Forgiveness & Letting Go

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It’s been quite a long time since I have written about P. That is mostly because there hasn’t been anything to write about. Except for a very regrettable drunk call I made back in February, we have not spoken in months.  I have let him go in most ways, but there was always something missing.  No matter how hard I tried, I had been unable to forgive him. Even though I knew it was for me, not him, I just could not seem to manage it.

While letting go is a process that happens over time and with continued effort, I believe forgiveness is a one shot deal.  Either you forgive someone or you don’t.  Once you forgive, it’s done and you can’t undo it.  Now this doesn’t mean that you forget or keep forgiving someone who repeatedly hurts you.  That’s abusing yourself and allowing others to do the same.

Unfortunately as much as we want to forgive and/or let go of what hurts us, sometimes we just simply aren’t ready.  I had let go months ago but I was still missing that last piece of the puzzle.  I knew it was time to forgive and I wanted to very much, but something wouldn’t let me. I tried over and over again to no avail.  I was better in so many ways and happy for the first time in over a year.

Then P called to wish me a happy birthday. I was actually pretty surprised and not very gracious lol. He was kind and it was nice catching up.  And as we were talking, the most amazing thing happened.  All that pain, sadness, anger and rejection I have felt for over a year now?  It just disappeared!  I forgave him and I feel so free!!  I literally feel lighter and even happier than I have been the last few months.  It felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders.

He told me he loved me and still loves me.  That is why he can’t have me in his life.  It hurts and confuses him. It’s too hard and it’s not healthy.  I understand that and I agree. He says his narcissist (so so) has been trying to treat him better and he’s okay. I told him that my H and I are doing really well and I’m happy.  I thanked him for letting me go and removing me from all that dysfunction.  I’m at peace and I am going to continue to go where the love is!

Close Your Eyes & Relax

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I have dabbled with meditation in the past, but never stuck with it until recently. It’s kind of amazing how it can change your whole mindset. Like yesterday, I was feeling a little sad after spending the weekend going through my Mother-in-law’s closets to get ready for the huge Estate Sale we are having next weekend. Sometimes I still can’t believe that she’s really gone.

After we got home, I just felt a little depressed and exhausted. So I did 2 guided meditations that I found on youtube. Each was about 20-25 minutes and the result was amazing and immediate. I felt happy, centered and so grateful for all the good that I have in my life. There was so much light and love, and it was all coming from inside me.  I was actually kind of shocked that I got so much out of it.

Years ago, I used to laugh at my friends that are into meditation, yoga, etc. I knew it was a good thing but I don’t think I had any clue how life-changing it can be. I took a mediation class about 10 years ago but didn’t really get that much out of it. I don’t know what changed. But last night, I put my headphones on and just really got into a zone.  I honestly cannot believe how much better it made me feel.  

This morning I woke up still feeling so grateful for all my blessings and all the wonderful people I have in my life.  For all the family and friends that actually want to be in my life and go out of their way to show me how much they care.

I was heartbroken, traumatized and angry for so long.  And you know what? I had every right to be.  I couldn’t understand how someone could say they love you with all their heart and soul one day, that you were the only woman in the world for them and then dump you in an email and put your love in a box!!!!!  It was extremely traumatic to have the man you love completely turn his back on you. I’ve never experienced that trauma and abandonment before and I know I never will. Thankfully, now I rarely think of him and I’m glad.  

I do know he has read my blog once or twice over the last few weeks. I honestly think he reads my posts but he also reads the articles on narcissism and addiction to narcissistic abuse.  It feels a little creepy, but since I don’t plan on mentioning him again after December, I don’t see it becoming a problem. I wish him well but he is no longer part of my life or my future. All this time I felt like he didn’t choose me. And that deeply hurt my heart. But actually he didn’t choose love, joy, sex and happiness. And finally after almost 11 months? Now I no longer choose him.

“We shouldn’t cross the river for a person who doesn’t want to cross a puddle for us.” Doesn’t that just kind of say it all? LOL

Today I found a nearby yoga class that starts in January. I can register for it the first week in November. I’m really looking forward to it.

I’m on a journey and I’m going where the love and great sex is! ♡♡♡

Family, Grief and Strength

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It’s been 2 1/2 weeks since my Mother-in-law died very suddenly and unexpectedly.  In a week she went from being completely healthy to dying of stage 4 ovarian cancer.  The only blessing is she never really knew she was sick.  By the time we knew it was cancer, she was already in hospice.

I’ve just been exhausted physically and emotionally. We’re all Catholic so the wake was Friday day n night. Then Sat morning was the funeral mass at church then the burial. Then we had a lunch at a restaurant. We rented the whole place so it was nice.

Neither of my husband’s brothers or sister are really spiritual (I have lovingly called them heathens for years n my Mother in law used to laugh lol) so I planned the funeral mass. It was beautiful and sweet. Just what she would’ve wanted. No hypocritical church bullshit lol. The priest looked like and sounded exactly like the actor from those old 7 up commercials. My H said his Mom would’ve really liked him.  I thought so too.

I was sitting there in the front on the aisle because I had to do a reading because my brother-in-law changed his mind which I understood.  It really hit me right them, standing near her covered casket and I started crying silently, the tears pouring down my face.  My H took my hand and squeezed while putting his arm around me.  Then of course I felt horrible that he had to comfort me because it was his Mom we lost. But just when I felt so weak and broken, I turned around and looked back at the church.  There a few rows back was my family!!   I knew they would all come to the wake. But I was so surprised and happy to see my Dad, his girlfriend, my brothers n sis in laws, even my cousin at the church. My Mom would’ve wanted that but I was so grateful and it gave me so much comfort and strength.  I know they are all very busy, except my Dad who’s retired, so the fact that they were all there for me?  It helped my heart tremendously and lifted my spirit more than words can ever say.  That’s why even if we drive each other nuts or piss each other off, it doesn’t matter.  When push comes to shove, we are always there for each other and that will never change.  I know how truly blessed and lucky I am to have them in my life.  I’m going to my brother’s house later for a birthday party for my nephew.  They will all be there and I will definitely tell them since I don’t tell them nearly enough how much they mean to me lol.

Life is so short! All that matters is love, family, friends, laughter, joy n yes passion n great sex lol. I know everything does happen for a reason and I am so grateful that I was here for my H when he needed me most. I will continue to be here for him.  But if January comes and there’s still not improvement in the sexless part of our marriage? I will not be living without love, sex and passion and that is non-negotiable.

Can It Really Be Over?

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Of course, I am talking about SUMMER! Heehee

This summer has definitely gone much faster for me than the last few summers. I actually had a really good summer.  We didn’t do as much as we usually do (like Mets/Yankees games and concerts) but I still had a great time.  Went to the beach club a bunch of times and spent a lot of time with friends and family.  That always makes me the happiest.

Last week I took my nieces and nephew to Chuck e Cheese. They had such a ball, especially my 3 year-old niece who spent almost all her coins on the merry-go round. She just kept saying giddyup and again, again! She must’ve gone on at least 30 times lol. There was 3 horses so the other kids kept getting free rides. My H had me laughing saying she was like a little baller in a strip club raining down dollar bills.

I think that’s what is most important in life. Letting the people that matter most to you know how special they are.  Why wait?  Life is usually a lot shorter than we ever expect it to be.

There is no fear in love

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I have been thinking about this for a few days.  I cannot even imagine living my life afraid.  Afraid that I will make a mistake or do the wrong thing.  What kind of people spend their life making their children so afraid?  So afraid of making a mistake that they stay miserable and unhappy?

For me that would be like being trapped in a prison of my own creation.

Depression is no day at the beach, believe me LOL.  But I will take it any day of the week over fear and anxiety. Yes, Depression at its worst almost killed me.  Thankfully, the right combination of meds has allowed me to live my life.  It’s not always perfect or easy, but the dark times are a lot less frequent and not as dark.  Knowing that there’s an end to the pain and that I will be happy again has been a tremendous gift.

I think we both believed if our love was perfect, it would cure his fear.  I don’t think that was fair to either one of us.  His fear was created in his childhood and no amount of love, no matter how special, was going to cure that.

The further I get from the pain and sadness of the breakup, the more I see it had very little at all to do with me.

I really hope one day he finds peace and stops living with constant fear.  At least I have found peace and that’s enough for now.