Family, Grief and Strength

family isn't always blood

It’s been 2 1/2 weeks since my Mother-in-law died very suddenly and unexpectedly.  In a week she went from being completely healthy to dying of stage 4 ovarian cancer.  The only blessing is she never really knew she was sick.  By the time we knew it was cancer, she was already in hospice.

I’ve just been exhausted physically and emotionally. We’re all Catholic so the wake was Friday day n night. Then Sat morning was the funeral mass at church then the burial. Then we had a lunch at a restaurant. We rented the whole place so it was nice.

Neither of my husband’s brothers or sister are really spiritual (I have lovingly called them heathens for years n my Mother in law used to laugh lol) so I planned the funeral mass. It was beautiful and sweet. Just what she would’ve wanted. No hypocritical church bullshit lol. The priest looked like and sounded exactly like the actor from those old 7 up commercials. My H said his Mom would’ve really liked him.  I thought so too.

I was sitting there in the front on the aisle because I had to do a reading because my brother-in-law changed his mind which I understood.  It really hit me right them, standing near her covered casket and I started crying silently, the tears pouring down my face.  My H took my hand and squeezed while putting his arm around me.  Then of course I felt horrible that he had to comfort me because it was his Mom we lost. But just when I felt so weak and broken, I turned around and looked back at the church.  There a few rows back was my family!!   I knew they would all come to the wake. But I was so surprised and happy to see my Dad, his girlfriend, my brothers n sis in laws, even my cousin at the church. My Mom would’ve wanted that but I was so grateful and it gave me so much comfort and strength.  I know they are all very busy, except my Dad who’s retired, so the fact that they were all there for me?  It helped my heart tremendously and lifted my spirit more than words can ever say.  That’s why even if we drive each other nuts or piss each other off, it doesn’t matter.  When push comes to shove, we are always there for each other and that will never change.  I know how truly blessed and lucky I am to have them in my life.  I’m going to my brother’s house later for a birthday party for my nephew.  They will all be there and I will definitely tell them since I don’t tell them nearly enough how much they mean to me lol.

Life is so short! All that matters is love, family, friends, laughter, joy n yes passion n great sex lol. I know everything does happen for a reason and I am so grateful that I was here for my H when he needed me most. I will continue to be here for him.  But if January comes and there’s still not improvement in the sexless part of our marriage? I will not be living without love, sex and passion and that is non-negotiable.

Does It Really Matter?

A friend of mine was upset because she thinks her ex doesn’t care about her anymore. She also thinks she’s stupid for missing him.  I tried to explain to her that feelings are neither right nor wrong, they just are.  Trying to stop feeling something is like trying to stop the rain, virtually impossible. But it started me thinking and here’s my question to all those getting over a broken heart.

Does it really matter what he or she thinks of you now? I know in the beginning, when the heartache is fresh, it absolutely does.  But as you start to heal your heart and get stronger, who cares what the idiot that wasn’t smart enough to hold onto you thinks?

P doesn’t believe I’m better and happy. WTF?!? He actually thinks because we were so much in love that I’m just saying that! Which tells me two things:

  1. He never knew me as well as I thought he did because I really don’t lie about how I feel, good or bad. In fact the other day, a few things he said made me sad and I cried. But that was for just a few minutes.  Like my Mom, I feel things deeper than most.  This can be a blessing and a curse 🙂
  2. He wants to believe I am still pining for him because then we are in the same boat. In his very warped mind, there is still hope for us if he ever leaves. I did everything possible to explain to him that while the love we shared was something rare and special and I was absolutely ready to share a life with him, it no longer exists. And guess what?  I just don’t care if he doesn’t get it.

I’m sorry that doesn’t jive with where he is, but who the fuck cares? Where was he in December, January and February when I was on the edge of the fucking cliff? That’s right, he was kissing her frigid ass and being stalked by his really crazy Mom.

So let him KEEP kissing her ass and stay the fuck away from mine!

I’m good and strong and hopeful. Not every single day but most lately.

And for someone with Depression, that is all you can ask for. I am really happy about that.

Ok, I wrote this a few days ago and unfortunately I have taken a few steps backwards. But I am back to no contact and am going to beat my addiction by taking it one day at a time.  Thank you for not throwing tomatoes, eggs or anything.  Is is greatly appreciated 🙂