Birthday Blues/Get Back Up

Sorry all! I wrote this yesterday but wasn’t in the best frame of mind at the time to post it. I actually read today that there is such a thing as birthday blues, getting sad on your birthday.  It’s never happened to me before so I’m hoping it’s NOT that lol. That would suck cause I usually love birthdays.

Today is my birthday. I have so much to be grateful for and I know that.  All the friends and family who have called, sent cards, gifts, messages, etc.  I’m just having a rough day and I don’t think it’s anything in particular.  I guess it’s hormones plus I just miss my Mom, my Dad n his girlfriend are down in Virginia. Even wondering if Putz will say happy birthday.  Actually I know it’s hormones/my illness. I feel sad, a bit weepy and like no one loves me or cares.  The logical part of me knows that’s totally ridiculous, but that’s the illness.  Thankfully, it’s temporary and usually only bad for a few hours. Since it’s only a day or 2 a month and not EVERY SINGLE DAY?  I can handle it. Well I can get through it lol. I just feel like such an annoying whiner LOL!!! I guess I really can cry if I want to huh? Tomorrow will be a better day.

To Get Back Up Is Living Your Best – http://wp.me/p2pUkR-5gX

Man walking at sunset

Caregiver

My Life As a Caregiver

August 27, 2007 will forever be etched into my mind. 

Not only was it my Mom’s 62nd birthday, but I had just found out my Mom had Stage IV Lung Cancer (NSCLC) and of course I was beyond devastated.  She assumed it was stage 3 which can still be cured and was so excited by the news.  The surgeon’s nurse said “Your mom didn’t ask what stage it was so I didn’t tell her.  She will find out soon enough.”  

I called my father and we along with my brothers decided to let the doctors tell her when we went for the next appointment.  It was the hardest few days of my life not being able to share my agony and profound devastation with the one person who always understands, my mom.  From my limited knowledge on the subject I was sure her death was imminent.  We would lose her in a few short months. And I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle that. She was one of my best friends.   

Both of my brothers have kids, but I had just gotten married 2 years before. My husband and I were planning on getting a house and to start having kids that year, cause there wasn’t any rush. All of a sudden, all I could think of was “OMG my children will never know the most amazing woman, mother, wife, grandmother and friend that I’ve ever known!!!” And that was just unacceptable to me. But then I remembered two very important things she and my father always taught us kids. Knowledge is Power and you MUST be your own advocate. She was mine when I was in Sloane Kettering at age 12. 

After experiencing pain and other symptoms (and being told by our orthopedist that it was GROWING PAINS), my parents didn’t just ignore my complaints and eventually we ended up at Sloane Kettering. The doctors at Sloane found a tumor in my tibia bone. They were sure it was bone cancer and all the tests showed it had spread. But when they did a biopsy, they found the tumor and removed it instead. After testing and finding the malignancy hadn’t spread as the previous tests had shown, they were shocked and couldn’t explain how 3 different tests could be wrong. So I am a case at the Mayo Clinic for the Unexplained Medical Phenomena. One thing they were sure of though was that if my Mom hadn’t persisted on my behalf I would have definitely lost my leg if not my life. The only scar I have is about an inch and looks like a shaving scar. Crazy right? 

So I went into researcher mode and found a ton of information through some great books, websites, booklets, articles and support groups.  So when she did find out 4 days later, that her cancer could go into remission but would never be cured, I was ready.  I showed her stories of people with her same illness that now have been living for 5, 10 even 15 years with Stage IV Lung Cancer.  She said the greatest gift I gave her that day was HOPE.  

So when my family and friends, especially my Mom and Dad, told me how amazing I was in helping her, it’s only because she taught me how. And because of the Lung Cancer Alliance support board I remembered that doctors are great and statistics are fine, but doctors don’t know everything and statistics are just numbers. You MUST HAVE FAITH!!!!
 
If you believe you’ll get better and fight for it, I think you can definitely beat the odds for a lot longer than if u just give up.

And also EVERYONE at Memorial Sloane Kettering Cancer Hospital in NYC was so truly helpful throughout everything from her initial diagnosis to even making sure the insurance company pays the bills.  It’s about $10,000 just for each chemo treatment.  Crazy, right??

We thought about going to the Sloane Kettering facility @ one of the Long Island facilities, but heard mixed reviews.  I pulled aside the head nurse of the Chief of Thoracic Surgery at Sloane in NYC and asked her if it was her mom would she trek all the way in to the city or go the easy route and stay closer to home?  She said without a doubt, she’d trek to the city to give her mom the best care with the best specialists.  My parents, brothers and I all agreed and we’d take turns going in whenever possible. My Aunts, Uncles and cousins helped out too.   But for the most part it was me, my amazing hubby and my parents.  

It was tough because she broke her ankle and was in bed with a cast, got shingles, pneumonia and pulmonary embolisms. We almost lost her twice that year. My Dad and I did pretty well most days, but it was hard.  When we got overwhelmed, I tried to remember how my Mom must feel.  She was always so strong and independent.  I cannot fathom how out of control she must have felt.

It really does give you an amazing feeling helping others, especially loved ones.  I finally understand why people donate so much of their time to great causes.  It feels great to give back.  You almost get more out of it than those you help.  

A year since Mom’s diagnosis and Mom was doing great!!! It had been a rough year, but all 3 of her tumors in lungs were GONE!!!! She did have a spot on her liver, so they had put her on Tarceva, which they thought would shrink it. After that it was a runaway train that couldn’t be stopped.

It was a big shock and there was a lot of ups and downs.  But there was also a lot of love and laughter. My Mom has been gone for over 6 years. I am so glad that I had all the time with her that I did. We knew she didn’t have years to live, so we made each day count. I miss her so very much but I’m happy she’s at peace and no longer sick.

I am so lucky to have had her as a Mom. She wasn’t just my heart, she was my best friend. I miss her smell, her adorable little face, her smile and her laughter.

Thanksgiving Fun

Oops forgot to post this earlier 🙂
image

image

image

image

Have a Happy Thanksgiving everyone!  I am so thankful for all my blessings and loved ones. Having said that, as well as being a happy positive person, I’m also a realist so…..

I just read about a great new drinking game. Today every time someone:
1. Rants about Donald Trump
2. Asks u a dumb question like why you’re single or when you’re having kids
3. Talks about another family member
4. Says the word tryptophan
5. Argues white meat vs dark meat
6. Mentions parade floats
7. Or just annoys you at all

TAKE A DRINK N ENJOY!!!! LOL

Appreciate Your Loved Ones Before It’s Too Late

This is exactly what I have been trying to incorporate into my daily life.  It takes some practice and some days it’s easier than others.  It’s just that life is so friggin short and I want all my family and friends to know how much they mean to me.  This includes my blogging friends who have shown me the most amazing love and support these last 9 months.  Thanks you so very much for making my life so much richer!  I love you  and have a wonderful weekend. Hugs xoxo!

Tomorrow is never promised. So today… I want all my friends and family to know how thankful I am that all of you are in my life.

Source: Appreciate Your Loved Ones Before It’s Too Late

All We Need Is Love

image

image

image
image

I’m no longer settling for less than everything. I want a mad, passionate love with my best friend. I want amazing, takes your breath away sex that just keeps getting better and better. And most of all I want a man smart enough to choose me every day and never, ever let me go. He won’t be perfect, just perfect for me. My crazy will fit his crazy. It will be a life full of joy, laughter, happiness, love and support, family, friends and yummy erotic sex.

Really Good Weekend!

Friday night I spent with my family celebrating my nephew’s 10th birthday. After the last few difficult weeks, it was really nice to just hang out with them, laugh, make fun of one another like we always do and just have a great time.  At one point, I was actually sitting in between my 2 brothers, which NEVER happens lol.  We don’t get to do it often enough lately with everyone busy with their own lives. So I really enjoyed myself and later realized how very much I needed to just BE with all of them.  They make me laugh, they bust my chops, they always manage to surprise me and rejuvenate my spirit. Like my one brother, who told me that my Mom has been speaking to him for a few years now!  My other brother and I just gawked at him open-mouthed, as he is a very black and white person and has NEVER ever said anything about this before lol.  I didn’t get to push him on the topic, as we were in a crowd of people, but you can be sure I will 🙂

Then Saturday I got my hair colored and blown out. It sucks getting older as you start getting gray streaks lol. I can’t really complain as I still look pretty young but that’s mostly genetics. I started to get a chest cold that afternoon but I ignored it as I had a friend’s 40th birthday bash to go to. My H wasn’t in the mood, which I totally understood. But he did drive me and pick me up so I could have a few cocktails, which I appreciated. Party was great and I had a lot of fun catching up with some friends. Mostly like a girl’s night as no one brought their hubbies lol.

Sunday I was in bed with my cold and slept a lot. Which actually was the best thing I could’ve done because it never went to bronchitis, which is usually what happens to me. So I just ate some ice cream and chicken soup for my throat and drank ginger ale. Very boring but definitely necessary.

Then today we went over to my MIL’s house to start getting ready for the huge estate/contents of house sale we are having in 2 weeks. Had a few antique dealers over to buy some things first. I did some research and between that and husband’s knowledge, we did pretty well. Everyone left happy and wanting more. I guess that’s a good thing. I know I was a lot more emotionally invested when it was my Mom’s stuff we were selling. But they have a lot of stuff and H has taken all the things that have meaning to him already. He handled it really well and I was proud of him. Then we had a fight over the new tv because we need to get an HDTV cable box and he didn’t listen to me when I told him. Just thought he could hook it up and then worry about it. but nope not going to work without an updated cable box hun lol. So we had to hook the old tv back up until we can get the new cable box this week. Oh well, at least it allowed us to pull the tv out and then I was able to clean the dust bunnies lurking back there.

Sometimes I forget to look at the bright side and be grateful for all the many blessings in my life.  I am truly fortunate and even though I’m still missing passion in my life, I know that either that changes in the very near future or difficult decisions will have to be made.  I refuse to live a life without great sex and passion any longer, no matter what.  Maybe it’s not important to some people but it is to me.  I have been patient for far longer than I should have.  But we have been through so much together and there is so much love between us.  If I could have the passion, joy and great sex with H that I had with P, I really don’t think I could ask for anything more.

Happy Days

cropped-1367699784928.jpg

The view from the back deck of the lake house.

Today is a good day.  I am feeling happy and grateful for all that I have.  I have been reading a lot about gratitude and joy. With any type of mental illness (in my case depression) it’s definitely easy to forget sometimes how lucky I truly am.  I have a wonderful family and a great group of friends.  Instead of focusing on what I don’t have or what’s missing, I am instead choosing to embrace the people who love me and want to be in my life.  They are each one a blessing and I am making a point of sharing this with them.

I am trying to be kinder and gentler in my approach of people.  I tend to be very direct and good or bad, you will always know where you stand with me.  I am getting in touch with my inner self and I think this will be a positive thing. I’m learning it is better to be kind than it is to be right.  I’m also a smartass but this I cannot change lol.

Thankfully, my Hubby and those closest to me know that under my tough exterior lies a huge, passionate and sensitive heart.  I am caring, compassionate and loyal to a fault (yes I am aware of the irony of this, thanks).  To be loved and accepted for who you are is a gift that I treasure.

The sun is shining and tonight I have a reception to attend with my husband.  Believe me, it totally sounds much swankier than it is lol.  But the booze is free, the food is great and last year I won 3 raffle prizes 🙂

I’m going to my friend’s beach club cabana tomorrow.  I have absolutely nothing to complain about.  In 2 weeks I have a week vacation and we will be spending it at my parent’s lake cottage.  It is so peaceful, beautiful and relaxing there.  I have so many wonderful memories there, especially of my Mom.  She designed the house and I can strongly feel her presence whenever I am there.

From Lessons In Life:

Find someone that isn’t afraid to admit they miss you. Someone that knows you’re not perfect but treats you as if you are. Someone who couldn’t imagine losing you. Someone who gives their heart to you completely. Someone who says I love you and proves it. Last but not least, find someone who wouldn’t mind waking up to you in the morning, seeing your wrinkles and grey hair but still falls in love with you all over again.
~Unknown

Crazy Bitter People

Okay so I’ve only been blogging for about 5 months and am still figuring this whole thing out.

I have met so many supportive, kind and truly loving people. You have helped me through an extremely painful time in my life. You have allowed me to see life in a new way and made me laugh through my tears. Words cannot express the gratitude I feel to so many fellow bloggers.

And I guess I should’ve been better prepared for the bitter haters given some of the subject matter of my blog.

But what kind of person follows blogs with the sole purpose of making nasty, hateful comments while keeping theirs private? A bitter, angry, pathetic coward.

You do not know me, my story or my heart. I am NOT to blame for your pain or lot in life. So don’t you dare try to shame me or characterize me. You are weak and sad and I hope you find peace. But this is not the way. Shame on you!

Grow up, be a real woman and stop blaming others for your anger and unhappiness. Make yourself better instead of trying to make others feel worse.

I have been through more in my life than you could possibly imagine and I have NEVER resorted to hurting others to make myself feel somehow less crappy.

Go shovel your crazy somewhere else lady, we’re all full up here thanks 🙂

Promise You Will Forget The Hurt

I love the idea that one day we will forget the hurt, the pain, the sadness and even those that caused it.

I cannot wait for my heart to be completely healed. I have made a lot of progress the past few months. I have not contacted P and he has not contacted me. I can only hope that continues as we have said all we needed to say.

I am so grateful for all the love, kindness and support I have found in our little blogosphere. I truly don’t think I could have gotten to such a good place without all of you who read my words and see my heart.

I know today is a good day and I also realize each day is different. Tomorrow may be a shitstorm lol. Who knows? But I do believe after everything I have been through in my life, the best is yet to come.

Positive Outlooks Blog

Someday, we’ll forget the hurt, the reason we cried and who caused us pain. We will finally realize that the secret of being free is not revenge, but letting things unfold in their own way and own time. After all, what matters is not the first, but the last chapter of our life which shows how well we ran the race. So smile, laugh, forgive, believe and love all over again.  — Unknown

Man walking at sunset

View original post