Some People Are Not Good For Me

Amen! By showing compassion to P, I only hurt myself. I’m trying not to beat myself up for opening a can of worms.

He literally didn’t want to believe how well I’m doing. He messaged me saying he had a few things on his mind he needed to tell me. I let it go for a few hours then asked what he meant. He said he wanted to discuss “our future”!!!! It was a manipulative ploy and I fell for it.

By the end of the conversation, he actually had me thinking I was still pining for him lol!!! F that! He definitely has some undiagnosed personality disorder. His reality and mine are VERY different.

I will explain the rest of what was said. I just need time to process first because I feel like I got hit by a truck lol. But what I know for certain? He and I are NOT meant to be. He was meant as a lesson.

My Positive Outlooks

I am slowly learning that some people are not good for me, no matter how much I love them. I deserve someone who is gentle and kind, because my soul is getting tired. I am realizing that I deserve something good is one of the first steps. — Michelle K.

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Oh Crap

So my day was going great. The sun was shining this morning and I love the people I work with. We are a family and we take care of one another. We also get on each other’s nerves sometimes but hey that’s what family does lol.

Then I got this really bad feeling that P was struggling. I have always known things that I have no way of knowing. It’s happened throughout my life and my family lovingly refers to me sometimes as the good witch. It’s only people I’m close to but it is a little bizarre, freaky and completely out of my control. And yes I’m still waiting for winning Powerball numbers lol.

So I sent P a message just asking if he was ok. He asked if he could call and after a little while I agreed. I know I’m an idiot and he did not deserve my compassion but I am who I am.

Basically, like me, he’s been trying to repair his broken marriage. He’s been going to counseling and sometimes she even goes with him. Unlike me, he’s miserable and struggling. He’s married to a frigid narcissist and last week she told him she’s not in love with him and thinks of him as a friend.

He said he regrets staying but he felt it was his only choice. He said he misses me everyday and his love for me hasn’t diminished. I told him that after all the pain he caused my love for him had.

He apologized for hurting me and for being a selfish ahole. He cried. I told him I never really understood how damaged he is and that I hope he keeps going to counseling. The psychologist thinks he needs to come twice a week.

The only positive news was that his daughter has started counseling. It is required if she wants to go to the only high school that would take her next year. I know that deep down underneath all that attitude, lying and manipulating, she is a terribly unhappy little girl that has put up so many walls to protect herself. For anyone thinking it has anything to do with me, her problems started 2 years before he even met me.

I told him about my blog and how much it has helped me to heal my heart. He asked if he could read it. I told him I would need to think about it.

Well I have thought about it and my answer is NO. Hell no! I wish him well and hope he finds peace and happiness someday. But my blog is mine. Even my H understands it is my outlet and has not asked to read it.

Which brings me to the most important part,  my husband. He is not perfect but he is a good, kind and loving man. I am truly lucky that he has stuck by my side through everything as I have stuck by his. He says I am his soulmate, not P and I am starting to believe that again.

A Fair

I woke up feeling a little tired and lazy (thank you antidepressant side effect lol).  With depression you never really know how you will feel from day to day. But I have many more good days than bad so I am definitely not complaining.

So my husband wanted to go to a local fair. I thought I would be up for it but then I really wasn’t. I could see he was upset so I pushed myself. As those with depression know, this isn’t always possible. Thankfully today it was.

We got there and I started looking at the jewelry,  handbags, scarves, etc. Basically all things I love to buy, wear and browse through lol.  And because I hadn’t wanted to come, hubby was extremely sweet about me buying a few things. I know most men, including him, could care less about those things so I appreciated his patience.

We stopped at a jewelry cleaner table and it was really cool! It worked magic on my platinum diamond wedding rings, my silver hoops and even my grandmother’s antique sapphire and diamond ring from the 1920’s. I couldn’t believe it when my H asked the man if he could clean his platinum band. I think he’s let me clean it twice in ten years lol. I happily bought a huge bottle of the non-toxic cleaner.

Then we met a friend of his, stopped and ate together.  He’s quite a colorful character,  always with a hilarious story to make me laugh.

I am really glad I was able to go and we had such a great time just walking around and laughing.  I enjoy simple pleasures in life, especially since losing my Mom. I just don’t think I realized that we really need to have fun together.

I truly remembered why we fell in love in the first place.  I didn’t think about P all day!

Today I have to say
Me: 1 and Depression: 0

Promise You Will Forget The Hurt

I love the idea that one day we will forget the hurt, the pain, the sadness and even those that caused it.

I cannot wait for my heart to be completely healed. I have made a lot of progress the past few months. I have not contacted P and he has not contacted me. I can only hope that continues as we have said all we needed to say.

I am so grateful for all the love, kindness and support I have found in our little blogosphere. I truly don’t think I could have gotten to such a good place without all of you who read my words and see my heart.

I know today is a good day and I also realize each day is different. Tomorrow may be a shitstorm lol. Who knows? But I do believe after everything I have been through in my life, the best is yet to come.

My Positive Outlooks

Someday, we’ll forget the hurt, the reason we cried and who caused us pain. We will finally realize that the secret of being free is not revenge, but letting things unfold in their own way and own time. After all, what matters is not the first, but the last chapter of our life which shows how well we ran the race. So smile, laugh, forgive, believe and love all over again.  — Unknown

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Control, Fear and Mistakes

This post is raw, brutal and honest.

I can only control what I think and feel. I’m so sorry you were too scared to take a chance on us. Because we will never know just how special and wonderful it could’ve been.

Life is about choices and you were a complete coward. I wasn’t wrong for believing in you and us. I took a leap of faith and I will never regret that.  The only regrets in life are the chances we didn’t take.

That’s what I have been struggling with. Thinking I made a mistake. But I didn’t. The mistake was YOURS for not believing in yourself and in us. Your family would’ve gotten over it or they wouldn’t.

You just were too damaged to choose the life you were meant to have INSTEAD of the life THEY chose for you.

You haven’t forgotten me. If anything, you can’t forget me and its only gotten harder to stay away. I was the light in your life.

The one purely good loving relationship you have ever had or ever will have. The only person who loved you unconditionally (like your mother should’ve but doesn’t). Who loved you with all your flaws, weaknesses and huge laundry list of issues both physical and mental.

But because your Mother never made you feel good enough, you chose a frigid, emotionally and physically withholding, narcissistic wife for whom you will NEVER be good enough.

And the truly sick part is you had a chance to escape the hell you live in!!! But no, you chose to stay and continue to beg and scrape for a few crumbs of affection.

It’s truly horrific and pathetic. You had a chance to be happy and to be better. But nope not for you. U enjoy making everything harder and more difficult.

It’s totally exhausting and completely unnecessary. It’s why people shun you and don’t want to be around you. But unlike everyone else, I listened to you. I supported and comforted you more times than I can count.  You were there for me too and I will cherish all our many adventures.

I am your soulmate and you are mine. You showed me that. But sometimes soulmates are not meant to spend their lives together.  I understand that now.  Maybe you will do better in your next life. Because in this one I just could never trust or believe in us the way I need to. The way I used to.

For us there will be no fairytale ending. You showed me the kind of man you truly are. A weak man easily controlled and dominated by others who would rather live alone, full of sadness and regret, than risk losing people that care nothing about his happiness.

I stood up to your Mother for you in a way NO ONE EVER HAS. Even after all you had done and the pain you caused, I had enough courage and loyalty to defend you like no one ever had before or ever will again.

So you don’t get another chance for my love.

I may not have closure but at least I have no regrets. You get to live every single day wondering if things could have been different, been better.  I think a life filled with love, support and acceptance is always worth fighting for.

You had 3 affairs over 7 years.  Just because I’m the only one you fell in love with doesn’t negate the others. Whatever made you think you had a marriage worth saving?? For your kids?!? They are both completely fucked up because they see a horribly screwed up relationship AND THINK THAT’S WHAT MARRIAGE IS!?! 2 people who don’t like one another and show little to no affection or love!!!! Yeah great job Dad!

The saddest part of all is that you sacrificed your life for NOTHING! Just to fuck up your kids worse than if you had left the marriage, been happy and still been there for them everyday.  I never once in all the time we were together failed to put them first.  They are the most important people in your life and I’m sorry she threatened to turn them against you.

Your son is a kind person.  But he’s also 17 going on 10.  You keep him as stifled and bound as your parents kept you. And your daughter has all the characteristics of a sociopath. Teachers and even her principal have told you she needs psychological help and you refuse to listen.  Because then people would know and the frigid one cares more about what people think than getting her daughter the help she so desperately needs. You must be so proud.

I’m so tired of caring and worrying about someone that just doesn’t matter. I mean if the people who have known you all your life think you’re a chooch, they must know something I don’t right?

I have never in all my 40 years ever heard of a mother who chooses someone over their own son! That’s disgusting so either she’s completely fucked up or you are. I think it’s both.

I can only imagine the years of disappointment and complete dysfunction you saved me from. I wouldn’t wish that pack of jackals on my worst enemy.

But I would’ve been kind to them anyway because I loved you. I only wanted us to be happy together. I guess because you don’t love yourself enough, you never really believed I loved you.  They said I would leave you to scare you but you believed it.  Control through fear, bullying, intimidation and lies IS NOT LOVE.

This journal is my closure. I’m sorry you’re so weak and sick. I hope you get better and it’s getting easier and easier to forget you and the love we once shared.

Soon the only memory of it (for me, not you) will be on these pages.

You chose a person who you can barely stand. A woman completely opposite of me. Not loving, sweet, giving or kind. You truly are batshit crazy and I don’t miss all the bullshit you live with and create.  We used to laugh and marvel at the fact that your crazy fit my crazy lol.

Mine is a life of love, light, kindness, authenticity and laughter. While yours is all lies, smoke, mirrors, acting and pretend.

Your marriage will end or you will cheat again. It’s who you are and what you do. You go as long as you can without even basic human affection (as well as sex).  Then you crack and bam another affair.

Most people learn from their mistakes. But you are either too stubborn or stupid. You do the same things over and over and over again, always expecting different results. That’s insanity but that’s you. Always has been and I guess it always will be.

Affairs aren’t the answer and 1 was enough to show me that.  Anything that has to be done in secret isn’t worth doing.

Song of the day

Today was a great day then it got a little difficult probably because I went to bed too late and the dreaded PMS (yes all the guys have immediately left the room I’m sure lol).

While this is not one of our songs, it always reminds me of P. I just want to remember him one day without all the pain and heartache. Unfortunately that day isn’t today.

I’m leaning into the curve, secure in the knowledge that tomorrow will be better and happier.

Loving Myself

For so long I thought it was him I was meant to love.  But it was really me I was meant to find.

I love myself and it is amazing!  It feels so good and brings me so much peace and joy.  I don’t need any man to love me.  None of us NEED someone else to love.  It’s wonderful and beautiful, but not NECESSARY to be happy.

As long as I love myself, I can be whole and happy.  I have always had a good self-image because I had parents who told me I was beautiful, special and amazing.  Which anyone with depression knows, is exactly the opposite of how you feel when you are in a depression.  I felt weak, crazy, lazy and worthless.  Even though I know I’m none of those things, it’s what the disease makes you think.  My family, most of all my parents, kept me going when I didn’t think I would be able to.

I don’t think I have really loved myself for a long time.  Definitely not since my Mom died and the last year was torture.  I kept telling myself if P loved me, I would be happy and complete.

But even when he did, I wasn’t truly whole or happy for long.  That had nothing to do with him and everything to do with me.  No one is responsible for my happiness but me.

Such a simple concept but something I had lost sight of for a while.  I’m so glad I finally remembered 🙂

There is no fear in love

I have been thinking about this for a few days.  I cannot even imagine living my life afraid.  Afraid that I will make a mistake or do the wrong thing.  What kind of people spend their life making their children so afraid?  So afraid of making a mistake that they stay miserable and unhappy?

For me that would be like being trapped in a prison of my own creation.

Depression is no day at the beach, believe me LOL.  But I will take it any day of the week over fear and anxiety. Yes, Depression at its worst almost killed me.  Thankfully, the right combination of meds has allowed me to live my life.  It’s not always perfect or easy, but the dark times are a lot less frequent and not as dark.  Knowing that there’s an end to the pain and that I will be happy again has been a tremendous gift.

I think we both believed if our love was perfect, it would cure his fear.  I don’t think that was fair to either one of us.  His fear was created in his childhood and no amount of love, no matter how special, was going to cure that.

The further I get from the pain and sadness of the breakup, the more I see it had very little at all to do with me.

I really hope one day he finds peace and stops living with constant fear.  At least I have found peace and that’s enough for now.

My Life with Depression (Part 1)

Gosh this is hard to write.  Now I know why I have been avoiding it for so long.

I had always been a pretty normal, happy-go-lucky kid.  Then when I was 18, I had a root canal go terribly wrong.  The infection was so severe, my whole face blew up and was unrecognizable.  So 2 days before I was supposed to start college (a great school about 3 hours away where I was on academic scholarship) I ended up in the ER. Then it was back home for 2 weeks of heavy antibiotics, painkillers and rest.

A few months later, I noticed I was sleeping and crying a LOT.  I thought maybe it was a bad case of homesickness or PMS.  But I loved college and was having a ball.  My classes were great, I had a good  group of friends, and I was dating this really hot and sweet junior.

Things got serious very quickly.  I couldn’t get out of bed and I was just in so much pain deep inside.  It was like a black hole of despair was swallowing me up.  What made it worse was that there was absolutely no reason for the sadness and pain.  I had no idea what was happening to me and I was quickly losing all hope.  I was having horrific thoughts and nothing worked.  Everyone was really kind and tried to help, but there was nothing anyone could do.

I  had told my Mom but like me she figured it was just normal homesickness.  I finally decided I had to tell my parents when they came up for Parents Weekend. I will never forget sitting in this little cafe, just my Mom, my Dad and I.  Of course I started sobbing and shaking, cause that’s all I did during that time.  My Mom hugged me and my Dad said, “Are you expecting?”  I stopped crying and as one my Mom and I turned to him, utterly perplexed, and at the same time said, “Expecting what?”  He thought I was pregnant and wanted me to know that they would always support me, no matter what. But no, I wasn’t even having sex. LOL

I went home that weekend and my Mom took me to our family doctor.  After a bunch of tests and talking, I was eventually diagnosed with severe clinical depression caused by a chemical imbalance.  Say WHAT!?!?!?!   So does that mean I can’t drink at parties I asked.  I really had no idea how much my whole life had just changed.

Depression runs in my Mom’s family but I am the only lucky lottery winner in my immediate family.  Yay me LOL.  They think between the infection, all the antibiotics, and painkillers, it triggered a genetic predisposition.  Who knows?

All I know is I had to leave school and was basically a human vegetable for the next 6 months.

Out of the Fog

What made me love him so much? Why did I completely romanticize our relationship? Yes he was gorgeous, funny and sweet. But he was also self-absorbed, negative and extremely neurotic. And he took so much more than he gave.

Despite the fact that his father physically abused him for years and his Mother mentally abused him, he has never confronted either about the abuse and sees them daily. He said it’s quite common for 100% Italians who came from Italy and settled in the Bronx. My father-in-law is 100% Italian and was not ever abused or abusive so I call BULLSHIT. His father was a functioning alcoholic and his Mom was raised by an aunt

I come from an amazingly loving and supportive family who are very close. But any 45 year-old man whose mother repeatedly strolls into his house with a spare key (for emergencies yeah right lol) and right into his bedroom without even knocking? This guy has some serious Mommy issues!

It’s not a family, it’s a dysfunctional creepy cult led by a Mom who literally stalks him day after day until he gives in and does what she wants. But because they smile pretty for the camera and put on a happy face in public, the facade continues.

How is it that his mother, wife and daughter are all controlling psychotic bullies? I only wish I had known all this in the beginning. The sickest part was the way he constantly sought approval from this family that just weren’t kind, supportive or loving.

I thought he had to be making them seem worse than they really were. So a bunch of times he would put the phone on speaker, hold it or put it in his pocket so I could hear. He wasn’t embellishing! But they are all he has and all he knows.

The final straw? When he changed his cell number without even an email or text months after we broke up. I had told him not to contact me again and he agreed. She had been wanting him to change his number for months. He promised if he did, he’d let me know before he did it. I said it’s fine if you do.Just shoot me an email so I’m not surprised. He didn’t. That was 2 months ago.

Foolishly, in a weak moment, I dialed him from a restricted number just to hear his voice. So stupid, I know. That’s how I found out it was changed. I didn’t think it was possible to be anymore hurt and disappointed. I was wrong.

I immediately lost it and called him at home. He usually would be alone. His friggin Mom answered at 11am on a Thursday! Can we say Norman Bates? I just hung up, horrified and feeling totally out of control. He called me back and said he thought it would make it easier for both of us. Yeah right!

I never ever felt like a dirty mistress until that day. And I knew in that moment, I would never ever put my battered, broken heart through this ever again.

It was my first and last affair. Affairs only seem like a good idea when you are in one.

Recognizing What Isn’t Good For You

Every day I practice this. Being strong and brave enough to let it go. I’m learning how to lead my heart. Most days I am successful and moving on.  On the few days that I focus on the past, I try not to beat myself up.
I am increasingly more grateful for my husband every day.

My Positive Outlooks

Learn how to lead your heart; start recognizing when something isn’t good for you and be strong enough to let it go. A person can only waste the time if you give them an opportunity to waste. Stop trying to open doors for people who constantly shut you out. Make sure the interest is shown in the effort, the talk is supported by the actions, and the trust is earned through the consistency. — Robert Hill Sr.

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