There Is NO Us vs Them

I have never glorified affairs or being the other woman. It is personal and definitely not something I am proud of or I would have my photo on my blog.

My blog is about more than one topic. It was about the end of an affair. But it’s also about depression, marriage, inspiration, narcissism, abuse and laughter.

I was a betrayed spouse long before I was ever the OW. It was the most painful situation I had ever experienced before the loss of my Mom.

That being said, I do NOT understand why so many betrayed spouses continue to hate and focus on the ow instead of placing the majority of the blame on their own husbands! When my H cheated, I didn’t like her and yes I thought she was trash. But I didn’t hate her and blame her more than him. She wasn’t my problem, HE was.

If you are focusing on, blaming and getting revenge on the woman, you are not focused on your husband, your marriage or your damaged relationship. In a way, you are letting your husbands off the hook.

What possible good comes from people making assumptions and projecting their own hurt, betrayal and anger onto strangers?

A betrayed spouse wrote this a while back. I think it’s about me.
I have been reading a blog by a married woman who was betrayed by her husband. A couple of years later she subsequently went out and had an affair of her own and has recently been caught and disclosed.
Actually I voluntarily told my H and P told his W. No one was caught.

The justification she uses for her adulterous ways confound me. Having been on the receiving end of lies told by my first husband to others in order to justify his affair, I may be projecting. I’m very sorry this woman was lied to, but she most definitely is projecting. There is no justification for an affair and hindsight is 20/20. I was in a very loving yet sexless marriage for 3 years. If it happened today would I walk away? Absolutely! But I was naive and foolish. My adulterous ways?? Um you are barking up the wrong tree there lol.

Here are some thoughts from me on the matter of this OW’s blog.

Why are you bestowing guilt on the wife who had zero knowledge of your relationship with her husband? She’s not guilty of our affair. She’s only guilty of being a fake frigid narcissist and a crappy Mother (daughter’s therapist’s opinion, but I agree).

You actually believe what your AP told you about her? If it was true, you had no business knowing any of that information – her husband breached his wife’s trust the first time he ever said anything about his marriage to you. Well if I believe him and he’s telling the truth (his Mom verified), it still doesn’t matter cause we cheated. So doesn’t matter what the truth is because you have already judged me as guilty and wrong.

The sad truth is you don’t know me and the fact that your husband hurt, lied, betrayed and cheated on you is not and never will be my fault. It’s easy to paint me as the harlot and her as the victim. Well guess what? The victim’s own family has since seen the truth since her mask is gone. His parents and sisters won’t even be in the same room with the “victim” anymore. That has absolutely nothing to do with me and everything to do with her.

Regardless of the facts, life is NOT always black and white. Affairs suck and cause pain. They are not romantic or sexy. But the only people I feel bad for hurting is my husband and his kids. His kids are the only innocents in this whole mess. I deeply regret hurting them and also my H.

Whatever my reasons and justifications were, they are mine and NO ONE has the right to judge me except God. I am not the whore, temptress, or bunny boiler that slept with any of your husbands. We are not one size fits all just as BS are not all the same.

Stop hating and judging! When it happened to me, I took a long deep look at myself. I wasn’t to blame for his affair but I wasn’t blameless for issues in our marriage. Focus on your own lives and the good, loving women you are. Please don’t judge all of us ow as evil whores. We aren’t all shitty people but we are human.

I was a good woman in a bad situation who made a stupid decision and hurt others and myself. But I will not pay for the crimes of others. Do not confuse my kindness and compassion with weakness. It would be a mistake.

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78 thoughts on “There Is NO Us vs Them

  1. Jarrod C says:

    Emma, regardless of whether these comments left on this other blog are about you or not…why do you care? You know the truth of your situation. You don’t have to defend yourself.

    I think your journey of introspection and growth has been very admirable. You don’t owe anything to anyone except your husband.

    In any situation where trust has been broken, forgiveness is paramount. Forgiveness is for the person who was hurt. It allows them to move past the event. A very wise man once told me, “where this is no trust – there is no love.” Trust doesn’t necessarily just refer simply to being faithful either.

    I hope your journey continues to be a positive one my friend.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. backtowhatever says:

    I don’t see why an affair should be such a drama when we have wars, hunger and diseases going on. To me, making such a huge deal out of an affair is somehow even a bit selfish. If we would only try to focus on the more important problems this world could be such a great place to be, but all we do is judge and blame others for our own unhappiness… as if we were all saints and as if we never make mistakes ourselves. I don’t really get it :/

    Liked by 1 person

  3. sassygirl40 says:

    Well said! In July during my last contact with B, he sent me some copies of their conversation and I noticed that C refers to me as “slut face” yet she forgives B. I would say that of the two of us (me one affair, him four!), he is the actual slut face! She needs to be blind to his faults so she can stay with him.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Recovering WS says:

    why do so many BS’s seem to overly-focus on the OW/OM? Because frankly it’s easier than looking in the mirror. Certainly you the OW are NOT an innocent bystander. You knew what you were doing and you did try and poach someone else’s mate. So of course they will be angry with you. You deserve the rage. However, as I said, the tendency to overly-focus on the OM/OW is very predictable. This was an example of that rage — and my point by point analysis. https://affairadvice.wordpress.com/2013/08/08/letter-or-assault-against-the-other-woman/ . But then I wrote a blog about the very thing you’re talking about. Why the focus on the OW?? where does it get you? https://affairadvice.wordpress.com/2012/11/13/blaming-the-other-woman-or-other-man-for-your-spouses-affair/

    In general, I would say this: Spouse’s who use this tactic — who overly focus on the OW or OM — are in a sort of denial. You see it here on the blogs. Or on message boards. A sort of continuous offensive against the third party, who, while hardly an innocent bystander, is in reality, the symptom of marriage gone wrong, not the cause. It’s a common tactic though, but in reality, it’s just a way of providing some cover for their spouse. After all, if the OM/OW was evil, then you can’t blame your cheating spouse as much, can you? And it provides a sort of inner-denial for themselves — that they weren’t anything but a perfect spouse and in no way had anything to do with the marriage going down hill so far that their spouse sought another relationship.

    Newsflash! Except in fairly rare exceptions, expert after expert reports that happy and content people don’t have affairs. The other man/other woman didn’t ruin your marriage. It wasn’t a good marriage!! IT WAS ALREADY RUINED. It is probably the reason your spouse had an affair — their very unsatisfying existence with you, right or wrong, and/or issues within themselves! A betrayed spouse focusing on the OM/OW for their role in the affair? A silly waste of time and a clever divergence of attention away from themselves and their Wayward Spouse. Which won’t get you any closer to forgiveness and healing (although clearly some aren’t trying to rescue their marriage — they’re merely seeking justice and recompense. They will end up divorced).

    Hey, I don’t like my OW now. At all. But I never blamed her for the affair. And neither has my wife.

    Liked by 1 person

    • emmagc75 says:

      Yes it is extreme denial in some cases. Like the woman whose H cheated 13 times! She posted ow’s pic but NOT her husband’s. Then she posted a love poem about their special neverending love!!! Wow, the delusion is heartbreaking.

      Like

  5. omtatjuan3 says:

    Very well said. I was the other man and it was miserable. I did learn one thing, don’t do it again… God I loved her but even after words of I want to leave him, she couldn’t or wouldn’t. I cried many a night..

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Mysecretlife says:

    Well said!! Like it has already been said maybe it’s easier for the woman to blame the OW rather than look at her own marriage and realise that her husband is also go blame!! At the end of the day if both parties are aware than either one, or both, are in a marriage or relationship they are equally to blame!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. streetpoet12 says:

    I have tried to give the Ow as little time as possible (apart from one moment of weakness when I tried to call her – not even to yell and scream just to see her side of the situation) I realized I think she was lied to just like I was. I think most people take issue with knowing someone is married and not backing off ….
    On another note sometimes husbands will blame the OW as well – my husband started saying she took advantage of him while vulnerable and manipulated him blah blah blah ….

    Liked by 1 person

    • emmagc75 says:

      I was that way too. After the first week I wasn’t focused on her. Yes some cheating husbands do try to blame the ow. I honestly don’t remember my H blaming her. I think that would’ve just pissed me off more lol. Be well xo

      Liked by 1 person

  8. smellingmint says:

    As a former OW I know I was regarded by her as having tried to steal her husband. I was naively gobsmacked. He chased me. I fell head over heels into the worst kind of obsessive love and insisted he told her straight away before anything “too bad” had happened. In retrospect we seduced each other. I was led astray by the worst type of obsession which gave me a year of utter misery which I am certain I will never repeat. He could not chose and both of us let that situation go on too long – she and I. None of us are bad people. He and I demonstrated huge weakness. But no one, no one can steal another human being short of kidnapping them.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. samlobos says:

    As a recent former “other woman” I find myself understanding how quickly things can turn. I was not looking for an affair, I did not pursue him. I think it’s fair to say that he pursued me and I naively fell into it. But it’s easy to feel like the dirty mistress when the shit hits the fan. I agree, we are not stereotypes, just good women who made a poor choice. Lesson learned. Never again.

    Liked by 2 people

  10. Whoresnotwelcome says:

    You know I have never judged you Emma I applaud your honesty. My situation is different. My husband went online to find sex with no strings attached. I blame him totally for the choice he made. He was unhappy, we both were for different reasons. He could have fixed things by offering support and giving me a break but instead he put his own needs first. His OW knew from the outset that he was married. She instigated their first meeting and pushed for sex. My husband should have said no but didn’t and I will never really get over that. I have been quite vitriolic about this woman but with good reason. She is a sociopath who delights in destroying relationships. She is a class manipulator. She found out all she could about me, stalked me, attacked me and drove me to attempt suicide. He lied about me and exaggerated our problems to get what he wanted. He knows this is his last chance. He knew what he was doing. He allowed her to manipulate me. Yes I blame him for the affair but I blame her for the pain she caused me. It’s not fair to generalise which is why I don’t. Everyone’s situation is different. I certainly never attack OWs on here. I read some of their blogs and comment but it’s never a personal attack. At least you admit your mistakes and you are doing your best to move forward. You did not set out to have an affair neither did your husband. At least you had the courage to admit what you did. I don’t think you are the type of person who would attack anyone that’s for sure. Not all OWs can be tarred with the same brush!

    Liked by 2 people

    • emmagc75 says:

      Thank you so much for commenting! U have never judged me for my mistakes and I have nothing but love and respect for you. I’m so glad I didn’t upset you. That was never my intention. And no I would never attack anyone. A rant on my anonymous blog is as vicious as I get lol.

      I have told you before ur psycho bunnyboiler ow is like something out of a Lifetime movie! Sending police to ur house?!? Like u keep ur H chained up in the basement, geez lol.

      You were betrayed like all bs but you were then victimized by the ow’s smear campaign designed to destroy you, your family and your reputation. That isn’t just crazy, it’s evil.

      I hope things are well. Just remember when u are ready someday, forgiveness is for you, not for him. I wish u light and love xoxo!

      Liked by 1 person

  11. quietlylurkingaround says:

    Well said! I was just reading go ask Susie sight and she was saying most women who have affairs aren’t bad people they just make bad choices. Honestly out of all the blogs I have read I enjoy yours in the top 5 because you are so honest and you give hope to those ending affairs that their is healing and happiness after it ends and for that I’m grateful. Don’t let the haters hate!!! Go where the love is❤️

    Liked by 3 people

    • emmagc75 says:

      Thank you! I’m honored to make the top 5 lol! There is always hope. And happiness and laughter too! Now if I can get some hot sex, I will be all set lol. How are u doing??

      Like

    • donricklesclone says:

      Go where the love is. 🙂 THis man made contract called marriage causes all sorts of pangs and woe to the poor unaware homosexual partners who think this is good. I think if you will to be with a person then will it as long as you like. We are equals and not living in 300 AC when a women could not speak and the only job she could do was prostitution. Wearing a head covering. In exchange for a goat. And if married your husband was responsible for you because you are a woman. No hope there. NEw times. Love gone then I FEEL it is ok to part ways. Many people stay because of legal bindings and the losses resulting from divorce. That man is not happy in his situation and if not you he will seek someone to fill the need.

      Liked by 1 person

          • Just Plain Ol' Vic says:

            Lol nah, not me. Perhaps dipping a finger into the pot!

            I just have a tendency to look at a relationship from a mental health perspective. When my wife had her manic episode, indeed that was the “grenade” into our marriage. However BOTH of us decided to make it work instead of BOTH of us deciding to leave.

            Either opinion is valid, I just think personal experiences color perceptions.

            Liked by 1 person

        • streetpoet12 says:

          The thing about relationships is there will always be ‘something’ that you could say ’caused’ it but the issue I have with this conversation is that It usually turns around a to somehow blaming the spouse who didn’t cheat.
          Sometimes people just want to do what they want to do because they feel like it. And don’t think about the consequences…..
          If you’re betrayed by a friend, say he/she spills your secrets or sneaks a promotion that you told her about or sleeps with your partner no one ever asks you to consider the reasons behind the action, it’s just generally agreed that it’s a pretty shitty thing that they did. I get where you’re coming from I really do but in life and relationships there’s always ‘something’ – some ’cause’ but wouldn’t it be great if people just owned up to doing something crappy and not trying to get others to take some sort of responsibility for your actions. I always told my husband if I was a crappy wife you could have just left. And if I was so crappy why do you want to reconcile?

          Liked by 3 people

          • Just Plain Ol' Vic says:

            Oh no don’t get me wrong, I am big on people taking responsibility for their actions. No one gets off “easy” like that and I absolutely hate it when people blame something else and don’t own up to their actions.

            Liked by 2 people

          • emmagc75 says:

            No way! There is always a choice. No one is blaming the bs. But while I was not to blame for my H’s affair, I was not blameless for the problems in our marriage. Yes he could have left and so could I. We didn’t but I would definitely leave before I ever cheated again. Good luck xo

            Liked by 1 person

            • streetpoet12 says:

              ‘I was not blameless for the problems in our marriage. ‘

              Exactly, I agree that two people in a relationship are responsible for any problems – totally hold my hand up for any issues there! But problems in marriage shouldn’t equal have an affair that’s all. Otherwise the whole world would be having affairs (then again maybe they are!!!)

              (This is your blog Emma – I’ll shut up now lol, I promise!)

              Good luck to you as well hun xx

              Liked by 1 person

  12. stilllearning2b says:

    I think people blame the affair partner because it is easier/more comfortable to make him/her the bad guy and see the spouse as a victim of aggressive pursuit. It’s also a safer target for the anger because there is no history or expectations from that person (except when the affair partner is a friend or family member).

    Liked by 6 people

  13. zombiedrew2 says:

    As noted above, well said. There is a level of self-awareness there that I find refreshing. Too often I see people caught up in anger and blaming. Which can be understandable, but also is not overly productive.

    Liked by 2 people

    • emmagc75 says:

      Thanks. Of course at first it’s normal to be caught up in anger n blame. But once the dust settles, you have to stop blaming and start working together. Or u can be an idiot like me and have ur own affair lol. I really don’t recommend it 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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