The Biggest Loser

Well it has started. The Biggest Loser competition at work. I’ve done it the last 3 years and I kept my index cards from the beginning. After getting weighed today, I am still down 21 lbs from 3 years ago. I figure at this rate, I will be completely happy with my body in about 4 years LOL!

It was actually kind of fun Thursday. I ate chips and then later I had a pint of ice cream!!! Today before I got weighed, I even had a donut. I was trying to pack on the pounds to increase my odds of winning. Because one of the guy teachers tacks on like 20 lbs before the competition and ends up winning every year. Uggh! I am very happy to report, he did not enter the contest this year. He’s a really sweet guy, so he probably wanted to let someone else win at least once lol.

I was bummed though because I was so sick for a few days and obviously lost a few pounds. If I had to get the stomach virus, I wish I had gotten it NEXT week ya know? LOL Oh well. I’m feeling so much better, not queasy or nauseous at all.

It was my Dad’s girlfriend’s birthday today, so we all went over for pizza and cake. My brother picked up the pizza and I got the ice cream cake because Dad is still struggling to get around on one leg. But he did put on pants for the occasion lol! We were all happy about that hee hee. And presents of course! Do u know how hard it was to find a card? She’s not my Mom so those cards were out, but she’s more than a friend. Finally I found a really sweet card to a very special person who means so much. Hallmark really needs to get on that! Lol

I was still a little tired but had such a good time. She’s such a lovely and special woman and we’re very lucky to have her in our family. The kids adore her and she is their grandma. She does crafts with them, bakes with them and loves them just as my Mom would’ve. And I know it makes Mom so happy that even though she can’t be with us, we have this wonderful and fun woman in our lives.

My little 4 year-old niece M and I were sitting alone on the couch and she said she had gone with her Daddy to see my Mom at the cemetery. She said “You know she didn’t get to meet me but I feel her love all the time. And she makes me laugh.” I said that’s wonderful M because she loved to laugh. She said I know that silly then she laughed!!! Then she asked me once someone is dead can they ever be undead again? I said not in the way we would like but we do get to see them again one day. And we keep them alive by telling memories and through love. She smiled wide, gave me a big hug and lots of kisses n ran to dance with her sister.

Hope everyone had a great week.
Sorry I haven’t been active this week. I slept a lot for a few days and missed 2 days of work. But I am feeling good and ready to get back in the swing of things again. Enjoy your weekend and go where the love is!

Chemical Imbalances: Real or Imagined?

I agree with this article. Just because they don’t know exactly which chemicals are imbalanced or if they are, they presume it to be true and try different medications to help. It’s a very inexact science and can be extremely frustrating. But to say that chemical imbalances DO NOT EXIST is bullshit and insulting to those of us that suffer with it.  I should not be made to feel bad because I had a pretty idyllic childhood with parents that were loving, supportive and fun. It’s a genetic lottery and for some of us our number comes up. It’s pretty simple. If I don’t disagree with you for believing that you’re depressed because you had shitty parents or cause something bad happened to you, don’t tell me chemical imbalances don’t exist. Now if you don’t have this type of illness and you are like my Uncle who used to believe there was no such thing as depression? LOL That kind of ignorance ACROSS THE BOARD I can totally understand. But you don’t get to pick and choose that your type of depression exists while my type doesn’t.


 

CHEMICAL IMBALANCES: REAL OR IMAGINED?  

by Pete Earley

One of the first phrases parents hear when a loved one shows symptoms of bipolar disorder, schizophrenia or persistent and major depression is “chemical imbalance.” I remember being shocked when I wrote this term in a Washington Post Op Ed piece and was confronted by someone who told me there is absolutely no scientific evidence that mental illnesses are caused by chemical imbalances in the brain.

So I was happy when I received an advance copy of the book: SHRINK RAP: Three Psychiatrist Explain Their Work   written by psychiatrists: Dinah Miller, Annette Hanson, and Steven Roy Daviss, who write a popular mental health blog. I found their comments about “chemical imbalances” helpful.

“Chemical imbalance is a term with imprecise meaning…Saying that a psychiatric disorder is caused by a chemical imbalance, although an imperfect explanation, sometimes makes psychiatric disorders more palatable to patients and less stigmatizing. The term gives some credence to the practice of treating these disorders with medication. But there is no psychiatric disorder for which we know for certain which chemicals are  “imbalanced” if any.

“We have reasons for believing that psychiatric disorders must certainly be mediated by biological factors. For one thing, psychiatric illnesses run in families, even when family members are separated at birth. Research has shown that genetic links, and even specific genes, may be associated with different disorders. Many studies have shown that the biological features of groups of people with illnesses are different from those same features in groups of people without those illnesses. What we don’t have, yet, is a specific reliable test for a certain genotype or enzyme level, or a brain scan finding that indicates that a specific person has a specific disease.”

The authors explain that if a person goes to the doctor because of increased thirst or urination and has a lab test done, and it shows markedly elevated blood sugar levels, then that patient most certainly has diabetes. But with a few rare exceptions, such as Huntington’s disease or Jacob-Creutzfelt dementia, there’s nothing like this in psychiatry — no blood test, no x-ray, no CT scan that yields a definitive diagnosis. In psychiatry, blood tests are ordered to rule out medical conditions that masquerade as psychiatric illnesses — especially thyroid conditions or high ammonia levels — or to monitor medication levels to make sure medications are not damaging a patient’s organs.

“We know that the medications used to treat mental illnesses alter the levels of certain neurotransmitters. The antidepressant Prozac increases levels of serotonin in the brain. We don’t know for sure that depression is caused by low levels of serotonin, or that raising these levels is the mechanism that helps to alleviate the symptoms, but many lines of evidence suggest such a connection. In simpler terms, we presume there is a ‘chemical imbalance,’ but it remains uncertain as to what that imbalance actually is. Serotonin may be just one step in the final common pathway, along with many other steps, that contribute to the syndrome of depression. Simply said, we don’t know the exact biological nature of what is wrong when someone has a mental illness; nor do we know for certain the exact mechanism by which medications or other treatments work.”

I agree with the Shrink Rap doctors. The term “chemical imbalance” is short-hand used by laypersons to describe what we can’t scientifically explain. We know something is awry in someone’s brain when he/she shows symptoms of bipolar disorder, schizophrenia or severe and persistent depression. We know chemicals often can help alleviate these symptoms. Ergo, we conclude the symptoms are the result of a “chemical imbalance” when the truth is that we don’t really know what is happening, only that something is.

I was fortunate enough to speak to Dr. Eric Kandel, the Nobel Prize winning doctor, who appeared on Minds on the Edge when it was produced by Fred Friendly Seminars. Dr. Kandel acknowledged that science simply hasn’t yet been able to discover the “biological underpinnings” of major mental disorders. But our lack of knowledge doesn’t mean a link doesn’t exist, he said. He asked why we continue to separate the brain from the rest of the body when we think of biological illnesses and genetic links. Why do we accept that they play a role in everything that happens beneath our chin but argue that they can’t be influencing our brains? The real tragedy, Dr. Kandel explained, is that medical research in nearly every other area of the body has moved forward significantly with the exception of our brains.

Read the whole article here: http://www.peteearley.com/2015/01/30/mental-illnesses-caused-chemical-imbalances/

Is It Just A Crappy Relationship?

Or are you trauma bonded to your spouse?
10 signs

Bonds between people can be an amazing, wonderful thing. You think of the love bond between happily married people. The maternal bond between mother and child. The friend bond between BFFs. But did you know that bonds can be formed that are every bit as strong but are harmful and toxic?

It’s counterintuitive, but people can develop incredibly deep loyalties to those who are using them, abusing them, and exploiting them. Think of the prostitute who “loves” her pimp. The abused wife who won’t leave her husband. Victims who help or even marry their kidnappers.

The bonds that form between a victim and an abuser are called “trauma bonds” or “betrayal bonds Could you be in a trauma bond with your spouse? Here are 10 signs you might be. (Trauma bonds happen to both men and women.)

1. You think being treated badly is normal. If you tell your friends and family how your husband/wife speaks and behaves toward you, they are concerned for you. Yet you think it’s not THAT bad and you stay, hoping they’ll change.

2. Fighting. You have repetitive fights about the same thing, over and over, and no one ever wins, there’s never any insight. If you do feel that you “got somewhere” with the fight, that’s all wiped out when you have the same fight about the same thing again — probably the next day.

3. You defend your abuser/user.You find yourself complaining to friends, family, or therapists about how your wife/husband is treating you, but then instantly begin to defend him/her or blame yourself, i.e., “Well, if I didn’t nag him so much, he wouldn’t have hit me,” or “If I wasn’t so fat or hairy, she wouldn’t need to cheat.”

4. Loss of free will. Everything in your mind tells you to leave your spouse, but you find yourself unable to make any kind of change. You’re stuck.

5. You’re in love with the fantasy, not the reality. You find yourself incredibly attached to the “storyline” of “how things should go” or “how they should be” despite the fact that the reality of the relationship bears little resemblance to it.

6. “Auuuughhh!!!” You often feel like Charlie Brown, who repeatedly kicks the football that Lucy holds, only to have her pull it out at the last minute. The idea that THIS TIME she won’t pull the football continues to have power despite her always pulling the football and you always landing on your back.

 7. You keep trying to “convert” your spouse into someone who treats you right, “convince” her to behave differently, or “prove” yourself to her. You think if only you can “prove” yourself, everything will be different. You try to get her to “understand” that what she does/says is hurtful to you. If only she would “understand”!

8. You don’t like her. You “love” your spouse, but you don’t like, respect, or even want to be around her.

9. The next generation. Although you can’t leave your spouse and even say you don’t want to, you’d be horrified if your daughter brought home a new boyfriend and declared he was “just like daddy.”

10. Obsession. If you do manage to break away from your spouse, you obsess and long to the point of nostalgia about the horrible relationship you got away from and that almost destroyed you.

Have you ever been in a trauma bond?

See full article here
<a href="http://thestir.cafemom.com/love_sex/162086/10_signs_youre_in_a&quot;

Make a wish

A beautiful post about an amazing woman by my devilish angel friend Son! Melanie you have been missed and we’re here for you. Love n healing to u!

sonofabeach96

imageI believe this.  I believe in the power of positive thinking, that our minds are capable of altering our realities, now and in the future.

I wonder though, can my positive thoughts and good vibes be transferred onto others?  Meaning, if I think good thoughts on someone else’s behalf, can that positivity be transferred to them?  If I wish for good for another, can that possibly have an impact,  helping good things to come their way?  I’m not claiming I’m some preacher laying my hands on the stricken and miraculously, they’re  healed.  I’m pondering the transference of energy, positive energy, and those thoughts, hopes, and wishes leading to positive results for someone else.

I suppose this is what some would refer to as praying, and that seems similar, on a cosmic kinda level.  But that’s asking for help from an invisible being, and steeped in ones personal level of faith…

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Turn the Page

I’ve been off from work all week, just relaxing and spending time with family and friends. I feel really good today. Full of hope and happiness 🙂

This is an old post but it’s a great lesson that I learned the hard way. Sending everyone hugs, love and healing. Go where the love is!

Continue reading

No One But Herself

This is for all the amazingly strong, loving women out there and the men smart enough and lucky enough to hold on to them and never let go. Go where the love and great sex is my friends!!

Emmagc75's Blog

Who Will Be No One But Herself
by Brigitte Nicole
I’m the type of woman who believes in love at first sight; who will listen to a love song and get emotional. The kind of woman who doesn’t get over things easily; who will hurt a lot when someone doesn’t love her back; who will cry herself to sleep because sometimes she feels she’s not good enough. But who’s also strong; who can cry her eyes out then forbid them to come back the next morning; who will pick herself up every time she falls; who will be no one but herself. ”

This quote really touched me because it describes a woman like myself.  I do get emotional and I do get hurt.  I’m also strong and a survivor, whether I want to be or not.  I’m happy with who I am and don’t try to be anyone else.  In…

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Adventures on Instagram

I have had an Instagram account for a few years, with maybe 5 posts until last year.  Now I have a whopping 22 posts.  Probably about 6 selfies, 10 pictures of family and the rest quotes or funny stuff. I think of it as more for a younger demographic. The selfie generation lol.

I remember the last time I posted a new picture and the next day a bunch of MALE models requested to follow me lol!  Now I am 40 years old and no one would ever confuse me for Selena Gomez.  All I have to say is it was very funny and flattering. And 2 of them are actually really good guys.

All I had to do was look at this pic and I was like “P who!?!?” LOL
image

Fast forward to today. Someone hacked my account!!!

It was still my screenname under a pic of this young pretty brunette with lots of cleavage. Then it said my boyfriend cheated on me n I want to get back at him!! Lol

I was in such shock I deleted it before taking a screenshot of it. Duhhh!!! I changed my password and made it stronger but still really bizarre. No big deal but it was kind of funny. I’m just lucky I happened to look at it before I started getting any offers I guess lol.

One Man’s Search

image

This was a search term on my blog the other day.

Sex with female narcissist, she ridiculed.

My first thought was Wow! Maybe Putz has been searching google again lol. I know it’s happened to him more than a few times. Then I just felt bad for the person searching this.

I know now there are people willing to put up with this kind of abuse for years. Nobody should ever ridicule someone they love. If you choose to stay with a narcissist, female or male, you will be mentally and emotionally abused. That is an absolute certainty.

Narcissists never change except when they act like they have to suck you back in. They are amazingly talented and charismatic actors. Also you are their main supplier of what they need to survive. Attention, adoration, and love gives them narcissistic supply.

They are incapable of real love or empathy, as you have surely witnessed by now. But they will fake it to keep you around. Just like they will put detergent in the washer to make it work, you are just another appliance to them. The best thing to do is let them think they’ve won and get far away from them ASAP. Don’t waste your life on these emotional vampires. They’re not worth losing anymore weeks, months or years with. Please get help from a therapist experienced with narcissistic abuse. Otherwise you’re just wasting time or worse will end up even more addicted to your narcissist spouse/significant other!

Free yourself from the trauma bond with the narcissist. It won’t be easy but it will definitely be worth it.

A Priceless Gift

“Sometimes the best thing someone we love with all our heart can do is leave; and during their absence you’ll see, you’re still alive and surviving each passing day on your own. You’ll then come to the realization that; they’re not air nor are they water. You never needed them as your mind had lead you to believe.”

To see the rest of this post: A Priceless Gift  at https://deanneworld.wordpress.com

Thank you! It really helped to see this today. This was a gift and a lesson that I never wanted to learn but I obviously needed to. It’s a great way to look at a loss or a rejection. 

Freaky Friday

Okay, today has been a strange one and not really in a good way. I just have felt this feeling of loneliness, even though I’ve been surrounded by people all day long. I just felt so alone, ugly and unloved. My friends thankfully reminded me I’m not. I was hoping not to be hormonal this month during my period, but obviously that ship has sailed. Oh well, lol.

I knew it had nothing at all to do with Putz and things with my H have been going really well. We have been talking more, spending more time together and yesterday he had me laughing so hard I almost fell off my chair at my desk.

Then my Dad called me and asked if I was starting to get melancholy because the anniversary of my Mom’s death is on Monday.  And bam, I realized why I was feeling so alone.  Thankfully, time has helped to dull the once sharp pains of loss and I am usually able to smile when I think of her and realize how lucky I truly was to be her daughter.  We have always tried to celebrate her life but we do usually go to Mass together and then to brunch on February 15th. I see now that we do it to help ourselves and each other cope with the loss of such an important part of our family. I know my Mom is happily smiling down at us with love and joy in her heart.  This song kind of says exactly how I feel sometimes.

You Are Not A Back-Up Plan

Backup-Plan..

backup

49730-love-rejection-quotes-hurt

Not spare time

choose me

2nd choice

I think so many women (and maybe a few men too) really need to get this concept. No one should ever feel like they are 2nd choice! Frankly I am worried that too many of us are giving away our self-respect because of love or a bond we think we share. I mean c’mon a guy shouldn’t make you miserable more than he makes you happy. That’s not love, that’s unhealthy. And a lot of times we’re addicted to this cycle of a yo yo relationship. It is not being true to ourselves. We seem to be excusing shitty treatment and bad behavior. So please let’s stop settling for less than we give and less than we deserve. Go where the real love is. xo

Positive Outlooks Blog

You are not a back-up plan. You are worth more than someone’s second choice. You can’t force yourself to stop caring for someone, but you can tell yourself that you deserve better. Never settle to be someone’s second best. Raise your standards and choose to be with someone who will treat you with the same respect and consideration you would treat them. You can’t expect to be someone else’s priority if you aren’t your own. — Unknown


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Love Addiction Withdrawal & NC

This was a post from a while ago, probably about 9 months ago. It helped me during some very dark days. Hope it can help someone else too.

The Process of Love Addiction Withdrawal By Alexandra Katehakis, MFT, CST, CSAT

It is well established that when a person becomes addicted to drugs or alcohol, they can experience physical and psychological withdrawal symptoms. Less is documented about the reality of physical and emotional withdrawal symptoms from love and sex addiction, yet they are no less real.

I see clients who are in withdrawal from love addiction and are struggling with symptoms indicative of a very real physical and emotional experience.

Symptoms can include insomnia and sleeplessness, flu-like symptoms, vomiting and other stomach ailments, as well as deep depression and grief states. These symptoms require a detoxification process much like drugs and alcohol do and working with a skilled therapist in addition to attending SLAA (Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous) 12-step meetings can be very helpful, if not crucial, for getting through this painful process.

Sometimes love addicts elect to go through this process when they reach the depth of despair about the state of their lives and addiction. This is a painful yet necessary step in the recovery process. Sometimes love addicts have to face withdrawal following the abandonment by a partner, often a love-avoidant one.

The love-avoidant person always has severe abandonment issues and desires unconditional positive regard from another adult, similar to what they received or did not receive in childhood from a parent. The problem with this is that no adult can provide the ongoing unconditional positive regard the love addict seeks. This can cause the love addict to cycle through a series of highs and lows that are quite intense and ultimately lead to incredible disappointment and devastation.

Love addicts often have a deep sense of discomfort and rarely experience a sense of peace or calm, due to the highs and lows of their intense relationships. Responsibilities relating to work, self-care and even parenting fall to the side in their pursuit of unhealthy relationships. Interestingly, while these relationships tend to be very intense, they seldom provide any real intimacy. What they do provide is a fantasy that does not reflect the reality of the object of their affections.

Some love addicts are in such extreme states of depression that they require antidepressant medication while they are working through core childhood issues with a therapist. Such medications can be helpful toward the love addict gaining some sense of stability while working through the pain that led to love addiction. Journaling, talking about childhood experiences, and grieving the initial abandonment by a parent in the family of origin under the care of a skilled therapist familiar with love addiction can be an important part of healing.

Love addicts have a deep need to bond with another person and become emotionally connected. Oftentimes, the choices they make in partnerships take them further away from getting the love they crave.

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I want to be completely honest folks, I am an addict and P is my drug of choice. Even after we “broke up” right after Thanksgiving, we spoke like 3 times a day for 2 months. The withdrawal was complete agony. He was all I wanted. I craved him like I craved oxygen and water. But while I definitely did miss him and love him, that was not the reason for my physical symptoms.

I craved the high I got seeing him, talking with him, texting, even emailing with him. When I broke NC, I definitely set myself back on my road to recovery and happiness. Because then he asked could he call me and then he asked to talk the next day, etc. We are both smarter now and realized we were backsliding very quickly. So we said goodbye again with him telling me he finally understands the agony and pain I experienced back months ago. He said that is what he is experiencing now. But I think that is because he remains lonely and unloved despite all his efforts. It takes 2 people to save and rebuild a marriage.

The only bright side is that my trauma from certain events that occurred (him changing his cell # and not giving me a heads up as promised is just one example) has finally started to heal. I better understand that I was loved very much and still am. It was comforting to know that he still cries when he hears our song and a few others that remind him of me and all we shared. It’s so easy to believe we are the only ones suffering the loss and the withdrawal. We aren’t.

I just cannot go back on the emotional roller-coaster that our relationship had become at the end. I choose to be happy, healthy and at peace. NO CONTACT means I will not have to doubt a man’s love or commitment to me. It also means I will never again share a man’s heart. I deserve better, we all do. It’s not sexy or exciting but for addicts like us, it’s the only way. For some, maybe not forever. But at least until we get to a point that we do not care AT ALL. And that takes a pretty long time for most.

So while I was at 93 days NC, now I have to start over one day at a time.

DON’T WORRY. The above was all written many, many months ago. I’m doing really great now. Happy and finally at peace. I’ve learned to let go. He was obviously a lesson I needed to learn. Wow 93 days NC! I can’t wait to get there again ASAP 🙂

if you have a choice

 

one day

once in lifetime

I-forgive-but-I-also-learn-a-lesson

 

Change of Plans

florida beach

I was supposed to be leaving on a big old jet plane this Friday, heading down to sunny Florida.  But I was going to be staying at my Dad’s condo he rented for a few months. Since he is stuck up here in NY recuperating from surgery, he asked if I can come down in April or May instead. When I actually thought about it, I realized I honestly wasn’t that keen on going on vacation by myself anyway. I could definitely get into a whole lot of trouble left on my own for that long, that’s for sure. My H took over 3 weeks off from work when his Mom suddenly got sick and then passed away in October so he wasn’t able to come now anyway. He won’t have any time built up for a few months.

I was planning on spending most of my time at the beach or pool, getting some sun and hanging out with my cousin (she’s probably one of the only people I know down there under the age of 60 lol). And while I am a little bummed to not be in the nicer weather, it was beginning to feel kind of strange to be going by myself. I’ve flown by myself before, so that wasn’t a problem for me. I was about 22 and ended up meeting a professional tennis player on the flight down who took me out to dinner while I was away lol.

I bought insurance which it turns out isn’t so simple to actually claim. I have to provide medical documentation and submit a claim form if I want to get a refund. They make is seem so easy when you’re paying the extra $60 lol. But I can get the documentation from my Dad’s doctor and my Dad offered to pay any out of pocket expenses to change my flight. And I will go down in April when I have a week off then. Gotta love school schedule lol.

Last night my husband came into our bedroom and he was so cute. He said since you’re staying home next week and I have off on President’s Day, do you want to take a shorter trip and maybe go to Atlantic City? I said sure, that sounded like a great idea.  Who knows? Maybe a change of scenery will spark something romantic.

Superbowl

For me, the best part of the Superbowl is the commercials. And this year is no different. So far the funniest have been:
1. The Doritos sonagram
2. Kevin Hart date
3. Hyundai auto start with the bears
4. Amazon with Alec Baldwin, Dan Marino n Missy Elliot
5. Budlight with Seth Rogan n Amy Schumer
6. Superbowl babies

My H and I brought food over to my Dad’s house. We’re all watching the game here. It’s been funny watching Dad walking with his little scooter. He puts his knee down on the seat and pushes with his good leg. The other night his gf and I both took it for a spin lol. She even yelled weee as she went down the hallway. Hope everyone is having a great weekend 🙂

I Wish You Enough

I just read this and it’s so beautiful and really touched my heart. I had to share it.

From

http://lessonslearnedinlife.com/goodbye-i-wish-you-enough-2/

“I wish you enough”

Recently, I overheard a mother and daughter in their last moments together at the airport as the daughter’s departure had been announced. Standing near the security gate, they hugged and the mother said: “I wish you enough.”The daughter replied, “Mom, our life together has been more than enough. Your love is all I ever needed. I wish you enough, too, Mom.” They kissed and the daughter leftThe mother walked over to the window where I sat. Standing there, I could see she wanted and needed to cry.I tried not to intrude on her privacy but she welcomed me in by asking, “Did you ever say good-bye to someone knowing it would be forever?” “Yes, I have,” I replied. “Forgive me for asking but why is this a forever good-bye?””I am old and she lives so far away. I have challenges ahead and the reality is the next trip back will be for my funeral,” she said.

When you were saying good-bye, I heard you say, “I wish you enough.” May I ask what that means?”

She began to smile. “That’s a wish that has been handed down from other generations. My parents used to say it to everyone.” She paused a moment and looked up as if trying to remember it in detail and she smiled even more.

“When we said ‘I wish you enough’ we were wanting the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them”. Then turning toward me, she shared the following, reciting it from memory,

“I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright.

I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more.

I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive.

I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger.

I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.

I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.

I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye.”

She then began to cry and walked away.

They say it takes a minute to find a special person. An hour to appreciate them. A day to love them. And an entire life to forget them.

Written by Bob Perks

Surgery

My Dad had surgery on his badly broken foot last night.  The surgery went well and took almost 5 hours.  They put a few pins in and 2 plates. He didn’t get out of recovery until midnight, so I ended up not going to the hospital last night.  I get up at 6 am for work and I have just been exhausted lately.  My brother and sister-in-law were up there with my Dad’s girlfriend. He will have months of recovery and can’t put any weight on the left foot for 2 months.

So can someone please tell me why I feel so friggin guilty? Probably because I’m the girl and I’ve just always been the one who does ALL the caretaking. I guess I’m just having a rough week and I’m extra sensitive.  Doesn’t help that he was in the same hospital that my Mother-in-law was in having her hip surgery a month before she died 5 months ago. I don’t need a psychology degree to realize I’m avoiding certain feelings regarding grief and the eventuality of losing him some day.

He’s always been my rock and I need him more than I’d like to admit. We have been there for one another through everything.  That first year after my Mom died and he didn’t leave the house some days? He always called only me just to say he was still alive and so I didn’t worry.

Growing up when someone asked are you a Mommy’s girl or a Daddy’s girl? I never hesitated to say “BOTH!” LOL. I have always been close to both my parents and kept very few secrets from either of them.  I’ll never forget when I was about 5 and he took me to lunch so my Mom could clean the house on a Saturday. My brothers had gone to the movies with their friends. My Mom figured we’d go to McDonalds or something similar. But technically she didn’t specify lol. We went to this fancy and expensive restaurant with cloth napkins which is known for great steaks and lobster. Boy was she pissed when we got home and she had just finished eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich! Not that he had taken me there, but that we hadn’t brought her home any lobster 🙂

Well he was discharged a little while ago and I am going to the drugstore after work to pick up his prescriptions and then meeting them at his house.  I’m sure he is going to have some smart ass remark/joke about me not going to hospital last night lol. And that’s okay. I know he just feels more secure when I’m around as I do when he’s around. We’ve been through a lot together, more than most. My cancer, my Mom’s, the time I got roofied the night before Thanksgiving and stopped breathing on the way to the hospital with only he and I in the car and ended up on a respirator for 3 days. Oh and then the time when I was underage and got literally thrown out of a bar face first (not because I was underage because we all were but because I had given the bouncer a fake number a few weeks earlier). He thought he could do whatever he wanted because we were all underage and I guess they figured we’d never tell our parents. But like I said, I didn’t keep secrets from my parents. My Dad and brother made me take them right back while my friends waited at our house and point him out. The music stopped, the lights went on, and the bouncer tried to hide lol. He was a pretty big guy, over 6 feet, and my Dad just grabbed him by the neck, lifted him off the ground and made him apologize to me. My brother knew the bar owner and the rest of the bouncers/bartenders, so everyone hung back and just let him get what he deserved.

We’re family, always there for one another through thick and thin.  Yes, we drive one another nuts but we’re still there when it matters, no questions asked. And I think that’s what family means. More than simply a blood relation, it’s shared history and shared experiences. Family, friends, love, and laughter mean the most in life.  If you’re rich in those things, I think you’re pretty damn lucky.