Freaky Friday

Okay, today has been a strange one and not really in a good way. I just have felt this feeling of loneliness, even though I’ve been surrounded by people all day long. I just felt so alone, ugly and unloved. My friends thankfully reminded me I’m not. I was hoping not to be hormonal this month during my period, but obviously that ship has sailed. Oh well, lol.

I knew it had nothing at all to do with Putz and things with my H have been going really well. We have been talking more, spending more time together and yesterday he had me laughing so hard I almost fell off my chair at my desk.

Then my Dad called me and asked if I was starting to get melancholy because the anniversary of my Mom’s death is on Monday.  And bam, I realized why I was feeling so alone.  Thankfully, time has helped to dull the once sharp pains of loss and I am usually able to smile when I think of her and realize how lucky I truly was to be her daughter.  We have always tried to celebrate her life but we do usually go to Mass together and then to brunch on February 15th. I see now that we do it to help ourselves and each other cope with the loss of such an important part of our family. I know my Mom is happily smiling down at us with love and joy in her heart.  This song kind of says exactly how I feel sometimes.

Family, Grief and Strength

family isn't always blood

It’s been 2 1/2 weeks since my Mother-in-law died very suddenly and unexpectedly.  In a week she went from being completely healthy to dying of stage 4 ovarian cancer.  The only blessing is she never really knew she was sick.  By the time we knew it was cancer, she was already in hospice.

I’ve just been exhausted physically and emotionally. We’re all Catholic so the wake was Friday day n night. Then Sat morning was the funeral mass at church then the burial. Then we had a lunch at a restaurant. We rented the whole place so it was nice.

Neither of my husband’s brothers or sister are really spiritual (I have lovingly called them heathens for years n my Mother in law used to laugh lol) so I planned the funeral mass. It was beautiful and sweet. Just what she would’ve wanted. No hypocritical church bullshit lol. The priest looked like and sounded exactly like the actor from those old 7 up commercials. My H said his Mom would’ve really liked him.  I thought so too.

I was sitting there in the front on the aisle because I had to do a reading because my brother-in-law changed his mind which I understood.  It really hit me right them, standing near her covered casket and I started crying silently, the tears pouring down my face.  My H took my hand and squeezed while putting his arm around me.  Then of course I felt horrible that he had to comfort me because it was his Mom we lost. But just when I felt so weak and broken, I turned around and looked back at the church.  There a few rows back was my family!!   I knew they would all come to the wake. But I was so surprised and happy to see my Dad, his girlfriend, my brothers n sis in laws, even my cousin at the church. My Mom would’ve wanted that but I was so grateful and it gave me so much comfort and strength.  I know they are all very busy, except my Dad who’s retired, so the fact that they were all there for me?  It helped my heart tremendously and lifted my spirit more than words can ever say.  That’s why even if we drive each other nuts or piss each other off, it doesn’t matter.  When push comes to shove, we are always there for each other and that will never change.  I know how truly blessed and lucky I am to have them in my life.  I’m going to my brother’s house later for a birthday party for my nephew.  They will all be there and I will definitely tell them since I don’t tell them nearly enough how much they mean to me lol.

Life is so short! All that matters is love, family, friends, laughter, joy n yes passion n great sex lol. I know everything does happen for a reason and I am so grateful that I was here for my H when he needed me most. I will continue to be here for him.  But if January comes and there’s still not improvement in the sexless part of our marriage? I will not be living without love, sex and passion and that is non-negotiable.

Death Takes Us All But Love is Eternal


I have accumulated a lot of personal knowledge of death over the last 7 years.  First 6 years ago, I lost my Mom.  A year later I lost one of my best friends, my 32 year old cousin, a Special Forces paratrooper who survived 2 tours in Iraq and a tour in Afghanistan, in a freak training accident here in the US. A year after that, his father and the only Uncle I was really close to out of my Mom’s 3 brothers died of cancer. A year after that I lost my only other male cousin who was 44 of cancer. A year later we lost my H’s Dad less than a month after he was diagnosed with cancer.  Now, my Mother-in-law died last week of ovarian cancer after a week in the hospital and before she was even officially diagnosed!!

Holy shit!  I cannot believe how many people I have lost over the last 7 years!!  Is it me or does that seem like A LOT of death?!?!  That doesn’t even count close family friends, distant relatives, grandparents, etc. Maybe I am being overly sensitive or dramatic but that seems like a shitload of death and loss to me.  I don’t think I ever really stopped and thought about it like that.

I was raised to always find the good in every situation as well as something to laugh about.  Because otherwise what the heck is the point?  And I agree with that philosophy, it has kept me going through some very dark times in my life.  I’m not saying don’t feel bad, mad or sad.  I’m saying don’t allow it to define you.  I don’t think that I have a dark cloud hanging over me or anything.  Shit happens in life and you really have only 2 choices. You can either deal with it and enjoy life or you can sit and whine about all the bad that has happened.

Do you know what I think of?  I think of their faces, smiling and laughing.  So full of life and joy.  They each led such extraordinary lives and had something so special about them.  I mourned them and grieved the loss but now?  I remember them and I celebrate all the amazing memories and laughter we shared through the years!!!  I was so lucky to know them and be related to them, either by blood or by marriage.  How many people can say they consider themselves truly lucky to have had 33 years with a mother so remarkable that she will never ever be forgotten?  I can!!

Yes it sucks and when someone is grieving the worst thing you can say is something idiotic like they’re in a better place or it is a blessing!!!  It makes that person’s loved ones want to crack someone in the head lol.  It doesn’t matter that it is true or that you only mean to help, when a person is grieving almost anything you say can set them off.  That’s just the nature of intense pain and suffering.  You know what never ever pissed me off or hurt my feelings?  I’m so sorry for your loss and a hug.  That was always the perfect thing to say.  More people should just say that lol.  At least I think so.

I think the way I think about death is different than most.  After being there with my Mom when she died, whatever doubts I had about the afterlife and seeing our loved ones again when we die?  They cease to exist, 100% because she had the most beautiful and happy smile on her face as she crossed over from this world to the next one.  My Dad and I thought maybe we were hallucinating, but then we realized we would both have to be hallucinating simultaneously but separately. We will see our loved ones again and from the look on my Mom’s beautiful little face?  It’s a hell of a party when we do!!!!

It’s Difficult But You Have To Move On

Sometimes the hardest and most important truths to realize are the ones that seem so basic and easy to understand.

For me, it’s like my heart and head have completely different ideas and agendas.

It’s been 3 months since P and I broke up and 6 weeks no contact. And while my head is completely secure in the knowledge that our deep connection has been irrevocably severed by his fear and cowardice, my heart still misses him so much sometimes. It creeps up on me out of nowhere and reminds me of the devastating pain and loss that almost crushed me 3 months ago.

Time does heal the pain but it still sucks. Especially given the fact that while I have many virtues, unfortunately patience is not among them.

Positive Outlooks Blog

There are things we don’t want to happen, but have to accept. Things we don’t want to know, but have to learn. And people we can’t live without but have to let go. — Jennifer Jareau

Man walking at sunset

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