Withdrawal & Love Addiction

It’s a rainy day here in NY. I am enjoying it with my hubby. We are snuggled up watching old game shows from the 70s n 80’s. Now we’re watching the original Annie. You know a man truly loves you if he will happily watch Annie for the first time just to spend time with you! LOL I’m going where the love is!!!

This is a great article that I thought might help a few of my friends. Hugs n love to you all!

Withdrawal: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

Withdrawal makes love addiction different from codependency. Like any other addict, a love addict wants a fix — in this case, the object of his or her obsession. That could be a particular person, or a relationship in general. So what happens when that “substance” goes away?

There are two ways a love addict enters withdrawal: They’ve ended the relationship or tried to. Or his or her partner has left the relationship — explicitly, or by becoming obsessed with his or her own addictive behavior. As soon as the love addict feels the other person’s absence, it will trigger feelings of loss.

For most people, loss evokes emotions such as sadness. Healthy adults know how to manage these emotions. But for love addicts, in addition to normal feelings of loneliness, grief, anger, and fear, all their childhood trauma issues are triggered, too. Any unresolved childhood issues around abandonment, fear, anger, jealousy, insecurity, guilt, shame, and loss are going to combine with the current adult experience to create one perfect storm. It’s intense, devastating, and overwhelming, and often the love addict feels out of control in the face of it.

If withdrawal occurs because the addict’s partner left, you can add to this unexpected and unplanned shocks. The addict might face economic changes, having to move, the impact on any children, and dealing with a possible affair or other addiction fallout. It is difficult to describe the totality of the impact.

Love addicts, to get into recovery, need to be able to endure these intense emotions. Doing so long enough will help them face the fact of their addiction; begin to heal their childhood issues; take responsibility for themselves; and begin a new path that includes healthy relating. They will need a lot of support to get through this phase.

Here are some of the things love addicts may be tempted to do while they are experiencing withdrawal:

  • Go back to the relationship. It is possible to heal a love addiction without ending a relationship, but it requires putting the relationship on hold for a significant amount of time. You can’t be in an actively dysfunctional relationship and try to heal your addiction.
  • Contact the old partner. If the relationship is over, a love addict is going to be tempted to reestablish contact. This will lead to an attempt to go back to the relationship.
  • Stalk the old partner. Rage and jealousy can become intense. If there is a third party involved (or if one is suspected), the addict may be tempted to stalk their old partner. Once withdrawal takes over, the brain isn’t in any place to be logical or rational. It’s being run by intense emotions that go back to childhood. There’s a raging and scared child at the wheel and all kinds of things make sense to a child that don’t make sense to adults.
  • Get even. If you’ve got a raging and scared child in charge, then that child might also devise all kinds of ways to get even. Have an affair of your own. Spend all the money. Show up at the partner’s office and make a scene. Ruin something important or valuable. Say anything and everything in order to cause pain.

Remember, the addict’s brain has been hijacked by addiction withdrawal. There is no logical reasoning going on here. The primary goal of the brain in withdrawal is to get the addictive substance back and stop all the pain. So love addicts in withdrawal hear messages in their heads that sound something like:

  • I can’t live without him or her. I need him or her.
  • I can still make this work. It has to work. I need to give it one more chance.
  • He or she is supposed to be with me. We were supposed to be together. We were meant for each other.
  • It wasn’t supposed to be like this. It was supposed to work out. I didn’t want it to be like this. Why is it like this?

It’s important to understand how addiction works. Get help and support to get through this phase. Because it does pass. Remember, as my therapist reminds me: these terrifying and overwhelming emotions are just neurons firing in grooves that were formed in and informed by pain long before this relationship started.

Our job in recovery is to form new grooves formed in and informed by love, acceptance, compassion, and patience. If we can tolerate the pain without acting on it, we are already forming new grooves. That’s the beginning of progress.

But it’s not enough to simply stand there in pain and do nothing. Get yourself to a 12-step meeting. Call a friend who gets it — someone who will completely support you, not just take your side, tell you what you want to hear, or start telling you what you need to do.

Write in your journal. Get those feelings out of you and somewhere else. Process them somehow. Yell at a tree. Throw eggs at the ground. Cry. If you’re like me, sob. Get it out. Be comfortable with your intensity and recognize that you’re not dying, nothing bad is happening, you’re not going back to your old behaviors. That’s when you’ll know you’re making progress.

Every now and then, something seemingly innocuous, like an empty pizza box, can trigger intense feelings of withdrawal for me. I’m always caught off guard when that happens. But I’m learning that every time it does, I can just allow those feelings to pass through me and out.

I can cry, shake, yell, rant, pace, whatever, and as long as I don’t pick up the phone to call, text, email, or do anything that..
To read the rest of this article go to http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2014/08/07/withdrawal-the-good-the-bad-and-the-ugly/

Rejection sucks.

rejection

Rejection can actually be extremely painful and traumatic.  This is a great article that explains why it’s so difficult to move on from.  I believe that it was the rejection I felt that made getting over my ex so difficult.  Not because he was so perfect or wonderful, but because I had never before felt so rejected or abandoned by someone who supposedly loved me.  It took me over a year to move on and finally let go of that love. Thankfully he doesn’t read my blog anymore.  He would read some of the articles about narcissism and cry. Apparently, truth and honesty don’t mix well with a fake, delusional and dysfunctional life.  He’d rather pretend and lie to himself.  After a lifetime of self-delusion and abuse?  It’s all he knows and, most likely, all he will ever know.  That is completely his choice.  But to allow her selfish behavior and malignant narcissism to screw up both of their children so irrevocably?  I think that’s just unforgivable.  I live my life in the light, not the darkness.  In the truth and not in lies. With him there will always be pain and suffering.  I’m going where the love is 🙂 


Rejection: A Loser’s Guide

by Adoree Durayappah-Harrison MAPP

Raise your hand if you have never heard any of the following lines in one form or another:

  • Let’s just be friends.
  • Unfortunately, we don’t have a position that meets your unique qualifications at this time.
  • We regret to inform you that we cannot grant you acceptance to X University.
  • You are very talented, and I expect you to do great things…elsewhere.

If you’ve finished reading this list and your hand is raised, please bring it down to face level. Cup your hand to your cheek. Pull it back three to five inches and traveling at an increased velocity slap yourself firmly in the face. Why? If you haven’t experienced rejection, this exercise serves as a simulation of what rejection feels like. Actually, a slap in the face is much more pleasant than rejection. Rejection is more of a swift punch to the solar plexus. But since punching oneself in the solar plexus requires dexterity and the knowledge of the location of your solar plexus, for demonstration purposes you must forgive me for choosing the former.

However, chances are you didn’t raise your hand. I’m willing to bet that if you are reading this article, you are all-too-familiar with that uninvited houseguest. Say hello to your good buddy, Rejection.

Now, what you probably already know about rejection is that he isn’t too shy about showing up at the most inappropriate places and at the most inopportune times.

In fact, some common situations where he loves to drop by include when you are:

  • Deeply in love
  • Chasing your dreams
  • Job hunting
  • Starting a new venture
  • Pursing your personal projects
  • Applying and auditioning

And, God knows this list is not exhaustive. Just when you have filed the restraining order and unlisted your phone number guess who managed to find you? That’s right: Rejection.

Your Old Nemesis: Rejection

Do you remember when you first met that meddlesome stranger? I remember the first time I shook his cold, clammy hand. I can still feel the sweat on my palm. It was summer camp; I was seven. We had to swim across the pool “freestyle” in order to earn a green plastic necklace announcing our admission into the coveted deep end. I thought “freestyle” meant we were free to pick any style we wanted. This is America after all! The style I picked was swimming at the bottom of the pool and not coming up for air. I did not earn the attractive green necklace. Instead, I sported a red one the entire duration of camp. I entered a “highly exclusive” group of non deep-end-goers made up of only two girls, a girl from Honduras and myself. Because she didn’t speak any English, we couldn’t even commiserate about our exclusion.

You probably remember your first encounter with rejection: being picked last in gym class or not getting into the advanced reading or math class in elementary school. Perhaps it came at home or on the playground.

Since a young age we have been tormented by rejection. We have seen rejection crop up at school, at work, in relationships, and in the pursuit of our dreams. Over the years, we have been rejected by significant others, from teams, from programs, from projects, from companies, from roles, from organizations, and from institutions.

Logic would suggest that if we have been confronting rejection since a young age on numerous occasions, over the years we should be experts at getting over rejection by now. We all know this isn’t the case.

Why Does Rejection Hurt Us So Badly?

The honest truth is that rejection sucks. Rejection hurts now and will in the future. (Good on you rejection for at least being consistent.)

The purpose of this article is to build our awareness about why rejection hurts so badly, and why even after years of exposure we are not immune to its pernicious effects. In this article we examine rejection psychologically and evolutionarily, to discover what is happening to us neurologically when we feel rejected and why anthropologically speaking, we are hardwired to fear rejection.

Rejection comes from Latin, meaning thrown back. When we are rejected, we feel not only halted but pushed back in the opposite direction of which we were headed. Now consider this, when rejected, how do we describe the event? We tend to say, “I was rejected.” Notice what is going on here. We are using passive voice. This indicates how we feel about the part we play in rejection. We view ourselves as passive, as being the victim of an action, as inactive, as nonparticipative.

Rejection Is Physiologically Heart-Breaking

Do you remember when I made you slap your face? Let’s return to that moment to continue the discussion of what it feels like to be rejected. Okay, you have just received the swift blow of rejection knocking you off guard and what happens? First, you are stunned, disoriented from the blow. You feel weak and helpless. Your body begins to shut down, as you lay there paralyzed from the injury. You might think that I am being overly dramatic, but this is what happens biologically when your body responds to rejection.

Scientists from the University of Amsterdam found that unexpected social rejection is associated with a significant response of the parasympathetic nervous system. Let’s take a quick time-out to discuss just what the heck is the parasympathetic nervous system. When the body is active, generally in fight or flight mode, the sympathetic system engages, heart rate quickens, pupils dilate, energy is directed towards allowing the body to react quickly. However, the parasympathetic system is responsible for when the body is at rest.

Remember how we discussed speaking of rejection in passive voice: “I was rejected”? Well, studies have found that after rejection not only do we think passively, but also we act passively. When faced with unexpected social rejection, research has found that “feeling that you are not liked” results in our heart rate actually slowing down, an activity of the parasympathetic nervous system. Thus, feeling rejected results in you reacting both psychologically and physically. It is interesting to mention that in this study participants’ heart rates fell not only when they heard a person’s unfavorable opinion of them but also in anticipation of hearing a person’s opinion. If told that the person’s opinion of him or her was unfavorable, the individual’s heart rate plummeted even further and took longer to return to baseline. Additionally, heart rates slowed even more when individuals expected a positive opinion but received a negative one. This explains how rejection, especially the kind that blindsides you, literally feels heartbreaking.

We Are Hard-Wired to Fear Rejection

As human beings, we are extremely sensitive to rejection, especially forms of social rejection. We have a strong motivation to seek approval and acceptance. If we take an anthropological perspective, we can see how back in the day-I’m talking about back in the 10,000 BC day-you knew that if you were on your own, your chance of survival was nil. You needed your tribe for food, shelter, and protection. Being rejected from others meant imminent death. Evolutionarily speaking, we are hardwired to form social relationships and strongly motivated to feel liked and feel like we belong.

Getting Over a Breakup Is Like Getting Over a Cocaine Addiction

Neurologically speaking, rejection sucks! And, arguably the worst type of rejection is romantic rejection. Getting over a breakup is like getting over an addition to cocaine. Oh, that isn’t just my personal viewpoint; it is also the opinion and the scientific finding of researchers at Stony Brook University. The researchers found that the area of the brainthat is active during the pain and anguish experienced during a breakup is the same part of the brain associated with motivation, reward, and addiction cravings. Brain imaging shows similarities between romantic rejection and cocaine craving.

Rejection hurts so acutely because we get addicted to the relationship, only to have it taken away from us. And after, just like a drug addiction, we go through withdrawal.

We Aren’t That Good at Dealing With Loss

In general humans aren’t good with dealing with loss. We tend to view loss as much more significant than gain. Psychologist Daniel Kahneman received the Nobel Prize for his work in Prospect Theory. Prospect Theory describes how people make choices in situations where they have to decide between alternatives that involve risk. The model discusses how people realistically decide rather than evidencing how one should make the most optimal decision. Using empirical evidence as the base, the theory describes how individuals evaluate potential losses and gains.

Individuals view the pain of losing $50 as much stronger than the joy of receiving $50. Thus, we tend to be loss averse and will be motivated to avoid risks that involve losing rather than take risks involved in the potential for gains.

Now that we can give the scientific explanation of why rejection sucks and can sound smarter at cocktail parties, let us move on to explore how rejection impairs us not only in the moment but also in the long-term.

After Rejection We Stop Trying and Taking Risks

Sadly there is no surgeon general warning that comes with rejection. So, we must conduct our own exploration into the major effects of rejection that are most inimical to our psychological and physical health. First, we see that rejection can lead to the reduction of hope and the reluctance to take risks.

Psychological studies have proven this outcome. This phenomenon is known in the scientific community as learned helplessness. Psychologist Martin Seligman and Steve Maier discovered during a series of experiments that dogs who had previously “learned” that nothing they did had any effect on preventing shocks when placed in a new situation, where they could have easily escaped the shock, simply lay down passively and whined. Learned helplessness refers to the condition in which animals or human beings learn to behave helplessly, viewing their actions as producing no effective result even when attempting to avoid an unpleasant or harmful situation.

After facing rejection, individuals often feel as if their actions fail to produce any desired effect. As a result, individuals can lose hope that the situation can be improved at all. And, just as the dogs in the experiment, what do we tend to do after a strong blow of rejection? We lie down passively and whine. We complain about how we were wronged saying that the world hates us and that the outcome is completely unfair. But, do we try and take action? No. Rather, we stay in that fetal position and continue to sing our song of sorrows and think why try if there is no point.

We are such diligent students of learned helplessness that we can even learn vicariously. By observing others encountering uncontrollable events, we too can become helpless and passive. Rejection is so strong that even the mere presence of it around us makes as run home to our mommies, worried that if he just beat up Timmy, who knows what he will do when he gets a hold of us. The result: we give up on our goals because we are so preoccupied with failing.

To see the rest of this article go to  https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/thriving101/201012/rejection-losers-guide

Wonderful Wednesday

start a new day

Losing-feelings.-640x640 (1)

letting-go courage

if you care

 

sometimes not looking

to be happy

i gave up

Positive Thinking

i'm not perfect

don't be afraid to back-up try again

we-do-not-get-unlimited-chances

good-day-sayings

It is beautiful here in NY and I have a 4 day weekend! Woohoo!  It’s my brothers’ birthdays today (they’re twins lol). Having dinner with the family. I have a little Easter Egg hunt planned for the little kids. Then I’m going to my friend’s house (the one who lost her Mom last week) to hang out and have some wine.  I might leave my car there and have my H pick me up after work. They only live a mile away from us. Tomorrow’s Holy Thursday, so I will try my best not to curse. I’ve been doing pretty well but not as good as I should’ve on no meat. I cheated a few times this Lent. My own Birthday is fast approaching (not really a good thing since I turned 40 lol) next Tuesday.

Hope everyone is having a great week. If you are, rock on and keep going where the love is! If you aren’t, please know that I have definitely been there many, many times. And will be again one day.  That’s just life.  But I am sorry you’re struggling and I really hope things get better soon. Hugs 🙂

Turn the Page

I’ve been off from work all week, just relaxing and spending time with family and friends. I feel really good today. Full of hope and happiness 🙂

This is an old post but it’s a great lesson that I learned the hard way. Sending everyone hugs, love and healing. Go where the love is!

Continue reading

Now We Are Free

I thought my stress, sadness and exhaustion the few weeks in December were from the holiday hustle n bustle and all the loss my H and I have suffered. Then I thought maybe it was work. I even scared myself into worrying maybe after all these years on the same meds, they had finally stopped working.

Instead it was my conflicted heart that was causing me so much pain n turmoil. A part of me had been foolishly waiting all these months for Putz to realize how much I mean to him. For him to come after me. But when he emailed and called a lot a few months ago, I realized I no longer believe his lies. I told him no over and over because I don’t trust him with my heart and I seriously doubt I ever could. He stopped being the man I loved and wanted last December. And absolutely nothing has changed in a year.

He put my love in a box a long time ago and has been able to live without it or me. Deep in my heart, I am certain that’s not the kind of man I could ever be truly happy with.

I believe everything happens for a reason and that I was meant to be here for my H when his Mom died. I believe that with all my heart. And no matter what happens in the future, he will always be my family.

And last December Putz’s family was ready to disown him because they still didn’t know the truth about so so. For years she had been poisoning his own family against him and he had no idea. Now they have seen the truth for themselves and they loathe her and her fake selfish ways. He has their love and support and I’m glad for him.

It saddens me to know that he is so unbalanced that he will probably see my no longer wanting him like the bull sees the matador waving the red flag. I am way too old to have any interest in childish, ridiculous games.

Every day he stays in an abusive relationship with a narcissist, he puts his needs above those of his kids. By not facing the truth, he keeps them trapped in a nightmare that they cannot escape from. Until he clearly says, “NO! I WILL NO LONGER LET U ABUSE ME OR OUR CHILDREN” they will all stay miserable forever.

I think choosing to live so many years without real love, companionship, sex and intimacy shows just how damaged he is. Not nearly good enough to be happy but not bad enough to leave. Maybe he’s just comfortable in his unhappiness. He’s actually surprised that even after getting sex, he’s still not happy with a narcissist! Duhh lol

Leaving a narcissistic relationship is one of the hardest, most devastating, break-ups you will ever endure. But survival is indeed a possibility. Narcissists are typically charming, captivating, intelligent and manipulative. They are difficult to let go of, plus it also means coming to terms with the fact that the person you loved was not the person you thought he or she was. Furthermore, it means admitting to the painful and humiliating things you endured during your relationship. And then just when you have the strength to finally leave, the narcissist turns your emotions upside down again with guilt, intimidation or original charm, telling you the exact words you have been waiting to hear (“I love you, I’ll change”, etc.).

By Alexander Burgemeester from the NarcissistLife.com

Thankfully this story already has a happy ending. On New Years Eve, all the desire and compulsive addictive destructive need to contact miraculously disappeared. It’s been such a tremendous gift of peace and acceptance. I’m not yet at my goal of 100% indifference but there are days now when I rarely think of him at all. His part in my story is over, of that I am certain. And the fact that I’m smiling peacefully and with gratitude as I write this? That says more than words could ever convey.

It’s 2016 folks and I am going where the love and amazing sex is 🙂

I No Longer Feel The Need

For a while now, I have been drafting a final goodbye letter to Putz. Saying all the beautiful loving things I had left to say. I intended to email it December 31st. Today I realized that I had completely forgotten about it!! Not only do I no longer care enough to send it, what the heck would be the point? What’s done is done. Nothing can change what’s happened and I believe there’s a reason for almost everything.

I actually unblocked him last week and we texted a little. Nothing much at all and I feel so much freer not hating him and missing him. He texted me to say Have a Happy New Year and be safe a few nights ago. I haven’t responded and I won’t. I don’t hate him but come on now! We’re not bffs lol. We will both simply work on our marriages and move on with our lives now. It’s way past time.

He’s still really trying to save his ridiculously dysfunctional “family” as well as his crappy marriage to a narcissist. He says she’s being nice and really trying too. I wish him lots of luck with that, cause boy he’s gonna need it lol. I respect him for trying and hope he finds real love n happiness someday. But if not, that’s entirely his choice and only his life he’s wasted alone and unloved.

My H has just made an appointment with a psychiatrist. He comes from a tough Italian/German family where even if you got shot, you would definitely be told to “walk it off”! So to even think of going to a shrink was unfathomable to him. But he said he knows I am pulling away and he doesn’t want to lose me. And he is actively trying to rebuild intimacy and spend time together. It’s been really nice to see the man I fell in love with starting to re-emerge. It’s been a long time. I’m cautiously optimistic so I guess we’ll see.

Whatever happens, mentally I’m in a really good place and I’m happy. Thankfully 2015 is over. 2016 will be a time of change, growth and hopefully love and lots of great sex!

Wishing you all a wonderful New Year full of love, joy, laughter and yes sex 🙂

Letting Go of Toxic Relationships-Part 2

ocd

http://relationshipfree.com/all-about-toxic-relationships-and-how-to-let-go/

By Sarah Webb

So how do you move on?

1. Be honest with yourself
Allow yourself to be entirely disgusted with this person for treating you the way they have. Cry – trust me, you will cry A LOT! Don’t blame yourself – you’ve been through enough pain now and you’re probably feeling quite exhausted. Tell yourself that you’re leaving for your own wellbeing – in order to truly love yourself, realise that self-preservation means severing these ties.

2. Prepare to become super-human
You won’t eat, you won’t sleep, you may take time off work to deal with things, you’ll cry yourself into a world of dehydration. There’s nothing you can do about any of this except ride it out until it’s over with.

3. If you have decided to end the relationship, be clear about it
Stop contacting them COMPLETELY. Cut them off. Do not enable them to contact you again. Block them out of your life completely. Do whatever you have to do. I know I shouldn’t encourage you to fight fire with fire, but sometimes, particularly when we’re hurting, if you do it respectfully it can bring us a sense of power. So, if you can’t be blunt to them about it or you’re having trouble ending it, then turn it around and push it until you have manipulated them into saying it. If they’re toxic and intentionally hurting you, trust me, it won’t take long until they make the threat – and then go with it, stick with it and don’t look back. Hit that accelerator and go go go!

4. DO NOT worry about their feelings
Toxic people don’t have feelings! Well … they do, but as far as you’re concerned from now, they don’t! Consider them narcissists, which means they don’t have feelings, but they will pretend they do, if that helps. Think about how long they’ve overlooked your feelings. So, trust me – just tell yourself they don’t! Why? Because it’s when we consider their feelings that we continue our self-doubt and we start to go back. If you find yourself with any level of concern for someone who is hurting you, stop yourself right there and tell yourself that you deserve better than your current circumstances. Trust the universe to lead you to a better reality – it may mean sitting with the pain for some time, but it will be worth it. Anything is better than going back and suffering at the hands of the toxic relationship again. In fact, I read a quote recently that said: “Sometimes giving a person a second chance is like giving them an extra bullet for their gun because they missed you the first time” … what about once you have given them a hundred chances? Trust me, if you haven’t made this mistake yourself, it makes you feel as though you handed them a machine gun and it’s not worth it!

5. Don’t try to replace the person
They say the fastest way over someone is to find someone new. This is not the case when you’re recovering from a toxic relationship. When you’re recovering from a toxic relationship, unfortunately you are exceptionally vulnerable, more than if you’re just recovering from a standard relationship break up. The chances that you will entice another toxic person into your life are extremely high. Don’t go with it. Take comfort in knowing that if this person has left you for someone else, the chances that they are truly happy or will be happy long-term are exceptionally slim. And you would have left them anyway because the relationship was toxic … so don’t worry!

6. Struggling? Read about it
Spend some time reading about other people’s experiences and advice about leaving a toxic relationship – it will strengthen you. I found the Between Dreams blog written by the gorgeous Allie, and I have to say: it’s absolutely FANTASTIC! If you’re leaving a toxic relationship, you will certainly identify with the things she says, here’s an excerpt from it:

“You want the real, uncensored truth? Because for me, letting go of people is hard. I fight for the people I care about, I want the best for them, and I want to be that person who stuck it out for the long hard battle. Because how can you just give up on the years you’ve known each other? The time invested into that very relationship? The idea of giving up just doesn’t enter my mind.
Then one day, you wake up. You see how unhappy you are. You now see the trance of negativity that’s been placed around you. You begin to wonder which way to turn…
You can write out your feelings, you can list out the pros and cons, justify whatever it is in your mind, give them one more chance, but all it takes it one thought to change everything. For me, it was this:
“Fuck this. I want a life filled with happiness, love, and compassion. And you know what? I deserve it. It’s mine for the taking, so why am I holding myself back?”

Hopefully, even after reading this small passage by Allie – you are starting to feel less alone, more empowered and find comfort in the idea of moving forward.

7. Accept that your time was wasted and the relationship wasn’t real
Realise, no matter what they said, the relationship was not real. If it was, you would have known all the circumstances (including if they cheated, when and who it was with) and been able to have made an informed decision. If it was real and you had recognised that it was toxic for you… well there’s no way any rational person would be in it in the first place. So the person can say what they like, but the entire relationship was fake.

8. Use visualisation techniques
Visualise yourself collecting all the beautiful things you said to this person, all the good times, all the money you spent, the time you invested … and rip it off them! It’s like snatching back everything they have taken from you. Now that you’ve got all these emotions and beautiful words you said to them back and they’re clear of the toxic person, put it straight back on yourself. You deserve all the good you put into the relationship – they do not. So using visualisation you’re collecting all the good stuff back from the relationship (everything that’s yours and nothing they ever deserved), packing up all your hard efforts, boxing every sweet word and good deed you did, and then dumping it right back on yourself. Guess what they have now? Nothing! Empowering, huh?

9. Communicate with them using only visualisation techniques
Use visualisation to scream at the person: “You’re delusional! Everything was FAKE! I could never love you because I never knew you!” It may sound crazy but it’s quite cathartic! Everything you want to do to them or say to them do it in your mind. Play it all out and be done with it. It beats any consequences from actually becoming self-destructive.

10. Detox yourself as much as possible
Be strong! This is where hitting SHIFT DELETE (hard erasing on your computer, beyond any point of return) on your keyboard is your best friend. Go to any photo, any letter, any memory of that person. Select. SHIFT DELETE. Delete their phone number. Delete their email. Lose their address. Rip up every hard-copy photo. Bag up everything you want to return to them and be done with it. Go on a massive, deleting, destructive mission. By the end of it you will feel as though the relationship is just … ERASED! Don’t get me wrong: you won’t feel good, you won’t feel satisfied, you won’t get your smile back for a very, very long time … but it’s less painful stuff to look at and remember.

11. Lean on people around you for support
Make a pact with someone you really trust and love, that you will not be in touch with this person again. This means, while you’re vulnerable, you’ll be able to rely on the strength of others.

12. Quit asking yourself why and trying to figure out what was real
You’ve been stripped of your dignity, you’re hurting to capacity and now you’re finding yourself torturing yourself with a million questions: WHY WHY WHY! These questions are better left unanswered – and sometimes they don’t even come with answers – so instead of asking, accept the situation for what it is.

Don’t try to work out what was real because I can tell you now: it was all fake! If you had known the circumstances – would you really have been with that person in the way you were? Don’t give the toxic person the satisfaction of thinking it would be real had you have known the real scenario. Deep down they know it wasn’t real as well, otherwise they would have come clean about any deceit at the start.

If you are going to ask questions, ask them of yourself as a way of moving forward – this will empower you. Kris Carr wrote a really good blog about “How to identify and release toxic relationships”. Some of the questions you should be asking yourself to realise you were in a toxic relationship and start accepting the situation, come from her blog:
– Is the pain too great to stay the same?
– Do I constantly picture an alternate reality?
– Is it impossible to make boundaries?
– Is getting an apology (when it’s truly deserved) like pulling teeth?
– Does the relationship take more energy than it gives?
– Is blaming and complaining (coming from the toxic person) becoming really boring?
– Am I completely fatigued when I’m with that person and energetic when they’re gone?
– Am I afraid of what people will think of me if this relationship fails?
– Does the person make you feel as though you’ll be lost without them?
– Do I miss the old me?

I’ve walked away – now what?
Unfortunately there is no way to fast-track your way through dealing with the pain. There’s no potion to take it all away. Take every positive distraction possible. See a good life coach, psychotherapist or psychologist (preferably who specialises in relationships and domestic violence) if you need to. Chat to people – you’ll be surprised about how much support you receive. You need to sit with this incredible feeling of loneliness – it’s hurtful if they’ve left for someone else because your thoughts tell you they’re cosy, warm and feeling loved, while you’re left out in the cold – but don’t forget the truth: long-term, this relationship will not last either – and if it does, it’ll never be the same. There will always be discomfort, pain and mistrust. Consider your situation the lucky escape – well done, you’ve dodged a bullet!

Letting Go of Toxic Relationships

Love someone who hurt you

http://relationshipfree.com/all-about-toxic-relationships-and-how-to-let-go/

By Sarah Webb

Don’t be upset if people prefer another to you, it’s difficult to convince a monkey that strawberries are sweeter than bananas. Anonymous

Are you in a relationship that is making you feel bad about yourself? Are you doubting yourself or finding you’re having paranoid thoughts about your actions and their impact? Do you find yourself acting out in ways that you never have before? Are you constantly distressed and not sure if you’re relationship is coming or going? Are you isolated from your loved ones or has your self-esteem plummeted due to continuing this relationship? I bet you can’t recognise yourself anymore too… DROP IT LIKE IT’S HOT!

We have all encountered toxic people in our life, but for those of us unlucky enough to experience a toxic relationship, you will understand how these feelings and symptoms mentioned above crept subtly into your relationship and started affecting it, and how painful it is to let the person go – particularly because you will generally love them and care for them that little bit extra because they have needed you and dragged you down at the same time.

Sometimes we need to love someone from a distance and unfortunately this means the process of detoxing yourself from them. If your partner is putting you down, crushing your spirit or you have found out that they are cheating on you, this blog is for you. Today we look at how you can release yourself from a toxic relationship and get on with a happier life – even if it means being alone.

What is a toxic relationship?
A toxic relationship is one that makes you feel consistently bad about yourself. You may find yourself fending off subtle jabs or downright insults, dealing with unreliability or perhaps even deceit. A toxic relationship leaves you feeling anxious, unrewarded and unaccepted.

Still unsure? Check out this blog by Love Panky about the different types of toxic people and toxic-style relationships. In some cases, some of these can overlap, some people may check every box. As Natalie Avdeeva points out, the types of people who are toxic are:
– Controlling
– Jealous
– Bitchy
– Negative-thinking
– They put you down
– They cheat on you
– They lie to you (don’t put up with lies!)
– They’re abusive
– They blame you
– They are extremely insecure
– They’re demanding
– They’re over-the-top perfectionists
– They’re narcissistic
– They’re competitive
– They’re manipulative.

Here’s a checklist of symptoms of a toxic relationship:
– It feels as though no matter what you do or how hard you try, you can’t do anything right
– Are they constantly putting you down?
– Everything is about them and never about you, when you make it about you – they quickly manipulate it back to be about them again
– You find yourself unable to enjoy the good times
– Are you so emotionally dependant on each other that you can’t do anything alone?
– You’re uncomfortable being yourself (which is why you lose track of who you are!)
– They refuse to allow you to grow or change
– Is there a constant drama and it always feels so far out of your control?
– They start controlling you until you feel completely lost and confused.

If you answered ‘yes’ to two or more of these – these are your red flags … GET OUT NOW! GO!

Can you fix a toxic relationship?
Maybe … but at the time it is toxic, definitely not. You need to muster up all your courage and find a place to escape far away from the person. The following steps will hopefully lead you to a path where you’re feeling back on track rapidly. It is better to cut this person completely free from your life, and not consider any point of return, than to consider any kind of future with them. Whatever happens, do not encourage the bad behaviour. You deserve better!

What do I do if I suspect I’m in a toxic relationship but I’m not entirely sure?
Keep a diary – then no matter what they say, you can refer back and see what the reality was for yourself. By keeping a diary you will have a heap of evidence to validate your actions and words and it will help you to rebuild yourself quicker.

Throughout a toxic relationship, you’ll notice your self-esteem will plunge while the level of self-doubt rises so high that you feel like you’re drowning in it. Every time you’re left, you will hate yourself, blame yourself and become overwhelmed by guilt. By keeping a diary of how the person is making you feel, their actions and words, you can look back and go: “Hold up – no, the reality was this! Here’s what you said and did, here’s what I said and did.”

What if I stay?
The hard truth is: generally these relationships lead to the toxic person cheating on you. Talk about adding insult to injury! So after all the pain you’ve suffered as they’ve crushed your spirit, you also have the pain that you never truly had them to begin with. This is why it’s important that you acknowledge you’re in a toxic relationship and leave EARLY – to save yourself any further pain. Look out for the alarm bells and signs of a toxic relationship they come in all forms mentioned above.

Letting Go and Feeling Good About It

let-go1

Letting Go and Feeling Good About It

“Some people believe holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength. However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go and then do it.” — Ann Landers

Letting go isn’t easy, especially in relationships. And letting go of your marriage, spouse or partner can be one of the hardest things to do in life. Yet, it can be the most rewarding, positive, life-changing experience you will ever have. Letting go allows you to express your real self — the one that doesn’t require any attachments to feel safe or happy. Truth be told, your real self already has everything you need to feel secure and happy. Be willing to get to know the real you. That begins with letting go of those people (places or things) that you mistakenly believed brought you security and/or happiness. That belief (which you have the power to change) keeps you imprisoned and locked in a cycle of low self-worth, dependency, and misguided duty or obligation. Very unhealthy, to say the least.

There are other reasons why it’s good to let go. For one thing, it allows you to make room for new, positive experiences. When you let go of a person with whom you’ve had a relationship, you are in a position to create something totally new. It’s your chance to take all those things you loved about your past relationship as well as all those things you wished you had but didn’t, and combine them as your vision for your ultimate relationship. Of course, if you’re not ready for that, you can still use that opening to do something in your life you never had the chance to do before. Try something new!

But aside from the reasons why you should let go, there’s still the dilemma of how you’re going to feel good about it. It just doesn’t seem that easy when you’re letting go of someone you’ve loved or still love. But consider this: You, as a divine and creative being, have the power to choose to feel good about it. In my experience, this is something most people miss. We are conditioned to believe that letting go of a relationship, marriage, spouse or partner is going to make us feel bad. We don’t even consider the idea that we can actually choose to feel good about it. While it’s natural to feel sad over your loss, you don’t need to be stuck in that sadness for as long as you think. Know that the most crucial first step to feeling good about letting go is to simply decide to. Your decision about how your future experience will be determines your outcome. You have that power of choice, so use it!

This isn’t to deny or suppress your emotions. On the contrary, choosing to feel good about letting go actually helps to view and express them in a much healthier manner. You won’t dwell upon your grief and sadness, thereby perpetuating it even further. Instead, your emotions become more balanced as you detach from the drama of it all.

Once you make the decision to feel good about letting go, you can follow these suggestions to help that good feeling continue:

  • Stop forfeiting your time doing things you don’t love.Although it’s necessary to allot time to your responsibilities and obligations, don’t waste your time on thoughts or activities that consistently bring you down. Stop reading negative, angry or depressing posts, watching sad movies about lost love or listening to songs about heartache. They don’t serve you in the least. Use your time doing things that support what you love and enjoy — especially if it’s creative and fun. And do them without guilt.
  • Go out in nature.Nature has a very healing and uplifting effect. Spend at least 30 minutes a day outside. Connect with the earth, trees, plants and animals. If you can be near water, that’s even better! I believe that water is cleansing to the emotions and mental clutter. In time, your outing will help you to feel the energy of a positive, new beginning.
  • Happily daydream and wonder.Use the creative imagination of your inner child to wonder what it would be like if you had ______ or experienced ______ (but don’t include your ex in it, as that would defeat the purpose). Do this daily. Your joyful inner child is begging to be expressed, so let your imagination lead the way. When you think and dream of joyful and magical things, you become happier! And so what if you feel silly — being silly always brings a smile, right?

Once you let go, you allow the universe to step in to bring benefit to everyone involved — especially you. Benefit = goodness, health, happiness, prosperity, blessings, assistance…. the list goes on. Holding on creates unhealthy attachments that hurt everyone involved — especially you. By holding on and believing that letting go feels “bad,” you’re not going to see or feel the benefits. Your thoughts and beliefs about letting go are your biggest detractors so change them and decide to feel good about it. You just might find your newfound freedom feels good after all.

This article was written by Pamela Dussault, creator of www.PassageToInnerJoy.com.

When Letting Go is Hard To Do

This is a great article for all those people who search Letting Go on my blog every day. I think it takes as long as it takes. Which is never fast enough lol. I can honestly say I am on the other side now. It took much longer than I could have ever imagined to come to a place of indifference. But I’m so grateful and happy the pain is gone. I also have faith that someday I will know why it all happened and what it meant. All that matters is I have never been happier! I’m going where the love and great sex are!

When Letting Go is Hard To Do  http://theimperfectgirll.com/2015/10/12/when-letting-go-is-hard-to-do/

Why is it so hard to let go of people that continues to cause you pain?

If you think about it, it’s more painful to hold on, than it is to let go. But time and time again, we find ourselves holding on to toxic relationships, marriages, friendships, even family members, when everything…every clue…every sign is pointing to you LETTING GO and walking away.

How Many Chances?

 

never let u go

I know some people would rather I never mention a certain person EVER AGAIN lol. If that is the case, skip this post and come back tomorrow lol. Please let me be 100% clear.  This was how I felt IN THE PAST.  It is NOT how I feel anymore. I just wasn’t ready to let him go for so long.  I had so much love for him and hope that he would find his way back to me.  

Don’t you just love an eternal optimist? Well that’s definitely me!  I was so hurt, betrayed and angry but underneath it all was hope.  False hope is such a bitch!  Even more than Karma lol! It keeps you loving and missing someone long after they should be but a memory.  I was never as strong as everyone thinks I am.  I missed him so much, some days I didn’t know how I would make it through.

But somewhere along the way, I went from loving him to needing him.  It became unhealthy, like an addiction.  I kept needing more and more to satisfy me. I know now that it was my subconscious way of knowing that I was skating on thin ice and was about to fall through to the murky, icy waters below.  He wasn’t ready to build a life with me, even though he told me he was.  I guess deep down inside somewhere, I knew that.  That’s why I was so insecure.  When someone leaves you, it makes you feel insecure!

I realize now that it was extremely foolish and naive to think a relationship could’ve possibly worked out, especially back in November when his family threatened to disown him if he left so n so for me. We all need love and support from our family and friends. That’s what life is all about. Family, friends, love, laughter, relationships, and joy. His kids are the most important thing in his life, as they should be, and it’s stressful enough knowing your parents live separate lives.  To throw me in the mix would’ve hurt them and I never wanted that.  Kids don’t ask to be born and they deserve every chance for a happy, secure life.

An affair is, despite how you may feel while you are in it, an extra relationship. While mine wasn’t a secret from my hubby, I wasn’t open with him about it. Sometimes, it was like he was in a prison and I was stuck in there with him.  The insane part is that I was there through my own choice! At the time, I just wasn’t ready to face up to the big problem in my marriage, a lack of physical intimacy.

 All I know is he was able to put my love in a fuckin box!!!!  Wow, really dude?!?!  Well, if you are able to just stick my love in a box, then it couldn’t have meant that much to you in the first place.  Why are guys so much better than women at compartmentalizing?  It’s such a nifty ability when you want to lie to yourself and keep things separate in your head.  Just probably not the healthiest way to go through life. I think it’s a blessing in disguise I found out how damaged and addicted he was before I made any major changes in my life.

Why did I give him a few chances?!?!?!  When someone shows you who they really are, BELIEVE THEM!!!  But that’s the thing. Despite the fact that he hurt me, can I truly fault him for trying to save his marriage and family? Even though so n so’s a narcissist, they have still been married 19 years. Just another lesson. Affairs suck n cause everyone a lot of pain, even the cheater. That is one of the many lessons I have learned over the last 2 years.  I guess that was what this was all about. Teaching me lessons that I needed to learn.  And I absolutely have, whether I wanted to or not.

So how many chances do we give those we love before it’s enough??  How many chances before we must let go and wish them well?  And how many before it goes from loving someone to being a doormat?

more-chances-disrespecting-you-8w5t

Holding On vs. Letting Go

I let him go

I have never been a woman that takes long to get over relationships. It shocks me that it has taken 8 months to finally let go of P and be at peace with shutting that door for good.  I just kept holding on because I was so certain he was my future. That he could be strong enough to break free from the cycle of narcissistic abuse.  That he would figure it out before it was too late.  He wasn’t and he didn’t.  And that’s okay because it doesn’t mean we didn’t love one another very much.  It just means he’s not ready to leave his prison of loneliness and dysfunction. I am still angry sometimes but I guess I will take anger over sadness lol.

why we hold on

This is so friggin true!! Do you want to know why I held on so tightly for so long and refused to let go?  Because most of the time it was amazing. Our love was special in a way I had never known. I have never felt that way about anyone before in my whole life.  Believe me, he wasn’t perfect at all lol! That man has more issues and baggage than an airport terminal. He was just perfect for me and I thought that I was perfect for him.  We used to marvel at how his crazy fit my crazy.  But he’s so afraid of making changes or mistakes. A lot of that is his generalized anxiety disorder.  And that’s okay because it’s his choice.  My choice is to move on without him in my life anymore.

I gave him 2 years and that was plenty of time to get his shit together.  Like DaVinci said “A life without love is no life at all.” He just thinks he’s wasted 8 years, what’s a few more months?

Well a few months was the difference between my holding on and my letting go.  We all make choices.  He’s made his to stay unhappy and unloved and I’ve made mine to cut him out of my life completely and irrevocably.  I think he really just thought I would happily wait til he was finally ready. Obviously I guess he never truly understood me.  Patience has always been a struggle for me and I admit that.  I know how short life is and I don’t intend to waste mine pining for anyone!

movingon

This quote makes me laugh because it was exactly how I felt those first few days.  It’s still hard to look back and realize just how much pain I was in.  Thankfully, I am living, finally moving on and I am happy.  I had to realize that I don’t actually NEED anyone to live, even P. I do believe there was a purpose to all of this. Unlike P, I learn from my mistakes and pain so that I don’t repeat them.  I will make new ones 😉

Go where the love and great sex is my friends!

In Case You Forget. Love, Your Heart

stay away

Don’t worry. I’m fine. I promise. I just wanted this for the next time I forget and miss someone who doesn’t even seem to remember how much he once loved me. Someone who is afraid of love and has nothing left to offer me. Someone who threw away his soulmate because he needs time.

I know how precious and special love is. I know if it matters, it’s worth fighting for. But you can’t be the only one fighting. So when someone gives up on you and breaks your heart? Remember that they are the ones that are worse off. Because they had a pure and true love and they threw it away. They have to live with that.

Some people choose to waste years of their life just waiting patiently. They think this makes them good and honorable. At some point, living in denial and refusing to see the truth is just cowardly. But the rest of us know life is just way too short to live in a web of lies we tell ourselves. We know love is all that matters. And a life without love is no life at all. Be brave and follow your heart, no matter where it takes you.

Why Do You Stay? My Closure Through Understanding

Sometimes the biggest gift we can give ourselves is letting go. For me personally, letting go n feeling closure comes from knowledge and understanding. I find it brings me comfort and healing. While I get that it probably makes little to no difference, it helps me process and is a necessary step for me to move on. I also know that closure is completely impossible with a narcissist, so stop waiting and trying for something you cannot have.

Over the last year I have read and learned a lot about Narcissism, a personality disorder that affects 6.2% of the population. So so (P’s wife) is a frigid narcissist with low emotional intelligence.

I needed to understand how someone could CHOOSE to stay married to someone so selfish, incapable of empathy, distant, cold, completely fake, unaffectionate, shallow and a really shitty mother (I’m paraphrasing 13 year old daughter’s therapist) and wife. I was able to find some answers.

While I now know how and why it happens, I will never accept denying the truth and continuing on with the charade. Especially when you see the damage continuing to live this pathetic sham has done and continues to do to your children.

I don’t blame P for being so damaged and screwed up. But I do blame him for knowing the truth and staying unhappy. Because he’s too weak, complacent, addicted and scared to leave, he shows his kids he doesn’t count. He has also taught them that you can get what you want by bullying and manipulation with little to no consequences.

They won’t see that he sacrificed his happiness for theirs because they aren’t happy in the fake, toxic environment in which they live! Teenagers see and know a lot. They feel the lack of love and affection between P and the narcissist. They don’t need a manservant who lets their Mom bully and control him while she lives a single life. They need a strong, loving father to teach them self-control, guidance and discipline. His heart is in the right place but he’s totally screwing it up. I fear this will never change as long as he’s in denial and his therapist has no clue what he’s dealing with.

As for me, I am going to enjoy the summer with my dear H, my family, great friends and eventually forget all about this chapter of my life. I do feel lucky to have experienced great joy, love, passion and happiness for a while. But the pain, loss, misery, sadness, abandonment and damage to my self-esteem was simply not worth it.

Do I regret loving someone who has no idea how to love n be loved? I’m still not sure. I think I’m just disappointed by his lack of caring for me and his unwillingness to make necessary changes. But I hope he figures it out one day n finds real love. Hopefully someone without a personality disorder 🙂

“Remember, you don’t need to be out of the relationship to start feeling better.Whether you’re in it or out of it, the recovery needs to start now. You can mentally break free from your toxic partner whether you’re maintaining “no contact” or still struggling with it, whether your suffering through another silent treatment and expecting a return, or whether this person is hoovering right now to get you back. The more you wait, the more time you waste.”

Why do so many amazing people develop such a twisted codependency to the narcissistic nonsense? Well, I believe that it starts with the passive-aggressive conditioning put upon us by the narcissist– conditioning that is fully intended to make us feel desperate and insecure within the relationship. Since desperation and insecurity are two of the biggest causes of codependency, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to make the connection. We, ourselves, become part of the chaos and turmoil and, during the invoking of a silent treatment we become part of the deafening silence. In essence, we turn our hope for a happy ending into a codependency that never ends happily.

Our codependency to the narcissistic game of cat and mouse builds gradually – just as the narcissist intends. The more gradual the build, the less likely we are to even notice our demise until we are smack dab in the middle of the shit! At that point, we are almost powerless to pull out because there’s always more to do, to find out, to investigate, and more bullshit to put up with. We hope and pray that this time it will be different…that we can love the narcissist out of her/his crappy behavior. But we never can and we never will.

The victim of narcissistic abuse spends a good deal of their waking life in a relationship with a person who neglects them on every level and will, in a moment’s notice, abandon them. Maybe not physically leave, but they will never be there to love and support you. You are forever trying to figure out “the secrets” – of which there are many (although they will state otherwise) – and this can take hour after consuming hour as the desperation mounts. Keeping the codependency alive and strong in their victim/partner is very much a requirement of the narcissist’s pathological agenda.

The victim, in much the same way, actually becomes addicted to the agenda as well but receives far less pleasure than the narcissist who literally thrives off of their partner’s unrequited love suffering.

Codependency in relationships is hard enough without the other partner having a personality disorder that can never be fixed. When narcissism becomes part of the equation, life takes a much sharper and far more miserable turn than ever before. Codependents will usually accept themselves as being damaged in order to “fix” another person.

Breaking this type of codependency is difficult because we associate the desperation that we feel with our love for the perpetrator. This causes mental confusion and an anxious willingness to hang in there…. to try it one more time because maybe she’ll change. A few weeks go by and they are being nicer. They might even go to therapy with you a few times. But sadly it never lasts long. Then, before we know it, years and sometimes decades have passed and everything is exactly the same as its always been.

You cannot truly be there for your kids while you are still under the narcissist’s spell. This is very different than most separations. In most cases of separation, you stay to help your kids. But with a narcissist, staying abused only continues the dysfunctional family dynamics. This leaves your children far more confused and unhappy than if they had one stable parent.

Like any addiction to a bad thing, our codependency to the narcissistic behaviors and tactics of our partner must be dealt with seriously and in an effective manner that will give us lasting results.

For our own sanity, we must certainly be accountable.

Much of this post comes from Zari Ballard’s 2 books. Although I don’t sell anything on my blog, I think these 2 books are definitely worth $5.99.

So if any of this resonates with you at all, please read them and all the information available, find a therapist experienced with narcissism, codependency and narcissistic abuse, get stronger, break free and change your life.

Lesson learned. If something seems to good to be true, it probably is lol.

For a Limited Time, Get 2-4-1:
When Love Is a Lie &  Stop Spinning, Start Breathing
http://www.thenarcissisticpersonality.com/pre-order-special/

Do you have a narcissistic partner? Are you tired of being subjected to emotional manipulation and silent treatments?  Are you desperate to make sense of the madness yet afraid to ask questions? Are you willing to go No Contact but don’t have the slightest idea where to begin and what to do if the narcissist hoovers? Well, if you haven’t read Zari Ballard’s Amazon Best Seller When Love Is a Lie and the interactive workbook companion book, Stop Spinning, Start Breathing,  you’re missing out on a chance to escape the misery once and for all.

Sometimes Goodbye Is The Only Thing Left To Say

I have thought long and hard about us P. I really believe it’s not what you want or will ever want. I don’t know if you are just too damaged from years of abuse n manipulation or you’re brain is too addicted to the cycle of abuse. Yes it changes your brain like porn does so that you crave the narcissistic abuser.

All I know is yes we had a very special and deep love once. But it’s been 7 long months and you were ready, willing and able to put that love, the only real love u ever had, in a box. That’s unforgivable and it hurt me way too much. 

You are addicted to thinking u love a manipulative, selfish narcissistic woman who can never and will never be capable of real love, affection or intimacy. That is not going to make you happy but it will make you miserable. 

I know now that whatever we had or could’ve had is over and dead. You actually said u wished I was 35!?! What the hell is wrong with you? Oh yes let me keep waiting for you to get your head out of your ass for a few more years lol. NO!!!!!

I actually had this nightmare of you finally leaving and then months later telling me you need to date other women your Mom set you up with. And I realized if I’m not the woman in your heart now? Then I never will be nor do I choose to be someday in the future. 

I choose (Hubby) 100% now and forever. He is what I want and what I need. He is stable and doesn’t mentally abuse me. He adores me. Get it? You are very damaged and I feel so sorry about that. But you had the love of a good woman n you chose to crawl back to a bad one. 

Now you are free to live an unsatisfying life full of childish games, tricks, and manipulations. Or you can find the strength, determination and backbone I always believed you had and free yourself once and for all from this pathetic excuse for a marriage.  Either way I wish you well but I do not want you in my life for any reason or at any time.

I know it will hurt a little and I do miss you but it is what is best for ME. Please do not respond to this message. I don’t want to continue any sort of relationship of any kind with you. Respect my wishes and stay away permanently. You destroyed what we shared and there is absolutely nothing left to salvage. All you did in the end was hurt me over and over again. THAT is NOT LOVE it’s sick!

I am going where the love is. Love, not suffering. My man loves me and he loves that I talk, write and think too much. He values me and that is what makes me happy. I was wrong about us and wrong about you. I thought you were stronger and that you would love me and we would be so happy together touching feet. I hope you find that simple love again one day. 

And I hope you find a woman who can accept all your issues, problems, quirks, anxieties and love them like I did once. Because they were a part of you and I loved each fussy, hairy inch lol. I hope you feel like you’re home when you are inside her like you did with me. 

I even loved your kids because they were the most important thing to you. I wanted to show (daughter) she could be loved for who she is inside and show her she would never be abandoned even though her Mom is different and not like loving, caring Moms and that she was ok and it had NOTHING to do with her. I wanted to discuss literature and philosophy with (son). And I love board games.

This is the last contact I will have with you. I do not want to speak to you, see you, or even hear your name again. You have made your bed so lie in it. If you love me please just let me go!

A new day, a new withdrawal

'I know it's hard, ma'am, but the worst is over. The vomiting and severe shakes are nearly gone...'

Oh my god does this suck!!!  Uggh!! Withdrawal symptoms are back with a vengeance today. I am sad, weepy, disappointed and pissed off at P and myself all at once!  So I blocked him on Facebook, not because he will contact but to help myself keep the hell away from something that only ends up hurting me in the end.  Now I remember why they say NO CONTACT at all!  Thanks, P!  Seriously, I know as an addict I must take responsibility for my own actions. I did this to myself.  But just like his brain is damaged and addicted from years of mental abuse conditioning by so so, mine is conditioned to miss him and want him. Just like a drug addict needs a fix and an alcoholic needs a drink, I want to hear his voice or see his face.  It is that simple.

I have been great and happy,  totally good right?  No problem.  Said goodbye and went back to my life.  I had a great relaxing, uneventful weekend with hubby, which was way past due lol.  We have had parties (Holy Communions, Graduations, Memorial Celebrations, etc.) every single weekend for the last 2 months.  Now I realize what a blessing that was. Not only did I have a heck of a lot of fun with hubby, family and friends but I had something to occupy my time and help me forget P.

I guess I just feel like a fool for still caring about him after all he has said and done over the last 7 months.  I honestly don’t know how in love with him I am anymore.  Back then I adored him and just wanted to spend time with him.  He made me truly enjoy life and all the simplest pleasures it has to offer.  We had so many adventures and always met the funniest, most interesting people on our journeys.  I have to start doing that with my H again.  It might never be quite as magical because of the way my heart bonded with his, but it also won’t hurt like hell either.

Thankfully this is just a small blip in a very happy and joyful life.  I’m not gonna lie or bs anyone that is experiencing heartbreak, the end of an affair or the loss of any important relationship. 7 months ago the pain was so unbearable and intense, there were days when I didn’t think I would make it or if I even wanted to.  But I have to believe that every experience teaches us something on our journey of life.  What this taught me besides DON’T HAVE AN AFFAIR, I am still figuring out lol.

While I regret so much, I simply cannot regret meeting and loving P.  It changed me in so many ways and hopefully for the better.  He made me want to do better, to be a better person.  Not many people have inspired me like that just through their love for me.  I would like to believe that I made him a better person and in the end, changed his life for the better.  It opened my eyes to living again after my Mom died.  And the kissing for hours and amazing sex that just kept getting better was pretty damn wonderful. We could literally talk about anything and everything, no subject was too weird, taboo or awkward.  I have never had that with anyone else in my lifetime (although my Mom and H come close).  Why was that?  I guess I will never know the significance.  I was in a cocoon and P helped me emerge a beautiful butterfly. I think maybe now it’s just time for me to finally fly away.

We all make choices and decisions in life, for one reason or another.  Whether it’s because of love, fear, anger, sadness, jealousy or because it feels safe and comfortable, I don’t know.  But those choices have consequences and we have to live with them until we have the courage to CHANGE. Narcissists cannot change what they are but the rest of us that do not have some sort of personality disorder can.  So even when we feel weak, stuck or unworthy, we must remember we are not only worthy of love, we deserve it.  We need good healthy love in our life in some way.

I know I will be happy in my life, no matter what happens.  I also know that I have to take my own advice.  I have to Go Where the Love Is!  Not where my heart wants to be but where I am loved, appreciated and cared for.  I am going to focus all my energy on letting go and moving on this summer.  No more looking back, it is time to turn the page and start a new chapter.  Now I’m feeling excited and smiling, not crying and sad 🙂

“For what it’s worth: It’s never too late to be whoever you want to be. I hope you live a life you’re proud of, and if you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start over.”
— F. Scott Fitzgerald

Houston, We Have Contact.

Uggh!  Why did I pick up that stupid phone?  He had emailed, called my work, my home and my cell.  I was good and ignored, but he wouldn’t let it go until he spoke to me.  Told me he has been miserable and is getting separated.  He misses me and could we just meet for dinner?  I laughed and said NO WAY!  I said it twenty different ways over the next 2 days.  But we did talk and laughed for about an hour.  And that’s all it took for my addicted brain to get rehooked!!!

Then we spoke the next day and he told me he was really upset because his son who never cries, cried all night when he found out about the separation.  He is scared to hurt the kids and now she wants to try (I guess the last 7 months were just practice?) because it upset her too.

I understand that this is extremely difficult and whatever he decides he feels he’s doing something wrong.  If he stays, she will never be anything more than a really nice roommate.  She hasn’t shown him love and affection in 20 years, she won’t start now.  If he goes, he feels like he failed, broke up his family and hurt his kids for his own happiness.  It’s a no win situation.  And I want no part of it.

So the best thing I can do for myself and for him is to take myself out of the equation.  Time is what he needs and time is what he shall get.  I choose NOT to be in his life, now or in the future.  I’ve thought about this long and hard.  I needed to be really honest with myself.

I don’t want to be with him for a lot of reasons.  I don’t trust him anymore and I don’t think I would ever be willing to take the chance necessary to make a successful relationship.  How could I ever be happy with someone that continues to make such shitty choices?  Most importantly, I would always feel like second choice to a frigid narcissist and that just wouldn’t make me happy.  Life is way too short to put up with such bullshit lol.

It’s funny, all his health problems, anxiety disorder, quirky fussiness, etc. never diminished my love for him.  But the fact that he could hurt me so much and be okay with himself?  Like there’s something wrong with me for having been so shattered? That says a lot about a person. That kind of made me finally admit that he’s not the man I thought he was.  He should stay with so so and pretend he’s happy for the rest of his life.

My choice is my H, who has never ever made me feel like second choice and who has never left me, even when things were rough.

Goodbye P and good luck.  I don’t need to know how your story ends because I know it won’t be with me. For the first time in 7 months knowing that doesn’t hurt, it makes me happy.

I actually told him to go where the love is lol. For me that is a bright and happy future with my husband. I am finally at peace. He needs to find his own.

If They Love You

 

Man walking at sunset

 

Love is more black and white than we like to tell ourselves. Don’t allow anyone to keep you trapped in the “promise” of the gray area. The bottom line is: If they love you, TRULY love you, they’ll do whatever it takes to be with you. There won’t be excuses or doubts or fears or hesitation. Love is ACTION. Everything else is just words.
~Mandy Hale – The Single Woman

This is what I have to keep reminding myself.  No, we cannot choose who we fall in love with.  But we can choose to keep going back to those that break us down with empty words and unfulfilled promises OR we can love ourselves enough to realize we don’t need anyone to be happy.  We think we cannot live without them, but we can.  We just have to accept what we can’t change.

P keeps calling me, at home and at work and on my cell.  I have blocked him as much as I can, but at work I just don’t answer private calls.  He says he’s getting separated.  I will believe that when I see it lol.  But even so, it still has nothing to do with me.

As for me, I am going to continue to go where the love is.

Out of the Fire and into the Frying Pan

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He emailed me Thursday and I didn’t see it until Saturday.  Nothing much, just about kids, how he doesn’t go on facebook or text and email much anymore, and then he wrote “I really hope from the bottom of my heart that things are better for you.” What the hell does that even mean?!?

I will never truly understand how he went from saying he had me “securely in his mind, heart and soul” and wanting a life with me to days later he was going to stay and go to counseling.  He asked her for 7 years to go n she only agreed after he said he wanted a divorce. It just hurts n makes me feel sad. It will always feel like he chose her over me. I know it’s not that simple. He adores his kids and he has anxiety disorder n MS. He’s fine and you would never know he has it but it’s still there and effects his daily life.  His kids are 17 n 13. They know nothing of a real loving relationship because they don’t see one. She sleeps on the couch most nights and he takes care of the kids.  And that’s fine.  She also knew about me almost from the very beginning. A few months ago she even asked why he couldn’t just keep using porn like he’s always done all these years (instead of sex)!!

It just wasn’t the normal “affair” relationship at all.  I even spoke to his Mom after we broke up because she asked to speak to me. Said she wanted to talk to the woman her son was so in love with.  But that’s a story for another time LOL.

We actually fought more than we did with our spouses lol.  I didn’t let him get away with stuff and he didn’t let me.  We also had totally different communication styles (mine is extensive while his was non-existent lol) and it took us a while to meet somewhere in the middle.  We supported one another and I would like to think that we fulfilled one another, at least until the end.

Do I sometimes wish things had been different, that he had been braver and had more faith in himself and us?  Of course I do.  He was very special to me for almost 2 years.  We made one another happier than I ever knew was even possible, but it was definitely NOT that oh this affair is all fantasy and not real life kind of happy lol.  I got him to go back into pain management for his back pain.  I helped him refinance his mortgage.  

So and so and her brother-in-law used to compliment him on how sickly toned and taut his legs are. I realized that his legs weren’t just really strong and cut, it is a common symptom of the MS and NOT a good thing!!! Spasticity is a state of increased tone of a muscle (and an increase in the deep tendon reflexes). For example, with spasticity of the legs (spastic paraplegia) there is an increase in tone of the leg muscles so they feel tight and rigid, like they are about to snap.  It can be be very painful if not treated.  He went on baclofen and it helps him a lot. All she cared about was that they looked good!! Wtf?!?

People say oh an Affair is just fantasy, there’s no real life distractions, issues, or problems.   Yes maybe for most but that was most definitely NOT our experience!  If it was supposed to be like a fantasy, with just sex and room service, then I really want a refund. LOL

I am happy to not have to deal with all the dysfunctional bullshit in his life and being treated like an emotional yo-yo. In the end, he was a cake eater.  He wanted to keep me as his love and her as his marriage/parenting partner.  And in the end he has lost us both.  She might be there in body, but that’s all.  In 20 years she’s never truly loved him, why start now?

I will not email him back because there’s nothing more to say. In many ways, the man I loved and adored is gone and there is a stranger in his place. Not the man who called me his soulmate and the love of his life.  I don’t know this person and because of his choices, I have no reason to.

Our story is over and our time is up. I just wish my heart would get the message and finally let go. His gave up a long time ago.

Painful to Say Goodbye

by Brigitte
It’s really painful to say goodbye to someone that you don’t want to let go of, but it’s even more painful to hold on to them if they never wanted to stay in the first place. If someone doesn’t show you the same love that you show them, and acts as if you are unimportant most of the time, this may be a big clue as to the fact that you don’t need them in your life either. The only people you truly need in your life are those who respect you and want you to be in theirs.

For me, this has been one of the lessons I have had the most trouble adhering to.  It’s so simple and true.  But yet, my heart just kept trying.  I’m a pretty intelligent person who has never taken crap from any guy.  So why did I try so hard to hold on to our relationship? He made me believe in him and us.  But it wasn’t reality. It was self-destructive to have any contact with him at all.  Why do I keep letting him back in my life and in my heart?  What was it about him that I responded so deeply to?  It scares me that I gave my heart and soul to someone who was so wonderful, who said he felt the same and then showed the opposite.

I honestly became addicted to him and his love, needing more and more to feel good.  

One of the hardest things for love addicts experiencing a break up is breaking their denial. Denial is the PRIMARY psychological symptom of addiction. Denial is one of the reasons that recovery from love addiction isn’t effective. You cannot overcome a problem unless you come to fully accept that it exists. Denial comes in the form of:

-Ignoring how unhealthy the relationship actually was

-Believing getting back the relationship will solve the problems.

-Convincing yourself, it will “be different” next time.

-Not accepting the relationship is over.

-Believing the avoidant partner can be someone different from he or she is.

-Holding on to the fantasy you created from the beginning of the relationship.

-False hope that you can fix things.
I have to accept my powerlessness over my love addiction and the chaos and unmanageability it has brought into my life.

I know P is not a bad man, he’s actually pretty sweet.  He’s just not good for me and that’s what matters.

 

 

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