Withdrawal & Love Addiction

It’s a rainy day here in NY. I am enjoying it with my hubby. We are snuggled up watching old game shows from the 70s n 80’s. Now we’re watching the original Annie. You know a man truly loves you if he will happily watch Annie for the first time just to spend time with you! LOL I’m going where the love is!!!

This is a great article that I thought might help a few of my friends. Hugs n love to you all!

Withdrawal: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

Withdrawal makes love addiction different from codependency. Like any other addict, a love addict wants a fix — in this case, the object of his or her obsession. That could be a particular person, or a relationship in general. So what happens when that “substance” goes away?

There are two ways a love addict enters withdrawal: They’ve ended the relationship or tried to. Or his or her partner has left the relationship — explicitly, or by becoming obsessed with his or her own addictive behavior. As soon as the love addict feels the other person’s absence, it will trigger feelings of loss.

For most people, loss evokes emotions such as sadness. Healthy adults know how to manage these emotions. But for love addicts, in addition to normal feelings of loneliness, grief, anger, and fear, all their childhood trauma issues are triggered, too. Any unresolved childhood issues around abandonment, fear, anger, jealousy, insecurity, guilt, shame, and loss are going to combine with the current adult experience to create one perfect storm. It’s intense, devastating, and overwhelming, and often the love addict feels out of control in the face of it.

If withdrawal occurs because the addict’s partner left, you can add to this unexpected and unplanned shocks. The addict might face economic changes, having to move, the impact on any children, and dealing with a possible affair or other addiction fallout. It is difficult to describe the totality of the impact.

Love addicts, to get into recovery, need to be able to endure these intense emotions. Doing so long enough will help them face the fact of their addiction; begin to heal their childhood issues; take responsibility for themselves; and begin a new path that includes healthy relating. They will need a lot of support to get through this phase.

Here are some of the things love addicts may be tempted to do while they are experiencing withdrawal:

  • Go back to the relationship. It is possible to heal a love addiction without ending a relationship, but it requires putting the relationship on hold for a significant amount of time. You can’t be in an actively dysfunctional relationship and try to heal your addiction.
  • Contact the old partner. If the relationship is over, a love addict is going to be tempted to reestablish contact. This will lead to an attempt to go back to the relationship.
  • Stalk the old partner. Rage and jealousy can become intense. If there is a third party involved (or if one is suspected), the addict may be tempted to stalk their old partner. Once withdrawal takes over, the brain isn’t in any place to be logical or rational. It’s being run by intense emotions that go back to childhood. There’s a raging and scared child at the wheel and all kinds of things make sense to a child that don’t make sense to adults.
  • Get even. If you’ve got a raging and scared child in charge, then that child might also devise all kinds of ways to get even. Have an affair of your own. Spend all the money. Show up at the partner’s office and make a scene. Ruin something important or valuable. Say anything and everything in order to cause pain.

Remember, the addict’s brain has been hijacked by addiction withdrawal. There is no logical reasoning going on here. The primary goal of the brain in withdrawal is to get the addictive substance back and stop all the pain. So love addicts in withdrawal hear messages in their heads that sound something like:

  • I can’t live without him or her. I need him or her.
  • I can still make this work. It has to work. I need to give it one more chance.
  • He or she is supposed to be with me. We were supposed to be together. We were meant for each other.
  • It wasn’t supposed to be like this. It was supposed to work out. I didn’t want it to be like this. Why is it like this?

It’s important to understand how addiction works. Get help and support to get through this phase. Because it does pass. Remember, as my therapist reminds me: these terrifying and overwhelming emotions are just neurons firing in grooves that were formed in and informed by pain long before this relationship started.

Our job in recovery is to form new grooves formed in and informed by love, acceptance, compassion, and patience. If we can tolerate the pain without acting on it, we are already forming new grooves. That’s the beginning of progress.

But it’s not enough to simply stand there in pain and do nothing. Get yourself to a 12-step meeting. Call a friend who gets it — someone who will completely support you, not just take your side, tell you what you want to hear, or start telling you what you need to do.

Write in your journal. Get those feelings out of you and somewhere else. Process them somehow. Yell at a tree. Throw eggs at the ground. Cry. If you’re like me, sob. Get it out. Be comfortable with your intensity and recognize that you’re not dying, nothing bad is happening, you’re not going back to your old behaviors. That’s when you’ll know you’re making progress.

Every now and then, something seemingly innocuous, like an empty pizza box, can trigger intense feelings of withdrawal for me. I’m always caught off guard when that happens. But I’m learning that every time it does, I can just allow those feelings to pass through me and out.

I can cry, shake, yell, rant, pace, whatever, and as long as I don’t pick up the phone to call, text, email, or do anything that..
To read the rest of this article go to http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2014/08/07/withdrawal-the-good-the-bad-and-the-ugly/

How To Forget Someone

How To Forget Someone by Om Swami

People go through ups and downs all the time. On the journey of life, we meet a mix of travelers. It is unlikely that we will only meet a certain type, or only those we like or dislike. After all, it is not a one-way road. At any time, the traffic flows both in and against our direction. Sometimes some people or events can hurt you so bad that you just want to erase them from your memory. You have even forgiven them, you want to move on but you find yourself unable to do so. Take it easy. It’s only human.

There are generally two possibilities that make you remember anyone: either you love that person or you hate that person. And there are only three reasons that make you want to forget somebody. One, their thought wells up negative emotions in you and throws you off-balance. Two, you still love them deeply but they have moved on. Three, despite your love, they don’t love you back. In any case, it hurts. If their memory doesn’t trigger any positive or negative emotion in you, there would be no need to forget that person. In fact, if you neither love nor hate the person you are trying to forget, you will forget them automatically. When their memory sparks neither good nor bad in you, it means you have moved on. But what to do when you do want to forget them? Read on.

If you find yourself thinking about that person, hold a mini self-dialog as the first step. Accept that you are missing them and that you are hurt. Talk to yourself. Repeat it a few times and watch your mind releasing the thought of that person. Releasing their memory is crucial if you want to forget them. A while back, I wrote an article on how to take your mind off unwanted thoughts during your meditation. You can read it here. Apply the same principle.

Give yourself time and each time their thought arises, simply and gently focus your mind elsewhere. Promise yourself that anytime you are reminded of them, you will not let that ruin your peace. And the way to protect your peace is to shift your focus. This is the most powerful method I know of. When the one you love leaves you, it creates a void in your life, a hole in your heart. You keep falling in that pit. You need to fill that gaping hole somehow. It is not easy but it can be done. When their memories come knocking on the doors of your heart, shift your attention. If you can divert your thoughts at that time, gradually the imprints will become lighter, the intensity of their memories will start to diminish.

Two kids found a pouch containing fifteen silver coins. One had spotted it and the other had picked it up. Each claimed ownership of the find. This led to an argument and ultimately they approached the wise Mulla Nasruddin with their quandary.

“Hmmm…so you want me to resolve the matter?”
“Yes, please,” both said in unison.
“Alright, I’ll divide the coins between you two. But tell me, do you want me to do justice like a human or God?”
“Please do as God would.”
He counted the coins and gave twelve to one and three to the other. While they both stood there bewildered, said Mulla plainly, “That’s how He operates.”

Life can be unfair. When trying to forget someone, avoid any intellectual analysis like why it happened to you or how could they do this to you etc.. If you start to dissect, you will only sink in deeper.  Any cogitation will only depress you more, it will drag you back to the field of memories — and that’s exactly what we want to avoid here. Trust me on this one. Simply take your mind off.

Both love and hate fetter you. You cannot forget anyone by continuing to love or hate them. If you want to forget them, you must become indifferent towards them. You become indifferent when you rise above the duality of love and hatred. Both love and hate touch our heart, whatever touches our heart leaves an imprint on our mind. It is those imprints that make up our memory store. It is for this reason that Vedic and other spiritual texts preach one to remain even. Being even is a step higher than being indifferent. Because being even is being indifferent with compassion, with empathy.

The greater the number of memories you have with someone, the harder it is to move on. Because memories indicate a commitment of time. The number of memories is directly proportional to the amount of time you invested with the person. How big or how easily an investment can one write off varies from one person to another. You cannot erase a person from your mind by trying to not think about them.

To read the rest of this article go to http://omswami.com/2013/09/how-to-forget-someone.html

 

 

 

Narcissists & Intimacy

Narcissists & Intimacy

Written by Alexander Burgemeester

If you are in a relationship with someone with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), you may find that the relationship is less intimate than you thought it was. It is probably intense, time-consuming, long-lasting, and uses a great deal of your mental energy—but intense is not the same as intimate. An important test of intimacy is to ask yourself the following questions: “is this relationship a safe haven where I feel loved and accepted for being me?” and “do I trust the other person and do they trust me?”  If you cannot answer ‘yes’ to both of those questions, read on.

A narcissist can be extremely good at giving the appearance of intimacy… and she will turn it on and off at her pleasure. She may run hot and cold- going in and out of being highly somatic and needing a sex partner. When she’s needy, she offers intimations of intimacy that are very appealing and hard to resist. It’s easy for her partner to think this time she’ll be different, but… she’ll go back to being selfish immediately once she’s got her gratification. Narcissists are the ultimate users.

Fear of Intimacy

People with personality disorders are fearful of real, mature intimacy. Mind you, intimacy is formed not only within a couple, but also in a workplace, in a neighborhood, with friends, or while collaborating on a project. Intimacy requires emotional involvement; it is the result of interactions with others in constant and predictable (safe) close relationships.

Individuals with narcissistic personality disorder interpret intimacy as codependence, emotional strangulation, and the demise of freedom. They are terrified by it and avoid it; their self-destructive and self-defeating behaviors are intended to tear apart the very foundation of a successful relationship, career, project, or friendship. Narcissists feel elated and relieved after they unshackle these ‘chains’. Narcissists are simply indifferent, callous and careless in their treatment of others. Their abusive behavior is usually offhanded and absent-minded, although when they feel threatened or are in the devaluation process their behavior can be calculated and premeditated.

Emotional intimacy occurs when we share ourselves deeply with another person. Mutual trust is required in order to feel safe and secure with another person. Narcissists are not able to truthfully share or trust. Some narcissists are truly gifted at pretending and appearing emotionally invested in you. They are often unusually attentive in the beginning, idealizing you, and offering to meet all of your needs and more. Narcissists can appear to be exceptionally sincere and many people fall for this act.

Development of Intimacy

We learn to be emotionally intimate when we are very young children. It begins with a secure, loving attachment to a parent. The child who feels securely attached is able to express his\her feelings openly without shame or fear. The parent is in tune with the child and able to comfort him when he is frightened, confused or angry.  As a result of psychological needs being met by a parent, the child learns to trust others and feel secure about himself as a person. Mothers of narcissists are not good parents; they reward the child, whom they regard as special and superior, as long as he/she reflects the desired parental image. These children are highly praised, and prized, in the narcissistic family- not for who they genuinely are- but for fulfillment of the wishes or dreams of the narcissistic parent. As a result, the narcissist never learns in early childhood how to become emotionally intimate. Because she/he is not loved for being her/his real self, the narcissist never learns to relate to themselves on a deep emotional level nor can they reciprocate any real affection or love for another, even their children.

Consider friendship with the narcissist as another example of a relationship. You cannot truly get to know a narcissist friend. You cannot be genuine friends with the narcissist for all the reasons above. Plus narcissists are addicts. They are in constant pursuit of gratification, known as “narcissistic supply”.  Everything and everyone around them is an object, a potential source of narcissistic supply (to be idealized) or not a source (to be cruelly discarded).

Narcissists can be happily married… to compliant, subservient, self-deprecating and indiscriminately supportive spouses. They also can be happily married to masochists. However, a healthy, normal person would not be happy in an intimate-less narcissistic relationship.

Intimacy versus Intensity

Many partners of individuals with NPD confuse intimacy and intensity. Real intimacy has to do with trust, understanding, and feeling understood. People who are intimate (we don’t mean sex here) reveal personal vulnerabilities without fear that what they share will be used against them. Intimacy relies on feeling safe, mutuality, endurance, respect and no secrets. Without healthy self-disclosure at the right time, there can be no intimacy. And that takes honesty about who we are and how we feel. Narcissists are unable to be honest with themselves, let alone other people.

Intensity on the other hand, has to do with secrecy, lack of trust, high drama, fear and disrespect. Intensity with a narcissist is spent in fantasy, the cycle of idealization and devaluation, bitter arguments followed up by apologies and make-up sex. Sharing our deepest selves as a part of mutual sharing is fundamental to a sustained, mutually satisfying relationship. Unfortunately, narcissists don’t allow themselves to know their own vulnerabilities or feelings so they are unable to share with others.

Another factor that makes intimacy possible in a healthy relationship is being able to see both the good and bad traits of the partner at the same time. Again, this is not something narcissists can do. In their world, everything is black or white, good or bad (splitting).

Sex versus Intimacy

In a recent issue of the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, University of Florida researchers found that narcissists are fixated on sexual gratification rather than enduring intimacy. (That’s probably not a surprise to anyone in a narcissistic relationship). Narcissists are more likely to have a history of short-term sexual conquests compared to people who consider commitment the most important aspect of a relationship. “Narcissists have a heightened sense of sexuality, but they tend to view sex very differently than other people do; they see sexuality more in terms of power, influence and as something daring, in contrast to people with low narcissistic qualities who associated sex more with caring and love.”

To read the rest of this article go to http://thenarcissisticlife.com/the-narcissist-and-intimacy/

Forgiveness & Letting Go

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It’s been quite a long time since I have written about P. That is mostly because there hasn’t been anything to write about. Except for a very regrettable drunk call I made back in February, we have not spoken in months.  I have let him go in most ways, but there was always something missing.  No matter how hard I tried, I had been unable to forgive him. Even though I knew it was for me, not him, I just could not seem to manage it.

While letting go is a process that happens over time and with continued effort, I believe forgiveness is a one shot deal.  Either you forgive someone or you don’t.  Once you forgive, it’s done and you can’t undo it.  Now this doesn’t mean that you forget or keep forgiving someone who repeatedly hurts you.  That’s abusing yourself and allowing others to do the same.

Unfortunately as much as we want to forgive and/or let go of what hurts us, sometimes we just simply aren’t ready.  I had let go months ago but I was still missing that last piece of the puzzle.  I knew it was time to forgive and I wanted to very much, but something wouldn’t let me. I tried over and over again to no avail.  I was better in so many ways and happy for the first time in over a year.

Then P called to wish me a happy birthday. I was actually pretty surprised and not very gracious lol. He was kind and it was nice catching up.  And as we were talking, the most amazing thing happened.  All that pain, sadness, anger and rejection I have felt for over a year now?  It just disappeared!  I forgave him and I feel so free!!  I literally feel lighter and even happier than I have been the last few months.  It felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders.

He told me he loved me and still loves me.  That is why he can’t have me in his life.  It hurts and confuses him. It’s too hard and it’s not healthy.  I understand that and I agree. He says his narcissist (so so) has been trying to treat him better and he’s okay. I told him that my H and I are doing really well and I’m happy.  I thanked him for letting me go and removing me from all that dysfunction.  I’m at peace and I am going to continue to go where the love is!

Rejection sucks.

rejection

Rejection can actually be extremely painful and traumatic.  This is a great article that explains why it’s so difficult to move on from.  I believe that it was the rejection I felt that made getting over my ex so difficult.  Not because he was so perfect or wonderful, but because I had never before felt so rejected or abandoned by someone who supposedly loved me.  It took me over a year to move on and finally let go of that love. Thankfully he doesn’t read my blog anymore.  He would read some of the articles about narcissism and cry. Apparently, truth and honesty don’t mix well with a fake, delusional and dysfunctional life.  He’d rather pretend and lie to himself.  After a lifetime of self-delusion and abuse?  It’s all he knows and, most likely, all he will ever know.  That is completely his choice.  But to allow her selfish behavior and malignant narcissism to screw up both of their children so irrevocably?  I think that’s just unforgivable.  I live my life in the light, not the darkness.  In the truth and not in lies. With him there will always be pain and suffering.  I’m going where the love is 🙂 


Rejection: A Loser’s Guide

by Adoree Durayappah-Harrison MAPP

Raise your hand if you have never heard any of the following lines in one form or another:

  • Let’s just be friends.
  • Unfortunately, we don’t have a position that meets your unique qualifications at this time.
  • We regret to inform you that we cannot grant you acceptance to X University.
  • You are very talented, and I expect you to do great things…elsewhere.

If you’ve finished reading this list and your hand is raised, please bring it down to face level. Cup your hand to your cheek. Pull it back three to five inches and traveling at an increased velocity slap yourself firmly in the face. Why? If you haven’t experienced rejection, this exercise serves as a simulation of what rejection feels like. Actually, a slap in the face is much more pleasant than rejection. Rejection is more of a swift punch to the solar plexus. But since punching oneself in the solar plexus requires dexterity and the knowledge of the location of your solar plexus, for demonstration purposes you must forgive me for choosing the former.

However, chances are you didn’t raise your hand. I’m willing to bet that if you are reading this article, you are all-too-familiar with that uninvited houseguest. Say hello to your good buddy, Rejection.

Now, what you probably already know about rejection is that he isn’t too shy about showing up at the most inappropriate places and at the most inopportune times.

In fact, some common situations where he loves to drop by include when you are:

  • Deeply in love
  • Chasing your dreams
  • Job hunting
  • Starting a new venture
  • Pursing your personal projects
  • Applying and auditioning

And, God knows this list is not exhaustive. Just when you have filed the restraining order and unlisted your phone number guess who managed to find you? That’s right: Rejection.

Your Old Nemesis: Rejection

Do you remember when you first met that meddlesome stranger? I remember the first time I shook his cold, clammy hand. I can still feel the sweat on my palm. It was summer camp; I was seven. We had to swim across the pool “freestyle” in order to earn a green plastic necklace announcing our admission into the coveted deep end. I thought “freestyle” meant we were free to pick any style we wanted. This is America after all! The style I picked was swimming at the bottom of the pool and not coming up for air. I did not earn the attractive green necklace. Instead, I sported a red one the entire duration of camp. I entered a “highly exclusive” group of non deep-end-goers made up of only two girls, a girl from Honduras and myself. Because she didn’t speak any English, we couldn’t even commiserate about our exclusion.

You probably remember your first encounter with rejection: being picked last in gym class or not getting into the advanced reading or math class in elementary school. Perhaps it came at home or on the playground.

Since a young age we have been tormented by rejection. We have seen rejection crop up at school, at work, in relationships, and in the pursuit of our dreams. Over the years, we have been rejected by significant others, from teams, from programs, from projects, from companies, from roles, from organizations, and from institutions.

Logic would suggest that if we have been confronting rejection since a young age on numerous occasions, over the years we should be experts at getting over rejection by now. We all know this isn’t the case.

Why Does Rejection Hurt Us So Badly?

The honest truth is that rejection sucks. Rejection hurts now and will in the future. (Good on you rejection for at least being consistent.)

The purpose of this article is to build our awareness about why rejection hurts so badly, and why even after years of exposure we are not immune to its pernicious effects. In this article we examine rejection psychologically and evolutionarily, to discover what is happening to us neurologically when we feel rejected and why anthropologically speaking, we are hardwired to fear rejection.

Rejection comes from Latin, meaning thrown back. When we are rejected, we feel not only halted but pushed back in the opposite direction of which we were headed. Now consider this, when rejected, how do we describe the event? We tend to say, “I was rejected.” Notice what is going on here. We are using passive voice. This indicates how we feel about the part we play in rejection. We view ourselves as passive, as being the victim of an action, as inactive, as nonparticipative.

Rejection Is Physiologically Heart-Breaking

Do you remember when I made you slap your face? Let’s return to that moment to continue the discussion of what it feels like to be rejected. Okay, you have just received the swift blow of rejection knocking you off guard and what happens? First, you are stunned, disoriented from the blow. You feel weak and helpless. Your body begins to shut down, as you lay there paralyzed from the injury. You might think that I am being overly dramatic, but this is what happens biologically when your body responds to rejection.

Scientists from the University of Amsterdam found that unexpected social rejection is associated with a significant response of the parasympathetic nervous system. Let’s take a quick time-out to discuss just what the heck is the parasympathetic nervous system. When the body is active, generally in fight or flight mode, the sympathetic system engages, heart rate quickens, pupils dilate, energy is directed towards allowing the body to react quickly. However, the parasympathetic system is responsible for when the body is at rest.

Remember how we discussed speaking of rejection in passive voice: “I was rejected”? Well, studies have found that after rejection not only do we think passively, but also we act passively. When faced with unexpected social rejection, research has found that “feeling that you are not liked” results in our heart rate actually slowing down, an activity of the parasympathetic nervous system. Thus, feeling rejected results in you reacting both psychologically and physically. It is interesting to mention that in this study participants’ heart rates fell not only when they heard a person’s unfavorable opinion of them but also in anticipation of hearing a person’s opinion. If told that the person’s opinion of him or her was unfavorable, the individual’s heart rate plummeted even further and took longer to return to baseline. Additionally, heart rates slowed even more when individuals expected a positive opinion but received a negative one. This explains how rejection, especially the kind that blindsides you, literally feels heartbreaking.

We Are Hard-Wired to Fear Rejection

As human beings, we are extremely sensitive to rejection, especially forms of social rejection. We have a strong motivation to seek approval and acceptance. If we take an anthropological perspective, we can see how back in the day-I’m talking about back in the 10,000 BC day-you knew that if you were on your own, your chance of survival was nil. You needed your tribe for food, shelter, and protection. Being rejected from others meant imminent death. Evolutionarily speaking, we are hardwired to form social relationships and strongly motivated to feel liked and feel like we belong.

Getting Over a Breakup Is Like Getting Over a Cocaine Addiction

Neurologically speaking, rejection sucks! And, arguably the worst type of rejection is romantic rejection. Getting over a breakup is like getting over an addition to cocaine. Oh, that isn’t just my personal viewpoint; it is also the opinion and the scientific finding of researchers at Stony Brook University. The researchers found that the area of the brainthat is active during the pain and anguish experienced during a breakup is the same part of the brain associated with motivation, reward, and addiction cravings. Brain imaging shows similarities between romantic rejection and cocaine craving.

Rejection hurts so acutely because we get addicted to the relationship, only to have it taken away from us. And after, just like a drug addiction, we go through withdrawal.

We Aren’t That Good at Dealing With Loss

In general humans aren’t good with dealing with loss. We tend to view loss as much more significant than gain. Psychologist Daniel Kahneman received the Nobel Prize for his work in Prospect Theory. Prospect Theory describes how people make choices in situations where they have to decide between alternatives that involve risk. The model discusses how people realistically decide rather than evidencing how one should make the most optimal decision. Using empirical evidence as the base, the theory describes how individuals evaluate potential losses and gains.

Individuals view the pain of losing $50 as much stronger than the joy of receiving $50. Thus, we tend to be loss averse and will be motivated to avoid risks that involve losing rather than take risks involved in the potential for gains.

Now that we can give the scientific explanation of why rejection sucks and can sound smarter at cocktail parties, let us move on to explore how rejection impairs us not only in the moment but also in the long-term.

After Rejection We Stop Trying and Taking Risks

Sadly there is no surgeon general warning that comes with rejection. So, we must conduct our own exploration into the major effects of rejection that are most inimical to our psychological and physical health. First, we see that rejection can lead to the reduction of hope and the reluctance to take risks.

Psychological studies have proven this outcome. This phenomenon is known in the scientific community as learned helplessness. Psychologist Martin Seligman and Steve Maier discovered during a series of experiments that dogs who had previously “learned” that nothing they did had any effect on preventing shocks when placed in a new situation, where they could have easily escaped the shock, simply lay down passively and whined. Learned helplessness refers to the condition in which animals or human beings learn to behave helplessly, viewing their actions as producing no effective result even when attempting to avoid an unpleasant or harmful situation.

After facing rejection, individuals often feel as if their actions fail to produce any desired effect. As a result, individuals can lose hope that the situation can be improved at all. And, just as the dogs in the experiment, what do we tend to do after a strong blow of rejection? We lie down passively and whine. We complain about how we were wronged saying that the world hates us and that the outcome is completely unfair. But, do we try and take action? No. Rather, we stay in that fetal position and continue to sing our song of sorrows and think why try if there is no point.

We are such diligent students of learned helplessness that we can even learn vicariously. By observing others encountering uncontrollable events, we too can become helpless and passive. Rejection is so strong that even the mere presence of it around us makes as run home to our mommies, worried that if he just beat up Timmy, who knows what he will do when he gets a hold of us. The result: we give up on our goals because we are so preoccupied with failing.

To see the rest of this article go to  https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/thriving101/201012/rejection-losers-guide

Wonderful Wednesday

start a new day

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letting-go courage

if you care

 

sometimes not looking

to be happy

i gave up

Positive Thinking

i'm not perfect

don't be afraid to back-up try again

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It is beautiful here in NY and I have a 4 day weekend! Woohoo!  It’s my brothers’ birthdays today (they’re twins lol). Having dinner with the family. I have a little Easter Egg hunt planned for the little kids. Then I’m going to my friend’s house (the one who lost her Mom last week) to hang out and have some wine.  I might leave my car there and have my H pick me up after work. They only live a mile away from us. Tomorrow’s Holy Thursday, so I will try my best not to curse. I’ve been doing pretty well but not as good as I should’ve on no meat. I cheated a few times this Lent. My own Birthday is fast approaching (not really a good thing since I turned 40 lol) next Tuesday.

Hope everyone is having a great week. If you are, rock on and keep going where the love is! If you aren’t, please know that I have definitely been there many, many times. And will be again one day.  That’s just life.  But I am sorry you’re struggling and I really hope things get better soon. Hugs 🙂

Heal from Heartbreak & Fear of Abandonment

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This is an AMAZING article that I really wish had been written when I was healing from my own heartbreak and dealing with abandonment issues. As someone who had never experienced abandonment before, I had no idea how traumatic it is and how incredibly painful!  It took so much longer than I could have ever imagined and I suffered horrible withdrawals. Thankfully those days are behind me (except for a drunk dial I committed 2 weeks ago, we have had no contact.)  My husband and I are getting closer every day and I am happier and more content than I have been in years.

How To Heal From Heartbreak & Conquer Your Fear Of Abandonment

by Tazeen Mohsin Imran

“How could he just disappear like that? He promised to marry me,” my client said, as she wiped her tears. Most of us are familiar with betrayal. Partners, friends, and even family members can make a commitment and then disappear.

I had a very close, longtime friend, and eventually our relationship extended into work. I became part of her business team. She constantly made commitments and broke them on a whim. I often ignored it, justifying that maybe she was keeping the bigger picture in mind.

One day, our work relationship ended, with no warning on my end. I confronted her about the broken commitments. She insisted it was all in my head and continued to assure me that she would be there as a friend, no matter what. And then she stopped responding.

When people with whom we share a deep bond with disappear, the immediate reaction is confusion and doubt. We start questioning where we went wrong and whether we should continue to pursue the relationship. Left unexplored, these thoughts can fester into anger, depression, and resentment in the long run.

But it doesn’t have to be this way. Here are the strategies I’ve learned to employ when someone I care about pulls a disappearing act.

1. Don’t take it personally.

While relating this story to another friend, she laughed and said, “You, too?” That got me out of my head, reminding me this happens to everyone. Rejection hurts, but it often has nothing to do with our how worthy of love we are. People’s behavior is a reflection of their own beliefs, values, feelings, and thought patterns. When we personalize their behavior, we start to spiral into self-blame and unworthiness. Viewing it as a choice made independently of your behavior or nature allows you to address it from an objective perspective.

2. Avoid the impulse to start thinking of them as “other.”

It’s very natural to want to develop a sense of otherness from people in your life. It’s differentiating them from you. But when we actively separate ourselves from people as a response to pain they’ve caused, we sacrifice our empathy for them. We can no longer relate to them.

On the other hand, identifying similarities between ourselves and others, we reconnect to our shared humanity. The Buddhist Loving-Kindness Meditationinvolves sending goodwill to ourselves and all those who have hurt us. As I began to practice this, saying “just like me, you want love,” I found a space where I could identify with and feel compassion for both myself and my friend.

3. Take responsibility.

Brené Brown said, “Love and belonging are irreducible needs of all men, women, and children. We’re hardwired for connection — it’s what gives purpose and meaning to our lives.” This very need is often ignored when we blame others and shrug off our own culpability.

Deep down, we just want love, and we get so afraid of losing that person that we ignore the reality of the situation. By owning what we did or did not do, we share the responsibility of creating that reality. This empowers us to make better choices in the future rather than just being a victim of someone else’s choices……

Finish reading the rest of this article  here: http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-23898/how-to-heal-from-heartbreak-conquer-your-fear-of-abandonment.html

Take Your Life Back

Shared from WordPress

The Power To Start A New Chapter – http://wp.me/p2pUkR-5c4

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I love this quote because it’s exactly what I’ve just finished doing. Intellectually I always knew I had the power to turn the page. But my heart, my hope and my dreams kept me stuck for such a long time.  I tried everything to let go but mostly it took time to heal. Time and being patient with myself.

It seems so amazingly simple when I read it here. But when you are hanging onto something that once made you happier than you had ever known?  It was one of the most difficult things for my heart to do. To just turn the freaking page!! LOL

I think it’s when we forget how much strength and courage we each possess, that we give away our power. It happens so subtly, we usually don’t even realize it has happened until afterwards.

All you can do is pick yourself up and realize something even better awaits you. I know it’s easier said than done but it’s the truth. Just remember to be grateful for all the good things in your life and go where the love is!! ♡♡♡♡

Turn the Page

I’ve been off from work all week, just relaxing and spending time with family and friends. I feel really good today. Full of hope and happiness 🙂

This is an old post but it’s a great lesson that I learned the hard way. Sending everyone hugs, love and healing. Go where the love is!

Continue reading

A Priceless Gift

“Sometimes the best thing someone we love with all our heart can do is leave; and during their absence you’ll see, you’re still alive and surviving each passing day on your own. You’ll then come to the realization that; they’re not air nor are they water. You never needed them as your mind had lead you to believe.”

To see the rest of this post: A Priceless Gift  at https://deanneworld.wordpress.com

Thank you! It really helped to see this today. This was a gift and a lesson that I never wanted to learn but I obviously needed to. It’s a great way to look at a loss or a rejection. 

Freaky Friday

Okay, today has been a strange one and not really in a good way. I just have felt this feeling of loneliness, even though I’ve been surrounded by people all day long. I just felt so alone, ugly and unloved. My friends thankfully reminded me I’m not. I was hoping not to be hormonal this month during my period, but obviously that ship has sailed. Oh well, lol.

I knew it had nothing at all to do with Putz and things with my H have been going really well. We have been talking more, spending more time together and yesterday he had me laughing so hard I almost fell off my chair at my desk.

Then my Dad called me and asked if I was starting to get melancholy because the anniversary of my Mom’s death is on Monday.  And bam, I realized why I was feeling so alone.  Thankfully, time has helped to dull the once sharp pains of loss and I am usually able to smile when I think of her and realize how lucky I truly was to be her daughter.  We have always tried to celebrate her life but we do usually go to Mass together and then to brunch on February 15th. I see now that we do it to help ourselves and each other cope with the loss of such an important part of our family. I know my Mom is happily smiling down at us with love and joy in her heart.  This song kind of says exactly how I feel sometimes.

Love Addiction Withdrawal & NC

This was a post from a while ago, probably about 9 months ago. It helped me during some very dark days. Hope it can help someone else too.

The Process of Love Addiction Withdrawal By Alexandra Katehakis, MFT, CST, CSAT

It is well established that when a person becomes addicted to drugs or alcohol, they can experience physical and psychological withdrawal symptoms. Less is documented about the reality of physical and emotional withdrawal symptoms from love and sex addiction, yet they are no less real.

I see clients who are in withdrawal from love addiction and are struggling with symptoms indicative of a very real physical and emotional experience.

Symptoms can include insomnia and sleeplessness, flu-like symptoms, vomiting and other stomach ailments, as well as deep depression and grief states. These symptoms require a detoxification process much like drugs and alcohol do and working with a skilled therapist in addition to attending SLAA (Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous) 12-step meetings can be very helpful, if not crucial, for getting through this painful process.

Sometimes love addicts elect to go through this process when they reach the depth of despair about the state of their lives and addiction. This is a painful yet necessary step in the recovery process. Sometimes love addicts have to face withdrawal following the abandonment by a partner, often a love-avoidant one.

The love-avoidant person always has severe abandonment issues and desires unconditional positive regard from another adult, similar to what they received or did not receive in childhood from a parent. The problem with this is that no adult can provide the ongoing unconditional positive regard the love addict seeks. This can cause the love addict to cycle through a series of highs and lows that are quite intense and ultimately lead to incredible disappointment and devastation.

Love addicts often have a deep sense of discomfort and rarely experience a sense of peace or calm, due to the highs and lows of their intense relationships. Responsibilities relating to work, self-care and even parenting fall to the side in their pursuit of unhealthy relationships. Interestingly, while these relationships tend to be very intense, they seldom provide any real intimacy. What they do provide is a fantasy that does not reflect the reality of the object of their affections.

Some love addicts are in such extreme states of depression that they require antidepressant medication while they are working through core childhood issues with a therapist. Such medications can be helpful toward the love addict gaining some sense of stability while working through the pain that led to love addiction. Journaling, talking about childhood experiences, and grieving the initial abandonment by a parent in the family of origin under the care of a skilled therapist familiar with love addiction can be an important part of healing.

Love addicts have a deep need to bond with another person and become emotionally connected. Oftentimes, the choices they make in partnerships take them further away from getting the love they crave.

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I want to be completely honest folks, I am an addict and P is my drug of choice. Even after we “broke up” right after Thanksgiving, we spoke like 3 times a day for 2 months. The withdrawal was complete agony. He was all I wanted. I craved him like I craved oxygen and water. But while I definitely did miss him and love him, that was not the reason for my physical symptoms.

I craved the high I got seeing him, talking with him, texting, even emailing with him. When I broke NC, I definitely set myself back on my road to recovery and happiness. Because then he asked could he call me and then he asked to talk the next day, etc. We are both smarter now and realized we were backsliding very quickly. So we said goodbye again with him telling me he finally understands the agony and pain I experienced back months ago. He said that is what he is experiencing now. But I think that is because he remains lonely and unloved despite all his efforts. It takes 2 people to save and rebuild a marriage.

The only bright side is that my trauma from certain events that occurred (him changing his cell # and not giving me a heads up as promised is just one example) has finally started to heal. I better understand that I was loved very much and still am. It was comforting to know that he still cries when he hears our song and a few others that remind him of me and all we shared. It’s so easy to believe we are the only ones suffering the loss and the withdrawal. We aren’t.

I just cannot go back on the emotional roller-coaster that our relationship had become at the end. I choose to be happy, healthy and at peace. NO CONTACT means I will not have to doubt a man’s love or commitment to me. It also means I will never again share a man’s heart. I deserve better, we all do. It’s not sexy or exciting but for addicts like us, it’s the only way. For some, maybe not forever. But at least until we get to a point that we do not care AT ALL. And that takes a pretty long time for most.

So while I was at 93 days NC, now I have to start over one day at a time.

DON’T WORRY. The above was all written many, many months ago. I’m doing really great now. Happy and finally at peace. I’ve learned to let go. He was obviously a lesson I needed to learn. Wow 93 days NC! I can’t wait to get there again ASAP 🙂

if you have a choice

 

one day

once in lifetime

I-forgive-but-I-also-learn-a-lesson

 

Surgery

My Dad had surgery on his badly broken foot last night.  The surgery went well and took almost 5 hours.  They put a few pins in and 2 plates. He didn’t get out of recovery until midnight, so I ended up not going to the hospital last night.  I get up at 6 am for work and I have just been exhausted lately.  My brother and sister-in-law were up there with my Dad’s girlfriend. He will have months of recovery and can’t put any weight on the left foot for 2 months.

So can someone please tell me why I feel so friggin guilty? Probably because I’m the girl and I’ve just always been the one who does ALL the caretaking. I guess I’m just having a rough week and I’m extra sensitive.  Doesn’t help that he was in the same hospital that my Mother-in-law was in having her hip surgery a month before she died 5 months ago. I don’t need a psychology degree to realize I’m avoiding certain feelings regarding grief and the eventuality of losing him some day.

He’s always been my rock and I need him more than I’d like to admit. We have been there for one another through everything.  That first year after my Mom died and he didn’t leave the house some days? He always called only me just to say he was still alive and so I didn’t worry.

Growing up when someone asked are you a Mommy’s girl or a Daddy’s girl? I never hesitated to say “BOTH!” LOL. I have always been close to both my parents and kept very few secrets from either of them.  I’ll never forget when I was about 5 and he took me to lunch so my Mom could clean the house on a Saturday. My brothers had gone to the movies with their friends. My Mom figured we’d go to McDonalds or something similar. But technically she didn’t specify lol. We went to this fancy and expensive restaurant with cloth napkins which is known for great steaks and lobster. Boy was she pissed when we got home and she had just finished eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich! Not that he had taken me there, but that we hadn’t brought her home any lobster 🙂

Well he was discharged a little while ago and I am going to the drugstore after work to pick up his prescriptions and then meeting them at his house.  I’m sure he is going to have some smart ass remark/joke about me not going to hospital last night lol. And that’s okay. I know he just feels more secure when I’m around as I do when he’s around. We’ve been through a lot together, more than most. My cancer, my Mom’s, the time I got roofied the night before Thanksgiving and stopped breathing on the way to the hospital with only he and I in the car and ended up on a respirator for 3 days. Oh and then the time when I was underage and got literally thrown out of a bar face first (not because I was underage because we all were but because I had given the bouncer a fake number a few weeks earlier). He thought he could do whatever he wanted because we were all underage and I guess they figured we’d never tell our parents. But like I said, I didn’t keep secrets from my parents. My Dad and brother made me take them right back while my friends waited at our house and point him out. The music stopped, the lights went on, and the bouncer tried to hide lol. He was a pretty big guy, over 6 feet, and my Dad just grabbed him by the neck, lifted him off the ground and made him apologize to me. My brother knew the bar owner and the rest of the bouncers/bartenders, so everyone hung back and just let him get what he deserved.

We’re family, always there for one another through thick and thin.  Yes, we drive one another nuts but we’re still there when it matters, no questions asked. And I think that’s what family means. More than simply a blood relation, it’s shared history and shared experiences. Family, friends, love, and laughter mean the most in life.  If you’re rich in those things, I think you’re pretty damn lucky.

 

 

 

 

Date Night: Its cheaper than therapy.

Love this post!!! It really does help to make just a little couple time at least once a month.

Source: Date Night: Its cheaper than therapy.

Hubby and I have been married for ten years. Although that’s not a terribly long time in the big scheme of things, we tend to find that amongst most of our married friends we are usually the ‘OG couple’, so to speak. So every now and again we’re asked for

advice on how to keep the love going strong. To which my immediate response is usually “Chile! PRAYER and WINE!”

But no, really…The single best advice that I can offer is to make date night a priority. Its the best advice because its something that literally every couple, in any stage of their relationship, can benefit from. It doesn’t matter if you’ve just gotten engaged or have been married for decades. Whether every thing is peachy-keen or if you guys have been on each other’s nerves lately [because lets face it, we all experience ebbs and flows in partnerships].  Its probably the only one-size-fits-all advice for couples.

Date night allows a couple to nurture their fundamental relationship as romantic partners. Not as parents, not as household contributors. Its way too easy to let all the hustle and bustle of married life take precedence over maintaining the foundation from which all of that organized chaos started from!

See the rest of the post at  Date Night: Its cheaper than therapy.

Tuesday Truths

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I think these say it all. I have had years of incredible grief, loss, heartache and pain. But those hardships DO NOT DEFINE ME. They have made me a better, stronger, kinder and more loving person. I know what matters in life and what doesn't. And every day I am learning WHO matters and WHO doesn't. Not because of anything but their own choices.  I am happy and I am going where the love is!

A Time to Fight – And a Time to Let Go

This is such an important article. I agree that there is definitely a time to fight and there is also a time to let go. For some of us letting go is easier than others.

When is the moment that you know you have to let go? This is an important question for all of us. Have I done as much as I can? Is it ok to let go?

Source: A Time to Fight – And a Time to Let Go
From survivednarc.wordpress.com

I Will

Yes-I-will

I will be true to myself
I will not chase after anyone ever again.
I will never have another affair.
I will not text or call the Putz because I’m upset or bored.
I will take better care of myself and my heart.
I will be good to myself.
I will stop breaking my own heart over and over again
by caring for someone I shouldn’t.
I will stop giving room in my life to people
who don’t deserve to be there.
I will love myself more than I love anyone else.
I will enjoy my own company more.
I will be stronger and face my fears.
I will not let fear, obligation or guilt keep me trapped.
I will go where the love is!

I No Longer Feel The Need

For a while now, I have been drafting a final goodbye letter to Putz. Saying all the beautiful loving things I had left to say. I intended to email it December 31st. Today I realized that I had completely forgotten about it!! Not only do I no longer care enough to send it, what the heck would be the point? What’s done is done. Nothing can change what’s happened and I believe there’s a reason for almost everything.

I actually unblocked him last week and we texted a little. Nothing much at all and I feel so much freer not hating him and missing him. He texted me to say Have a Happy New Year and be safe a few nights ago. I haven’t responded and I won’t. I don’t hate him but come on now! We’re not bffs lol. We will both simply work on our marriages and move on with our lives now. It’s way past time.

He’s still really trying to save his ridiculously dysfunctional “family” as well as his crappy marriage to a narcissist. He says she’s being nice and really trying too. I wish him lots of luck with that, cause boy he’s gonna need it lol. I respect him for trying and hope he finds real love n happiness someday. But if not, that’s entirely his choice and only his life he’s wasted alone and unloved.

My H has just made an appointment with a psychiatrist. He comes from a tough Italian/German family where even if you got shot, you would definitely be told to “walk it off”! So to even think of going to a shrink was unfathomable to him. But he said he knows I am pulling away and he doesn’t want to lose me. And he is actively trying to rebuild intimacy and spend time together. It’s been really nice to see the man I fell in love with starting to re-emerge. It’s been a long time. I’m cautiously optimistic so I guess we’ll see.

Whatever happens, mentally I’m in a really good place and I’m happy. Thankfully 2015 is over. 2016 will be a time of change, growth and hopefully love and lots of great sex!

Wishing you all a wonderful New Year full of love, joy, laughter and yes sex 🙂

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