Oh my god does this suck!!! Uggh!! Withdrawal symptoms are back with a vengeance today. I am sad, weepy, disappointed and pissed off at P and myself all at once! So I blocked him on Facebook, not because he will contact but to help myself keep the hell away from something that only ends up hurting me in the end. Now I remember why they say NO CONTACT at all! Thanks, P! Seriously, I know as an addict I must take responsibility for my own actions. I did this to myself. But just like his brain is damaged and addicted from years of mental abuse conditioning by so so, mine is conditioned to miss him and want him. Just like a drug addict needs a fix and an alcoholic needs a drink, I want to hear his voice or see his face. It is that simple.
I have been great and happy, totally good right? No problem. Said goodbye and went back to my life. I had a great relaxing, uneventful weekend with hubby, which was way past due lol. We have had parties (Holy Communions, Graduations, Memorial Celebrations, etc.) every single weekend for the last 2 months. Now I realize what a blessing that was. Not only did I have a heck of a lot of fun with hubby, family and friends but I had something to occupy my time and help me forget P.
I guess I just feel like a fool for still caring about him after all he has said and done over the last 7 months. I honestly don’t know how in love with him I am anymore. Back then I adored him and just wanted to spend time with him. He made me truly enjoy life and all the simplest pleasures it has to offer. We had so many adventures and always met the funniest, most interesting people on our journeys. I have to start doing that with my H again. It might never be quite as magical because of the way my heart bonded with his, but it also won’t hurt like hell either.
Thankfully this is just a small blip in a very happy and joyful life. I’m not gonna lie or bs anyone that is experiencing heartbreak, the end of an affair or the loss of any important relationship. 7 months ago the pain was so unbearable and intense, there were days when I didn’t think I would make it or if I even wanted to. But I have to believe that every experience teaches us something on our journey of life. What this taught me besides DON’T HAVE AN AFFAIR, I am still figuring out lol.
While I regret so much, I simply cannot regret meeting and loving P. It changed me in so many ways and hopefully for the better. He made me want to do better, to be a better person. Not many people have inspired me like that just through their love for me. I would like to believe that I made him a better person and in the end, changed his life for the better. It opened my eyes to living again after my Mom died. And the kissing for hours and amazing sex that just kept getting better was pretty damn wonderful. We could literally talk about anything and everything, no subject was too weird, taboo or awkward. I have never had that with anyone else in my lifetime (although my Mom and H come close). Why was that? I guess I will never know the significance. I was in a cocoon and P helped me emerge a beautiful butterfly. I think maybe now it’s just time for me to finally fly away.
We all make choices and decisions in life, for one reason or another. Whether it’s because of love, fear, anger, sadness, jealousy or because it feels safe and comfortable, I don’t know. But those choices have consequences and we have to live with them until we have the courage to CHANGE. Narcissists cannot change what they are but the rest of us that do not have some sort of personality disorder can. So even when we feel weak, stuck or unworthy, we must remember we are not only worthy of love, we deserve it. We need good healthy love in our life in some way.
I know I will be happy in my life, no matter what happens. I also know that I have to take my own advice. I have to Go Where the Love Is! Not where my heart wants to be but where I am loved, appreciated and cared for. I am going to focus all my energy on letting go and moving on this summer. No more looking back, it is time to turn the page and start a new chapter. Now I’m feeling excited and smiling, not crying and sad 🙂
“For what it’s worth: It’s never too late to be whoever you want to be. I hope you live a life you’re proud of, and if you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start over.”
— F. Scott Fitzgerald