Date Night: Its cheaper than therapy.

Love this post!!! It really does help to make just a little couple time at least once a month.

Source: Date Night: Its cheaper than therapy.

Hubby and I have been married for ten years. Although that’s not a terribly long time in the big scheme of things, we tend to find that amongst most of our married friends we are usually the ‘OG couple’, so to speak. So every now and again we’re asked for

advice on how to keep the love going strong. To which my immediate response is usually “Chile! PRAYER and WINE!”

But no, really…The single best advice that I can offer is to make date night a priority. Its the best advice because its something that literally every couple, in any stage of their relationship, can benefit from. It doesn’t matter if you’ve just gotten engaged or have been married for decades. Whether every thing is peachy-keen or if you guys have been on each other’s nerves lately [because lets face it, we all experience ebbs and flows in partnerships].  Its probably the only one-size-fits-all advice for couples.

Date night allows a couple to nurture their fundamental relationship as romantic partners. Not as parents, not as household contributors. Its way too easy to let all the hustle and bustle of married life take precedence over maintaining the foundation from which all of that organized chaos started from!

See the rest of the post at  Date Night: Its cheaper than therapy.

Yikes!

Ok this search term on my blog definitely warranted a post.

“Husband begging me to let him have sex with my best friend. “

You cannot make this stuff up! How can women have so little self-respect that this is even an option? Honestly, if my husband was begging me to have sex with another woman? Well after he woke up from his coma? He’d be served with divorce papers. I guess that’s why he didn’t ask before he cheated. 

I’m sad that we have gotten so far from love, respect and fidelity that this is ok. Maybe I’m a little cranky from my own lack of sex but it just seems greedy to me. Am I wrong?

Ghosts of Exes Past

It always makes me laugh how life unfolds. In my experience, usually NOT at all the way we hoped or expected. After overcoming a lot of things, I have learned to lean into the curves and continue to grow through adversity and heartbreak.

I have only had my heartbroken twice in my life. Once when I was 21 and the other last year.  The first guy to ever break my heart was Brian and he was my first real love.  I was sure we were meant to be lol. I’m actually cringing as I write this. It sounds so silly and naive now. We were complete opposites and had nothing in common. Except an incredible physical chemistry and an intense sexual chemistry.  Looking back after all these years, you always see things much clearer. I think because the sex was incredible I mistook it for a deeper spiritual connection.  He had a drinking problem, no ambition and while he did chase after me for months, eventually it became obvious that he was kind of a selfish jerk. But 2 tumultuous years later, when he broke up with me, I was absolutely devastated. It actually makes me laugh now how it was the worst thing that could ever happen and I thought I would never be happy again.  A few months later, we got back together and then I finally saw him as he was, not how I wanted him to be. I dumped him a few months later and never looked back.

A few years after I was married, Brian found me on Facebook and proceeded to tell me I was the love of his life. He never should have let me go and he still loves me, blah blah blah. All I could think of to say was, “What friggin relationship were you in?!?” LOL I was married, quite happily and had no intention of ever cheating on my H.  On my birthday he posted all these love songs to me, and a few other inappropriate things that just made me laugh. My H is a good sport and after I told Brian to cut it out, he stopped.

So last week, Brian texts me the day after I told my H that I was going to need some sort of pass to have sex. I said I wouldn’t have it with P and he didn’t have to worry but I was going to lose my mind.

Ex-boyfriends must have a homing beacon that lets them know when you’re vulnerable lol. I thought Brian might be the perfect candidate. We have history, I’m obviously comfortable with him, and there is absolutely NO chance of me falling for him again. Like I have said before, I love fiercely and with my whole heart. But when I’m finally done, I am just done. There is no going back EVER!

He was speechless when I told him about the sexless marriage. He told me that in 2 years, he NEVER once remembers me saying not now, I’m not in the mood, I have a headache, or EVER turning down sex. LOL!! He’s single and quickly asked me if I would let him cook me dinner sometime.

But honestly?  After talking to him a few times? He’s still the same selfish jerk he was 20 years ago.  I guess that’s why he’s single and has never been married. So I took a pass and wished him luck.

That’s the thing about heartbreak, you can’t plan for it or avoid it. But hopefully you can learn from it and not repeat the same old mistakes.

Blow Up

marriage doomed
I guess this has been coming for a while.  I left my husband a note this morning telling him how disappointed I am that he has done nothing to try to improve the sexless state of our marriage. I stressed how serious I am about separating in January if things do not drastically improve and I’m so devastated that he isn’t even trying to fight for me and for us. He left me a voicemail apologizing and saying he will try harder and things will get better. I’ve heard all that before. Then we spoke and argued and I blew up and told him I’ve waited so much longer than I should have. Life is too short to waste it. I said I’m not willing to stay without sex, kissing and romantic love ANYMORE. Our problems are not just his fault, they’re ours (cause he said oh you’re perfect it’s all me). But the truth is only 1 of us refuses sex.
I said I’m so sorry you’re hurting but I’m hurting too. I miss love and I cant be unhappy n unloved any longer. I just can’t. He said he is not well and I said I know that. He said I love you! and I’m stressed! So I said I know I can be a crazy bitch but I deserve and need to be desired and made love to. He said he agrees lol. I said he doesn’t love me enough to share sex and love and I am not waiting another 2 months. I want a sex life now! Either go to the dr, explain you’re depressed n ask to try testosterone because it helps with low libido and depression or I’m done.  I know I shouldn’t feel bad but I do.  I do not want to hurt him anymore than he already is but I AM GOING TO LOSE MY MIND! Then of course he had to hit me like 5 times with the fact that his Mom died 2 months ago.  As much as I get that and I have tried to be patient, it’s just been way too long for me to accept that. So I feel sad, horribly insensitive and angry at the same time.

Freedom

love-quote-for-freedom

love in such a way

I am feeling a lot better about the whole Putz thing. For so long I have felt like he chose her over me. Honestly, I have never felt as unwanted, not good enough, ugly and abandoned in my whole life as I have this past year. As you can imagine, it was pretty terrible and, not to mention, completely ego crushing. Thankfully, I have a healthy self-image and I know I’m pretty and sexy. But it still threw me into a tailspin for a while.

Recently I have realized that he didn’t choose her over me. It’s always upset him whenever I said this because he said it’s just not true. He chose to try to fix what he already had rather than leave and start over. I cannot fault him for marrying such a trashy woman 20 years ago when he was young and idiotic. But now? Knowing all he knows about who she is, what she has done and what she is capable of? I think only a fool would choose to stay with such a selfish, shallow woman who lies and manipulates on such a regular basis. Put aside the shoplifting and giving his sister stolen baby clothes (yeah that sister will NEVER forgive her lol). Even put aside being such a shitty wife and mother. Both his sisters and his Mom have told him she spent years slowly and methodically turning his own family against him for no reason!!!  Who does that?  And what kind of person says ok, I can forgive you for my family treating me like dirt for the last decade? LOL He is sooo far from perfect and has more issues, illnesses and baggage than an airport but he is not knowingly destructive to anyone but himself. Well, him and me. He definitely destroyed my once unwavering faith and belief in him and us. Whatever his reasons and excuses, the fact is that it’s time to close this extremely painful chapter of my life and leave the love I had for him in the past.

I spent all this year missing the man he was, not the man he has become. That is a huge difference. He is now a stranger to me, and not someone I want a relationship with. And that’s perfectly okay. I cannot say that he has been good to me in a very long time. But in all honesty, I have also been less than gracious many, many times this past year (ok fine, I was kind of crazy lol). I was just so unbelievably hurt, angry, sad, lost, betrayed and broken for such a long time and it has taken me this whole year to put myself back together. I have many friends here to thank for that as well as my family and friends. So thank you to all of you for your unending kindness, support, humor, compassion and love. Finding WordPress and starting a blog has truly changed my life for the better.

But at the end of the day, more than anyone, I have to thank my husband. He is an extremely good man and a lovely person. I love him with all my heart and while I still don’t know if we will make it as husband and wife, he will always be my family and nothing can change that.

I just really want to be happy and I am most days. Happiness comes from within and I have always had that. I feel free and I’m grateful for all the many blessings in my life.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!  I am moving forward, going where the love and great sex is!

Men and Women As Friends

Can men and women actually just be friends? Or will sex and attraction always get in the way?

I just found out last night that I wasn’t invited to my close guy friend C’s wedding! He told me about it 2 years ago and asked me to save the date. And why was I not invited? Because while I have always thought of him as a little brother, he thinks I’m hot n obviously she’s insecure. But he doesn’t have a lot of friends or family and we’ve been close for about 7 years. I treated him and his Mom like family.

I knew he was attracted to me but I’ve known him for so long and it’s never been a problem. I’ve always been married and he totally respected that. My Dad n I met him n his Mom thru a bereavement group n all became friends. C n I were really close. My husband doesn’t like him that much but he has never said don’t b friends!

The worst part is that he didn’t even have the courage to call me and let me know. Just invited my Dad and his girlfriend! Are you friggin kidding me? I texted him and he ignored me. Then he texted the next day and apologized. Said they have been battling for months over me!?! I had no idea and I still don’t get it. There was never ever anything between us except friendship. She must be extremely jealous and really insecure to not want me invited. It’s just so crazy and I’m hurt. I’ve only met her a few times but I was always very kind to her. She had gastric bypass surgery because she was really heavy. She’s about half the size she used to be and I thought that was awesome. I just don’t get some women. I am not a waifish supermodel! WTF?!?

Well that friendship is flushed down the tubes. If he had just told me how she felt, I would’ve been hurt but it’s her day and I would never want to upset anyone’s wedding day, no matter how silly it is. But then to invite my Dad?!? My Dad had no idea I wasn’t invited when he agreed to go. I’m just over it. I actually used to invite them places cause he doesn’t have many friends and I felt bad.

And I never said anything about the fact that he dated 2 other women at the same time he was dating her! They deserve each other lol!

How Many Chances?

 

never let u go

I know some people would rather I never mention a certain person EVER AGAIN lol. If that is the case, skip this post and come back tomorrow lol. Please let me be 100% clear.  This was how I felt IN THE PAST.  It is NOT how I feel anymore. I just wasn’t ready to let him go for so long.  I had so much love for him and hope that he would find his way back to me.  

Don’t you just love an eternal optimist? Well that’s definitely me!  I was so hurt, betrayed and angry but underneath it all was hope.  False hope is such a bitch!  Even more than Karma lol! It keeps you loving and missing someone long after they should be but a memory.  I was never as strong as everyone thinks I am.  I missed him so much, some days I didn’t know how I would make it through.

But somewhere along the way, I went from loving him to needing him.  It became unhealthy, like an addiction.  I kept needing more and more to satisfy me. I know now that it was my subconscious way of knowing that I was skating on thin ice and was about to fall through to the murky, icy waters below.  He wasn’t ready to build a life with me, even though he told me he was.  I guess deep down inside somewhere, I knew that.  That’s why I was so insecure.  When someone leaves you, it makes you feel insecure!

I realize now that it was extremely foolish and naive to think a relationship could’ve possibly worked out, especially back in November when his family threatened to disown him if he left so n so for me. We all need love and support from our family and friends. That’s what life is all about. Family, friends, love, laughter, relationships, and joy. His kids are the most important thing in his life, as they should be, and it’s stressful enough knowing your parents live separate lives.  To throw me in the mix would’ve hurt them and I never wanted that.  Kids don’t ask to be born and they deserve every chance for a happy, secure life.

An affair is, despite how you may feel while you are in it, an extra relationship. While mine wasn’t a secret from my hubby, I wasn’t open with him about it. Sometimes, it was like he was in a prison and I was stuck in there with him.  The insane part is that I was there through my own choice! At the time, I just wasn’t ready to face up to the big problem in my marriage, a lack of physical intimacy.

 All I know is he was able to put my love in a fuckin box!!!!  Wow, really dude?!?!  Well, if you are able to just stick my love in a box, then it couldn’t have meant that much to you in the first place.  Why are guys so much better than women at compartmentalizing?  It’s such a nifty ability when you want to lie to yourself and keep things separate in your head.  Just probably not the healthiest way to go through life. I think it’s a blessing in disguise I found out how damaged and addicted he was before I made any major changes in my life.

Why did I give him a few chances?!?!?!  When someone shows you who they really are, BELIEVE THEM!!!  But that’s the thing. Despite the fact that he hurt me, can I truly fault him for trying to save his marriage and family? Even though so n so’s a narcissist, they have still been married 19 years. Just another lesson. Affairs suck n cause everyone a lot of pain, even the cheater. That is one of the many lessons I have learned over the last 2 years.  I guess that was what this was all about. Teaching me lessons that I needed to learn.  And I absolutely have, whether I wanted to or not.

So how many chances do we give those we love before it’s enough??  How many chances before we must let go and wish them well?  And how many before it goes from loving someone to being a doormat?

more-chances-disrespecting-you-8w5t

Great Weekend

My husband and I had a great time together this weekend.  Saturday we went to a birthday party for friends of ours.  It was a lot of fun and we both enjoyed ourselves. Then we got home and of course, no sex.  I have already been rejected enough for many lifetimes, so I just cannot initiate anymore.  I’m also playing phone tag with the sex therapist.  It just made me a little sad because I really can’t imagine how we got to this place.

Since Monday, I have been dragging my feet a little and I wasn’t sure why.  I think it’s part frustration that this is what my life has become. And why isn’t he finding a sex therapist and making an appointment?  But I’m also petrified because if this doesn’t work, there’s no other choice but to get a divorce.  And I think that’s what has kept me from pushing ahead with therapy the last 2 weeks.

Today I feel less exhausted and more hopeful.  I actually took a nap yesterday afternoon lol.  It’s been a while since I took a nap in the afternoon without being sick.  It really helped improve my mood and I am no longer feeling so wiped out.  I think sometimes we forget how important sleep is for our health.  I know I am definitely guilty of that.

My Mother-in-law, who is a wonderful woman, had hip replacement surgery 2 weeks ago.  She was walking around for 3 weeks with a broken hip!  She thought she pulled a muscle at the gym.  So we have both been back and forth to the hospital and rehab.  Now she’s staying with his sister for a week.  So we went to her house and got all the clothes, toiletries, meds, etc that she needed for the week. I know it’s been difficult for my H seeing his Mom this way, especially after losing his Dad 2 years ago.  She says that I am the best nurse out of everyone.  I told her it’s because I have had so much practice with my Mom and my Grandma lol.

So finally, today I talked to my H and told him my fears about what happens if sex therapy doesn’t work.  He told me to try not to be scared and that it will work and we both have to believe that. He also said that whenever he gets negative, I tell him to try not to think that way because it just makes things worse. He said since his Dad died, I’m the one that is always positive and full of hope.  But the truth is, whenever I get hormonal or sad, he is always giving me hugs and cheering me up.  

I just really and truly hope we can find the spark after so many years and figure out why the hell he has almost zero interest in sex.  I actually weigh less than I did when we were married. I’m pretty with a sexy body so I don’t think it’s a physical attraction thing. But he has gained a decent amount of weight in the last few years, and kind of let himself go.  So if anyone has cause to feel less physically attracted, it’s actually me.

Thank you for letting me pour out my thoughts and feelings.  It has actually helped me to not feel so alone.  Sex or rather, lack of sex, is not a very popular topic but it’s an extremely common problem in relationships.  I had no idea how many people, men and women were going through the same thing.  I always knew some women didn’t like sex or not very frequently.  But to have a man not want it?  It just didn’t seem possible. I know how silly and naive that kind of thinking is. I guess it’s just because every serious relationship I had ever been in was highly sexual and physically satisfying.  So I never imagined I would marry someone who would eventually have no interest.

A Letter from My Future Self as a Survivor of Narcissistic Abuse

A Letter from My Future Self as a Survivor of Narcissistic Abuse. from Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed

This is an important post for anyone stuck, afraid and trying to find the strength to break free from the narcissist. She or He is keeping you confused and uncertain.  This is done on purpose to keep you addicted to the abuser and off-balance. There will be no closure, but there can be love and joy in your life again one day if you leave.

There Is NO Us vs Them

I have never glorified affairs or being the other woman. It is personal and definitely not something I am proud of or I would have my photo on my blog.

My blog is about more than one topic. It was about the end of an affair. But it’s also about depression, marriage, inspiration, narcissism, abuse and laughter.

I was a betrayed spouse long before I was ever the OW. It was the most painful situation I had ever experienced before the loss of my Mom.

That being said, I do NOT understand why so many betrayed spouses continue to hate and focus on the ow instead of placing the majority of the blame on their own husbands! When my H cheated, I didn’t like her and yes I thought she was trash. But I didn’t hate her and blame her more than him. She wasn’t my problem, HE was.

If you are focusing on, blaming and getting revenge on the woman, you are not focused on your husband, your marriage or your damaged relationship. In a way, you are letting your husbands off the hook.

What possible good comes from people making assumptions and projecting their own hurt, betrayal and anger onto strangers?

A betrayed spouse wrote this a while back. I think it’s about me.
I have been reading a blog by a married woman who was betrayed by her husband. A couple of years later she subsequently went out and had an affair of her own and has recently been caught and disclosed.
Actually I voluntarily told my H and P told his W. No one was caught.

The justification she uses for her adulterous ways confound me. Having been on the receiving end of lies told by my first husband to others in order to justify his affair, I may be projecting. I’m very sorry this woman was lied to, but she most definitely is projecting. There is no justification for an affair and hindsight is 20/20. I was in a very loving yet sexless marriage for 3 years. If it happened today would I walk away? Absolutely! But I was naive and foolish. My adulterous ways?? Um you are barking up the wrong tree there lol.

Here are some thoughts from me on the matter of this OW’s blog.

Why are you bestowing guilt on the wife who had zero knowledge of your relationship with her husband? She’s not guilty of our affair. She’s only guilty of being a fake frigid narcissist and a crappy Mother (daughter’s therapist’s opinion, but I agree).

You actually believe what your AP told you about her? If it was true, you had no business knowing any of that information – her husband breached his wife’s trust the first time he ever said anything about his marriage to you. Well if I believe him and he’s telling the truth (his Mom verified), it still doesn’t matter cause we cheated. So doesn’t matter what the truth is because you have already judged me as guilty and wrong.

The sad truth is you don’t know me and the fact that your husband hurt, lied, betrayed and cheated on you is not and never will be my fault. It’s easy to paint me as the harlot and her as the victim. Well guess what? The victim’s own family has since seen the truth since her mask is gone. His parents and sisters won’t even be in the same room with the “victim” anymore. That has absolutely nothing to do with me and everything to do with her.

Regardless of the facts, life is NOT always black and white. Affairs suck and cause pain. They are not romantic or sexy. But the only people I feel bad for hurting is my husband and his kids. His kids are the only innocents in this whole mess. I deeply regret hurting them and also my H.

Whatever my reasons and justifications were, they are mine and NO ONE has the right to judge me except God. I am not the whore, temptress, or bunny boiler that slept with any of your husbands. We are not one size fits all just as BS are not all the same.

Stop hating and judging! When it happened to me, I took a long deep look at myself. I wasn’t to blame for his affair but I wasn’t blameless for issues in our marriage. Focus on your own lives and the good, loving women you are. Please don’t judge all of us ow as evil whores. We aren’t all shitty people but we are human.

I was a good woman in a bad situation who made a stupid decision and hurt others and myself. But I will not pay for the crimes of others. Do not confuse my kindness and compassion with weakness. It would be a mistake.

I Should Be More Relaxed

We got back from vacation a few days ago.  I haven’t really felt like writing. The vacation was pretty good but I feel like I should be more relaxed lol. On the way up to the lake (3 hour drive), H and I were fighting over getting lost and other equally stupid reasons.  This continued the first 2 days. We very rarely argue or fight (which I don’t think is necessarily healthy) so it was upsetting and did not lead to any closeness or resolutions.

Finally on Friday, we were in town at the grocery store and I was just feeling so very sad and alone.  My husband was right by my side and yet I started crying because I was so unhappy and lonely.  I finally told him how I was feeling and that opened up the door to the first actual productive discussion in a few months.  After that we definitely had a much better time together.

I am looking for a sex therapist in our area, which is not as simple a task as you might think.  Besides the fact that it just seems so bizarre to me that this is where I am in life, it’s hard to trust just anyone with your deepest, darkest feelings. Marriage counseling I had no trouble with, this is just different.  Also, most insurances don’t cover sex therapy and we do not have a lot of extra money right now.  I guess I will just start making calls and go from there.

I think I am just really scared because if this doesn’t work, I will have no choice but to make huge changes in my life.  I am trying to think positively and be upbeat, but it’s not easy.  How the hell did I (a woman who LOVES and NEEDS sex like I do oxygen) wind up in a sexless marriage?!?!?!  This was NEVER supposed to happen to me and I think I am really sad and pissed off about it.  I feel duped.  Like I got sold a false bill of goods.  My husband is so kind, sweet and funny. He is always there for me, in good times and in bad so it feels disloyal and wrong to be so unhappy with him.

Wow, my feelings about this are a lot more complicated than I thought they were.  I think we have both been unhappy and unsatisfied for a long time.  I have to remember this is a positive step and can only lead to a better, happier future. Fingers crossed 🙂

.

Sexless? No Thanks I Need Sex

I just read an article that stated that 1 in every 5 marriages is sexless! They define sexless as having sex less that 4 times a year. Um 4 times a year seems like an improvement to our stats the previous 5 years lol.

Seriously who doesn’t like sex???

I have always been a huge fan of sex. For me it was always an important part of a relationship. Granted I have had relatively fewer partners than most women my age (6). But in a loving, committed relationship I felt free to explore and I enjoy trying new things. I enjoy exploring multiple times a day lol.

So to have no sex for a few years? I’m probably lucky I didn’t end up in a padded room. I was so unhappy and felt completely ugly and constantly rejected.

It also helps with my depression and is necessary to my happiness.

Even though we are currently having sex, it’s still not as easy as it was with P. He and I could discuss anything and everything without being awkward or uncomfortable. There’s a distance there with H that while improving slowly, still very much exists. I have no idea why. Since I am open and honest, it must be coming from hubby.

Sometimes I think he got used to using porn and jerking off for so many years before we even met. But we dated for 4 years before we got married and the sex was great! I wouldn’t have said yes if it wasn’t.

I’ve been looking for a good sex therapist in our area and will make some calls tomorrow. He has to be ready, willing and able. He says he is, so hopefully this will help.

It does not nor will it ever excuse cheating. But it’s a sad fact that life isn’t black and white. I know now that an affair wasn’t the answer for me. I also know that as stupid and naive as it seems, we fell deeply in love. It’s not easy to find everything you need in one person. I really thought I had but obviously that wasn’t enough.

I will continue to work to have the marriage I need to be happy but I will never again go months or years without physical love and intimacy. No matter how much I love someone. Life is too short not to be happy, enjoyed and loved.

When Will Some Men (& Women) Say Enough?

I keep running into men and women, both in real life and online that have allowed themselves to become emotional doormats to the very women and men that are supposed to love them.  Some stay because they truly love the person they married and only want to spend their lives together, no matter what.  But from what I have seen, read and experienced, this is not the most common or compelling reason they stay in an unhappy, dead marriage.

Lots of people stay “for the kids” and because they worry about what their family and friends will say, some stay because they are lonely but comfortable in everyday life.  Some are unhappy and dissatisfied with their marriage but too lazy and complacent to make changes.

I think a huge number of men, and women too for that matter, stay out of FEAR.  Fear of the unknown, fear of change, fear of failure, fear of making a mistake.  I know P has stayed for years feeling alone, unloved and not happy because of his fear.  He was physically and emotionally abused and has had a lifelong anxiety disorder.  Wonder why right?  Then to make things worse, he made the wonderful choice to marry a cold, often cruel, frigid narcissist. Because she was 100% italian and beautiful, she was the only one deemed worthy by his immigrant Italian parents. He has never been good enough for her or at least has always felt that way.  And he’s so messed up that he thinks that’s love and that’s what he deserves.  That’s actually what he’s comfortable with.  He admitted how damaged a person he is and is getting himself help.  But it’s just too late to fix what we had.

I totally get that it’s terrifying to make significant life changes.  And despite what I have been through, I still believe in marriage.

Personally, I will not leave my marriage unless and until I know that I have tried every way possible to fix what has been broken.  Both my H and I have made huge mistakes.  Neither of us is blameless or a victim.  We take 2 steps forward and 1 step back.  Progress is slow and as I have already mentioned, patience is not a virtue I was blessed with.

I cannot believe what an idiot I used to be.  I really thought the person that loved less had more power because they cared less.  It is absolutely untrue, ridiculous and not very kind or loving thinking.  My husband and I used to joke and say it was 51 % his love and 49% mine.  I thought I was so smart. Obviously that didn’t keep our marriage train from totally derailing right off the tracks!  Now I know that it has to be 50/50, with power shifting back and forth as circumstances and needs dictate.

To all of us that have ever let someone make us feel not good enough, I say this. Stop being an emotional doormat! Anyone that doesn’t value you or make you feel beautiful and special? Screw them! They are unworthy of your time or attention. So please stop wasting it hemming and hawwing. Should I stay or should I go? YOU ALREADY KNOW THE ANSWER. Go where the love is!

My H is kind, loving, sweet and makes me laugh. We’re still working on the feeling beautiful and wanted lol. But we are happy and I am lucky.

Why Do You Stay? My Closure Through Understanding

Sometimes the biggest gift we can give ourselves is letting go. For me personally, letting go n feeling closure comes from knowledge and understanding. I find it brings me comfort and healing. While I get that it probably makes little to no difference, it helps me process and is a necessary step for me to move on. I also know that closure is completely impossible with a narcissist, so stop waiting and trying for something you cannot have.

Over the last year I have read and learned a lot about Narcissism, a personality disorder that affects 6.2% of the population. So so (P’s wife) is a frigid narcissist with low emotional intelligence.

I needed to understand how someone could CHOOSE to stay married to someone so selfish, incapable of empathy, distant, cold, completely fake, unaffectionate, shallow and a really shitty mother (I’m paraphrasing 13 year old daughter’s therapist) and wife. I was able to find some answers.

While I now know how and why it happens, I will never accept denying the truth and continuing on with the charade. Especially when you see the damage continuing to live this pathetic sham has done and continues to do to your children.

I don’t blame P for being so damaged and screwed up. But I do blame him for knowing the truth and staying unhappy. Because he’s too weak, complacent, addicted and scared to leave, he shows his kids he doesn’t count. He has also taught them that you can get what you want by bullying and manipulation with little to no consequences.

They won’t see that he sacrificed his happiness for theirs because they aren’t happy in the fake, toxic environment in which they live! Teenagers see and know a lot. They feel the lack of love and affection between P and the narcissist. They don’t need a manservant who lets their Mom bully and control him while she lives a single life. They need a strong, loving father to teach them self-control, guidance and discipline. His heart is in the right place but he’s totally screwing it up. I fear this will never change as long as he’s in denial and his therapist has no clue what he’s dealing with.

As for me, I am going to enjoy the summer with my dear H, my family, great friends and eventually forget all about this chapter of my life. I do feel lucky to have experienced great joy, love, passion and happiness for a while. But the pain, loss, misery, sadness, abandonment and damage to my self-esteem was simply not worth it.

Do I regret loving someone who has no idea how to love n be loved? I’m still not sure. I think I’m just disappointed by his lack of caring for me and his unwillingness to make necessary changes. But I hope he figures it out one day n finds real love. Hopefully someone without a personality disorder 🙂

“Remember, you don’t need to be out of the relationship to start feeling better.Whether you’re in it or out of it, the recovery needs to start now. You can mentally break free from your toxic partner whether you’re maintaining “no contact” or still struggling with it, whether your suffering through another silent treatment and expecting a return, or whether this person is hoovering right now to get you back. The more you wait, the more time you waste.”

Why do so many amazing people develop such a twisted codependency to the narcissistic nonsense? Well, I believe that it starts with the passive-aggressive conditioning put upon us by the narcissist– conditioning that is fully intended to make us feel desperate and insecure within the relationship. Since desperation and insecurity are two of the biggest causes of codependency, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to make the connection. We, ourselves, become part of the chaos and turmoil and, during the invoking of a silent treatment we become part of the deafening silence. In essence, we turn our hope for a happy ending into a codependency that never ends happily.

Our codependency to the narcissistic game of cat and mouse builds gradually – just as the narcissist intends. The more gradual the build, the less likely we are to even notice our demise until we are smack dab in the middle of the shit! At that point, we are almost powerless to pull out because there’s always more to do, to find out, to investigate, and more bullshit to put up with. We hope and pray that this time it will be different…that we can love the narcissist out of her/his crappy behavior. But we never can and we never will.

The victim of narcissistic abuse spends a good deal of their waking life in a relationship with a person who neglects them on every level and will, in a moment’s notice, abandon them. Maybe not physically leave, but they will never be there to love and support you. You are forever trying to figure out “the secrets” – of which there are many (although they will state otherwise) – and this can take hour after consuming hour as the desperation mounts. Keeping the codependency alive and strong in their victim/partner is very much a requirement of the narcissist’s pathological agenda.

The victim, in much the same way, actually becomes addicted to the agenda as well but receives far less pleasure than the narcissist who literally thrives off of their partner’s unrequited love suffering.

Codependency in relationships is hard enough without the other partner having a personality disorder that can never be fixed. When narcissism becomes part of the equation, life takes a much sharper and far more miserable turn than ever before. Codependents will usually accept themselves as being damaged in order to “fix” another person.

Breaking this type of codependency is difficult because we associate the desperation that we feel with our love for the perpetrator. This causes mental confusion and an anxious willingness to hang in there…. to try it one more time because maybe she’ll change. A few weeks go by and they are being nicer. They might even go to therapy with you a few times. But sadly it never lasts long. Then, before we know it, years and sometimes decades have passed and everything is exactly the same as its always been.

You cannot truly be there for your kids while you are still under the narcissist’s spell. This is very different than most separations. In most cases of separation, you stay to help your kids. But with a narcissist, staying abused only continues the dysfunctional family dynamics. This leaves your children far more confused and unhappy than if they had one stable parent.

Like any addiction to a bad thing, our codependency to the narcissistic behaviors and tactics of our partner must be dealt with seriously and in an effective manner that will give us lasting results.

For our own sanity, we must certainly be accountable.

Much of this post comes from Zari Ballard’s 2 books. Although I don’t sell anything on my blog, I think these 2 books are definitely worth $5.99.

So if any of this resonates with you at all, please read them and all the information available, find a therapist experienced with narcissism, codependency and narcissistic abuse, get stronger, break free and change your life.

Lesson learned. If something seems to good to be true, it probably is lol.

For a Limited Time, Get 2-4-1:
When Love Is a Lie &  Stop Spinning, Start Breathing
http://www.thenarcissisticpersonality.com/pre-order-special/

Do you have a narcissistic partner? Are you tired of being subjected to emotional manipulation and silent treatments?  Are you desperate to make sense of the madness yet afraid to ask questions? Are you willing to go No Contact but don’t have the slightest idea where to begin and what to do if the narcissist hoovers? Well, if you haven’t read Zari Ballard’s Amazon Best Seller When Love Is a Lie and the interactive workbook companion book, Stop Spinning, Start Breathing,  you’re missing out on a chance to escape the misery once and for all.

Tired but Happy

sun shining thru clouds

Yesterday was a rainy Monday and I was not quite ready to start the work week but I did.  Some days are just hard and I just feel exhausted before the day has even begun.  Today was much better, but still rainy.  I’ve been thinking about how much has changed in my life recently.  I’m so much happier and I feel more at peace.  P is gone and while not forgotten, he no longer has a starring role in my thoughts and in my heart.

My Hubby and I are really learning how to have fun together again.  We make each other laugh and have been really nice to one another, even when we are tired or cranky.  Just little things that add up to a happier marriage.  Like him doing things like keeping the bathroom clean without being asked or me cooking for him again and making sure he has clothes for the week.  I know it sounds like unimportant things but the difference is simple.  We think of one another’s happiness more.  The last few years it was what has he done for me lately or what has she done for me.  It wasn’t always but it was definitely a strong undercurrent. I resented being rejected over and over and over again.  I missed having sex and being intimate. I can’t speak for what was bothering him.  I do know the last 2 years he has grieved the death of his Dad a lot more than he ever thought.

He recently said he thought that I thought that he should get over it quicker.  I looked at him like he had 3 heads!?!?!  Get over it?  It took me a few years to heal after my Mom died!  He was there, he knew that.  So why would I EVER expect anything different from him?  I am many things but a hypocrite is not one of them.  I said I was very sorry he felt that way but I never intentionally said or did anything to make him feel like that.  I said I am not a mind reader and grief is personal.  Just because I didn’t sit you down and drag the feelings out of you doesn’t mean I didn’t care.  I thought I was being respectful and when you wanted to talk you would.  That’s what I did with my Mom.  I didn’t expect him to read my mind or make me better.  No one can do that but you.  I said I think you expect me to be a miracle worker and I’m not.  He smiled and said yeah maybe you are right about that.  But you just always seem to either know what to do or you know the answer so I guess we all look to you for guidance.  I said that’s wonderful but I’m not Google or a set of encyclopedias dear.  I am a human with flaws and weaknesses.  I make mistakes every day.  And I am not your Mother!  She is a lovely woman and I am happy to have her for a mother-in-law so you have no need for another.  He laughed and told me that I was right again lol.

So is it that oh so hot passionate erotic fun that I had with P?  No but that’s okay because it also doesn’t make me sad or hurt.   There is no lying or missing someone, no stolen moments,  no fear of anyone getting hurt, and no more living 2 half-lives like before.  It’s really pretty damn great lol!  I have no idea if it will last for a day, a week, a month, a year or the rest of our lives.  I think it’s best to just take every day as it comes and live the best life you possibly can with what you have.

And never forget to go where the love is!!!!!

tulips

Kicking the Habit- Dealing with Affair Withdrawal

I found this article online

After ending an affair, one can expect to have intense withdrawal symptoms for about three weeks, and you may continue to feel some symptoms for up to six months, but they should gradually diminish in intensity and frequency over this time period.

During this time, you are in a vulnerable position. Like an addict, you might be tempted to use your favorite drug again. You might be tempted to contact your affair partner again to help calm the force of your withdrawal symptoms.

Doing so is a little bit like a heroin addict in recovery who says they are “just going to do a little hit to make the pain go away.” This is clearly a terrible idea. If you do this, it is likely you will be tempted to start using again, end up back in the affair, and undo all the difficult work you have done up to this point.

Do not attempt to contact your affair partner as this will destroy your relationship. Instead, reinvest in repairing your relationship.  This is liable to be difficult as well, particularly if you have just informed your partner about the affair.

If you are talking to your spouse at all, it is likely that your communication is negative and difficult. It is unlikely that you will be getting a great deal of positive feedback from him/her at this point and this is bound to make you feel emotionally disconnected. This could worsen your withdrawal symptoms.

Remember that you are going through this painful time for a reason: you want to heal your relationship. You can look at this difficult period as a necessary step to straightening out the mess you have made of your relationship. Like an addict, there may be a period of time in which you suffer.

Going through that is the first step to putting your life and relationship back on the right course. Keep in mind that when you maintain the course of recovery through this rough period of getting over an affair, the reward can be a relationship that is better than you ever dreamed.

I can honestly say now that my marriage is getting better with each passing day.  Today for the first time in a very long time, I actually felt that high talking to M, my husband!!  It was after I had the intense craving to contact P.  Hearing how happy M was to talk to me and how much he was looking forward to spending the weekend together gave me that feeling I have been missing for so long.  

There have been so many days where I thought we couldn’t possibly make it and I didn’t want to.  I know that there will be more and that’s okay.  As long as there are good days too, we can get through anything.  

Go where the love is.

Sooo In The Doghouse

My husband totally pissed me off today.  He was so angry and rude that I wasn’t ready to clean and run errands right when he wanted. I don’t mind him being annoyed. Everyone has a right to their feelings and to express those feelings.  

But it was the way he showed his anger, stomping around and mumbling like a jackass. It felt like I was watching a child have a temper tantrum lol. The man is 47 years old!

I tried to talk to him rationally and maturely but it did not go smoothly.  I did nothing to deserve the way he treated me and I told him so. His behavior really hurt and upset me.

I think it has more to do with the fact that we still are not having sex and I am just about fed up. I have tried everything and am just tired of feeling constantly rejected.

He cleaned the tub / shower, which was great but I do it all the time! I don’t expect a parade for it, geesh. I honestly think sometimes he expects me to cook and clean like a 50s housewife while also working a full-time job lol.  

Both of our Moms were stay at home housewives but our Dads were able to support the family. And when we were in high school both women went back to school and work, eventually becoming successful in their own right. Can’t have it both ways dude, especially with a chronic illness.

He apologized but it was really half-assed and only because he knows he’s in the doghouse.  He should really think of building on a new wing if he continues to act this way lol.   

Oh Crap

So my day was going great. The sun was shining this morning and I love the people I work with. We are a family and we take care of one another. We also get on each other’s nerves sometimes but hey that’s what family does lol.

Then I got this really bad feeling that P was struggling. I have always known things that I have no way of knowing. It’s happened throughout my life and my family lovingly refers to me sometimes as the good witch. It’s only people I’m close to but it is a little bizarre, freaky and completely out of my control. And yes I’m still waiting for winning Powerball numbers lol.

So I sent P a message just asking if he was ok. He asked if he could call and after a little while I agreed. I know I’m an idiot and he did not deserve my compassion but I am who I am.

Basically, like me, he’s been trying to repair his broken marriage. He’s been going to counseling and sometimes she even goes with him. Unlike me, he’s miserable and struggling. He’s married to a frigid narcissist and last week she told him she’s not in love with him and thinks of him as a friend.

He said he regrets staying but he felt it was his only choice. He said he misses me everyday and his love for me hasn’t diminished. I told him that after all the pain he caused my love for him had.

He apologized for hurting me and for being a selfish ahole. He cried. I told him I never really understood how damaged he is and that I hope he keeps going to counseling. The psychologist thinks he needs to come twice a week.

The only positive news was that his daughter has started counseling. It is required if she wants to go to the only high school that would take her next year. I know that deep down underneath all that attitude, lying and manipulating, she is a terribly unhappy little girl that has put up so many walls to protect herself. For anyone thinking it has anything to do with me, her problems started 2 years before he even met me.

I told him about my blog and how much it has helped me to heal my heart. He asked if he could read it. I told him I would need to think about it.

Well I have thought about it and my answer is NO. Hell no! I wish him well and hope he finds peace and happiness someday. But my blog is mine. Even my H understands it is my outlet and has not asked to read it.

Which brings me to the most important part,  my husband. He is not perfect but he is a good, kind and loving man. I am truly lucky that he has stuck by my side through everything as I have stuck by his. He says I am his soulmate, not P and I am starting to believe that again.

A Fair

I woke up feeling a little tired and lazy (thank you antidepressant side effect lol).  With depression you never really know how you will feel from day to day. But I have many more good days than bad so I am definitely not complaining.

So my husband wanted to go to a local fair. I thought I would be up for it but then I really wasn’t. I could see he was upset so I pushed myself. As those with depression know, this isn’t always possible. Thankfully today it was.

We got there and I started looking at the jewelry,  handbags, scarves, etc. Basically all things I love to buy, wear and browse through lol.  And because I hadn’t wanted to come, hubby was extremely sweet about me buying a few things. I know most men, including him, could care less about those things so I appreciated his patience.

We stopped at a jewelry cleaner table and it was really cool! It worked magic on my platinum diamond wedding rings, my silver hoops and even my grandmother’s antique sapphire and diamond ring from the 1920’s. I couldn’t believe it when my H asked the man if he could clean his platinum band. I think he’s let me clean it twice in ten years lol. I happily bought a huge bottle of the non-toxic cleaner.

Then we met a friend of his, stopped and ate together.  He’s quite a colorful character,  always with a hilarious story to make me laugh.

I am really glad I was able to go and we had such a great time just walking around and laughing.  I enjoy simple pleasures in life, especially since losing my Mom. I just don’t think I realized that we really need to have fun together.

I truly remembered why we fell in love in the first place.  I didn’t think about P all day!

Today I have to say
Me: 1 and Depression: 0

Slowly Going Crazy

Why is it that guys tell me everyday how pretty and sexy I am but my own husband is afraid to touch me? Im not a supermodel lol. Just a woman with a naturally high sex drive who needs to be loved. He used to love that about me before he lost his mojo. I have removed my dating profile and said goodbye to the few guys I was still in touch with. Have been completely and totally honest and upfront with him. I even told him I fell in love with P because he made me feel beautiful, special, sexy and loved.I just need sex, love and intimacy. Doesn’t everyone?