Tired but Happy

Yesterday was a rainy Monday and I was not quite ready to start the work week but I did.  Some days are just hard and I just feel exhausted before the day has even begun.  Today was much better, but still rainy.  I’ve been thinking about how much has changed in my life recently.  I’m so much happier and I feel more at peace.  P is gone and while not forgotten, he no longer has a starring role in my thoughts and in my heart.

My Hubby and I are really learning how to have fun together again.  We make each other laugh and have been really nice to one another, even when we are tired or cranky.  Just little things that add up to a happier marriage.  Like him doing things like keeping the bathroom clean without being asked or me cooking for him again and making sure he has clothes for the week.  I know it sounds like unimportant things but the difference is simple.  We think of one another’s happiness more.  The last few years it was what has he done for me lately or what has she done for me.  It wasn’t always but it was definitely a strong undercurrent. I resented being rejected over and over and over again.  I missed having sex and being intimate. I can’t speak for what was bothering him.  I do know the last 2 years he has grieved the death of his Dad a lot more than he ever thought.

He recently said he thought that I thought that he should get over it quicker.  I looked at him like he had 3 heads!?!?!  Get over it?  It took me a few years to heal after my Mom died!  He was there, he knew that.  So why would I EVER expect anything different from him?  I am many things but a hypocrite is not one of them.  I said I was very sorry he felt that way but I never intentionally said or did anything to make him feel like that.  I said I am not a mind reader and grief is personal.  Just because I didn’t sit you down and drag the feelings out of you doesn’t mean I didn’t care.  I thought I was being respectful and when you wanted to talk you would.  That’s what I did with my Mom.  I didn’t expect him to read my mind or make me better.  No one can do that but you.  I said I think you expect me to be a miracle worker and I’m not.  He smiled and said yeah maybe you are right about that.  But you just always seem to either know what to do or you know the answer so I guess we all look to you for guidance.  I said that’s wonderful but I’m not Google or a set of encyclopedias dear.  I am a human with flaws and weaknesses.  I make mistakes every day.  And I am not your Mother!  She is a lovely woman and I am happy to have her for a mother-in-law so you have no need for another.  He laughed and told me that I was right again lol.

So is it that oh so hot passionate erotic fun that I had with P?  No but that’s okay because it also doesn’t make me sad or hurt.   There is no lying or missing someone, no stolen moments,  no fear of anyone getting hurt, and no more living 2 half-lives like before.  It’s really pretty damn great lol!  I have no idea if it will last for a day, a week, a month, a year or the rest of our lives.  I think it’s best to just take every day as it comes and live the best life you possibly can with what you have.

And never forget to go where the love is!!!!!