For Those Suffering

sun thru cracks

 

And so this post is for you. For those whose suffering feels unnoticed. For those people who feel quietly stuck inside their mind. For those that feel hopeless. For those whose cries for help are mislabelled or misunderstood as cries for attention or flaws in their being. For the people who feel too tired to continue on. For people who struggle with depression and for people who don’t. For people who are having a bad day, a bad season, or a rough stretch of life. And for those people who don’t understand the illness but are willing to try. It’s okay – whatever you need, wherever you are, however long it takes – it’s okay. There is still time. To ask for help. To grow. To heal. To recover. There is still time for the sunshine to begin to seep through the cracks. For a flower to grow straight from your heart. ~Jessica Jensen

A new day, a new withdrawal

'I know it's hard, ma'am, but the worst is over. The vomiting and severe shakes are nearly gone...'

Oh my god does this suck!!!  Uggh!! Withdrawal symptoms are back with a vengeance today. I am sad, weepy, disappointed and pissed off at P and myself all at once!  So I blocked him on Facebook, not because he will contact but to help myself keep the hell away from something that only ends up hurting me in the end.  Now I remember why they say NO CONTACT at all!  Thanks, P!  Seriously, I know as an addict I must take responsibility for my own actions. I did this to myself.  But just like his brain is damaged and addicted from years of mental abuse conditioning by so so, mine is conditioned to miss him and want him. Just like a drug addict needs a fix and an alcoholic needs a drink, I want to hear his voice or see his face.  It is that simple.

I have been great and happy,  totally good right?  No problem.  Said goodbye and went back to my life.  I had a great relaxing, uneventful weekend with hubby, which was way past due lol.  We have had parties (Holy Communions, Graduations, Memorial Celebrations, etc.) every single weekend for the last 2 months.  Now I realize what a blessing that was. Not only did I have a heck of a lot of fun with hubby, family and friends but I had something to occupy my time and help me forget P.

I guess I just feel like a fool for still caring about him after all he has said and done over the last 7 months.  I honestly don’t know how in love with him I am anymore.  Back then I adored him and just wanted to spend time with him.  He made me truly enjoy life and all the simplest pleasures it has to offer.  We had so many adventures and always met the funniest, most interesting people on our journeys.  I have to start doing that with my H again.  It might never be quite as magical because of the way my heart bonded with his, but it also won’t hurt like hell either.

Thankfully this is just a small blip in a very happy and joyful life.  I’m not gonna lie or bs anyone that is experiencing heartbreak, the end of an affair or the loss of any important relationship. 7 months ago the pain was so unbearable and intense, there were days when I didn’t think I would make it or if I even wanted to.  But I have to believe that every experience teaches us something on our journey of life.  What this taught me besides DON’T HAVE AN AFFAIR, I am still figuring out lol.

While I regret so much, I simply cannot regret meeting and loving P.  It changed me in so many ways and hopefully for the better.  He made me want to do better, to be a better person.  Not many people have inspired me like that just through their love for me.  I would like to believe that I made him a better person and in the end, changed his life for the better.  It opened my eyes to living again after my Mom died.  And the kissing for hours and amazing sex that just kept getting better was pretty damn wonderful. We could literally talk about anything and everything, no subject was too weird, taboo or awkward.  I have never had that with anyone else in my lifetime (although my Mom and H come close).  Why was that?  I guess I will never know the significance.  I was in a cocoon and P helped me emerge a beautiful butterfly. I think maybe now it’s just time for me to finally fly away.

We all make choices and decisions in life, for one reason or another.  Whether it’s because of love, fear, anger, sadness, jealousy or because it feels safe and comfortable, I don’t know.  But those choices have consequences and we have to live with them until we have the courage to CHANGE. Narcissists cannot change what they are but the rest of us that do not have some sort of personality disorder can.  So even when we feel weak, stuck or unworthy, we must remember we are not only worthy of love, we deserve it.  We need good healthy love in our life in some way.

I know I will be happy in my life, no matter what happens.  I also know that I have to take my own advice.  I have to Go Where the Love Is!  Not where my heart wants to be but where I am loved, appreciated and cared for.  I am going to focus all my energy on letting go and moving on this summer.  No more looking back, it is time to turn the page and start a new chapter.  Now I’m feeling excited and smiling, not crying and sad 🙂

“For what it’s worth: It’s never too late to be whoever you want to be. I hope you live a life you’re proud of, and if you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start over.”
— F. Scott Fitzgerald

How Narcissistic Women Screw Men/Women with Sex and Control

Wow! Holy Cow! I am in shock. P could have written this article! This is very close to being exactly what he experienced and still does! He was called a pervert and still is for trying to touch his narcissist. Made to feel shame and guilty for wanting sex once in a while lol.

It saddens me to know he is so completely controlled and dominated by this sick cycle of abuse. He might never break free from this sick twisted woman. I will say a prayer for him and wish him well.

nataliesbrainstatic

How Narcissistic Women Screw Men/Women with Sex and Control

Abuse and women are not usually considered as one and the same. But, many men are victims of sexually abusive women. Some men are physically assaulted, while others are victims of mental abuse.

Sex and healthy relationships are synonymous. However, if you’re involved with an emotionally narcissistic woman, most likely the sex is just for her own self-esteem and well-being.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is described as a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and a lack of empathy. This type of person is usually self-centered, egotistical, smug and fascinated with oneself. The narcissist has been described as turning inward for gratification rather than depending on others, and as being excessively preoccupied with issues of personal power and prestige. Narcissistic personality disorder is, usually, someone who is considered to be self-centered.

Narcissistic Behaviors

Basically narcissistic women possess three types of…

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Writer’s Block

I developed my love of reading and writing at a very young age. When I was 5 I read Charlotte’s Web out loud to my Mom. It’s a 4th grade book so she was pretty impressed lol. Writing used to be so easy for me.  I would just sit down, take out paper and later my laptop, and away I’d go, off on an adventure. It was an escape and a passion that brought me joy. I even had a few poems published years ago. I never struggled to find the right words to convey the sentiment of each particular piece. I love English Literature so much, I majored in it in college.

When my Mom passed away, in addition to a lovely twitch above my right eye (thank god that stopped a few weeks later, thank you zanax lol), I developed my first case of writer’s block.  No matter how much I tried, I just couldn’t write a thing. This went on for a long time, a few years.  It is now 6 years later, and while I have obviously started writing again, it still isn’t what it used to be.

Funny, I never ever expected to have trouble in this particular area.  Words have always come so easily and I guess I thought they always would.  I actually pretty much took it for granted that whenever I was ready, I could just go back to it without missing a beat.  Boy, was I wrong! Just one more thing that sucks about getting older huh? LOL

Or maybe it’s more of a use it or lose it proposition?  I truly hope all my creativity is just lying dormant and hasn’t completely dried up.  

I think I will endeavor to write a little each day, hoping that will inspire me.

What abusers hope we never learn about trauma bonding

I never knew that it was not only possible but common for someone to be so closely bonded and addicted to their narcissist spouse. It happens without them even realizing it. It is why so many choose to stay trapped, feeling alone, miserable and unloved for years, even decades.
It is not your fault but there is a way out. You can break free of the cycle of abuse and learn to love yourself again. But the first step is to see the truth and stop being in denial. The overt and/or covert narcissist will not change and things will never get better as long as you stay with them.

Avalanche of the soul

Do you think you can’t leave your abusive partner? Do you feel hopeless when you return to a relationship filled with pain? Or, do you dwell on your toxic ex and struggle to stay away? Then you may be caught in a carefully crafted trauma bond – but you don’t need to be Houdini to escape.

Photo by Clearly Ambiguous Photo by Clearly Ambiguous

Traumatic bonding is a hit with abusers, because it helps him to maintain much-needed control. It helps him keep you where he wants you: tethered to him and his soul-destroying behaviour. But, the bond isn’t as iron-clad as he imagines. Here’s FIVE things he hopes you don’t know about traumatic-bonding, and how to shake off the shackles.

1. What is trauma bonding?

Traumatic-bonding is an intense attachment to your abuser. It happens when you feel emotionally and physically dependent upon a dominant partner – who dishes out abuse and rewards…

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Forget The Reason You Cried

For all of us that have been hurt, sad, heartbroken and in pain, it does get better. I promise it won’t always hurt. Time does heal even the greatest of losses. There is light at the end of the tunnel and you will laugh and be happy again. Please believe that. Just keep going where the love is.

Positive Outlooks Blog

Someday, we’ll forget the hurt, the reason we cried and who caused us pain. We will finally realize that the secret of being free is not revenge, but letting things unfold in their own way and own time. After all, what matters is not the first, but the last chapter of our life which shows how well we ran the race. So smile, laugh, forgive, believe and love all over again.  — Unknown

real flourish

The 2016 In The Garden of Happiness Planner and Wall Calendar!

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It’s Official!

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I’m old lol. I don’t know when the hell it happened but I never saw it coming. Most of the time I feel like a kid. Heck I even get caught sometimes by my hubby watching cartoons (I am aware a 40 year-old should not watch cartoons but it’s only once in a while and they make me laugh.)

There was about 12 teenagers in front of our house before. We are on a corner so it happens every so often. No big deal. I remember being a kid with no car and no place to hang out.

But then they started setting off fireworks.  Hey it’s close to the 4th of July and not a problem because they were smart enough to set them off across the street in the baseball field. So all was well.

Then I hear one go wizzing by my car parked out front lol. Oh hell no! So I walk downstairs,  go out front and say “Hey guys, great if u want to set them off in the field. Just if you do it by my car again, I will kick each and every one of your asses. Thanks but have fun!”

They were very sweet n cool n took it back to the field, smiling all the way. Then it hit me. I’M OFFICIALLY OLD!

You Don’t Always Need To Fix Things

Wow, it always amazes me how these pop up at just the exact right time for me lol. I like to think it’s my Mom cheering me on when I am on the right path 🙂

Positive Outlooks Blog

Sometimes the closure you think you need were the many times you tried to fix things that were simply taken for granted. You just need to let it go. You don’t need another reason to delay your healing and happiness.Dodinsky

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Houston, We Have Contact.

Uggh!  Why did I pick up that stupid phone?  He had emailed, called my work, my home and my cell.  I was good and ignored, but he wouldn’t let it go until he spoke to me.  Told me he has been miserable and is getting separated.  He misses me and could we just meet for dinner?  I laughed and said NO WAY!  I said it twenty different ways over the next 2 days.  But we did talk and laughed for about an hour.  And that’s all it took for my addicted brain to get rehooked!!!

Then we spoke the next day and he told me he was really upset because his son who never cries, cried all night when he found out about the separation.  He is scared to hurt the kids and now she wants to try (I guess the last 7 months were just practice?) because it upset her too.

I understand that this is extremely difficult and whatever he decides he feels he’s doing something wrong.  If he stays, she will never be anything more than a really nice roommate.  She hasn’t shown him love and affection in 20 years, she won’t start now.  If he goes, he feels like he failed, broke up his family and hurt his kids for his own happiness.  It’s a no win situation.  And I want no part of it.

So the best thing I can do for myself and for him is to take myself out of the equation.  Time is what he needs and time is what he shall get.  I choose NOT to be in his life, now or in the future.  I’ve thought about this long and hard.  I needed to be really honest with myself.

I don’t want to be with him for a lot of reasons.  I don’t trust him anymore and I don’t think I would ever be willing to take the chance necessary to make a successful relationship.  How could I ever be happy with someone that continues to make such shitty choices?  Most importantly, I would always feel like second choice to a frigid narcissist and that just wouldn’t make me happy.  Life is way too short to put up with such bullshit lol.

It’s funny, all his health problems, anxiety disorder, quirky fussiness, etc. never diminished my love for him.  But the fact that he could hurt me so much and be okay with himself?  Like there’s something wrong with me for having been so shattered? That says a lot about a person. That kind of made me finally admit that he’s not the man I thought he was.  He should stay with so so and pretend he’s happy for the rest of his life.

My choice is my H, who has never ever made me feel like second choice and who has never left me, even when things were rough.

Goodbye P and good luck.  I don’t need to know how your story ends because I know it won’t be with me. For the first time in 7 months knowing that doesn’t hurt, it makes me happy.

I actually told him to go where the love is lol. For me that is a bright and happy future with my husband. I am finally at peace. He needs to find his own.

Don’t Try To Fix The Past

I feel like I have been stuck in purgatory for the last 7 months. The pain and grief has been agonizing. I truly thought I lost the love of my life, my soulmate and it was devastating. But I know now he is too scared, too weak and too much a fool to ever be worthy of my love and devotion. He will probably never break free of the friggid narcissist’s hold. He will waste years trying to get blood (and sex) from a stone. It’s time to let go of the past, turn the page and start a new chapter in my life. I might have forgotten for a few days but now I’m back. And guess what? That’s right. I am going where the love is 🙂

Positive Outlooks Blog

Sometimes you just have to turn the page to realize there’s more to your book of life than the page you’re stuck on. Stop being afraid to move on. Close this chapter of hurt, and never re-read it. It’s time to get what your life deserves, and move on from the things that don’t deserve you. Don’t try to fix what’s been broken in your past, let your future create something better. — Trent Shelton

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3 Days 3 Quotes Challenge

3 Days, 3 Quotes Challenge

The rules of the challenge :

1. Thank the person who nominated you. So thanks to Jim at https://mnghostt.wordpress.com/.

2. Post a quote a day for 3 days. “A weak man can’t love a strong women, He won’t know what to do with her.” – Unknown

3. Each day, nominate 3 new bloggers to take part in the challenge. How about:

Gibber @ http://amusingmyselfmusings.wordpress.com/

Vic  @ http://justplainolvic.wordpress.com/

KcRambles @ https://kcrambles.wordpress.com/

 

My Dad

I know I write a lot about my Mom but I hope I also share how wonderful my Dad is. He’s 6’4, a big but gentle man and has always been laid back and pretty hysterical.  He likes to tell stories and jokes. One of the best gifts he gave me has been my ability to always find the humor in ANY situation. He’s very sweet, loving, kind and he has always been 100% supportive of those he loves. 

He grew up in Brooklyn with his older brother and sister. His Dad, a longshoreman, was killed when he was 9 months old. Fortunately, his Mom was a smart and strong woman, ahead of her time. She died when he was 16.

People tell me he changed a lot when he met my Mom. He let down his walls and totally let her in to his heart. She had that ability to tear down walls because like me, she didn’t see them lol. But it took courage to risk losing someone he loved with all his heart. I’m glad he is a brave man.

He coached my softball team from when I was 5-10. Anyone will tell you coaching young girls is not an easy task lol. In the beginning he actually bribed us with bubble gum. He was always kind, patient and he made us all laugh.

He’s a big, tough guy from Brooklyn who I never saw cry til I was in my 30s (a story for another time). So when I got sick and we found out it was severe clinical depression, he was definitely not naturally equipped to know how to act or what to say. But he read what my Mom showed him and learned almost immediately how to help and support me. He also made me laugh when I no longer thought it possible 🙂

When my Mom was sick and we were taking care of her, it sometimes got very stressful and we would get angry. But we couldn’t tell her, so once in a while we’d get mad at each other for the stupidest things lol. Probably not the best way, but we always laughed and apologized soon after.

One time he said something that hurt me very much in my very sensitive state and I mumbled under my breath, “I wish it was you”. Now my Dad wears hearing aids, is almost completely deaf and he wasn’t wearing them. But he heard and I hung my head in shame. He put his finger under my chin and made me look at him. He said “So do I sweetheart, so do I. So don’t ever feel bad for feeling that way. She’s your Mom, your best friend and your soul. I will try to be your best friend too.”

We will always be very close and bonded by what we went through. Only the 2 of us were there when she passed. He adored and loved her for 42 years. He could’ve easily given up when she died. I know he wanted to. But he didn’t for my brothers and I. And for their grandkids who mean everything. It wasn’t easy and it took a few years, but he is happy and doing well.

He met a widow from down South and they spend half their time here and half there. She’s a great lady who never ever tries to be anything other than who she is. Just like my parents, she had a wonderful love with her husband and nothing can replace that. But life must go on. They have fun together and laugh a lot.

My Dad has taught me to be strong and resilient. He also taught me laughter is more powerful than any drug and joy is a recipe for happiness.

My H and I are taking them out to dinner soon and I will take the time to thank him for always being there and for helping to make me the good person I am.

Happy Father’s Day!!!!

If They Love You

 

Man walking at sunset

 

Love is more black and white than we like to tell ourselves. Don’t allow anyone to keep you trapped in the “promise” of the gray area. The bottom line is: If they love you, TRULY love you, they’ll do whatever it takes to be with you. There won’t be excuses or doubts or fears or hesitation. Love is ACTION. Everything else is just words.
~Mandy Hale – The Single Woman

This is what I have to keep reminding myself.  No, we cannot choose who we fall in love with.  But we can choose to keep going back to those that break us down with empty words and unfulfilled promises OR we can love ourselves enough to realize we don’t need anyone to be happy.  We think we cannot live without them, but we can.  We just have to accept what we can’t change.

P keeps calling me, at home and at work and on my cell.  I have blocked him as much as I can, but at work I just don’t answer private calls.  He says he’s getting separated.  I will believe that when I see it lol.  But even so, it still has nothing to do with me.

As for me, I am going to continue to go where the love is.

I Am Different

If you knew me in past

I am so different from the person I used to be.  This is a good thing.  I am not as selfish, spoiled and I no longer always get my own way lol.  I have loved and lost, but I am still here, laughing and living.  Life isn’t always easy, but it is worth it.

Out of the Fire and into the Frying Pan

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He emailed me Thursday and I didn’t see it until Saturday.  Nothing much, just about kids, how he doesn’t go on facebook or text and email much anymore, and then he wrote “I really hope from the bottom of my heart that things are better for you.” What the hell does that even mean?!?

I will never truly understand how he went from saying he had me “securely in his mind, heart and soul” and wanting a life with me to days later he was going to stay and go to counseling.  He asked her for 7 years to go n she only agreed after he said he wanted a divorce. It just hurts n makes me feel sad. It will always feel like he chose her over me. I know it’s not that simple. He adores his kids and he has anxiety disorder n MS. He’s fine and you would never know he has it but it’s still there and effects his daily life.  His kids are 17 n 13. They know nothing of a real loving relationship because they don’t see one. She sleeps on the couch most nights and he takes care of the kids.  And that’s fine.  She also knew about me almost from the very beginning. A few months ago she even asked why he couldn’t just keep using porn like he’s always done all these years (instead of sex)!!

It just wasn’t the normal “affair” relationship at all.  I even spoke to his Mom after we broke up because she asked to speak to me. Said she wanted to talk to the woman her son was so in love with.  But that’s a story for another time LOL.

We actually fought more than we did with our spouses lol.  I didn’t let him get away with stuff and he didn’t let me.  We also had totally different communication styles (mine is extensive while his was non-existent lol) and it took us a while to meet somewhere in the middle.  We supported one another and I would like to think that we fulfilled one another, at least until the end.

Do I sometimes wish things had been different, that he had been braver and had more faith in himself and us?  Of course I do.  He was very special to me for almost 2 years.  We made one another happier than I ever knew was even possible, but it was definitely NOT that oh this affair is all fantasy and not real life kind of happy lol.  I got him to go back into pain management for his back pain.  I helped him refinance his mortgage.  

So and so and her brother-in-law used to compliment him on how sickly toned and taut his legs are. I realized that his legs weren’t just really strong and cut, it is a common symptom of the MS and NOT a good thing!!! Spasticity is a state of increased tone of a muscle (and an increase in the deep tendon reflexes). For example, with spasticity of the legs (spastic paraplegia) there is an increase in tone of the leg muscles so they feel tight and rigid, like they are about to snap.  It can be be very painful if not treated.  He went on baclofen and it helps him a lot. All she cared about was that they looked good!! Wtf?!?

People say oh an Affair is just fantasy, there’s no real life distractions, issues, or problems.   Yes maybe for most but that was most definitely NOT our experience!  If it was supposed to be like a fantasy, with just sex and room service, then I really want a refund. LOL

I am happy to not have to deal with all the dysfunctional bullshit in his life and being treated like an emotional yo-yo. In the end, he was a cake eater.  He wanted to keep me as his love and her as his marriage/parenting partner.  And in the end he has lost us both.  She might be there in body, but that’s all.  In 20 years she’s never truly loved him, why start now?

I will not email him back because there’s nothing more to say. In many ways, the man I loved and adored is gone and there is a stranger in his place. Not the man who called me his soulmate and the love of his life.  I don’t know this person and because of his choices, I have no reason to.

Our story is over and our time is up. I just wish my heart would get the message and finally let go. His gave up a long time ago.

No One But Herself

Who Will Be No One But Herself
by Brigitte Nicole
I’m the type of woman who believes in love at first sight; who will listen to a love song and get emotional. The kind of woman who doesn’t get over things easily; who will hurt a lot when someone doesn’t love her back; who will cry herself to sleep because sometimes she feels she’s not good enough. But who’s also strong; who can cry her eyes out then forbid them to come back the next morning; who will pick herself up every time she falls; who will be no one but herself. ”

This quote really touched me because it describes a woman like myself.  I do get emotional and I do get hurt.  I’m also strong and a survivor, whether I want to be or not.  I’m happy with who I am and don’t try to be anyone else.  In the end, I will always pick myself up and keep going,  usually after I have licked my wounds for a bit lol.

Into The Fire

walking into fire

 

Today is P’s birthday.  The addict in me wants to unblock him and make contact.  My brain actually tries to come up with valid reasons and excuses! Thankfully, I know it is full of crap lol.  And really, to what end?  It would just do more harm to both of us, especially me.  So instead of doing something I would absolutely regret, I am blogging about it.

I almost cannot believe it has been 6 months since we have seen one another.  I saw him almost every single week, sometimes twice.  He took me to Radio City Music Hall for a concert for my birthday last year and we went away for 3 days together for his last spring.   We met 2 years ago this week. And while I still miss him so much it hurts sometimes, I do not miss the chaos and dysfunction that permeates his life. I do not miss the addictive way I craved his love.

I really thought he was someone who treasured my heart. Someone who would never abuse my trust and who cherished me. Ultimately, he couldn’t overcome all his fears and anxiety.   The simple fact is that he could and did hurt me and himself.  Nothing can change that and while I have forgiven him, I cannot forget the broken promises and how easily he was controlled and bullied into submission.  Definitely not attractive in a person.

Now I don’t know what would’ve happened.  Maybe I would’ve been miserable dealing with all his problems and issues.  I guess we will never know.  It wasn’t my choice but I have had to come to terms and accept it.  We were always able to tackle any problem together, so I had faith.  He taught me how much joy and fun life has to offer and he says I taught him how to love.  That he never knew how much peace and happiness you could feel just sitting on a bench holding hands and watching the planes fly by.  My heart is almost healed and I am taking it day by day.

I think the one element that has been bothering me is this.  If he had any kind of loving, caring wife who genuinely cared about him and wanted to fix their marriage, I would be hurt but I would understand that decision.  But that is NOT what he has nor what he will ever have.  So so is not a very good person but she is a master at faking it as she has been doing it all her life.  She is a frigid, fake narcissist who uses fear, threats, lies and intimidation to manipulate, bully and control.  She lacks any real empathy and this will not change.  This codependent, dysfunctional relationship obviously works for them and they are welcome to it.  Not good enough to be happy but not terrible enough to leave.  A kind of permanent purgatory.

For me, life is too short not to be happy.

I know now he is back to a sex life consisting solely of porn on his Kindle and his hand.  I saw this cartoon and I could not help but think of him 😉

cartoon marriage funny