I No Longer Feel The Need

For a while now, I have been drafting a final goodbye letter to Putz. Saying all the beautiful loving things I had left to say. I intended to email it December 31st. Today I realized that I had completely forgotten about it!! Not only do I no longer care enough to send it, what the heck would be the point? What’s done is done. Nothing can change what’s happened and I believe there’s a reason for almost everything.

I actually unblocked him last week and we texted a little. Nothing much at all and I feel so much freer not hating him and missing him. He texted me to say Have a Happy New Year and be safe a few nights ago. I haven’t responded and I won’t. I don’t hate him but come on now! We’re not bffs lol. We will both simply work on our marriages and move on with our lives now. It’s way past time.

He’s still really trying to save his ridiculously dysfunctional “family” as well as his crappy marriage to a narcissist. He says she’s being nice and really trying too. I wish him lots of luck with that, cause boy he’s gonna need it lol. I respect him for trying and hope he finds real love n happiness someday. But if not, that’s entirely his choice and only his life he’s wasted alone and unloved.

My H has just made an appointment with a psychiatrist. He comes from a tough Italian/German family where even if you got shot, you would definitely be told to “walk it off”! So to even think of going to a shrink was unfathomable to him. But he said he knows I am pulling away and he doesn’t want to lose me. And he is actively trying to rebuild intimacy and spend time together. It’s been really nice to see the man I fell in love with starting to re-emerge. It’s been a long time. I’m cautiously optimistic so I guess we’ll see.

Whatever happens, mentally I’m in a really good place and I’m happy. Thankfully 2015 is over. 2016 will be a time of change, growth and hopefully love and lots of great sex!

Wishing you all a wonderful New Year full of love, joy, laughter and yes sex 🙂

Yikes!

Ok this search term on my blog definitely warranted a post.

“Husband begging me to let him have sex with my best friend. “

You cannot make this stuff up! How can women have so little self-respect that this is even an option? Honestly, if my husband was begging me to have sex with another woman? Well after he woke up from his coma? He’d be served with divorce papers. I guess that’s why he didn’t ask before he cheated. 

I’m sad that we have gotten so far from love, respect and fidelity that this is ok. Maybe I’m a little cranky from my own lack of sex but it just seems greedy to me. Am I wrong?

7 Very Good Reasons Why You Should Have Sex Everyday

https://mydeadbedroom.wordpress.com/2015/12/10/7-very-good-reasons-why-you-should-have-sex-everyday/

See? There’s so MANY reasons why sex is important! Medically, psychologically, etc there are just so many reasons to JUST DO IT! I’m not saying it’s the most important part of a good marriage. But it is important to me. I miss it and crave it.

I am talking to H this weekend because I don’t know if I need a pass or something but I just cannot continue to live in sexual purgatory. I can’t force him to have sex but he’s forcing me into involuntary celibacy? How is that acceptable? It isn’t.

Sexless? No Thanks I Need Sex

I just read an article that stated that 1 in every 5 marriages is sexless! They define sexless as having sex less that 4 times a year. Um 4 times a year seems like an improvement to our stats the previous 5 years lol.

Seriously who doesn’t like sex???

I have always been a huge fan of sex. For me it was always an important part of a relationship. Granted I have had relatively fewer partners than most women my age (6). But in a loving, committed relationship I felt free to explore and I enjoy trying new things. I enjoy exploring multiple times a day lol.

So to have no sex for a few years? I’m probably lucky I didn’t end up in a padded room. I was so unhappy and felt completely ugly and constantly rejected.

It also helps with my depression and is necessary to my happiness.

Even though we are currently having sex, it’s still not as easy as it was with P. He and I could discuss anything and everything without being awkward or uncomfortable. There’s a distance there with H that while improving slowly, still very much exists. I have no idea why. Since I am open and honest, it must be coming from hubby.

Sometimes I think he got used to using porn and jerking off for so many years before we even met. But we dated for 4 years before we got married and the sex was great! I wouldn’t have said yes if it wasn’t.

I’ve been looking for a good sex therapist in our area and will make some calls tomorrow. He has to be ready, willing and able. He says he is, so hopefully this will help.

It does not nor will it ever excuse cheating. But it’s a sad fact that life isn’t black and white. I know now that an affair wasn’t the answer for me. I also know that as stupid and naive as it seems, we fell deeply in love. It’s not easy to find everything you need in one person. I really thought I had but obviously that wasn’t enough.

I will continue to work to have the marriage I need to be happy but I will never again go months or years without physical love and intimacy. No matter how much I love someone. Life is too short not to be happy, enjoyed and loved.

Sooo In The Doghouse

My husband totally pissed me off today.  He was so angry and rude that I wasn’t ready to clean and run errands right when he wanted. I don’t mind him being annoyed. Everyone has a right to their feelings and to express those feelings.  

But it was the way he showed his anger, stomping around and mumbling like a jackass. It felt like I was watching a child have a temper tantrum lol. The man is 47 years old!

I tried to talk to him rationally and maturely but it did not go smoothly.  I did nothing to deserve the way he treated me and I told him so. His behavior really hurt and upset me.

I think it has more to do with the fact that we still are not having sex and I am just about fed up. I have tried everything and am just tired of feeling constantly rejected.

He cleaned the tub / shower, which was great but I do it all the time! I don’t expect a parade for it, geesh. I honestly think sometimes he expects me to cook and clean like a 50s housewife while also working a full-time job lol.  

Both of our Moms were stay at home housewives but our Dads were able to support the family. And when we were in high school both women went back to school and work, eventually becoming successful in their own right. Can’t have it both ways dude, especially with a chronic illness.

He apologized but it was really half-assed and only because he knows he’s in the doghouse.  He should really think of building on a new wing if he continues to act this way lol.   

If You Care aka Ten Steps Forward and One Step Back

If You Care About Someone, Remember It Every Day

This is so serious. If you care about someone, really care about them, remember it every day. Remember it on bad days especially. Remember it in fights. Remember it when you’re happy. Appreciate it. Love it. Be it. Live it. Feel it. Because you have no idea when it will be gone. There are only so many chances. And if you do forget and you do something stupid. You’d better fight for it. Fight as hard as you can. As hard as you can doesn’t mean until it is a detriment to you, but until you’re sure it won’t be. True love will always be true love and if you lose it, you’re going to regret it. 

~Brigitte Nicole

Okay, so I cried a little last night. I think I was mourning the loss of a dream that will never ever be.  Although my head has known this for months and I think I have fully accepted this reality, I now realize my heart still held a glimmer of hope.  It really was the most beautiful dream.  A dream full of love, joy, happiness, understanding, acceptance and obviously lots of yummy sex lol.  But it was not meant to be, not with P.

Love is everything. But love is also about the choices we make. I fought for us and he thinks he did too but he didn’t, that’s total crap. And that’s okay. I loved with my whole heart and soul, maybe for the first time ever. I think that’s why I’m getting better and he’s getting worse. I have no regrets for following my heart.   The only thing I regret is the hurt it caused my husband.

After speaking to P, I have forgiven him. I just do not have the luxury of forgetting all the pain and heartbreak I went through because of HIS choice to change his mind and remain alone and unloved.  I understand he thought he was doing what was best for his kids and I respect his decision. But he said he is also enjoying knowing he did everything she asked and nothing has changed.  I told him he is a Martyr.  A man who sacrificed true love to keep his dysfunctional family together.  I couldn’t refrain from telling him he needs to get a big wooden cross and when he feels unloved and unappreciated, he can get up and nail himself to it!!

I most likely wouldn’t survive another go round with him and that’s the truth. I am generally not a self-destructive person. Then there is P and a good friend of mine. They do the same thing over and over again and honestly expect different results!! That is insanity, and I am not insane.

The best thing I can do for EVERYONE (especially myself), the ONLY option that won’t lead to more heartache is to NOT initiate any contact (via any means including but not limited to talking, texting, messaging, emailing, facebook, skywriting, carrier pigeon, pony express, and to ignore him if he initiates.

I think it’s good that he has been going to counseling every week (usually by himself, but hey not my business right?) What struck me was the fact that he has spent far more time changing his outside.  He has lost 35 lbs. as well as learned how to cook, do laundry and basically become a FANTASTIC 45 year old houseboy LOL.  I only wish he was working as diligently on his inside.  I mean his anxiety, non-existent self-esteem, his complete lack of independence and figuring out why he repeatedly chooses a frigid narcissist who has admitted she doesn’t do affection, doesn’t want sex and thinks of him as a friend.

I am ready to put all of this in the past and focus on my future.  I have to find a sex therapist for us to go to.  For someone with a pretty high sex drive, I seriously NEVER thought I would ever be saying that.  But I love my husband very much and I know he loves me.  He can drive me nuts and I know I am a huge pain in the ass sometimes.  We are not perfect, nor should we be. He has always chosen me, no matter what. He picks me up when I fall and he has the biggest heart and the best sense of humor.  We both owe it to one another to see if we can meet somewhere in the middle.  And we will do it without anyone waiting in the wings or in my heart.

It will be a different dream, but hopefully one just as wonderful.  Actually it will be better because it will be REAL 🙂

Men & Women

Its always been my philosophy that men are stupid and women are crazy. Now imagine my surprise when I recently discovered a quote by the late comedian George Carlin saying the same exact thing! Maybe I saw it on cable as a teen and it just made sense lol.

Men are stupid because they really don’t realize how easy it is to make most of us happy. A flower, a love note, heck I adored this little bottle of sand that said Jersey Shore my ex bought me to remember a trip we took last year. It’s simple little things that melt my heart. And if they just put in the tiniest bit of effort, we would have no trouble picking up their socks or even converting from a lifelong Giants fan to a Jets fan upon marriage. (That was H’s condition and mine was lots of sex. I lived up to my side of the bargain and he soooo hasn’t.)

Women are crazy because a lot of us expect guys to automatically know what we like and what makes us happy. And because we change our minds a LOT and sometimes expect them to just know this without us bothering to tell them about said changes lol.

Anyway, I still cannot believe that old guy and I shared a basic life philosophy about the sexes. Blows my mind!

And while yes this may be a gross generalization, its also just my opinion. And like they say “Opinions are like assholes, everybody has one!”

Slowly Going Crazy

Why is it that guys tell me everyday how pretty and sexy I am but my own husband is afraid to touch me? Im not a supermodel lol. Just a woman with a naturally high sex drive who needs to be loved. He used to love that about me before he lost his mojo. I have removed my dating profile and said goodbye to the few guys I was still in touch with. Have been completely and totally honest and upfront with him. I even told him I fell in love with P because he made me feel beautiful, special, sexy and loved.I just need sex, love and intimacy. Doesn’t everyone?