The Relationship Between Sensitive People and Narcissists

The Relationship Between Sensitive People and Narcissists

Why HSPs attract and are attracted to narcissists and other negative people.

by Deborah Ward

Many highly sensitive people have asked me why they so often end up in relationships with narcissists or other negative types of people, who take advantage of us, drain our energy and take our kindness without giving anything in return. Whether these people are co-dependents, addicts, abusive, or narcissists, they disrespect our boundaries, blame, criticize and make us feel so bad about ourselves that we don’t have the energy to leave. So what is it about sensitive people and narcissists that creates such an attraction and leaves such a trail of destruction?

HSPs are compassionate and empathetic by nature. We feel other people’s pain instinctively and want to help. In addition, narcissists are experts at manipulation and control, so they will use your big heart for their own ends (see my post The Highly Sensitive Person and the Narcissist). HSPs can feel such intense love and compassion for people that we can believe our love can heal others. And often other people are so amazed and relieved by receiving this much love and understanding, they respond with enormous gratitude and often flattery. Sensitive people respond to this praise by feeling good about ourselves and feeling needed and so we give more. But as this pattern continues, we end up giving until we’ve got nothing left and getting nothing in return, under the mistaken belief that if we just give a little more, it will be enough. But it’s never enough because the narcissist is an empty vessel, a bottomless pit of need.

What’s important to remember is that it’s not your love they need. It’s their own. You will never be able to ‘fix’ anyone. What’s more, you shouldn’t. Everyone has their own path to follow and to become a whole and healthy person, everyone needs to walk that path on their own, making their own mistakes, learning to pick themselves up, and discovering how to love themselves. Without those valuable lessons, a person will never have enough love to give to someone else. Trying to get a narcissist to love you is like carrying a baby around in your arms and waiting for them to start walking. Sometimes helping too much can leave the other person crippled. They need to learn on their own.

Unfortunately, without learning to love themselves, hurtful people spend their lives trying to get the love they’re missing inside from someone else. That someone else is often a sensitive person because we have Compassion written all over us. But don’t let it be you. You are not responsible for someone else’s journey. What you are responsible for is your own journey, your own feelings, your own life. You don’t need to feel good about yourself by depending on others to tell you you’re a kind person or thanking you for helping them or making you feel needed. Relying on someone else to make you believe these things will only make you dependent on them, and then you will become a victim once again. You need to give all that to yourself. Show up with everything you need in your own back pocket. Know that you are a good and kind person, know that you are capable of enormous compassion and love and know that you are deserving of love yourself. If the other person doesn’t reflect that in the way they treat you, it’s time to leave.

The following are further reasons why HSPs are often attracted to narcissists:

1. Our giving nature means we often put other people’s needs before our own.

2. We’re so open we take on other people’s stuff like emotional storage containers.

3. If you have low self-esteem you can overlook the signs that things aren’t right, that you aren’t being treated right and so you ignore the injuries to your self and let it continue.

4. If you feel like a victim or have been victimised in the past, you will project that belief outwards. Narcissists will pick up on it and home in on you as a target. (See my post Feeling Like a Victim)

5. HSP’s sensitivity to other people’s feelings means it can feel wrong to say no. We think since we can feel it, we must do something about it. But we are not responsible for other people’s feelings.

The way to stop attracting narcissists is to change your beliefs about yourself and the way you feel about yourself. Here’s how:

1. Set up boundaries to keep yourself safe. Learn to let in people who will be there for you and keep out the people who only want something from you. I highly recommend the book Boundaries(link is external)for specifics on how to set and enforce your boundaries and keep negative people out of your personal space.

2. Focus on your positive qualities and feel good about yourself, by yourself. Write in a journal to get your feelings out and develop an awareness of who you are, your feelings and your beliefs. Read back over what you’ve written over a period of weeks or months to see how you’re responding to situations and you’ll begin to see patterns in your behaviour and your beliefs about yourself and your relationships.

3. Learn how to use your sensitivity and empathy for the good. Two of the best uses are helping other people in a volunteer or charitable role and channelling it into a creative pursuit. Using your creative energy, in either volunteering or creative ways, will help you to feel grounded. You will feel a sense of belonging and connection to the wider world, and that you have an essential place in it. By shifting your energy into an activity you are passionate about, you will also give yourself something positive to focus on so that you’re not focusing solely on giving to someone who is making demands of your energy and attention. At the same time, you will be filling your life with positive feelings. Without this connection, you can feel frightened and alone and afraid to let go of what’s bad for you and too easily forget that you are connected to everything and that you are loved and safe.  

Codependency & Narcissism Part 2 – A Winning Team/Dance

 

By David Thomas, PhD

Codependents are individuals who become dependent upon narcissists, (or alcoholics or drug addicts.) The concept of Codependence is derived from the ‘co-alcoholic’ behavior of spouses and children in chemically dependent family systems. Counselors observed that family members often took on the psychological defenses and survival behaviors of the alcoholic, thereby extending the disease from the individual to the entire family.

In the same way, codependents take on the psychological defenses and survival behaviors of the narcissist, thereby extending the narcissism from the individual to the entire household or workplace.

The following definitions of codependence describe how the codependent feels and what he feels he must try to achieve:

“A pattern of painful dependence on compulsive behaviors and on approval from others in an attempt to find safety, self-worth, and identity.“

The condition wherein one person tries to control another and to be responsible for the consequences of the behavior of that other person.

This definition of codependence goes some way to explaining what causes codependency:

A pattern of coping which develops because of prolonged exposure to and practice of dysfunctional family rules that make difficult the open expression of thought.”

Codependency is a condition that affects a large percentage of the adult population in varying degrees. Other terms often used for codependent behavior in relation to narcissism are ‘enabler’, ‘follower’, ‘covert narcissist’, ‘inverted narcissist’ and and ‘co-narcissist’.

Codependents seek security both at work and at home, so they are drawn to individuals who are, or appear to be, confident, positive and self-assured. Narcissists display these very qualities, displaying an air of superiority, grandiosity and self-importance. Codependents admire these qualities, and narcissists crave admiration.

Narcissists don’t want their superiority challenged, so they engage in relationships with individuals who are prepared to remain subservient to them. Codependents, who have been brought up in an environment that ensures they will avoid confrontation if at all possible, are therefore ideal partners. Codependents also find it difficult to make decisions, always checking with others before making choices. The narcissist’s constant need for attention fits ideally with this characteristic of the codependent, who ends up checking with the narcissist before making decisions.

However, by subordinating his needs to the narcissist, the codependent puts himself into a position whereby he feels the need to defend the behavior of his narcissistic partner, boss or friend. He takes on the psychological defenses and survival behaviours of the narcissist. This ultimately results in codependent behavior characterized by dishonesty and denial.

Codependency, Don’t Dance!

When a codependent and narcissist come together in their relationship, their dance unfolds flawlessly: The narcissistic partner maintains the lead and the codependent follows. Their roles seem natural to them because they have actually been practicing them their whole lives; the codependent reflexively gives up their power and since the narcissist thrives on control and power, the dance is perfectly coordinated. No one gets their toes stepped on.  

Typically, codependents give of themselves much more than their partners give back to them. As “generous” but bitter dance partners, they seem to be stuck on the dance floor, always waiting for the “next song,” at which time they naively hope that their narcissistic partner will finally understand their needs. Codependents confuse caretaking and sacrifice with loyalty and love. Although they are proud of their unwavering dedication to the person they love, they end up feeling unappreciated and used. Codependents yearn to be loved, but because of their choice of dance partner, find their dreams unrealized. With the heartbreak of unfulfilled dreams, codependents silently and bitterly swallow their unhappiness.   

Codependents are essentially stuck in a pattern of giving and sacrificing, without the possibility of ever receiving the same from their partner. They pretend to enjoy the dance, but really harbor feelings of anger, bitterness, and sadness for not taking an active role in their dance experience. They are convinced that they will never find a dance partner who will love them for who they are, as opposed to what they can do for them. Their low self-esteem and pessimism manifests itself into a form of learned helplessness that ultimately keeps them on the dance floor with their narcissistic partner.  

The narcissist dancer, like the codependent, is attracted to a partner who feels perfect to them: Someone who lets them lead the dance while making them feel powerful, competent and appreciated. In other words, the narcissist feels most comfortable with a dancing companion who matches up with their self-absorbed and boldly selfish dance style. Narcissist dancers are able to maintain the direction of the dance because they always find partners who lack self-worth, confidence and who have low self-esteem — codependents. With such a well-matched companion, they are able to control both the dancer and the dance.   

Although all codependent dancers desire harmony and balance, they consistently sabotage themselves by choosing a partner who they are initially attracted to, but will ultimately resent. When given a chance to stop dancing with their narcissistic partner and comfortably sit the dance out until someone healthy comes along, they typically choose to continue their dysfunctional dance. They dare not leave their narcissistic dance partner because their lack of self-esteem and self-respect makes them feel like they can do no better. Being alone is the equivalent of feeling lonely, and loneliness is too painful to bear.  

Although codependents dream of dancing with an unconditionally loving and affirming partner, they submit to their dysfunctional destiny. Until they decide to heal the psychological wounds that ultimately compel them to dance with their narcissistic dance partners, they will be destined to maintain the steady beat and rhythm of their dysfunctional dance.  

Through psychotherapy, and perhaps, a 12-step recovery program, the codependent can begin to recognize that their dream to dance the grand dance of love, reciprocity and mutuality is indeed possible. Through therapy and a change of lifestyle, codependents can build (repair) their tattered self-esteem. The journey of healing and transformation will bring them feelings of personal power and efficacy that will foster a desire to finally dance with someone who is willing and capable of sharing the lead, communicating their movements, and pursuing a mutual loving rhythmic dance.  

In conclusion, it is my belief that all codependents, if motivated and committed to a healing and engaging psychotherapy process, are able to stop their insanity-inducing dance with narcissists.  Through a non-wavering belief in one’s self-worth and commitment to the ideal of healthy and resilient love, we all can finally experience personal and relational joy.

The quote that best captures my philosophy of the codependency recovery process comes from George Eliot:  “It’s never too late to be what you might have been.”  Or, as I might say it, “It is never too late to dance with the partner of your dreams.”

By Ross Rosenberg, M.Ed., LCPC, CADC

Control, Fear and Mistakes

This post is raw, brutal and honest.

I can only control what I think and feel. I’m so sorry you were too scared to take a chance on us. Because we will never know just how special and wonderful it could’ve been.

Life is about choices and you were a complete coward. I wasn’t wrong for believing in you and us. I took a leap of faith and I will never regret that.  The only regrets in life are the chances we didn’t take.

That’s what I have been struggling with. Thinking I made a mistake. But I didn’t. The mistake was YOURS for not believing in yourself and in us. Your family would’ve gotten over it or they wouldn’t.

You just were too damaged to choose the life you were meant to have INSTEAD of the life THEY chose for you.

You haven’t forgotten me. If anything, you can’t forget me and its only gotten harder to stay away. I was the light in your life.

The one purely good loving relationship you have ever had or ever will have. The only person who loved you unconditionally (like your mother should’ve but doesn’t). Who loved you with all your flaws, weaknesses and huge laundry list of issues both physical and mental.

But because your Mother never made you feel good enough, you chose a frigid, emotionally and physically withholding, narcissistic wife for whom you will NEVER be good enough.

And the truly sick part is you had a chance to escape the hell you live in!!! But no, you chose to stay and continue to beg and scrape for a few crumbs of affection.

It’s truly horrific and pathetic. You had a chance to be happy and to be better. But nope not for you. U enjoy making everything harder and more difficult.

It’s totally exhausting and completely unnecessary. It’s why people shun you and don’t want to be around you. But unlike everyone else, I listened to you. I supported and comforted you more times than I can count.  You were there for me too and I will cherish all our many adventures.

I am your soulmate and you are mine. You showed me that. But sometimes soulmates are not meant to spend their lives together.  I understand that now.  Maybe you will do better in your next life. Because in this one I just could never trust or believe in us the way I need to. The way I used to.

For us there will be no fairytale ending. You showed me the kind of man you truly are. A weak man easily controlled and dominated by others who would rather live alone, full of sadness and regret, than risk losing people that care nothing about his happiness.

I stood up to your Mother for you in a way NO ONE EVER HAS. Even after all you had done and the pain you caused, I had enough courage and loyalty to defend you like no one ever had before or ever will again.

So you don’t get another chance for my love.

I may not have closure but at least I have no regrets. You get to live every single day wondering if things could have been different, been better.  I think a life filled with love, support and acceptance is always worth fighting for.

You had 3 affairs over 7 years.  Just because I’m the only one you fell in love with doesn’t negate the others. Whatever made you think you had a marriage worth saving?? For your kids?!? They are both completely fucked up because they see a horribly screwed up relationship AND THINK THAT’S WHAT MARRIAGE IS!?! 2 people who don’t like one another and show little to no affection or love!!!! Yeah great job Dad!

The saddest part of all is that you sacrificed your life for NOTHING! Just to fuck up your kids worse than if you had left the marriage, been happy and still been there for them everyday.  I never once in all the time we were together failed to put them first.  They are the most important people in your life and I’m sorry she threatened to turn them against you.

Your son is a kind person.  But he’s also 17 going on 10.  You keep him as stifled and bound as your parents kept you. And your daughter has all the characteristics of a sociopath. Teachers and even her principal have told you she needs psychological help and you refuse to listen.  Because then people would know and the frigid one cares more about what people think than getting her daughter the help she so desperately needs. You must be so proud.

I’m so tired of caring and worrying about someone that just doesn’t matter. I mean if the people who have known you all your life think you’re a chooch, they must know something I don’t right?

I have never in all my 40 years ever heard of a mother who chooses someone over their own son! That’s disgusting so either she’s completely fucked up or you are. I think it’s both.

I can only imagine the years of disappointment and complete dysfunction you saved me from. I wouldn’t wish that pack of jackals on my worst enemy.

But I would’ve been kind to them anyway because I loved you. I only wanted us to be happy together. I guess because you don’t love yourself enough, you never really believed I loved you.  They said I would leave you to scare you but you believed it.  Control through fear, bullying, intimidation and lies IS NOT LOVE.

This journal is my closure. I’m sorry you’re so weak and sick. I hope you get better and it’s getting easier and easier to forget you and the love we once shared.

Soon the only memory of it (for me, not you) will be on these pages.

You chose a person who you can barely stand. A woman completely opposite of me. Not loving, sweet, giving or kind. You truly are batshit crazy and I don’t miss all the bullshit you live with and create.  We used to laugh and marvel at the fact that your crazy fit my crazy lol.

Mine is a life of love, light, kindness, authenticity and laughter. While yours is all lies, smoke, mirrors, acting and pretend.

Your marriage will end or you will cheat again. It’s who you are and what you do. You go as long as you can without even basic human affection (as well as sex).  Then you crack and bam another affair.

Most people learn from their mistakes. But you are either too stubborn or stupid. You do the same things over and over and over again, always expecting different results. That’s insanity but that’s you. Always has been and I guess it always will be.

Affairs aren’t the answer and 1 was enough to show me that.  Anything that has to be done in secret isn’t worth doing.

Song of the day

Today was a great day then it got a little difficult probably because I went to bed too late and the dreaded PMS (yes all the guys have immediately left the room I’m sure lol).

While this is not one of our songs, it always reminds me of P. I just want to remember him one day without all the pain and heartache. Unfortunately that day isn’t today.

I’m leaning into the curve, secure in the knowledge that tomorrow will be better and happier.

Is he friggin serious!?!?

You must Never forget who was there for you when no one else was.

Unknown

 

This is what he posted yesterday. I know he’s talking about me and it just makes me shake my head. Yes I absolutely was there for him when no one else was for a year and a half. But in the end, it truly didn’t matter to him. I didn’t matter to him. And I really have no use for a guy that uses social media to send obscure messages.

I am not perfect but I am honest, upfront and open. I told my H I was losing it and would soon cheat. He did nothing. When I started the affair, before I fell in love with P, I told him! Does this make it right? No  it doesn’t.

I know now affairs cannot work. For me it was living 2 half lives instead of 1 full one. Looking back, I was willing to give up so much for him but he obviously wasn’t willing to give up anything for me.  He said I was the woman he loved and wanted to be with. I taught him how to love, how to communicate and how to strengthen a relationship through compromise. He said I was securely in his heart, mind and soul and then poof he was gone.

He’s way too old to be acting like he’s in junior high. Just a little more time and my heart will be healed.

Men & Women

Its always been my philosophy that men are stupid and women are crazy. Now imagine my surprise when I recently discovered a quote by the late comedian George Carlin saying the same exact thing! Maybe I saw it on cable as a teen and it just made sense lol.

Men are stupid because they really don’t realize how easy it is to make most of us happy. A flower, a love note, heck I adored this little bottle of sand that said Jersey Shore my ex bought me to remember a trip we took last year. It’s simple little things that melt my heart. And if they just put in the tiniest bit of effort, we would have no trouble picking up their socks or even converting from a lifelong Giants fan to a Jets fan upon marriage. (That was H’s condition and mine was lots of sex. I lived up to my side of the bargain and he soooo hasn’t.)

Women are crazy because a lot of us expect guys to automatically know what we like and what makes us happy. And because we change our minds a LOT and sometimes expect them to just know this without us bothering to tell them about said changes lol.

Anyway, I still cannot believe that old guy and I shared a basic life philosophy about the sexes. Blows my mind!

And while yes this may be a gross generalization, its also just my opinion. And like they say “Opinions are like assholes, everybody has one!”