makes me the happiest.

Last week I took my nieces and nephew to Chuck e Cheese. They had such a ball, especially my 3 year-old niece who spent almost all her coins on the merry-go round. She just kept saying giddyup and again, again! She must’ve gone on at least 30 times lol. There was 3 horses so the other kids kept getting free rides. My H had me laughing saying she was like a little baller in a strip club raining down dollar bills.

I think that’s what is most important in life. Letting the people that matter most to you know how special they are.  Why wait?  Life is usually a lot shorter than we ever expect it to be.

How Many Chances?

 

never let u go

I know some people would rather I never mention a certain person EVER AGAIN lol. If that is the case, skip this post and come back tomorrow lol. Please let me be 100% clear.  This was how I felt IN THE PAST.  It is NOT how I feel anymore. I just wasn’t ready to let him go for so long.  I had so much love for him and hope that he would find his way back to me.  

Don’t you just love an eternal optimist? Well that’s definitely me!  I was so hurt, betrayed and angry but underneath it all was hope.  False hope is such a bitch!  Even more than Karma lol! It keeps you loving and missing someone long after they should be but a memory.  I was never as strong as everyone thinks I am.  I missed him so much, some days I didn’t know how I would make it through.

But somewhere along the way, I went from loving him to needing him.  It became unhealthy, like an addiction.  I kept needing more and more to satisfy me. I know now that it was my subconscious way of knowing that I was skating on thin ice and was about to fall through to the murky, icy waters below.  He wasn’t ready to build a life with me, even though he told me he was.  I guess deep down inside somewhere, I knew that.  That’s why I was so insecure.  When someone leaves you, it makes you feel insecure!

I realize now that it was extremely foolish and naive to think a relationship could’ve possibly worked out, especially back in November when his family threatened to disown him if he left so n so for me. We all need love and support from our family and friends. That’s what life is all about. Family, friends, love, laughter, relationships, and joy. His kids are the most important thing in his life, as they should be, and it’s stressful enough knowing your parents live separate lives.  To throw me in the mix would’ve hurt them and I never wanted that.  Kids don’t ask to be born and they deserve every chance for a happy, secure life.

An affair is, despite how you may feel while you are in it, an extra relationship. While mine wasn’t a secret from my hubby, I wasn’t open with him about it. Sometimes, it was like he was in a prison and I was stuck in there with him.  The insane part is that I was there through my own choice! At the time, I just wasn’t ready to face up to the big problem in my marriage, a lack of physical intimacy.

 All I know is he was able to put my love in a fuckin box!!!!  Wow, really dude?!?!  Well, if you are able to just stick my love in a box, then it couldn’t have meant that much to you in the first place.  Why are guys so much better than women at compartmentalizing?  It’s such a nifty ability when you want to lie to yourself and keep things separate in your head.  Just probably not the healthiest way to go through life. I think it’s a blessing in disguise I found out how damaged and addicted he was before I made any major changes in my life.

Why did I give him a few chances?!?!?!  When someone shows you who they really are, BELIEVE THEM!!!  But that’s the thing. Despite the fact that he hurt me, can I truly fault him for trying to save his marriage and family? Even though so n so’s a narcissist, they have still been married 19 years. Just another lesson. Affairs suck n cause everyone a lot of pain, even the cheater. That is one of the many lessons I have learned over the last 2 years.  I guess that was what this was all about. Teaching me lessons that I needed to learn.  And I absolutely have, whether I wanted to or not.

So how many chances do we give those we love before it’s enough??  How many chances before we must let go and wish them well?  And how many before it goes from loving someone to being a doormat?

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My Dad

I know I write a lot about my Mom but I hope I also share how wonderful my Dad is. He’s 6’4, a big but gentle man and has always been laid back and pretty hysterical.  He likes to tell stories and jokes. One of the best gifts he gave me has been my ability to always find the humor in ANY situation. He’s very sweet, loving, kind and he has always been 100% supportive of those he loves. 

He grew up in Brooklyn with his older brother and sister. His Dad, a longshoreman, was killed when he was 9 months old. Fortunately, his Mom was a smart and strong woman, ahead of her time. She died when he was 16.

People tell me he changed a lot when he met my Mom. He let down his walls and totally let her in to his heart. She had that ability to tear down walls because like me, she didn’t see them lol. But it took courage to risk losing someone he loved with all his heart. I’m glad he is a brave man.

He coached my softball team from when I was 5-10. Anyone will tell you coaching young girls is not an easy task lol. In the beginning he actually bribed us with bubble gum. He was always kind, patient and he made us all laugh.

He’s a big, tough guy from Brooklyn who I never saw cry til I was in my 30s (a story for another time). So when I got sick and we found out it was severe clinical depression, he was definitely not naturally equipped to know how to act or what to say. But he read what my Mom showed him and learned almost immediately how to help and support me. He also made me laugh when I no longer thought it possible 🙂

When my Mom was sick and we were taking care of her, it sometimes got very stressful and we would get angry. But we couldn’t tell her, so once in a while we’d get mad at each other for the stupidest things lol. Probably not the best way, but we always laughed and apologized soon after.

One time he said something that hurt me very much in my very sensitive state and I mumbled under my breath, “I wish it was you”. Now my Dad wears hearing aids, is almost completely deaf and he wasn’t wearing them. But he heard and I hung my head in shame. He put his finger under my chin and made me look at him. He said “So do I sweetheart, so do I. So don’t ever feel bad for feeling that way. She’s your Mom, your best friend and your soul. I will try to be your best friend too.”

We will always be very close and bonded by what we went through. Only the 2 of us were there when she passed. He adored and loved her for 42 years. He could’ve easily given up when she died. I know he wanted to. But he didn’t for my brothers and I. And for their grandkids who mean everything. It wasn’t easy and it took a few years, but he is happy and doing well.

He met a widow from down South and they spend half their time here and half there. She’s a great lady who never ever tries to be anything other than who she is. Just like my parents, she had a wonderful love with her husband and nothing can replace that. But life must go on. They have fun together and laugh a lot.

My Dad has taught me to be strong and resilient. He also taught me laughter is more powerful than any drug and joy is a recipe for happiness.

My H and I are taking them out to dinner soon and I will take the time to thank him for always being there and for helping to make me the good person I am.

Happy Father’s Day!!!!

Communions & Memories

Saturday was my niece’s Holy Communion.

She is such a wonderful little girl and I am so happy to be part of her life.  I figure I only have a few more years before she no longer jumps up and down in excitement almost every week when I see her. Let me tell you just how kind, sensitive and loving she is.  When she was 5 and she learned about how the economy wasn’t all that great, she left out $1 for the TOOTH FAIRY!!  LOL  She asked her Mom to help her attach a note saying that she was worried that he might not have enough money to give to all the children who had lost a tooth and she felt he could use the money more than she could.

One of the last photos I have of my Mom is her with my 2 year old niece.  Her smile is so bright, it could light up the sky.  She was happier than I had ever seen her whenever she was around her and my nephew.  All she ever wanted to be was a wife, a mom and then a grandmother.  Just the simple pleasure of being able to see the kids whenever she wanted made her complete.  Sometimes I wonder if she had any idea she was or would become sick.  Because she packed a lifetime into just a few years with them.

I wish she was here to see my niece today, but I have no doubt she is looking down and smiling.  Family is so important and the older I get, the more I believe this.  It doesn’t just have to be the family you were born into.  It is also the one you create with the people that you love and care about.

Oh Crap

So my day was going great. The sun was shining this morning and I love the people I work with. We are a family and we take care of one another. We also get on each other’s nerves sometimes but hey that’s what family does lol.

Then I got this really bad feeling that P was struggling. I have always known things that I have no way of knowing. It’s happened throughout my life and my family lovingly refers to me sometimes as the good witch. It’s only people I’m close to but it is a little bizarre, freaky and completely out of my control. And yes I’m still waiting for winning Powerball numbers lol.

So I sent P a message just asking if he was ok. He asked if he could call and after a little while I agreed. I know I’m an idiot and he did not deserve my compassion but I am who I am.

Basically, like me, he’s been trying to repair his broken marriage. He’s been going to counseling and sometimes she even goes with him. Unlike me, he’s miserable and struggling. He’s married to a frigid narcissist and last week she told him she’s not in love with him and thinks of him as a friend.

He said he regrets staying but he felt it was his only choice. He said he misses me everyday and his love for me hasn’t diminished. I told him that after all the pain he caused my love for him had.

He apologized for hurting me and for being a selfish ahole. He cried. I told him I never really understood how damaged he is and that I hope he keeps going to counseling. The psychologist thinks he needs to come twice a week.

The only positive news was that his daughter has started counseling. It is required if she wants to go to the only high school that would take her next year. I know that deep down underneath all that attitude, lying and manipulating, she is a terribly unhappy little girl that has put up so many walls to protect herself. For anyone thinking it has anything to do with me, her problems started 2 years before he even met me.

I told him about my blog and how much it has helped me to heal my heart. He asked if he could read it. I told him I would need to think about it.

Well I have thought about it and my answer is NO. Hell no! I wish him well and hope he finds peace and happiness someday. But my blog is mine. Even my H understands it is my outlet and has not asked to read it.

Which brings me to the most important part,  my husband. He is not perfect but he is a good, kind and loving man. I am truly lucky that he has stuck by my side through everything as I have stuck by his. He says I am his soulmate, not P and I am starting to believe that again.

Out of the Fog

What made me love him so much? Why did I completely romanticize our relationship? Yes he was gorgeous, funny and sweet. But he was also self-absorbed, negative and extremely neurotic. And he took so much more than he gave.

Despite the fact that his father physically abused him for years and his Mother mentally abused him, he has never confronted either about the abuse and sees them daily. He said it’s quite common for 100% Italians who came from Italy and settled in the Bronx. My father-in-law is 100% Italian and was not ever abused or abusive so I call BULLSHIT. His father was a functioning alcoholic and his Mom was raised by an aunt

I come from an amazingly loving and supportive family who are very close. But any 45 year-old man whose mother repeatedly strolls into his house with a spare key (for emergencies yeah right lol) and right into his bedroom without even knocking? This guy has some serious Mommy issues!

It’s not a family, it’s a dysfunctional creepy cult led by a Mom who literally stalks him day after day until he gives in and does what she wants. But because they smile pretty for the camera and put on a happy face in public, the facade continues.

How is it that his mother, wife and daughter are all controlling psychotic bullies? I only wish I had known all this in the beginning. The sickest part was the way he constantly sought approval from this family that just weren’t kind, supportive or loving.

I thought he had to be making them seem worse than they really were. So a bunch of times he would put the phone on speaker, hold it or put it in his pocket so I could hear. He wasn’t embellishing! But they are all he has and all he knows.

The final straw? When he changed his cell number without even an email or text months after we broke up. I had told him not to contact me again and he agreed. She had been wanting him to change his number for months. He promised if he did, he’d let me know before he did it. I said it’s fine if you do.Just shoot me an email so I’m not surprised. He didn’t. That was 2 months ago.

Foolishly, in a weak moment, I dialed him from a restricted number just to hear his voice. So stupid, I know. That’s how I found out it was changed. I didn’t think it was possible to be anymore hurt and disappointed. I was wrong.

I immediately lost it and called him at home. He usually would be alone. His friggin Mom answered at 11am on a Thursday! Can we say Norman Bates? I just hung up, horrified and feeling totally out of control. He called me back and said he thought it would make it easier for both of us. Yeah right!

I never ever felt like a dirty mistress until that day. And I knew in that moment, I would never ever put my battered, broken heart through this ever again.

It was my first and last affair. Affairs only seem like a good idea when you are in one.