I am really looking forward to going away with H next week. I am hopeful that we can find our way back to each other. I just wish it was easier. It feels like so much work sometimes. Should love have to be so much work? I honestly don’t know. Sometimes I feel sure we will make it and others I just don’t know. I just want to feel passion and attraction again. That’s when I miss P and all the joy, love and laughter. Why was I always able to talk to him about anything and everything and why can’t H and I do the same?
I realize that obviously that’s not enough on its own. Look at P. He’s totally addicted/codependent/attracted to his bulging bodybuilder/ selfish covert narcissist. What does that get him? LOL A big fat nothing, that’s what. I have never met anyone so delusional about their relationship or lack of one as P. It’s so sad how much he has gone backwards in the last 8 months. He’s so addicted to the cycle of narcissistic abuse and in denial, I really think part of him actually believes she can get better!!!! C’mon seriously??? Yeah cause if you have 3 decent years, then 7 crappy ones, then 10 years where your marriage is so dead you have 3 affairs? I honestly believe that he is LITERALLY going to wait until she says she wants out to make any sort of change. She still controls him and as long as she wants to, she probably always will. My love and devotion meant so very little to him in the end. It’s hard for me to realize and admit that. But it is the truth and I know that now. Time won’t change him, it will just make him sicker and less human.
I ask myself how could I have loved someone so weak and not worth my love or my time? When I think of all the times he said he wasn’t in love with her, could never be attracted to her again, and hoped she’d find someone so he could be free? I will probably never truly know if it was all lies. I guess it doesn’t really matter. Except to me it does.
I just want to love and be loved. I want passion, laughter, companionship and a best friend. Someone who I make a better person and who makes me want to be a better person too. I really need a lot of sex to make up for all the years I missed. I don’t think that’s too much to ask. If my H isn’t up to the job, I will not stay any longer. I’ve waited long enough. It’s time for the men in my life to put up or shut up. It’s just that simple. I’m going where the love AND THE SEX is! LOL