Tired but Happy

sun shining thru clouds

Yesterday was a rainy Monday and I was not quite ready to start the work week but I did.  Some days are just hard and I just feel exhausted before the day has even begun.  Today was much better, but still rainy.  I’ve been thinking about how much has changed in my life recently.  I’m so much happier and I feel more at peace.  P is gone and while not forgotten, he no longer has a starring role in my thoughts and in my heart.

My Hubby and I are really learning how to have fun together again.  We make each other laugh and have been really nice to one another, even when we are tired or cranky.  Just little things that add up to a happier marriage.  Like him doing things like keeping the bathroom clean without being asked or me cooking for him again and making sure he has clothes for the week.  I know it sounds like unimportant things but the difference is simple.  We think of one another’s happiness more.  The last few years it was what has he done for me lately or what has she done for me.  It wasn’t always but it was definitely a strong undercurrent. I resented being rejected over and over and over again.  I missed having sex and being intimate. I can’t speak for what was bothering him.  I do know the last 2 years he has grieved the death of his Dad a lot more than he ever thought.

He recently said he thought that I thought that he should get over it quicker.  I looked at him like he had 3 heads!?!?!  Get over it?  It took me a few years to heal after my Mom died!  He was there, he knew that.  So why would I EVER expect anything different from him?  I am many things but a hypocrite is not one of them.  I said I was very sorry he felt that way but I never intentionally said or did anything to make him feel like that.  I said I am not a mind reader and grief is personal.  Just because I didn’t sit you down and drag the feelings out of you doesn’t mean I didn’t care.  I thought I was being respectful and when you wanted to talk you would.  That’s what I did with my Mom.  I didn’t expect him to read my mind or make me better.  No one can do that but you.  I said I think you expect me to be a miracle worker and I’m not.  He smiled and said yeah maybe you are right about that.  But you just always seem to either know what to do or you know the answer so I guess we all look to you for guidance.  I said that’s wonderful but I’m not Google or a set of encyclopedias dear.  I am a human with flaws and weaknesses.  I make mistakes every day.  And I am not your Mother!  She is a lovely woman and I am happy to have her for a mother-in-law so you have no need for another.  He laughed and told me that I was right again lol.

So is it that oh so hot passionate erotic fun that I had with P?  No but that’s okay because it also doesn’t make me sad or hurt.   There is no lying or missing someone, no stolen moments,  no fear of anyone getting hurt, and no more living 2 half-lives like before.  It’s really pretty damn great lol!  I have no idea if it will last for a day, a week, a month, a year or the rest of our lives.  I think it’s best to just take every day as it comes and live the best life you possibly can with what you have.

And never forget to go where the love is!!!!!

tulips

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21 thoughts on “Tired but Happy

  1. soumichatterjeenath says:

    Dear friend I just crossed your path by chance but after reading your post I found am fortunate enough to cross u because I have found a resonance of mine in your words..When my husband expected me to be just the way my mom -in-law used to be..I sounded like u telling him that I am not your mom, I can’t be and I don’t want to be for she is a mom to u and I play a wife to u..and the best part is he understands and loves me the way I am..

    Liked by 1 person

  2. secretaffairstj says:

    your amazing individual that was able to get back on the horse with your marriage, because you love you spouse you not in it because you have too but because you want too..there is a difference and you are able to move on because you still have that connection

    Liked by 1 person

    • emmagc75 says:

      Of course. I told him before I was going to cheat, I told him after a few months with P and when it was over. He wasn’t happy but he didn’t make any changes until he heard P call me his soulmate on phone.

      Like

      • angelmorals says:

        Than I find this story more amazing because not many people can survive this kind of shock. You both are good example in how people can work through their issues. So your husband allowed this to happen?

        Like

        • emmagc75 says:

          Thank you and yes he really kind of did. This doesn’t excuse it or make it right. I didn’t want to leave because I still loved him and I thought I could just have sex without falling in love. What a complete naive idiot I was! I tried everything (YES EVERYTHING!! LOL) and nothing worked. I knew he wasn’t having an affair and 2 years ago his Dad died. But this started way before that. We are still working through it all but we’re both trying and that helps.

          Like

  3. bipolarsojourner says:

    you’re not Google?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! 🙂

    it brings me much gladness to see such intimacy between you and your husband. intimacy in my books is courage to get over were you are, the bravery and vulnerability to share it, and having the person be respectful and not taking advantage of the weakness.

    that definition works for sex, too. we all have vulnerabilities and insecurities, even when it come to sex. when sexual vulnerabilities and insecurities are share and respected there is intimacy.

    off my soapbox.

    btw, that tulip picture was taken about an hour from my house in the skagit valley, one of the largest tulip bulb productions in the world..

    Liked by 1 person

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