This was a post from a while ago, probably about 9 months ago. It helped me during some very dark days. Hope it can help someone else too.
The Process of Love Addiction Withdrawal By Alexandra Katehakis, MFT, CST, CSAT
It is well established that when a person becomes addicted to drugs or alcohol, they can experience physical and psychological withdrawal symptoms. Less is documented about the reality of physical and emotional withdrawal symptoms from love and sex addiction, yet they are no less real.
I see clients who are in withdrawal from love addiction and are struggling with symptoms indicative of a very real physical and emotional experience.
Symptoms can include insomnia and sleeplessness, flu-like symptoms, vomiting and other stomach ailments, as well as deep depression and grief states. These symptoms require a detoxification process much like drugs and alcohol do and working with a skilled therapist in addition to attending SLAA (Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous) 12-step meetings can be very helpful, if not crucial, for getting through this painful process.
Sometimes love addicts elect to go through this process when they reach the depth of despair about the state of their lives and addiction. This is a painful yet necessary step in the recovery process. Sometimes love addicts have to face withdrawal following the abandonment by a partner, often a love-avoidant one.
The love-avoidant person always has severe abandonment issues and desires unconditional positive regard from another adult, similar to what they received or did not receive in childhood from a parent. The problem with this is that no adult can provide the ongoing unconditional positive regard the love addict seeks. This can cause the love addict to cycle through a series of highs and lows that are quite intense and ultimately lead to incredible disappointment and devastation.
Love addicts often have a deep sense of discomfort and rarely experience a sense of peace or calm, due to the highs and lows of their intense relationships. Responsibilities relating to work, self-care and even parenting fall to the side in their pursuit of unhealthy relationships. Interestingly, while these relationships tend to be very intense, they seldom provide any real intimacy. What they do provide is a fantasy that does not reflect the reality of the object of their affections.
Some love addicts are in such extreme states of depression that they require antidepressant medication while they are working through core childhood issues with a therapist. Such medications can be helpful toward the love addict gaining some sense of stability while working through the pain that led to love addiction. Journaling, talking about childhood experiences, and grieving the initial abandonment by a parent in the family of origin under the care of a skilled therapist familiar with love addiction can be an important part of healing.
Love addicts have a deep need to bond with another person and become emotionally connected. Oftentimes, the choices they make in partnerships take them further away from getting the love they crave.
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I want to be completely honest folks, I am an addict and P is my drug of choice. Even after we “broke up” right after Thanksgiving, we spoke like 3 times a day for 2 months. The withdrawal was complete agony. He was all I wanted. I craved him like I craved oxygen and water. But while I definitely did miss him and love him, that was not the reason for my physical symptoms.
I craved the high I got seeing him, talking with him, texting, even emailing with him. When I broke NC, I definitely set myself back on my road to recovery and happiness. Because then he asked could he call me and then he asked to talk the next day, etc. We are both smarter now and realized we were backsliding very quickly. So we said goodbye again with him telling me he finally understands the agony and pain I experienced back months ago. He said that is what he is experiencing now. But I think that is because he remains lonely and unloved despite all his efforts. It takes 2 people to save and rebuild a marriage.
The only bright side is that my trauma from certain events that occurred (him changing his cell # and not giving me a heads up as promised is just one example) has finally started to heal. I better understand that I was loved very much and still am. It was comforting to know that he still cries when he hears our song and a few others that remind him of me and all we shared. It’s so easy to believe we are the only ones suffering the loss and the withdrawal. We aren’t.
I just cannot go back on the emotional roller-coaster that our relationship had become at the end. I choose to be happy, healthy and at peace. NO CONTACT means I will not have to doubt a man’s love or commitment to me. It also means I will never again share a man’s heart. I deserve better, we all do. It’s not sexy or exciting but for addicts like us, it’s the only way. For some, maybe not forever. But at least until we get to a point that we do not care AT ALL. And that takes a pretty long time for most.
So while I was at 93 days NC, now I have to start over one day at a time.
DON’T WORRY. The above was all written many, many months ago. I’m doing really great now. Happy and finally at peace. I’ve learned to let go. He was obviously a lesson I needed to learn. Wow 93 days NC! I can’t wait to get there again ASAP 🙂
Thank you for sharing
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Us addicts need to help one another 🙂
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Where were you for the last 2 years! Lol, just what I needed. Definitely following this blog.
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Well for the last year I was in hell lol. Definitely not looking to ever go back 🙂
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I know. As you read through my blog (earliest to latest) you will see my transition. But mine was definitely as bad as yours. I assumed and wanted something I knew I never could have.
All the motivational speeches aside, that is the truth.
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I don’t know what’s worse. I found something I never knew I always wanted lol. And I never thought I wouldn’t have it after a year and a half and making plans.
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Well, I guess that is life. When you have all but given up on something, it hits you. Hard. And now you do not have the heart to give it up.
Life is a mean little thing, huh. Throws a surprise, and expects you to cope with it.
But on the other hand, you have done it, repented it and now ready to move on. 30 years from now, if this had never happened you might think at least I tried and enjoyed it for whatever little it was worth, as against lamenting the horrible “if only”…
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Most days I have no regrets. I was true to myself and my heart. He has regrets and he always will. Thankfully that’s not my problem. I only regret not realizing how damaged and weak he was. And how addicted he is to the cycle of narcissistic abuse. I feel sorry for him now.
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Hmmm…I understand
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I look forward to reading the rest of ur blog. Night.
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Doing great, can’t complain. Hope you are doing well too.
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I am thank you. Glad u are too!
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Thank you for this ❤
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Your welcome xo
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I know that I am in love with the idea of love. And I can see how quickly and easily one can spiral into this cycle of addiction, but I am glad I was able to catch myself early and build a firm foundation for myself while am still really young. This was a very nice read. Insightful.
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Thanks Monica. A friend of mine needed to see it. Hope ur well xo
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Who knew about this, very interesting. Seems like self destruction comes in all types of shapes and forms.
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That it most certainly does Charly 😉
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The contact was at the time this had been posted originally, not recently, correct? I hope you’re feeling better, stronger by the day. Cold turkey sucks, with any addiction, but it’s the quickest route to ending that addiction. Hope you’re doin’ ok.
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Oh yes that was months ago. I have spoken to him recently and apparently his family now hates so so. His Mom won’t even be in same room with her. They can’t believe they were fooled for so many years.
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Good. I thought I’d read that right. You were ok speaking to him recently?
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Actually yes. Apparently hell has frozen over and his Mom, sis, friend, even his neurologist now think he needs to get divorced. They also think if I get separated, he should ask me to dinner!?! But nothing has changed and I am hoping n praying H n I can find the spark again. Fingers crossed lol.
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He told you all this? Or someone else?
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He told me.
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Hmmm. Interesting
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Once the narcissist’s mask slips, it’s easier to see the truth.
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What do you think about all the things he said. Truth or BS? Could he just be trying to draw you back in?
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Definitely truth. He changes his mind a lot but he rarely lies. He also said he thinks it’s good we’re doing therapy and if it works, he will be happy for me.
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Was just playing devils advocate. Was just concerned the effect hearing from him would have after being NC for so long prior to that. Speaking of, how’s therapy goin?
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No we have had contact here and there over last 2 months. Nothing affair like at all lol. He was in denial that he’s wasted years with a frigid narcissist. Denial will keep u stuck. But that’s his life, not mine. Therapy starts next week lol.
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Good. Glad therapy starts soon. Hope H is fully on board and that it goes well.
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Yes, he seems to be. Thnx
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Good deal. Hope it works. Hope you get what you’ve been needing from him too!
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You and me both. Thanks 🙂
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I enjoyed reading and rereading 🙂 my blog was a diary, a 5 month journal helping me to break my escort habit and by any definition I was addicted to that 1 hour primeval sexual high. For days after I was an emotional wreck hated that I’d used someone so I kept a diary blog to remind me of post feelings. It was an addiction the excitement entering a brothel bedroom is one hell of an adrenaline rush I still miss.
Great post 🙂
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Thanks! So have u broken your habit?
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Yes I stopped, my reply maybe reads worse than I intended (flippant? Unkind!), I was single and we had a lot of fun together talked cuddled laughed sex but paying never seemed right, you’ll never find love with an adorable escort a lesson learnt, and I’m still hoping for love lol 🙂
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Sorry for the like………..kindle swipe
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I get it. Paying doesn’t seem right if u want someone to love u for you. I hope u find love. I hope I find love AND hot sex lol.
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I feel this, it sucks, I hate it.
Hugs x
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I’m sorry you’re hurting. Hugs to you xo!
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Thankyou 🙂
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Hope today is a better day!
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I guess it thanks 🙂 yours?
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